Thanks for all the kind comments! So this chapter actually is a prequel, happening before the previous two, and going more into Levi's background in the Corps. The more I think about the 'verse the more I want to fill in some holes... I've already had people asking about how he discovered the wings / the scene where Erwin discovers, so I'll probably write something for that next ^^
No real anime/manga spoilers in this one, though it's also not really the happiest story...
"I look ridiculous," Levi said again. He had mentioned this fact five times in the last five minutes, and neither Erwin nor Hange were taking him seriously. Hange kept on fussing with the buckles on his harness, as if there was some way to make a week's worth of food and ten litres of water both aerodynamic and comfortable.
She had obviously gone for aerodynamic, because it felt like he was wearing a burlap sack full of potatoes. He decided to change his tactic.
"You realize if I'm attacked there's no way I can do anything. There isn't even any point in taking the blades. Look," he tried to lower his hand to where they were strapped to his hips, and could barely brush his fingertips along them. The bulk of stuff around his stomach got in the way. "I look like I have a paunch," he muttered.
"You look as fit as ever. I will remind you that the purpose of this mission is to avoid titans," Erwin said, because Erwin had no sense of humor. "By flying as far above them as you possibly can. Though, perhaps you should take note of whether your current getup will distract them and thus give you an advantage in battle. I'm sure Hange would love to know."
Correction, Erwin had a shitty sense of humor. Levi shot him a dirty look, and got a bland smile in response.
"Definitely!" Hange said. "But I'll have you know that this is brilliant. Look, I set it up so you can drink midair, and even replace the empty water skins with full ones – and here," she tugged on one of the flaps of a pouch near his belly, "I've got you set up for a whole days' rations so you can eat in flight."
"Great," Levi said. "And if I need to piss?"
There was a moment of silence.
"It's not like there are people out there!" Hange said brightly. "Birds have no problem excreting mid-flight-"
"Ew, Hange. Forget it, I'll manage."
"And tell me all about it later!" She was back to being chipper.
Erwin cleared his throat, pretending he wasn't amused by them. Levi could see the smile he was fighting. "Remember, I want you to fly out no more than three days. This is purely reconnaissance. Try to get further than we've managed to go on horseback – but that shouldn't be too difficult for you. Ration carefully. Map to the best of your ability."
Yeah, yeah. Nothing different from the previous briefings Levi had gotten. Erwin was obviously taking this trip very hard.
"No unnecessary risks," Erwin added. "I want you back safely."
Levi nodded.
"Aww," Hange said, obnoxious as usual.
Looked like Levi was as ready as he would ever be. He stepped away from them, pulled out a pocketknife, and had to remind himself that it was okay, Erwin and Hange knew his secret. For so many years he hadn't transformed in front of anybody else, he felt exposed doing it now.
Decisively, he slashed the knife across his palm in a shallow cut, and released a breath as the wings exploded from his back. No matter how much he tried, he could never keep his eyes open for that first second, like how it's impossible to keep eyes open while sneezing. The wings should be heavy, he knew, their sheer size dwarfing him easily (not that it was too difficult… dammit). Walking carrying that weight should be a physical impossibility, but somehow he always felt lighter with the wings out, as if he could just float away any instant. He gave each one an experimental flap, shaking out their kinks. A part of his mind tickled to life, as if it had always been there, as if controlling two huge extra limbs was the most natural thing in the world.
He opened his eyes – and nearly jerked backwards in surprise. Hange's face was centimeters from his, curious eyes peering into his own.
"Amazing!" she said. "Your eyes really are different – there's some kind of film covering them, it's better than goggles! Do you notice that your eyesight improves, too? Oh!" She suddenly clapped in front of his eyes, then crowed with delight. "You're not even blinking, even though your eyelids are still there! So awesome!"
Levi shifted away. He didn't like all the reminders of how different he truly was. Most people considered his wings attractive, but his unblinking stare was another story. Of course he could close his eyes, but it wasn't instinctive in the way blinking was.
"Are you ready to go?" Erwin's voice drew his attention. Of course Erwin wasn't fawning over him the way Hange was, but Levi could see his hands twitching. Erwin wanted to touch his wings. Did people not register that they were part of him? They didn't go around petting people's arms now, did they?
"Yes, sir," Levi said, and had to quash a sudden, familiar flare of resentment. The wings were his, his freedom, how dare Erwin take possession of them? He had mostly-willingly pledged his life, the skills Erwin had trained into him, but how dare Erwin commandeer his wings?He might have lived in terror of discovery before, but at least they belonged to him alone, and the choice when and how to use them was nobody else's.
Once again, Levi wished bitterly he had never revealed himself, recalled the first days in the Corps when he would sneak away to take to the skies, with nobody the wiser. If only it hadn't been Erwin's life on the line—
Levi swallowed, returned to the present. He bundled up the anger, the resentment, that wild part of him that only came out when he released his wings, and pushed it deep into his soul, leaving nothing but the obedient soldier he was.
