A/N: I won't spend much time blathering on my in my notes. This is a major chapter that I want you to get to. Also I tried something new with this one. I hope you guys get my points of reference between past and present tense. I would hate for it to make it hard or confusing to follow. As always, keep the love coming. I appreciate every piece of it...
"I know I've put you through hell lately and for that I deeply apologize. I know that you and Shana have something special and I don't want to interfere with that, but from the moment I kissed you, I knew I never wanted to kiss another person for the rest of my life. I'm tired of running and hiding from you. I'll give anything to be able to be yours. I'll wait as long as I have to. Just please tell me I'm not too late."
How long have I ached for Emily to say these words to me? How many nights have I dreamt of Emily professing her love for me? She's standing now before me, my beautiful Emily, proclaiming that she wants me and only me. Yet all I can seem to think about is why now?
"Where is all of this coming from?" I ask her.
She has the most confused look on her face.
"I don't understand," she says.
"This sudden declaration of love. Why now?"
"Why not now? It has taken an extreme amount of effort to hide my desire for you. To pretend that I'm fine with us just being friends, while another woman takes my place."
"So that's what this is about? It's not that you really want me. It's more that you don't want Shana to have me," I spit out.
I can feel myself getting angry. I stand and take over the act of pacing as an outlet for my outrage. I can't believe that her motivation to finally open up is purely to spite Shana. Emily is silently watching me move back and forth. She waits but a moment before she moves from her place against the railing.
"Paige," she says as she grabs ahold of my wrist.
I shrug off her touch. She's not deterred by my rejection. If anything she seems more determined.
"Baby can you please listen to me?" she asks in a hushed tone.
The timbre in her voice causes me to take pause. Emily is firmly holding my face in between her hands. I can see the emotion pouring forth from those deeply intense eyes. I can feel me ire slowly start to dissipate.
"I will admit that I don't want you to be with anyone else, but that isn't the reason I'm doing this. If anything, seeing you with Shana has been the wake up call I've needed. I could either let my fear hold me captive and risk losing you forever or I could allow myself to be free. I choose to be free."
It would be so easy for me to give in right now. She's looking at me with a soul piercing gaze. I know she wants to kiss me and every fiber of my being is screaming for me to kiss her back. Her thumb is gently caressing my cheek. I gather my thoughts and swallow hard at what I'm about to say.
"Em, feelings are running high right now. I mean you just came out to your parents for goodness sake. I think we should take a step back for a second."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I need some time to think about everything. Can we revisit this conversation when we get back to school? I don't want either of us to make a permanent decision off of a temporary emotion," I explain.
I expect her to question whether I'm turning her down yet again. To go off on a tirade and ask for a better explanation than the one I'm giving her. I even expect her to pout, kick and scream until she gets her way. For the second time this evening, what she does next completely surprises me.
"I don't like it, but I understand. I told you that I would wait for you and I meant that. Just know that my intentions are pure. I love you, Paige McCullers, with everything that I am."
She places a hint of a kiss on my cheek and heads back inside. I let out the breath I didn't even know I was holding. I take a minute to composes myself before I head back into the fray as well...
As is expected, dinner dispersed soon after. No one was in a festive mood anymore. Shana and I decide to spend the rest of our vacation at my family's home. Emily needs some time to hash things out with her family. I also need some space and time to determine what I'm going to do. Shana opted to venture out on her own today. I'm not much in the mood to run into any familiar faces and she didn't fancy sitting in the house all day. I'm curled up on the couch pretending to read a book. What I'm really doing is thinking back to the series of unfortunate, or maybe they're fortunate, events that have led to me being in the current difficult position that I'm in. It all started that night in the locker room.
Last Monday evening...
"I just got to the Natatorium... Okay, I'll see you in a little bit."
I end my call with Shana and head inside. I want to be in the running to compete in this upcoming tournament. I've been training like a mad woman to be at my peak performance level. I know Emily has been training hard as well, but luckily we haven't crossed paths. I'm not yet ready to deal with what almost happened between us. I'm searching through my IPod for my favorite playlist to listen to before I get ready to swim. I enter the locker room and look up to find Emily standing in front of her locker looking like an angel straight from heaven.
"Hey you," she greets me.
"Hey Em."
