A/N: First let me start off by saying that you guys sure know how to make a girl feel loved and missed. Your response to my last chapter was insane and I greatly appreciate it. Secondly, is Emily driving you crazy? Yes? Ok, cause she's driving me crazy too. :-D Good thing this is an Emily chapter. Maybe we can finally be privy to what's going on in her mind. Lastly, thanks for all the love on my other story. I intended for it to be a one off, but I think I might continue it. Not until I'm done with this story of course. As always, read, review, favorite, follow and enjoy...
Things have been extremely tense between Paige and I since I almost made out with her a week ago. I've been trying to figure out a way to apologize for being such a colossal ass, while she pretends like it never happened. I can't seem to decide which part of the situation is more appalling; the fact that I tried to kiss her or that she turned me down. I've been a jumble of frustration since it happened and poor Naya has had to bear the brunt of my sucky attitude. I've been so hot and cold with her lately that she doesn't know if she's coming or going. I know she knows something is awry, but she's afraid to disrupt things even further by asking. We're currently in my dorm room in our favorite study positions.
"Could you please stop staring at me. It's making it impossible to focus," I say.
I can feel her chuckling in my lap. I peek over the top of my book and give her my best annoyed look. This only causes her to laugh harder.
"I'm so glad my failing this test because I can't properly study amuses you," I say.
"I'm sorry doll. You're just so adorable when your trying to be stern," she smiles.
"So what's with the intense stare session?" I ask.
She lets out a long sigh before she answers.
"Trying to figure out what's going on inside that beautiful head of yours."
I look away.
"Nothing is going on," I mumble.
"Em, I may not have known you that long, but I know you well enough to know something is bothering you. Things have been off between us since that night at Paige's. Did something happen?"
I continue to avert her gaze and shrug my shoulders.
"You know you can tell me anything, don't you. I'm a big girl. I can handle whatever it is that you have to say."
"Sweetheart I don't know what's going on inside of my head or my heart for that matter. When I do make sense of the mess that is my life, you'll be the first to know," I say.
She seems satisfied with my answer and goes back to her studying. I've been trying to find the perfect opportunity to ask her my next question. Now seems as good a time as any.
"What are your plans for Thanksgiving? " I ask her.
"Well my parents have decided to finally take their trip to Spain this year. So I'll probably just hang around here. I could always catch up on some studying," she answers.
"That just won't do. You should come home to Rosewood with me," I suggest.
"I wouldn't want to impose."
"it's not imposing since I invited you," I say.
"Really Em it's ok. I can just get something from the dining hall to eat."
" Absolutely not. Your coming home with me and that's final," I assert.
"Yes ma'am. You know it's really sexy when you get all bossy like that," she flirts.
"Stop trying to distract me. Besides, you need to be studying as much as I do," I say.
"How can I possibly concentrate now that my mind is in the gutter?" she asks.
"I'm sure you'll think of something."
"Oh I am thinking of something," she answers.
"That doesn't involve me in a state of undress," I counter.
"Kill joy."...
I find myself alone in the locker room late Monday night. There's a big tournament coming up and I've been taking advantage of having the pool to myself at this time of day to get my times down. I've just finished my session for the night and am combing my hair out in front of the mirror in my locker. I catch a glimpse of movement behind me and turn around to catch Paige coming in.
"Hey you," I say softly.
"Hey Em," she returns just as soft.
"I didn't expect to run into anyone this late."
"Yeah, I've been coming early mornings but my schedule didn't work out that way today."
"Well the water is perfect this evening," I comment.
I turn back to the task at hand while she goes about getting ready for her swim. The atmosphere is heavy with the unspoken words between us.
"Em?"
"Yes?" I answer apprehensively.
"Umm, how are you getting home for Thanksgiving?" she asks.
"Oh, I'm planning on driving. Why do you ask?"
"I was wondering if it's ok for Shana and I to catch a ride with you?"
"Of course you can. Why would you think I'd say otherwise?" I ask.