He brushed past Erwin while walking towards the edge of the wall – and yeah, Erwin copped a feel of his right wing as he passed by. The sun was on his right, not yet peeking over the horizon, the sky a washed-out mess of the blues and pinks of predawn. Ahead of him was endless, open sky. His heart sped up, beating a rapid tattoo against his chest.
Erwin was speaking, but Levi hardly noticed, he could think of nothing but the sky ahead. He spread his wings and leapt, catching the air easily, taking only a few strokes to rise high above the earth. The air was cool and comfortable, the sun warm on the side of his face. Beneath him the ground rushed by, trees shrinking, titans becoming insignificant.
Titans… he made a sound of annoyance and raised his head, towards the horizon where he wouldn't have to look at them, and only then remembered that he hadn't looked back at the walls even once.
Whatever. At the moment, what lay ahead was far more interesting than what lay behind… he beat his wings and caught an updraft, and – ah, there it was, a nice current in the right direction. He locked his wings in a soar, thankful his body was capable of it, and settled down for a long flight.
Since flying demanded about as much concentration as walking (that is, very little), Levi watched the scenery and let his thoughts roam. Erwin wanted reconnaissance, but the true meaning of this exercise was much deeper. Levi was going to go further from the walls than any human had been in a hundred years. Aside from general mapping, the question that burned the most was what was out there. Were there more walls? More pockets of humanity? Was there some place free of titans?
For Levi, the questions were different: since there were obviously no others like him within the walls, might his answer be found outside them? Who was he? Where had he come from?
A strange, bubbly feeling kept squirming around inside of him, building up energy that had nowhere to go. He wanted to shout, he wanted to fly as fast as he could, wanted to dive – well, why not? Yeah, it was a waste of energy, but Erwin wasn't here to complain, was he?
Levi folded his wings and fell, wind screaming past, then pulled up just before the ground and arched back up into the sky with a cry of triumph. The hell was wrong with him? He hadn't felt like this in… in…
It was like the determination to learn something new, some kind of intense curiosity, only he felt… happy at the same time. So weird.
Levi soared higher. He was following a huge river now – there was a waterfall, tiny rainbows visible even from up here, and the river was winding its way into a huge forest, bigger than anything he had ever seen before, stretching off in all directions. Mountains, rivers, forests – they had those inside the walls, but that – that huge… pond, it was probably the size of Sina! And there, on its edge – the ruins of a city!
Excitement, Levi thought. That's what he was feeling.
Every time he was outside, Erwin found himself watching the sky. He tried to be subtle about it, keeping the glances short and seemingly casual, but had the feeling he wasn't doing a terribly good job. He could tell, because he started seeing other soldiers doing it as well – the ones who knew the secret. It was obvious that Erwin was expecting something from the sky, and by now everybody had heard that Levi was off on some assignment. It didn't take a genius to connect the two, if you had the missing piece.
Eight days. Eight days had passed, when Levi was supposed to return after six. Erwin told himself that it was normal. How many expeditions returned within their prescribed time? Delay was inevitable, natural. Nothing ever went as planned. Horses went lame, titans attacked-
Only Levi had no horse, and was supposed to stay away from titans, and how often did he send a single soldier out alone with no backup? But out of all the expeditions Erwin had planned, this one was supposed to be reasonably safe, unless Levi had encountered unexpected trouble along the way. Erwin had a sudden vision of Levi lying crumpled on the ground, burning with fever, limbs broken – he shook his head to clear it. He was the commander of the Survey Corps. He was beyond this sort of thing.
Levi was just two days late. Two days was nothing, in the long run, and he wouldn't appreciate Erwin driving himself to distraction with imaginary scenarios of horror.
Nonetheless, Erwin doubled the guards on the garrison's northern face, making sure there were watchers every hour of the day.
Two days had become two weeks, and not a hide, hair, or feather of Levi. For a week now Erwin had been putting off an expedition back into Wall Maria territory, an expedition he had intended his prize soldier to be on. He had gone without Levi before, but never unplanned, never forced by circumstance. For that matter, he had had plans for a small foray of select soldiers with Levi doing titan-lookout from the sky, which would have to be cancelled.
Erwin didn't like cancelling plans. He especially didn't like that Levi should be here, but wasn't. He frowned down at the papers in front of him, a haphazard pile of maps and reports, in some places piled ten deep. His desk was a mess.
Levi hadn't harped on him to clean it in three weeks now.
Feeling a pang somewhere in his chest he started setting things straight – not because of Levi, he told himself, but because it was a disgrace to have his desk look like the aftermath of a battlefield.
He could almost hear Levi's derisive voice in his head – battlefield? Don't flatter yourself, this barely qualifies as a midden heap.
From his desk, Erwin moved on to the rest of the room. He straightened the small sofa and brushed the crumbs off of it, swept the floor, but gave up on shaking out the carpet. Levi wasn't here to complain about a job badly done.