"I didn't expect to run into anyone this late," she says.
I begin to explain how I've been doing early morning training but my schedule today didn't permit me such a luxury. She makes a comment about the water and we both go back to our respective tasks. I can tell she wants to talk, but doesn't know how to broach the subject. I start a conversation of my own to avoid the topic that she wants to discuss altogether. Little did I know, making travel arrangements to get home for Thanksgiving would lead me right into the lion's den.
"Paige can we talk?" she rushes out.
I want to do anything but talk.
"About?" I ask.
"The other night."
"There's nothing to talk about," I reply.
"Really?" she asks in an irritated tone.
"Really. We were both drunk off our asses. We almost did something stupid and hurtful, but we didn't. That's all there is to it," I explain casually.
I'm being purposefully obtuse in hopes of down playing what happened. The only thing I think it's accomplishing is pissing Emily off more.
"That's all there is to it? I can't believe you're being so cavalier about this," she rants.
I look up and catch Shana strolling in. Never in my life have I been more grateful for an interruption. The two exchange pleasantries and polite conversation that seems anything but pleasant or polite. Their dialogue is halted and a stare off ensues. I just wish the earth beneath me would crack open so I could disappear.
"I didn't interrupt anything, did I?" Shana asks.
"Not at all. I was actually finished for the night and was about to head out. You ladies have a nice swim," Emily replies.
She grabs her things and leaves Shana and I alone in the locker room.
"I did interrupt something, didn't I?" Shana asks.
"It's nothing Shana. Can we please just drop it."
"I'd love to drop it, but I'm tired of 'it' interfering with our relationship," she says.
"I don't know what your talking about."
"Oh, but you do. Ever since the party, you and Emily have been doing this weird little dance. I'm sure you think no one has noticed, but you two have gone out of your way to either avoid each other or be extra nice to each other. So tell me, what's going on?"
How do I begin to explain to the woman that I am growing very fond of that the woman I have loved since forever tried to make a pass at me? I think about it for a split second and decide that I don't. There's no way that Shana can begin to understand what happened and is happening between Emily and I.
"Come on let's get in the water before it gets too late," I say...
Saturday Morning...
It's earlier Saturday morning and Emily, Shana, Naya and I are all piled in Em's car on the way back to school. Our return trip is decidedly more somber than or journey to Rosewood was. Shana is on the the other side of the car, staring at the passing scenery. Naya and Emily are equally quiet in the front. It's easy to see that everyone is ready to get back to school and put this whole weekend behind us. Was it only a few short days ago that we were all in this car, excited to spend the holiday together.
Last Wednesday Morning...
"Just promise you'll be gentle when you break my heart."
I'm stirring from my nap in the back seat when I catch the tail end of the conversation between Naya and Emily. I don't want to intrude on what seems to be a private moment, so I make some exaggerated movements to alert them that I'm awake.
"Hey Sleeping Beauty," Emily says to me.
She's smiling at me through the rear view mirror and I return her smile. I look out the window and for the life of me can't figure out where we are.
"Hey, where are we?" I ask.
"Close. We should be there soon."
I can feel my leg start to tingle from lack of proper blood circulation. Shana has been laying on it for at least an hour now and it's starting to get uncomfortable. I shuffle a bit to put the two of us in a better position.
"She is so thin, but she's heavier than she looks," I comment.
"I know what you mean. I wake up some nights to Emily crushing me. I don't know what it is about swimmers. Your physique is very deceiving," Naya says.
If I could shoot lasers from my eyes, Naya would have been dead long ago. Mind you, I know I have no place to be upset about what Emily does with whom. What I don't need is to have it rubbed in my face by my arch nemesis no less. I glance at Emily's reflection in the rear view mirror and see her watching my reaction. She actually looks elated that I'm displeased with Naya's need to over share. Yeah, I don't like her very much right now either. I keep telling myself that it's just a few short days that we'll be here. I can handle that, can't I?
We pull up outside of Em's house not too shortly after. It feels like forever since I've been here. This place has been a home to me more since my mother has passed than my own house. So many happy times in my life have taken place within those four walls. Naya and Emily are chatting about who knows what. I've kind of zoned out into my own personal thoughts. I feel a gentle nudge in my side.
"Hey, where'd you just go?" Shana asks.
