A/N: This chapter has been vexing me for an ETERNITY! Inspiration finally hit me today and I was able to complete it. Don't want to give too much away, so I'll let you get on with the reason you're here. You all know the drill. Read, follow, favorite, review and enjoy...
Paige told me yes. I asked her and she said yes. She said that she wanted to be with me. Paige McCullers is mine. No matter how I pose it, I can't seem to wrap my brain around the fact that Paige chose me. Happy doesn't even begin to describe the elation I feel. Giddy, perhaps. Jovial, gleeful, delighted. I don't think there is a word to aptly describe it. It's been three weeks since we agreed to give our love a shot and there seems to be no sign of these feelings abating. I'm still in awe that she picked me. When she texted me that fateful night to come over, I was pretty sure it was to tell me that she wanted to see where things with Shana could go and that we should remain just friends.
We've been practically inseparable ever since. Morning walks hand in hand to class. Afternoons spent snuggled up on a sofa at the coffee shop. Early dinners in the dining hall. Late night study session at her place. Let's not forget the sleep overs. I think those are my favorite part. It feels so right to end my day laying next to her. I peak an eye open and glance at the digital clock resting on her nightstand. There's ten minutes left before the alarm will sound. I sigh blissfully as I cuddle up closer into her back. I let my fingers wander over some of my favorite places on her body. The questing digits come to rest underneath her T-shirt right above the waistband of her underwear. I can feel her slowing starting to wake up. I can't resist the desire to aid in her awakening. I place a flurry of kisses behind her ear. She wiggles against me and moves her head so that I have better access to her.
"Mmm Jennifer Lawrence is that you?" she moans.
I snap the band on her underwear and she chortles in pain.
"Jennifer Lawrence, huh?" I ask.
"Em have you seen Katniss Everdeen? The way she wields a bow and arrow is very sexy."
She rolls over and I'm gifted with the first smile of the day. I prop myself up to get a better look at her. Her eyes are bright and sparkling with a hint of mischief. Her glorious brown strands are all over the place. I could live a thousand lifetimes and still not be able to come close to anything as beautiful as Paige first thing in the morning.
"Hi," I whisper.
"Hi."
I start to get lost in that all too familiar feeling I'm coming to associate with Paige. It always begins in the pit of my stomach. It spreads through me like wildfire and I'm compelled to act on it. I lean in and place a kiss at the juncture of her jaw and neck. Its one of her spots that I discovered on a particularly intense kissing marathon. I can feel the vibration of her vocal appreciation on the spot that my lips are connected to her skin. A wayward hand is making feather like movements up the leg that's thrown over hers. Her hips move subtly against me and its my turn to moan my appreciation. I'm on autopilot by now as my hand takes it upon itself to leave its current position on Paige's stomach and travel lower. Paige's breathing changes the minute she realizes where my hand is headed.
"Em," she says.
In the back of my mind I can hear her calling me, but I'm so focused on the mission at hand that I don't process she's trying to get my attention.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
The sound of the alarm brings my early morning seduction to a halt.
"Dammit," I huff into the pillow.
I peep at Paige next to me and she has her forearm covering her eyes. She's breathing heavy and there's a slight tremor in her hand.
"Baby?" I murmur.
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry for getting so carried away."
"Em it's ok."
"No it's not. We said we'd wait until we're both ready. You just feel so damn good and I seem to lose myself every time I touch you," I explain.
She moves her arm and gives me another smile. This one is followed up with a kiss.
"I understand and I said it's ok. Come on, let's get ready before we're late."
Before I can say anything else, she's out of bed and headed for the shower. I take a moment to mentally chastise myself. I need to get a handle on my hormones and fast...
Whoever said patience is a virtue obviously was not dating someone who looked like Paige McCullers. When Paige and I got over the euphoria of actually being together, we sat down and had a practical conversation about our relationship. She felt that even though we have known each other forever, we've never experienced each other in this capacity and that we should take it slow. I agreed and have been regretting that decision ever since. I know she's being sensitive to my needs and trying to be mindful of the fact that I'm just coming to terms with my sexuality. The thing is, I've never been more sure of something ever. I desire her in every way imaginable and I don't see these feelings vanishing any time soon. I've been wound so tight lately that I feel like the slightest thing will make me explode. The only upside to all this unused sexual energy is that it seems to have improved my swimming immensely. So much so that coach has taken notice and has called me to her office after practice.