For the first time, he forced himself to consider rationally that Levi might not be coming back. He wouldn't be the first soldier to do so, so why was the thought so… unpalatable? Was it because this shouldn't have been a lethal mission and Erwin hated making mistakes like that? He might send his scouts to their deaths, but he always knew he was doing it. To lose people unexpectedly showed lack of foresight, lack of regard for their lives. To have done that to Levi, of all people…
Was it that he felt possessive towards Levi, more than any other soldier, having worked so hard to coerce him into the Corps? Levi was his special project, his best soldier, and Erwin even took a small bit of credit for choices excellently made when he discovered Levi's hidden abilities.
Erwin sat down slowly, resting his chin on one hand. Ever since his secret had come out, Levi had opened up. He was still taciturn, but a far cry from the silent loner who had first joined the force. Erwin had enjoyed the bursts of emotion, the way he was slowly unraveling who Levi actually was, worming his way past Levi's defenses.
Levi had been –
Erwin's thoughts stopped cold. He wasn't going to think of Levi in past tense. Not yet. It had only been three weeks; Levi would yell at him if he found out that Erwin had given up on him so quickly.
He stood up and went back to his desk, pulling the plans for the upcoming mission to him with renewed vigor. The Corps would manage a mission without their strongest. Levi would return. Somebody would have to be put in charge of cleaning the barracks in the meantime, if Erwin didn't want to be greeted by an endless stream of complaints when that happened.
It was just a matter of time.
Two missions passed, six weeks came and went, and the questions were multiplying. Everybody noticed that Levi was gone, by now. Nobody had gone so far as to accost him, yet, but every so often he would meet Hange's reproachful eyes. Not just her, nowadays. Mike was giving him stoically sad looks, and he could hear the whispers in the hallway.
But what could he do? He couldn't send anybody to look for him. They wouldn't even know where to start. Even if he got on a horse and rode northward – how far had Levi even gotten? How far would he get before he succumbed to titans? Levi could be anywhere.
Even now, Erwin was standing on the north facing ramparts, watching the sun sink, eyes on the sky, straining for a glimpse of wings larger than any bird's. It had been six weeks. How much longer could he continue to deny the truth? He would have told anybody else to give up on false hope long ago; he should do no less.
Levi's not coming back, he told himself, rolling the words through his mind, through his heart. The words were painfully easy to accept, but awoke emotions he wasn't prepared for.
What had gone wrong? Why had Levi vanished? What horror out there could possibly be enough to vanquish his best, his strongest soldier? Could he have anticipated this, was there something he hadn't done, some defense he hadn't provided?
Every expedition, he gazed over his troops and knew that many would not return, steeled his heart for the inevitable. He hadn't this time, had truly believed Levi would return safe and sound. If Levi could fly away from lost battlefields and carnage, why hadn't he returned now?
He had wasted Levi's life on a fool's errand, and gained nothing. It wasn't the first time; it wouldn't be the last. But he had always believed fate had something more in store for Levi.
He had hoped to one day die in Levi's arms, to entrust his own wishes to the Corps' personal angel of vengeance.
Having deprived Levi of his life, it wasn't fair to deprive him of the grief he was due from his friends. Erwin's fingers tightened on the cold stone, and he whispered his apology. Had I known you would not return, this is a mission I would not have sent you on. I would rather still have you by my side.
Erwin allowed himself one last glance at the sky then deliberately turned his back. He would not return to the northern ramparts.
The mess hall was startlingly loud after the silence outside. Erwin considered keeping his announcement for the end of the meal, but after a few short bites realized he had no stomach for food anyway. He pushed the mystery meat around his plate for a few minutes, then stood up.
Silence spread in ripples, even though Erwin had done nothing but stand in his place. Lifting his head took effort, but he straightened his back, hands locked behind him.
"As many of you are aware," he began, "Squad Leader Levi has not been on base recently. Six weeks ago I sent him on a mission uniquely suited to his skills. He was supposed to have returned five weeks ago." Erwin lost his voice, then, realizing how transparent, how truly pathetic he was. He had waited five weeks hoping for Levi's return, avoiding this announcement which would make his fears reality. He wouldn't have done this for any other soldier, and every single one of them knew it. Still, he plunged on. "From now on, Squad Leader Levi will officially be declared missing, presumed dead." Despite his attempts, his voice wavered on the last word. "He was the best of us all. He will be sorely missed. You may open as many casks of beer as you want."
Erwin found his throat dry and realized he had nothing more to say. Avoiding meeting anybody's eyes, he strode out of the mess hall, escaping the rustle of voices gaining volume. It was irregular, allowing alcohol for the death of only one soldier, but Levi wasn't just one. He was worth over a hundred of his fellows, had carried the hopes of victory on his shoulders. He deserved nothing less.