"Dunno, it's just things have been kind of strained between us," she answers.
"Paige can we talk?" I blurt out.
"About?"
"The other night,"
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Really?" I ask incredulously.
"Really. We were both drunk off our asses. We almost did something stupid and hurtful, but we didn't. That's all there is to it,"
"That's all there is to it? I can't believe you're being so cavalier about this."
Before I can continue on my litany of reasons why our interaction was so much more, in saunters Shana like she does have a care in the world. The tension that's in the air stops her dead in her tracks.
"Hey Emily," she says.
"Hello Shana."
"Hey I wanted to say thanks for the invite. I really appreciate not having to be stuck here alone for the holidays."
"No problem, but you should really be thanking my mom. She's the one who made the invitation," I reply.
Shana and I just stare at each other while Paige looks like she's hoping the floor will open up and swallow her whole.
"I didn't interrupt anything, did I?" Shana ask.
"Not at all. I was actually finished for the night and was about to head out. You ladies have a nice swim," I say.
I grab my things and make a beeline for the door...
It's early Wednesday morning. Naya and I are loading my car up before we head over to retrieve Paige and Shana.
"Are you sure this is all you need to bring?" I ask Naya.
"Yes doll. For the fifth time, I'm all set to go," she answers exasperated.
"Ok, ok I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous is all."
"What possible reason could you have to be nervous?" she asks.
"This is a big step. I've never brought a girl home that I like to meet the parents before," I explain.
"So you like me?"
I roll my eyes at her for asking a question she already knows the answer to.
"Shut up and get in the car," I tell her.
"I told you what that bossy tone does to me doll," she smiles.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"You know you don't have to introduce me as your boothang. I know this is major for you. I'll be there for you in whatever capacity that you need me," Naya says.
I feel myself overwhelmed by her sincerity. I take a step closer and place a soft kiss on her lips.
"What was that for?" she questions.
"That was for you being understanding and utterly wonderful. Thank you."
"Hell, I'm going to have to be wonderful more often if that's the reward."
That warrants a playful slap in the stomach from me.
"I know, I know. I'm shutting up and getting in the car."...
We've been on the road for a few hours now. All of my passengers seem to have decided that it's nap time. So I'm alone with the road and my thoughts. I glance in the rear view mirror and see Paige and Shana cuddled together. Shana is asleep on Paige's shoulder. She has her arm draped across Paige's midsection. Paige is holding her like she's ready to protect her from the world. I feel something surge inside of me that I can't quite put a name to. Is it anger, hurt, jealously. Maybe longing, secretly wishing it was me. I'm startled by the soft touch of a hand on my knee.
"I can see the vein popping out of your forehead from over her, Em?" Naya says.
I give her a quick look and turn my eyes back to the road.
"It sucks doesn't it?" she asks.
I don't respond to her question, but she continues on anyway.
"Seeing someone else get what you want," she explains.
I open my mouth to answer, but she stops me.
"I'm all too familiar with the feeling as of late," she comments.
"Naya," I start.
"No need to explain. I told you along time ago that I knew I was on borrowed time. I'm just grateful for every moment that I've been allowed to have. Just promise you'll be gentle when you break my heart," she says.
I hear rustling in the back seat. I take another look in the rear view mirror and see Paige slowly coming back to life.
"Hey Sleeping Beauty," I call back.
"Hey, where are we?" she asks.
"Close. We should be there soon."
She moves around a bit and repositions a sleeping Shana to get more comfortable.
"She is so thin, but she's heavier than she looks," Paige says.
"I know what you mean. I wake up some nights to Emily crushing me. I don't know what it is about swimmers. Your physique is very deceiving," Naya comments.
I see something in Paige's eyes and I'm pretty sure it's anger. Or is it envy? I store that thought away to ask Paige about it later. Maybe this trip will turn out to be worthwhile and not the disaster I think it's going to be...
Shortly after, we pull up in front of the Fields family home. I park the car and kill the engine.
"This is where you grew up doll? It's cute," Naya compliments.