"What do you think she wants?" Paige asks.
"Your guess is as good as mine."
"Good luck in there. I have to get to my final, but I'll see you tonight?"
"Absolutely."
I place a quick kiss on her cheek and venture into the unknown. I tap lightly at the door and peek my head in through the opening.
"You wanted to see me coach?" I ask tentatively.
"Fields. Come in and have a seat," she says.
I take a seat and expel a breath. I'm trying not to let my nerves get the best of me, but I can't help but feel like I'm in trouble.
"I been watching you these last few weeks. Your technique has been superb. You're smashing records in the water. Simply put you're on fire."
"Thanks coach," I say.
"But I didn't call you here to stroke your ego. I want to talk to you about your future plans in regards to swimming."
"I guess I never really thought of anything past college," I answer honestly.
"Have you ever thought about trying out for the Olympic team?" she asks.
I shake my head no.
"Some of the U.S. coaches have been out scouting and your name has come up. They'll be at the next meet. They'll be watching your individual event as well as you anchoring the relay," she explains.
"I'm anchoring the relay?" I ask surprised.
"Of course. Why would I give that job to anyone but my best swimmer."
"Thank you."
"Don't thank me. Just go out and show me that I made the right decision," she says.
"I'll do my best. I won't let you down," I reply.
"That's all I can ask for."
She shakes my hand and I take my leave. Did what I think just happened really happen? Me, on the Olympic swim team? I can't wait to tell Paige the news...
I'm in the deserted locker room gathering my things together. I don't have any finals today which is ideal. I still need some time wrap my brain around the offer coach just made me. I'm lost in a world of my own thoughts when an abruptly closed locker door brings me back to the present.
"So I hear your anchoring the relay for the big meet," Shana says.
"Holy hell. You could have announced yourself," I admonish.
She shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly.
"So is it true?" she asks.
"I just found out myself. How in the world do you know about it?"
"I told you on day one that I like to keep track of everyone on my team. That hasn't changed," she explains.
"Shana I really don't have the energy to do this with you right now, so could we not."
I grab the rest of my things and make towards the door.
"I always knew that you wanted Paige," she starts.
I stop cold in my tracks, but I don't dare turn around. I've been waiting for weeks for Shana to confront me. Of course she picks the most inopportune time.
"She was so naive to think that just because your mouth said you didn't want more that your heart felt the same way, but I could always see it. It was in your eyes. They gave you away every time."
I turn to face her.
"Shana, I"
She raises her hand to silence me. My words fall dead in my throat.
"I told Paige that I didn't trust you. She always defended your honor and how trustworthy you were, but it was a farce. You're selfish and inconsiderate and you want what you want with little regard to how it will effect the people around you."
She stops for a moment and I try to digest her words. Is that really how she sees me?
"How's Naya doing?" she ask.
That was one button she's not allowed to push and I think she knows it. If I'm not mistaken she did it just to get a rise out of me. I take a few steps closer to her.
"Don't you dare ask me about her," I say in a low, even tone.
"Why is that? Is it because you don't know how she's doing?"
"Look, I'm just respecting her wishes," I explain.
"Of course you are. You have your grand prize. To hell with everyone else right? All I know Emily is you better not hurt her. You better treasure Paige like the precious jewel that she is. One misstep and you ass is mine."
Shana blows by me and storms out of the locker room...
It seems that my lovely Paige is on everyone's mind today. She is the current topic of discussion between Hanna and I as we sit in our dorm room. We're supposed to be studying for finals, but have long ago ditched that for a more interesting diversion. Hanna caught me doing my best "lovesick puppy" look, as she calls it, and couldn't resist the opportunity to tease me.
"I love her so much Han. I always knew that I felt something deep for her, but I had no idea how much until I allowed myself to fully feel it," I gush.
Hanna is grinning like I just told her she has an all expense paid shopping trip to Macy's.
"You two are so freaking cute. I wasn't going to mention it, but ever since you guys got together, you've had this glow about you that I can't really describe," she says.
"I feel so free. I'm allowed to be with the love of my life openly. My parents know who I am. I don't have to lie about it or hide it. I wouldn't trade places with anyone right now for all of the money in the world," I say.
"Speaking of your parents, how are they coming along on the 'gay' front?" she asks.