With no purpose or direction he wandered the halls until his feet brought him to a stop in front of the room Levi had shared with Mike. Without thinking, Erwin entered, his eyes immediately drawn to the neat, reserved side of the room that had been Levi's. Not a thing was out of place, his sparse personal effects all ordered neatly, bed made. Everything was covered with a fine film of dust that showed some signs of halfhearted cleaning – Mike must have tried to do something about it.
Erwin sat down on the bed, marring the sheets, but it didn't matter, because Levi would never complain about it again. Erwin's shadow was gone forever, with his nagging, his cursing, his godawful sense of humor, his beauty in battle. His wings.
A creak from the doorway registered at the back of his mind, but he didn't look up, not when he heard murmurs or the sounds of feet shuffling into the room, not until somebody pressed a large mug of beer into his hand.
Erwin accepted it from Mike, and looked up to find Hange close behind him. More people were filling the small room, Levi's squadmates, his hard-won friends. Automatically, Erwin's mind catalogued them as People Who Knew, every single one.
They started talking, sharing stories and memories. To be honest, Erwin hadn't known about half of them, hadn't known that so many held Levipersonally in such high regard, beyond his fame as humanity's strongest soldier. Another thing to torment his conscience with: allowing Levi to die alone, after he had finally found a place he belonged and people who accepted him unreservedly.
By the time his turn came along Erwin found that he had drained his mug without even noticing.
"On the day he left," Erwin began, having no idea where he was going with it, "he looked happy to be free to fly as far and as fast as he could. I never saw that expression on his face before. When he took to the sky, he didn't even look back at us. I think," he gulped, "I want to think that he found a place he doesn't want to return from. Given the freedom of the entire world, why would he cage himself in with us? Better he has chosen not to return."
And that, that was the most pathetic delusion of them all.
After every death, life continued. Erwin threw himself into work again, planning missions without Levi, perfecting the formation for movement within titan-infested territory that didn't rely on wings to lead them to safety.
Hange showed up every other day detailing wilder and wilder experiments, until the time she threw the papers to his office floor and burst into tears.
Mike came to his office occasionally, ostensibly to discuss maneuvers or training with him, but every single time he had something cutting to say about the state of disorder. Having lived with Levi, he obviously had heard the entire repertoire. Erwin wanted to beg him to stop, but couldn't bring himself to.
The three of them spent an evening packing up Levi's personal items, of which there were hardly enough to fill even one small box. A few knives, a smooth rock whose significance he didn't know, several pens of higher quality than the military issued, a pair of garnet cufflinks Erwin had never seen him wear, other odds and ends. By rights perhaps they should have divided it between them, but in the end they packed everything away and sealed the box. Part of Levi's maneuver gear would remain missing, since he had taken his blades with him.
What Erwin would have wanted, would have been willing to fight the others over, was a black feather. But Levi had left none behind.
Erwin was out of bed and pulling on his pants before he even registered that he was awake. Shouts echoed in the corridors over the rapid pounding of feet, and he jerked his door open almost before the breathless scout outside had a chance to bang more than once.
"Sir! We're under attack! On the roof of the western wing-"
He started running in that direction, the soldier pacing him while gasping out his message.
"Something came flying at us-"
Erwin's heart was suddenly doing double time, and he could hardly breathe for hope. West and not north, but surely only one thing would come flying.
"We shot it down, but you have to see it sir-"
Erwin lost a step, nearly fell. "You WHAT?" he roared, and was sprinting even faster, heedless of the pain of stone on his bare feet, of the mayhem in the corridors.
They had shot him down.
People were shouting but he didn't register anything, if he answered he didn't know it, language reduced to meaningless babble. He dodged around corners, pounded up stairs, and nearly bowled over somebody blocking the doorway out. The roof was lit with torches, most of them in the hands of soldiers who had gathered, musket-armed guards standing pointing their guns at-
"Levi," he groaned, his steps slowing. In the center of the ring of torchlight was a bloody heap, great black wings crumpled, the human attached to them hardly visible. Blood pooled everywhere, spreading out from under the wings, from under the head of dark hair, so much blood.
Levi had returned, to- to- If he lost Levi again—
Erwin knelt by his side, and there was movement, Levi was still alive, still breathing. Maybe by some miracle they had only hit his wings—
"Help me turn him over!" he shouted hoarsely, pulling futilely at the huge wings. They were light enough to lift easily, but he didn't want to risk doing more damage by moving them on his own. As it was something about their angle was off. Quick hands entered and left his field of vision, pulling the wings to the side so Levi's body was exposed, lying on his side, wings splayed out behind him. Several raw, gaping holes in them still bled heavily, steam rising from them sluggishly.
"Levi?"
His only answer was a groan. Levi's face was sunken, eyes bruised above prominent cheekbones that were dark with a scraggly beard. Erwin's eyes were drawn to the right side of his chest, where a thin trail of steam did nothing to obscure the growing stain of blood. A soft wet bubbling sound reached his ears, the sound of air escaping a punctured lung. Erwin pressed his hand against it, hoping it would be enough; he couldn't see Levi's back with the wings in the way, couldn't tell if the bullet had gone through or was still lodged somewhere in his chest.