"Thanks. Let's head inside. I should forewarn you, my mom is the epitome of a perfect host."
"So what does that mean? Will she have my covers turned down and a mint on my pillow at bed time," Naya jokes.
I give her a look that says her joke is hitting very close to home.
"She's not serious is she Old Yeller?" She asks Paige.
"If Mrs. Fields isn't anything else, she is hospitable."
"Well let's not keep her waiting then," Naya says.
We all get out of the car and amble towards the front door. I unlock it and am hit in the face with the smell of fresh cookies. Oh it's so good to be home.
"Mom? Dad? We're here," I call out.
My mom rounds the corner with the biggest smile I've ever seen. She rushes me and pulls me into a tight hug. I return her hug with the same amount of vigor.
"My baby is home. It feels so good to hold you," she says.
"I feels good to be home," I reply.
"Here let me take a look at you."
She takes a step back and gives me the kind of once over that only a mother can.
"You look good honey. A little on the thin side, but I'll fix that while you're home," she says
I blush a little and step out of the way so that Paige and the others can say their hellos.
My mom grabs Paige and kisses both of her cheeks.
"Paige sweetie it's so good to have you home as well. How has everything been going?" she asks.
"They've been going well Mrs. Fields."
"Emily tells me that the two of you are a force to be reckoned with in the water."
"You could say that," she answers bashfully.
I don't know what it is, but Paige gets so incredibly cute around my mom. Shana coughs at the last comment and I roll my eyes extra hard. Far be it for her to forego recognition she thinks she deserves.
"Mom this Shana, Paige's girlfriend. She's on the swim team with us as well. And this is my good friend Naya."
"Hi girls. I'm so glad to be having you in my home. Let me know if there is anything you need while you're here."
"Emily there's no way that this stunning creature can possibly be your mother. She's clearly not old enough to have a child your age," Naya says.
This seems to tickle my mom and she giggles like a school girl.
"Thank you Naya. Why don't you girls come and get settled in. I'll show you where you'll be staying."
"Actually Mrs. Fields, Shana and I are going to head over to my house. I just wanted to stop in and say hello," Paige says.
We all make plans to meet up later. Paige and I have been ranting and raving to Shana and Naya about our favorite karaoke spot. They seemed anxious to check it.
"Where's dad?" I ask.
"He had a quick run to make. He should be back soon. So, Naya tell me about yourself."...
After dinner and a mild interrogation from my father, Naya and I are, once again, on our way to retrieve Paige and Shana.
"You're sure my fake will get me in here?" Naya asks.
"Of course. Paige and I go all the time when we're home," I answer.
I beep the horn twice and out comes the pair.
"Ladies are you ready?" Paige asks.
"As I'll ever be," I mumble...
The crowd at our spot is decent tonight. It's not too crowded but there's enough people for it to be a good time. We find ourselves a table and begin to shed our winter attire. I'm trying my damnedest not to stare at Paige, but it's nearly impossible to when she's looking as good she does.
"Shana do you want to help me get us a couple of drinks?" Naya suggests.
Shana nods her agreement and follows Naya to the bar. Paige and I sit silently while we survey the scene.
"Are you going to get up there and do your thing tonight?" I inquire.
"Yes. I promised Shana I would. She's never seen me perform before."
"Really? Never? And you guys have been dating for how long?" I ask.
"'A' it hasn't been that long and 'B' we're not dating."
I would like to dispute Paige's answer, but the subject in question has returned with our drinks. The libations are distributed and the four us sit and chat amicably. After a few performances, I notice Naya getting a little antsy next to me.
"You should go sing something sweetheart," I encourage.
"Only if my new band mate does it with me," Naya proposes.
Paige slams back the rest of her drink.
"Sure, why the hell not. But I get to pick the song this time," she requests.
The two of them make their way over to the stage to pick out a song a get ready to perform. I'm left all alone with Shana and I'm not really sure what to say. We sitting together for a few minutes uncomfortably.