"Slowly or not at all. My dad seems to be a little more acceepting of the fact that this is who I am. My mom, on the other hand, is convinced that this is a phase."
"So she thinks you're gay until graduation?" Hanna jokes.
"Is that a thing?"
"Apparently it is. Most women use their college years as a chance to explore and experiment with their sexuality. Many have been known to take a dip in the lady pond and then head right back to heteroville the minute that diploma hits their hand," she explains.
"Is that so? Tell me Hanna, do you fantasize about me at night while we're sleeping?" I tease.
"Eww Em, definitely not. You're like a sister to me. Now Paige on the other hand," she says salaciously.
I pick up a stuffed animal and fling it across the room at her. She laughs hard as she dodges my assault.
"Seriously though babe, I'm ecstatic for your guys."
"Things are going great," I begin.
"But?"
"But I'm going out of my mind with sexual frustration."
"Wait a minute, you guys haven't done it yet?" she asks incredulously.
"No."
"Well why the hell not?"
"Because my love is insistent on being extremely chivalrous and waiting until we're both ready."
"And I take it you're ready?"
"Beyond ready. We make out like we invented kissing. I leave her house so turned on that I feel like I'm ready to crawl out of my skin."
Hanna spends a moment in quiet contemplation.
"Is it ok if I ask you something, Em? It's kind of personal. You don't have to answer it if you don't want to."
"What is it?"
"Is it safe to say that you feel, um, more excited with Paige then you did with Ben?"
"Oh my gosh yes! There isn't even any comparison between the two. It takes Paige five minutes to get me to the point it would take Ben an hour to."
"Really?"
"Yes really. I have never thought about sex so much in my entire life. And she doesn't even have to be around. I just think about kissing her. Or the way she smells. Or the feel of her hair in between my fingers and I want to...ugh," I groan into my pillow.
"So why don't you just end your suffering and tell her you're ready?"
"Because I think she's the one who isn't ready."
"What makes you think that?" Hanna inquires.
"Whenever I make a move to progress further, she freezes up on me," I elaborate.
"What? Miss Hot Stuff is having issues getting naked and doing nasty things with you?"
"Why Hanna? Why?" I gripe.
"What'd I do?"
"Why'd you have to say it like that? Now I have a mental picture of Paige, naked doing nasty things with me," I complain.
"Sorry not sorry," she teases.
"Ass," I retort.
"But seriously Em, have you tried talking to her?" Hanna ask.
"No," I reply petulantly.
"Cause that sounds too much like the obvious thing to do right?"
"Are you purposely trying to be a pain in the ass today or is that just a pleasant side effect of your main goal?" I ask.
"I'm just trying to help you to get the love train to leave the station. Harp on me all you want, but you know that I'm right."
Having made her point, she goes back to studying. I return my attention to my books and mull over what I'm going to do...
"You've been awful quiet this evening," Paige comments.
It's early evening and the two of us are stretched out on her sofa. We've been in this position for the last thirty minutes and it's evident that neither one of us has the inclination to move. The only light present is the soft glow of the streetlights outside of her window. The room is deathly silent with the exception of the pleasant rhythm of Paige's voice. She's leisurely playing in my hair while recapping her day for me. All I've contributed to the conversation thus far is a few noises to indicate that I was following along.
"I need to talk to you about something," I say.
I feel her body go rigid underneath me.
"It's nothing bad Love. Just something major happened today and I wanted to share it with you first."
She instantly relaxes and resumes playing in my hair.
"Coach said that I'm being scouted to swim on the Olympic team," I rush out.
Her hand stops mid stroke. She displaces me and moves to sit up. I have a growing sense of trepidation as she moves to turn on the lamp on the end table.
"What? How?" she asks.
I replay the conversation that I had with coach while she listen intently.
"So you're telling me that you might have the opportunity to represent our country in Brazil next year?"
"Yes," I answer hesitantly.
Her face breaks out in to a huge smile and I can feel my apprehension ease. Before I can realize what's happening, she's engulfed me in a bear hug and is placing kisses all over my face.
"You are a freaking rock star!" she exclaims.
I move back in and kiss her soundly on the lips. Her hands are back in my hair and I push her back to our previous positions. Our kisses are getting hungrier and I know I'm getting dangerously close to the point of no return. I make a move to get better access to her skin and she tenses up on me again. All I can hear is Hanna encouraging me to talk to her.