"No where. Just thinking about how glad I am to be back at this place. Many a good times have been had with the Fields," I explain.
We gather our things and make our way in the house.
"Mom? Dad? We're here," Emily calls out.
Pam Fields comes from somewhere in the house looking as stunning as ever. Mrs. Fields is very much a mother figure to me, but I must admit, I've always had a little crush on her. I mean, how could you not. She's an older, hotter version of Emily. Mr. Fields is a very lucky man. Emily and her mom fawn all over each other for a little bit. Mrs. Fields then turns her attention to me and smothers me with affection. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my mom immensely, but being around Emily's mom has made it that much more bearable. We catch up a bit before Em goes about making introductions.
"Mom this is Shana, Paige's girlfriend. She's on the swim team with us as well."
Why in the world did Emily feel the need to introduce Shana that way, I'll never know. She turns to introduce Naya and I can sense her hesitation.
"And this is my good friend Naya."
Naya starts spewing some cheesy compliment to Mrs. Fields that almost makes me want to throw up. I let her know that Shana and I intend to stay at my house and that we just wanted to say hello. We gather our things and head next door.
"Hello," I call out into an empty house.
I didn't expect my dad to be here, but it would've been a nice surprise if he was.
"So this is your house. Impressive," Shana whistles.
"Would you like the grand tour?" I ask.
She nods in the affirmative and I take her hand. I bring her around and show her all of the nooks and crannies of my family home.
"And this is my room," I say.
I push the door open wide to allow her to enter. I follow close behind and plop down on the bed. I watch her as she picks up pictures and examines knick knacks.
"This place is so incredibly you," she comments.
I snicker a little at her assessment. She makes her way to my bed and straddles my lap. My body tenses as she leans in to kiss me. I turn away a second before our lips touch.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
"Nothing. I'm just still really tired from the drive. Can we just take a nap before we meet up with the girls later?"
"Ok, sure," she concedes.
I lay back on my side and close my eyes. I try to quiet my thoughts long enough to drift off, but sleep seems to be eluding me. Just a few days, I tell myself.
Saturday Night...
It's not often that I'm glad to have the apartment to myself. I miss Spencer more than I thought I would, but I need my present solitude to sort myself out. Emily just dropped me off not too long ago. The only inclination I have is to shower and sleep. I shed my clothes and head towards the bathroom. I turn on the the faucet and let the water heat up. I plug my IPod into the speaker dock and set it on shuffle. I step under the stream of water as the soft tones of Adele carry me away. I'm once again lost in introspective contemplation.
Last Wednesday Night...
The four of us are headed to my favorite karaoke spot. There's nothing I need more than to get some liquor in my system and to live my life on stage. We get in with little trouble and find a nice spot to perch. Shana and Naya wander off to acquire us some adult beverages. That leaves Emily and I alone. Again.
"Are you going to get up there and do your thing tonight?" she asks.
"Yes. I promised Shana I would. She's never seen me perform before."
"Really? Never? And you guys have been dating for how long?"
"'A' it hasn't been that long and 'B' we're not dating," I point out.
I want to ask Emily why she feels the need to emphasize that Shana is my girlfriend when I've pointed out numerous times that she isn't, but the subject in question and Ursala the sea witch have returned with our drinks. We make idle chit chat while a few people get up and take their turn at the mic. Naya is getting a little fidgety and Emily encourages her to go sing something.
"Only if my new band mate does it with me," Naya smiles.
I consider it for a moment.
"Sure, why the hell not. But I get to pick the song this time."
We make our way to the front and I already have the perfect song in mind. I pick Adele's cover of The Cure's "Lovesong". I know Emily will recognize it the moment she hears it. I remember explaining to her that when I heard the original, I didn't appreciate the song for what it really was. It wasn't until I heard Adele's soulful version that I understood the song was aptly named. It is indeed the quintessential love song. I described how it was a song about finding that other half that makes you whole and no amount of distance or time will cause your love for that person to diminish. This song touched me profoundly and has always resonated deep within.
"It's been awhile since we've done this together, so please be kind if we're a little rusty," I explain to the audience.
I glance at Naya and tell her, "Try to keep up."