"You're in for a treat. Those two really know how to put on a show," I say.
"So I've heard," she answers.
We're again silent and I'm grateful that Paige and Naya are finally taking the stage.
"It's been awhile since we've done this together, so please be kind if we're a little rusty," Paige says.
I see her glance over at Naya.
"Try to keep up," she tells her.
The music starts and the crowd gets deathly silent. Naya opens her mouth first to sing.
Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again.
Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again.
Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am fun again.
I feel myself start to tremble. I know what song Paige has picked. Naya lowers her mic as Paige gets ready to step in.
However far away I will always love you.
However long I stay I will always love you.
Whatever words I say I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I made the error once before of not listening to the message in the music. I'll be damned if I commit the same mistake again. I focus on Paige and let the song tell me all the things she has tried to, but can't. Naya fades to the periphery of my consciousness. All I see is Paige. Tears gently flow from my eyes as her words touch my soul. They finish the song to roaring applause. The pair take a bow and head off stage. I stand to greet them, but Naya abruptly pushes Paige out of one the side doors. I make my way out of the same door to catch them in the midst of a heated argument.
"Yeah well you need to get your shit together and stop jerking everyone around!" Naya yells.
"How I live my life is none of your concern. Mind your own business!" Paige yells back.
"What's going on out here?" I demand.
"Nothing," Paige answers.
She pushes past me and goes back through the door we exited out of.
I look at Naya for an explanation. She takes a deep breath then grasps both of my hands in hers.
"Em there's something I want to tell you and I need for you to hear me out," she says.
I nod my head but remain unspeaking. A sense of foreboding washes over me.
"I've know from day one, that I'd never be the owner of your heart. It belongs to another and I thought I was okay with that. Then I started to spend time with you. I can't even begin to tell you how you have changed my life for the better in so many ways. I can't deal with being your second choice anymore. It is painfully obvious that you and Paige have a lot of unresolved feelings between the two of you that you still need to deal with. It's not fair for me, or Shana, to be caught in the middle," she says.
"Naya I'm scared."
"I know you are doll, but Helen Keller can see that you two are crazy in love with each other. You just need to stop running long enough to give it a chance. I want to enjoy a nice Thanksgiving dinner with your family tomorrow. But when we get back to school, we can't hang out anymore for awhile," she states.
I can feel myself start to cry again. Why does it feel like I'm being dumped?
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I want for you to see where things go with Paige. You'll never do that as long as I'm standing in the way," she explains.
"But I don't want to lose you," I sob.
"And you won't. I'll still be around but I think I need to play the background for a little bit."
I don't like it but I accept what she's saying. I know she's being selfless and allowing me a chance at true happiness, but it still hurts like hell. She places a hand on my cheek and leans in to kiss me. She kisses me like its the last time she'll ever do it. The kiss is filled with so much hurt and unrequited love that it breaks my heart. I pull back and see the unshed tears shimmering in her eyes.
"I love you Emily Fields," she declares.
I kiss the palm of the hand on my cheek and pull her in for a tender embrace. We weep together, mourning the end of something that could have been...
We're all gathered around the dining room table the next day. Naya is making polite small talk with my parents. Shana and Paige are having a hushed conversation of their own. I can sense some agitation between the two of them.
"It's a shame what happened between you and Ben," my mom says out of the blue.
"Some things aren't meant to be mom," I say.
"But you two were so perfect for each other," she comments.
"Clearly not that perfect or we would still be together," I answer.
"How has he been?" she asks Paige.
"Good as far as I know. We don't talk much anymore," Paige explains.
This seems to perplex my mom, but she decides not to question it.
"I'm just saying I don't understand how two people who work together so well just call it quits," she continues.
"Something fundamental different changed between the two of us," I say.
"I just don't get it."
"Maybe it's not for you to get mom," I say frustrated.
"Naya do you have a boyfriend?" she asks.
I don't where her train of thought is going, but it's quickly infuriating me.
"No Mrs Fields. I, um, play for the other team," she answers.