"Can we talk about this?" I ask her.
She exhales heavily. Obviously she's known this conversation was bound to happen and has been dreading it.
"Yes," she answers.
"Why do you get nervous when I make a move to be more physical with you. I know we said we'd wait until we're ready. But love I'm more than ready and I know you know that. So what's up?"
She closes her eyes and I can tell she is struggling with what she wants to say.
"Baby what is it? You can tell me anything," I encourage.
She still has her eyes shut, but I see a tear trickle down her cheek.
"I'm sorry Em."
"Don't apologize. Just tell me what is the matter."
She moves to get up, but I use all of my body weight to keep her firmly in place. I don't want to lose the intimate connection we have right now. I know as soon as we disconnect the moment will be gone.
"I'm afraid," she says.
"Afraid? Afraid of what?"
"Afraid that I won't be able to please you. Afraid that it won't be any good and then the magical spell will be broken. Afraid that I won't be enough and you'll realize you've made the wrong choice."
"Honey if anyone should be afraid of all those things, it should be me. I'm brand new to this and still learning as I go. You're the one whose at least been with other girls before."
"No I haven't."
To say I'm a little stunned at this admission would be an understatement.
"You mean," I start.
"Yep."
"Not even Shana?"
"We did stuff together, but I never could bring myself to go all the way. I always felt that was a special gift that I could only give once. I have only ever seen myself giving that to you," she explains.
"Oh baby," I sigh.
I lean in and kiss her again. This time it's to convey my undying love and gratitude that she's entrusting me so completely with her heart.
"I love you so much Paige. Sometimes I think my heart might burst from the sheer magnitude of it. There is nothing that you could do that would diminish that feeling. Do you hear me?"
"I hear you and I know you're ready. Please just be a little patient with me. I promise I won't make you wait forever. These last few weeks have been like a dream and I don't want the dream to end. Let me deal with my issues. When we do finally make love, I don't want anything between us but you and I."
With a request like that, how in the world could I say no...
I've been replaying my conversation with Paige over in my head for the last couple of days now. Maybe all she needs is some reassurance. I know she told me her reasons, but for the life of me, I feel like that can't be the only thing that has her so intimidated with being intimate with me. She is the one with more experience with the fairer sex than I am, as little as it maybe. I'm at a lost at what I can do to ease her apprehension. I ponder this, amongst other things, while I wait in line to pick up our dinner. I catch a flash of something familiar out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head and catch Naya laughing and chatting with a pretty girl. She looks over and does a little double take when she realizes it's me. We haven't seen or spoken to each other since we got back from Rosewood almost a month ago. She excuses herself from her conversation and saunters over to me.
"Hey Em," she says.
"Hey you," I respond.
We're at a lost at what to say to each other. The silence stretches on and I start to feel a little uncomfortable.
"How have you been?" I ask.
"As good as can be expected. What about you?" she asks.
"I, I'm," I stutter.
"Doll you don't have to hide how happy you are from me. I can see it all over your face," she says.
"Naya, I never meant to hurt you. I swear I didn't. If it weren't for you, I never would have had the courage to finally be me. You touched a place in me I didn't even know existed. It's just that I feel Paige in my soul and I couldn't deny that any longer," I explain.
She's trying to put on her best brave face, but I can see the hurt in her eyes. It pains me to know that I'm the one who put it there.
"I knew what it was when I started to pursue you. I'm just glad that you're able to have your happy ending. If she steps a toe out if line, you have my number," she smiles.
She places a soft kiss on my cheek and leaves the same way she came...
"So have you told your parents yet?" Paige asks.
We're lounging on my bed, enjoying our dinner and chatting. We're sitting perpendicular to each other with my legs casually thrown across hers. I'm trying to acquaint my body with the sensation of touching Paige without the worry of my desire breaking free. So far, I'm barely keeping the lid on it.
"Not yet. It's something I want to do in person. Besides I think that they're still disappointed in me," I explain.
"I don't think they're disappointed per say. It's just that you're changing and they don't quite know how to deal with the change," she reasons.
"Either way, I don't feel like now is the time to drop more life altering news on them."
"I still can't believe that you might have a shot at being on the Olympic team," she says.
"I know what you mean. I still feels surreal to me," I agree.