"Get a doctor!" he shouted, in case it wasn't clear to everybody they needed a doctor ten minutes ago. Erwin's hands were slick with blood, but he didn't dare move them, focusing on nothing but keeping the hole in Levi's chest closed, keeping him breathing. How long Levi would survive with these wounds was a question Erwin didn't want to consider right now.
"Levi, look at me. Look at my face. Wake up, Levi, I need you to wake up." With his other hand, he tapped Levi's unwounded cheek with gentle insistence until Levi's eyes rolled open. They were unfocused, didn't track when Erwin moved fingers in front of them, but the light wasn't good enough to see if the pupils were dilated or not. If he had hit his head, on top of everything…
"Erwin." Mike was beside him, fully dressed and equipped. Erwin's eyes fell on the blades of his maneuver gear.
"Press the wound," he ordered. "I'm taking your blades."
Mike understood the situation immediately. His hand replaced Erwin's on Levi's chest, steadying him with the other, while Erwin drew his blade. He stepped over Levi carefully and stretched out one wing, gripping the muscle, and swung the blade down to sever it. He was prepared for the resistance of slicing flesh, but not for the scream that burst out of Levi's throat.
Erwin had been the one to chop off Levi's wings countless times, and Levi hadn't ever made a sound. Some part of him had always assumed that it didn't hurt much.
Still, the wings had to go if they wanted to treat him. The left wing was already dissolving into steam, its smell reminiscent of rotting titan, and Erwin leaned over to give similar treatment to the right one. Levi screamed again and then stilled, tiny against the size of the bloodstains around him. With the wing's evaporation a bullet fell to the ground, its exit wound visible on Levi's back. Mike immediately pulled Levi upright, pressing his other hand to the wound. Levi whimpered, and now Erwin could see that his right arm was hanging oddly, probably broken.
Where was the doctor?
Though it felt like an eternity in reality a bare few minutes had passed since Erwin had shown up. He glanced towards the door, and remembered that they were surrounded by soldiers – at least twenty, probably more, and the way people had been running through the halls shouting probably half the base had heard some garbled story about Levi and wings by now.
He could easily tell who the culprits in charge of Levi's current condition were. They clutched their rifles in death grips, identical looks of horror on their faces. Logically Erwin knew they weren't to be blamed, but at the moment, he was tempted to throw every single one of them off the Wall.
More running footsteps heralded the doctor, jacket thrown on over her pajamas, medkit clutched in one hand (Gert, his mind supplied). Next to Mike she was almost as small as Levi, but elbowed him easily out of the way to get at her patient. She hesitated one telling moment at the sight of Levi's wounds, giving her head the slightest shake, before she began pulling out lengths of fabric and leather patches, wrapping them around Levi's torso with grim speed. Erwin helped, holding him upright, watching her face intently. She didn't need to say anything. Lung wounds were not usually survivable.
"Mike!" Erwin barked, not removing his eyes from Levi's face, which had returned to slack unconsciousness, "damage control!"
Erwin listened to Mike with half an ear, who was now gathering all the soldiers and scaring them into silent submission, but most of his attention remained on Levi. He helped Gert immobilize Levi's right hand and strap it to his stomach. She sat back with a sigh.
"That'll hold for now. We need to get him inside and clean out his wounds."
Erwin hefted Levi, lighter than he remembered, one arm behind his back and one under his knees. It was impossible to keep from pressing against his back, and Levi shuddered and whimpered. "My quarters," Erwin said, and headed indoors.
Levi was jolted awake a few times during the walk, and once mumbled some nonsense words. Erwin answered him anyway, keeping up a running litany of soft encouragement, telling him to hold on just a bit more, he was safe now. Erwin would protect him.
Aside from the obvious desire to keep Levi under watch, Erwin's rooms had the advantage of privacy and space, in case Levi's wings showed up again. It was a good call, because when the doctor undid his bandages in the light, to try and get a better idea of the extent of the damage (bad: the hole was large and ragged, worse than it had seemed in the comparative darkness of the roof), the wings suddenly appeared once more.
To her credit, though Gert hadn't known to expect them, she refrained from screaming or showing any untoward emotion. She didn't even react when Erwin went to chop the wings off again.
Levi reacted, struggling, breathing something that sounded like lo lo lo. He subsided when the wings dissolved, even paler than before, a sheen of sweat on his forehead. Erwin tightened his lips. The wings were stealing Levi's energy, robbing him of the precious strength he needed if there was any hope of recovery.
Gert went back to her job, using tweezers to carefully extract the fabric that the bullet had pushed into the wound. Of course, Erwin didn't need to be told that it was almost impossible to remove everything, impossible to truly clean the wound, and Levi would probably die of infection within days.