"Oh" she says.
"Why did you say it like that mom?" I ask.
"No reason. It's just that she's such a pretty girl. I'm sure she would have no problem getting a guy."
"I don't have any problems getting guys. I just choose not to," Naya answers.
"And what does her being pretty have to do with it?" I ask.
"I just never assumed she would be gay. She's so feminine," she responds.
"Paige is gorgeous and she's gay," I reason.
"That she is but she's always been a tomboy. No offense Paige" she explains.
"None taken," Paige answers.
The table has gotten eerily quiet. Everyone is watch the altercation between my mother and I like its a Wimbledon match. My father, ever the peace maker, decides to step in.
"Everyone calm down. Emmy, what I think your mom is try to say is that she wishes things had turned out differently between you and Ben," he suggests.
"Well that ship has sailed and my life has been more better for it. We were never going to last anyway," I say.
"What do you mean?" my mom asks.
"I've been in love with someone else for a very long time and just have been in denial. It wasn't until I broke up with Ben that I have been able to embrace my true self."
"That's great news honey. Who is he?" My dad asks.
I close my eyes and take in a few deep breaths to steady myself. I feel Naya clasp my hand under the table. I open my eyes and look at her.
"You don't have to do this Em," she says.
I look across the table in to the face of my one true love. I can't deny my feelings for her or who I am any longer.
"Yes I do and I need to do it now before I lose my nerve," I tell her.
"Well dad, he is a she and I have loved her for my whole life. It has only been recently that I've been able to come to grips with the depth and magnitude of that love. What I'm trying to say is, mom, dad... I'm gay."
I steel myself for their reaction to my revelation. My mom is sitting, mouth agape. My dad takes a long drink from his glass of scotch.
"Emmy are you sure?" he asks me.
"Yes."
"But how can this be?" my mom finally says.
"What do you mean?"
"We didn't raise you this way Emily. How could you choose to do this to yourself?" she asks.
I can feel myself getting angry. I try to compose myself, but the rage just seems to boil over.
"This was hardly a choice and how dare you insinuate it is anything otherwise. Not only are you insulting me, but you're insulting my friends who all happen to be gay also. I never pegged you to be so closed minded and ignorant. I'm ashamed to call you my mother."
I can't be in this house another second with her. I storm out the front door and pace back and forth on the porch. A second later I hear the door open and look up to see Paige looking at me with concerned eyes.
"Do you mind if I sit?" she asks.
I motion towards the porch swing. She takes a seat and watches me continue my pacing.
"How can she be so insensitive? She raised me to be tolerant and accepting, but the minute I'm different, all of a sudden I'm not the daughter she raised," I rant.
Paige grabs my wrist to stop my pacing.
"Give her some time Em. She'll come around," she says.
"But,"
"Emily, I didn't come out here to talk about your mom."
I look into Paige's eyes and try to recall a time that I have ever seen in them what I see in them now. No such time comes to mind.
"Em I need to ask you something and I need the absolute truth," she starts.
I nod and wait for her to continue.
"When you told your parents that you were deeply in love with some one, who were you talking about?"
The woman who is my heart's desire is standing in front of me begging me to tell her what she needs to hear. She's daring me to be true. Not only to myself, but to her as well. I think back to Naya's advice about not running.
"I was talking about you," I admit.
There it is. I have laid my soul completely bare before her. There is nowhere left to hide. I just pray that it isn't too late.
"What about Naya?" she asks.
"Naya has known all along that my heart has always resided with you. We came to a mutual decision that it's best for us to be friends. Platonic friends, but nothing more."
Paige looks like she's trying to digest this previously unknown information. I take it as an opportunity to plead my case.
"I know I've put you through hell lately and for that I deeply apologize. I know that you and Shana have something special and I don't want to interfere with that, but from the moment I kissed you, I knew I never wanted to kiss another person for the rest of my life. I'm tired of the running and hiding from you. I'll give anything to be able to be yours. I'll wait as long as I have to. Just please tell me I'm not too late."