"I'm so happy for you Em. I don't think that there's anyone who's more proud of you than I am," Paige states.
I look down at my plate bashfullly. Paige makes me feel like I can accomplish the most insurmountable task. I take another bite of my pasta and meet her beautiful eyes smiling back at me.
"You have some sauce on you lip. Here let me get it," she offers.
Paige leans over and uses her thumb to remove the sauce from my face. The passion that's always bubbling right below the surfs springs up at full force. I grab her wrist and trap her thumb between my lips. I run my tongue over the pad of it and I hear her breath hitch at the teasing strokes. I release her thumb to move on to her index finger. I repeat the action ever so slowly. I can tell the sensation is getting to be too much when her eyelids flutter close.
"Paige," I whisper.
"Yeah," is her breathy response.
"Open your eyes."
She does as I request. I look her dead in the eyes as I take her entire middle finger in my mouth. She lets out a strangled groan, but doesn't break eye contact.
"Baby what are you doing to me?" she whispers.
I ignore her question and continue to gently suck on her finger. I'm only allowed a moment to tease before she removes her hand from my grasp. Paige leans over to place her food, as well as mine, on the nearby nightstand.
"Lay back," she commands.
I'm all to happy to comply with her wishes. I lay down and she soon follows, sliding on top of me. Her lips find mine and I moan from the feel of them. Each kiss we exchange gets more heated and I can tell her resolve is breaking. I decide that the only way we are ever going to reach the promise land is if I push a little harder. I guide her hand underneath my shirt and place it against my stomach. We both sigh in pleasure at the contact. Her lips start to blaze a trail down my jaw to my collarbone. I bite my lip and arch in to her.
"Take this off of me," I beg.
She stops the kisses and looks me in my eyes. The look is asking me am I sure. I subtly nod my head in the affirmative. Her eyes never leave mine as she begins to undo my buttons, one by one. I hold my breath in anticipation of what's to come.
"Em, you won't believe the day that I had," Hanna burst through the door.
She stops mid sentence when she realizes the compromising position she's found Paige and I in. Someone please just kill me now.
"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" she asks with an all too pleased look on her face.
Paige is burning a bright red from embarrassment. I'm burning too, but it's all together for a different reason.
"Maybe I should get going," Paige says.
"No, you don't have to go," Hanna interjects.
"Yes I do. It's late. And I have that thing tomorrow. And yeah," Paige rattles off.
She swiftly gets off of my bed and gathers her things. I'm shooting daggers at Hanna from across the room. She's all too amused to care that I wish I could melt her with my eyes. Paige comes back to my side of the room to say her goodbyes.
"I'll call you later, Em."
"Ok sweetie. I love you."
"Love you too."
She leans over and places a chaste kiss on my lips.
"Bye Hanna."
"Bye sweetie. I love you," Hanna parrots.
As soon as the door closes, she turns back to face me.
"Nice bra," she comments.
I flip her the bird and she collapses on her bed in a fit of giggles.
"You do know that you have thee worst timing in the history of the planet earth, right?" I accuse.
"You do know that if you're planning to bone your girlfriend that she has a big empty apartment you could do that in right?" she counters.
"I wasn't planning on doing anything. It just sort of happened," I explain.
"So she's gotten over her uncertainty?"
"Not necessarily. We talked and I do have a better understanding of why she's hesitant."
"So what are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing I can do really. All I can do is honor her wishes and be patient, as taxing as that might be."
"I respect you for that, but there's no reason that just because you're waiting that she shouldn't suffer a little too," Hanna proposes.
"What are you suggesting?"
"I'm saying that our lovely Paige is confident as the day is long, but when it comes to you, she's a shrinking violet. Help give her a push in the right direction by keeping it ever present in the forefront of her mind what's waiting for her when she does give in."
"I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring her into anything," I say.
"As far as you can tell, she wants to as bad as you do right?"
"Yes. It's more of a mental thing she's dealing with. It's definitely not from lacking the desire to be intimate," I explain.
"Then it won't be pressuring her. Just think of it as a gentle reminder."
I fidget with the blanket on my bed while I think about her words. I don't know how I feel about being the sexual aggressor. All I've ever dated is boys and they were always more than willing to jump my bones. Even when I was hanging out with Naya, she was always the one ready to get more physical. I don't even know where to begin in seducing the panties off of my lovely lady...