Levi's only hope was his healing ability, which was somehow connected to his wings. A few times Erwin had seen Levi recover from minor wounds more quickly than he should have, though nothing this serious.
"There." Gert sat back, tying the last of his bandages. "That's what I can do for him. I'll come in later to change his bandages. He's got a concussion, so it would be good to try and wake him every so often, or he could slip into a coma. I'm not sure if you'll manage to wake him, though."
"Can you give him something for the pain, at least?"
"I can give him something," she said. "Not much, or he might stop breathing, with his concussion."
Anything was better than nothing. Erwin watched as she measured out a small dose – too small, to his eyes, who had seen his share of drugged soldiers. Levi whimpered a little but swallowed, then fell back against the pile of pillows behind him. He shifted and winced a few times, unable to find a comfortable angle, then gave up and stopped moving, staring into space.
Gert stood up and stretched, yawning, and Erwin had to tamp down fury at her nonchalance. "That's all I can do for now, sir. I'll come immediately if anything changes."
"Thank you. Dismissed." There was nothing to be angry over, Erwin thought. She needed her rest. She had done her job. There was nothing more she could do for Levi at this point.
Erwin pulled a chair over to the bed. It gave an almighty screech when the legs dragged against the floor, so he lifted it up and set it down gently where he could sit and keep watch. Levi's eyelids drooped, his head lolled. It appeared he would be able to drift into some semblance of sleep – when his wings appeared yet again, pitching his body forward, dragging a pained moan from his throat. Erwin caught him by the shoulders, trying not to jolt him more than necessary.
"Sorry," he whispered in Levi's ear, then shoved a corner of the blanket into his mouth, securing it with his arm, while he drew a blade with his other hand. Levi choked against the fabric and gave a feeble struggle, wings shedding feathers while Erwin hacked inelegantly at them. It seemed to take longer, this time, but at least what little screaming there was remained muffled.
Finally the wings were dissolving, and Erwin gently released Levi's head, drawing him to lean back against the pillows. He pulled the makeshift gag away, using the edge to wipe saliva from the sides of Levi's mouth, murmuring apologies that Levi didn't seem to hear.
His eyes weren't focusing anymore, and his mouth remained half-open when Erwin left it. His skin in the light of the lamps was sallow and contrasted too sharply with the bruises under his eyes and his dark hair.
"Levi," Erwin said, reluctant to remove his fingers from Levi's rough jaw. "Levi, you can't die now, do you understand me? I thought you were dead, before. Do you know how foolishly I mourned you? I need to hear your report. I need to know what kept you away, what hurt you. I want you to beat sense into the soldiers who shot you. They will be so happy to know they failed to kill you. I apologize, Levi. I should have told them not to shoot at the sky."
He watched Levi's face for a hint of a reply, then chuckled and looked away, dropping his hand.
"I would feel less foolish now if you would just answer me."
There was a noise from behind the door and Erwin composed himself, wiping his face clear of whatever expression had inhabited it. He was unsurprised to see Mike enter the room.
"I told them the bare minimum," Mike said, ostensibly to Erwin, but his eyes were sliding over Levi's still form. "I instructed them to keep quiet, spread no rumors, and to inform everyone that the flying was an exaggeration. Levi climbed up the wall and was shot by the guards."
Erwin nodded. "I want a list of those in the know by tomorrow. In addition, please take note of anybody with strong ties to other branches of the military or the nobility, those with a propensity for gossip, and those who cannot hold their liquor."
If necessary, those soldiers would find themselves on a mission shortly.
"How's Levi?" Instead of leaving, Mike circled around to search out some sheets of paper and a pen, clearly intending to fulfill Erwin's request right here. Erwin was of half a mind to send him away, worried about the rumors spreading unchecked. But if Levi didn't survive the night, and he kept Mike away, Mike might never forgive him.
"The bullet went through his lung," Erwin said. No change from earlier.
Mike circled the room, then finally went to sit down on the floor, back propped against Erwin's bed, paper against his folded knees. His handwriting would doubtlessly be atrocious. Silence descended between them, heavy and waiting, amplifying the sound of Mike's scratching pen which was somehow louder than Levi's labored breaths. Erwin found himself breathing shallowly, holding his breath until he heard Levi take another one, synchronizing himself as if it would make a difference.
When he realized what he was doing, he forced himself to stop. Was it time to wake Levi up, yet? He couldn't say Levi looked like he was resting peacefully, but he wasn't really awake either, and Erwin ached when he considered that Levi hadn't yet said a single word, and might never speak again.
Erwin leaned forward, talking to Levi again, telling him to wake up, just wake up for a moment and then he could go back to sleep, wake up Levi.
Levi's eyelids fluttered, making Erwin's breath catch and on the floor Mike's pen stilled. He opened dull, sunken grey eyes, looking towards Erwin and just a bit through him, chapped lips pressing together in a brief swallow.