There's a hush that falls over the room when the music starts. Naya starts the song. I close my eyes and sway to the beat as I wait for my part. The lyrics are imprinted on my heart and I can feel my emotions building up. It doesn't hurt that Naya sings it so beautifully. It's like she knows what I'm trying to accomplish by performing this tonight.
How ever far away I will always love you.
How ever long I stay I will always love you.
Whatever words I say I will always love you.
I will always love.
I look through the crowd and Emily is all I see. If I'm being honest with myself, Emily is always the only thing I see. I see her looking and listening and I know she hears me. There has been plenty of miscommunication between the two of us lately, but right here in this moment, she hears me. We finish the sound to raucous applause. I'm headed back to our table when Naya bum rushes me out of one of the side exits.
"What. The fuck. Was that?" she snarls.
I just look at her while I try to elect how much I want to tell her.
"That was a real dick move for you to sing a song like that to my girl," she yells.
I try to defend myself, but she promptly shuts me down.
"It was also really shitty of you to sing said song to my girl in front of your girl."
I want to be mad at her, but I can't be. She's absolutely right on all accounts. I just couldn't help myself.
"I know you have feelings for my girl, but why even bother with Shana if you can't get over Em?" she asks.
"Because when I'm with Shana, it doesn't hurt as much," I explain.
"Yeah well you need to get your shit together and stop jerking everyone around!" Naya hollers.
"How I live my life is none of your concern. Mind your own business!" I yell back.
By this point Emily has joined us. Between the song and my screaming match with Naya, I'm already emotionally drained. I can't take anymore.
"What's going on out here?" she demands.
"Nothing," I answer.
I brush past her and make my way inside. I search out Shana to let her know that we're leaving. I know she's going to want an explanation too, but I don't have it in me right now to give her one.
Sunday Evening...
I unlock the door to my apartment and collapse on the couch. I don't even bother to turn on any lights. These last few days have been some of the hardest I've ever had to deal with. I gather myself and get ready to handle the final piece in my puzzle. Hopefully after this, my life can go back to being calm and uneventful. I pull out my phone and text Emily.
I need to see you
I hit the send button and wait. Within seconds my screen lights up with a text back from her.
When
Now
Is everything ok
Yes but I have to talk to you
What's up
This is something that needs to be said in person.
Ok I'll be there in 20
I set my phone down and wait. I'm half way tempted to pour myself a shot to calm my nerves, but this is a life changing decision that I want to make with a clear head. There's a knock at my door in what seems to be far shorter than twenty minutes. I reach over to the end table and provide the room with the barest amount of illumination. When I answer the door, Emily is standing on the other side looking like a vision from my dreams.
"Hi," she says shyly.
I smile and step aside to allow her entrance. She walks in and sits on the couch. I can tell by her posture that she's as nervous as I am. Might as well put both of us out of our misery.
"First I want to say thank you for allowing me the time to figure things out. I know it's been hard for you to do and I appreciate your patience," I start.
I stop to give her an opportunity to respond. She's virtually speechless. I can feel my confidence dwindling, so I plow forth.
"I've spent many a sleepless nights, contemplating on what to do about you and I. I've replayed conversations we've had. I've taken in to consideration your fears about risking our friendship for the sake of a relationship. I've thought about our situation in every way imaginable and I've come to the conclusion that..."
I pause again and let out a long breath. I can feel my heart hammering against my chest. I can't believe how hard this is, but it's now or never.
"Emily, I need you like I need the air to breath. I've been suffocating without you and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to be with you."
She's sitting before me, mouth open, completely stunned. I don't know whether she received my answer in a good way or a bad way.
"Em did you hear me?" I ask.
"Yeah I heard. I just can't believe it. I feel like I'm in some kind of dream and I need someone to pinch me so I know that it's real."
"I can do you one better."
I pull her to me and kiss her. Hard. This time is a thousand times better than the first time we kissed. This kiss isn't filled with doubt or uncertainty. It's filled with tenderness and the promise of happily ever after. She pulls away and I can see the love radiating all over her. I lean in and kiss her nose.
"Still believe it's a dream?" I ask.
"Well dream Paige kisses just like that. You better do it again so that I'm sure."
I laugh at her craftiness and shake my head. I'm going to have my hands full with this one.
"I love you, Paige McCullers."
"I love you, Emily Fields."