For a brief moment it seemed like Levi would talk – then he made a sound, and his entire body jerked again, the wings tearing out of his back for the fourth time that night. Erwin jerked back, nearly knocking over his chair, and Mike jumped to his feet swearing.
"Not again," Erwin hissed, glaring at the dark appendages in annoyance. But something was off about them, he realized immediately. Bare patches peeked through where feathers should be, and some spun pitifully to the floor as they watched. Instead of their normal imposing mass, the wings seemed smaller, thinner, almost skeletal – like Levi, whose cheeks had sunken in, eyes shut, entire body sucked dry by the effort of materializing his wings.
At this rate Levi wouldn't even last the night. Erwin went for his blade, and found Mike's hand on his wrist, stopping him.
"Commander," Mike said. "Are you sure that's the solution?"
"He always tells us to cut them off," Erwin replied, thinking distantly that his voice was rougher than usual, it was strange, there was no reason to lose his composure. "Levi's human, Mike, those wings are sapping his strength – look at him, they're eating him up. Let go of me."
Mike was undecided, and Erwin was this close to lashing out when the door opened on Hange.
"What are you doing?" she asked, the sight of the two of them evidently enough to draw her attention from Levi. "Erwin, what are you doing?"
"The wings have to come off," he said. "I keep cutting them off and they keep coming back."
Hange closed the door quietly behind her and frowned. "For the longest time," she said. "I've hypothesized that Levi isn't a human who can grow wings, but a winged person who can masquerade as a human. I'd never tell him this, of course. It would break his heart."
It made Erwin's heart twinge, that thought. Levi must never know. He might leave and not return, and then where would the Corps be?
"Commander, if you continue to chop off his wings, he will drain himself dry in the attempt to rematerialize them. We need to let him heal."
Erwin let Mike remove his blades from nerveless fingers, eyes finding Levi once more. Four times now he had forced Levi to regrow his wings, if Hange was to be believed. If Levi died now it would be on his own head, not his hapless scouts.
"Erwin," Mike said, far off, "we didn't know. Don't blame yourself."
"Of course not," Erwin said distantly, imagining his voice sounded normal. He had made too many errors in judgment concerning Levi and his wings, he thought. He, who had promised to use Levi's life wisely.
He sat back down on the chair by Levi's bed, pulling it around the limp wing that dragged on the floor, carefully brushing fallen feathers out of the way. Hange and Mike arranged themselves around Levi as well, Mike returning to his spot on the floor, while Hange folded her legs and settled at the foot of the bed.
They had sat vigils together before, in the days after the Wall fell, when half the wounded who returned from the expeditions died a few days later from blood loss and infection. Their fellow trainees had all died by now, but for those who had chosen the Military Police or the Garrison. The four of them had weathered deaths in battle and after; it was wrong that they should be holding vigil for Levi of all people, whom all of them had expected to be the last to go.
"Levi, you stupid lunk," Hange said. "Don't you dare die. You ruined the harness I made for you. All my hard work down the drain. How did you even manage that?"
"You messed up Erwin's room," Mike said. "Feathers everywhere. I can't believe you."
"One little hole in your chest and you're down like a sack of potatoes, you call yourself Humanity's Strongest? You should know that the betting pool says that even if you lost both your legs and an arm you'd still bring down a titan before you went." Hange paused. "I have money riding on it too, you hear, so don't you dare fuck that up for me."
"Erwin," Mike prompted, nudging him until Erwin's eyes dropped to him. "Say something."
It felt like somewhere in the past few years Erwin had forgotten how to tell the dark jokes, how to reach out to others when everything was bleak. He sent so many soldiers to their deaths; it was easier to just freeze himself, not open the raw wound.
"If you die in my bed, Levi," he said, drawing from the place inside him where pain was still bright and sharp, "where will I sleep? I'd have to move into your quarters, and I don't fancy sharing with Mike. He snores terribly."
"I've gotten better about it," Mike grumbled. "Little asshole throws shoes at me when I wake him up at night."
Dawn was graying outside the window when they woke Levi next. Levi babbled a bit in that strange language of his, harsh and guttural, his tone complaining. The drugs were clearly wearing off, as he broke off to whimper, tossing his head from side to side, and had to be held down to keep from aggravating the wound. Hange tried to make him drink, mostly unsuccessfully. He let it dribble down his chin, dripping onto his neck and collarbone.
At the cold wetness Levi was temporarily lucid, giving them all a look of abject misery and shifting as if trying to get away from his own skin. Erwin mopped him up with one of his shirts and Levi quieted. A lot of drama with little results to show for it, but-
"Look at his wings," Hange said. They looked fuller, healthier. The bald patches were shrinking, visible steam coming from them and rising from his chest.
The sun was already visible somewhere in the eastern sky when Erwin sat back and exchanged a look with Mike and Hange. They had made it through the night, and Levi was still breathing, even looking a bit better than he had before. He might just make it.
When Gert came in to change his bandages, it was clear that they would have to go and take care of their own business. There were other soldiers that needed attention.
Still, the three of them waited, watching as she changed his bandages, cutting away what she could and leaving the parts trapped under the wings alone. It would be better to remove the patch, she said, but as long as they were worried about the damage that regrowing his wings again might do, it was better to leave things be. If he hadn't died yet, he might not.
His arm, on the other hand, appeared to be healing reasonably well. The break had been clean and quickly splinted, and right now was the least of their worries.
Levi sobbed a few times, tried to bat the prodding hands away. When he used his hand it wasn't a problem, but when he started flailing around with his wings Mike and Erwin had to hold him down. Even emaciated, the wings were far stronger than Erwin had anticipated – he had touched them upon occasion, but never considered the type of muscle necessary to hold Levi aloft.
Before she left, Gert gave Levi some more painkillers. It was a relief to see him slump back on the pillows, the almost-constant whimpering that had been trapped in his throat for hours relaxing to less acute discomfort.
They set a rotation for spending time with Levi – Hange, to be replaced by Erwin, with Mike taking the evening shift, assuming they would reassemble at night. Hoping that nothing would go wrong during the day, and Levi would continue to improve.
Erwin exited the island of silence that was his room into total bedlam. Not a single person hadn't heard of Levi's return during the night, and rumours had spread like wildfire. Erwin kept an ear out, and the more he heard, the more he wanted to burst with pride. Yes, people were saying that Levi had come flying in on black wings, but the soldiers in the know were doing an excellent job of redirecting. He heard Petra, one of the recent graduates but evidently with a good head on her shoulders telling everyone with enthusiasm that she'd heard Levi had come riding in on a titan, and several others put forth comparably ridiculous theories – that Levi had been on the back of a giant bird, that the guards had seen a huge vulture and pissed themselves in fear just when Levi showed up, that the Angel of Death had come carrying Levi on his shoulders and gifted Levi with his scythe before leaving.
Despite the gnawing worry, it was enough to bring a smile to Erwin's face. He couldn't wait until Levi heard all the stories; Levi would get sohuffy. If his wings were out he'd fluff them up, which made him look more adorable than scary, not that Erwin would ever tell him.
Putting Levi back on active duty was going to be a pain, probably drag all sorts of annoying inquiries. Where had Levi gone, why had they assumed him dead, what was the nature of this special mission – it was going to demand a lot of creative lying on Erwin's part. Erwin felt a lightness in his step, anticipation. Next mission, Levi would be by his side once more.
Midday, when Erwin took his turn watching Levi, he was relieved to see that he was indeed improving. Some color was back in his hollow face, and he seemed to be sleeping more peacefully. The bald patches had completely vanished from his wings, which were glossy and healthy-looking once more.
Was he well enough to talk yet? "Levi, wake up, I brought you some lunch. It'll help you regain your strength."
Levi grumbled and opened his eyes, awake, but not seeming particularly lucid. The impression was reinforced when he gave a disturbing little giggle. Gert must have given him a heavier dose of medication – meaning that Levi was more comfortable now, but also he was ridiculous and it would be impossible to get anything out of him until it wore off.
Even so, Erwin managed to feed him some of the meat stew with a minimum of mess and made sure to wipe him down afterwards. Levi was asleep again almost immediately.
The three of them spent a second night by Levi's bedside, this time a bit more prepared. Hange and Mike brought blankets and bedded down on the floor. Erwin had protested that it wasn't necessary, it didn't look like Levi was in danger of dying now, even though he was still healing slowly and in a lot of pain. Hange replied that until Levi woke up they were going to hang around so Erwin decided to just let them do whatever they wanted.
He himself went to sleep in the chair next to Levi's bed. Wasn't the first time the chair had served that purpose, though Erwin dimly remembered it being less uncomfortable in the past. Either he needed to have the chair replaced or he was getting old for this sort of thing. Sleep came eventually, but it wasn't particularly deep or restful.
He was dragged towards wakefulness by a persistent voice accompanied by something batting repeatedly at his knee.
"I feel like shit. Erwin, get me some water. Erwin, get up and get me some water. What are you even here for if you're not going to do anything? Boy does your face look stupid when you're asleep, or maybe it's just the angle."
"Nngh?" Erwin woke up groggy, neck stiff, back stiff, everything was stiff – "Levi? Levi!" He straightened up too suddenly and started cursing at the horrible wrench he gave his neck, which now felt like it was being stabbed with small red-hot knives. He clutched at his neck with his hands, though the frantic rubbing didn't do much. Levi, damn him, was laughing and then curled up in pain when it jarred his lungs, now making little choked sounds of mirth in between gasps of pain. All the racket woke up Mike and Hange, who threw her arms around Levi, making him wheeze and yelp at her to watch it watch it owowow fuck while she sobbed into his shoulder.
"I suppose that's the end of the question of whether anybody's dying," said Mike. "Looks like you both are."
It took them all a few minutes to calm down. When they had settled back down, and Erwin had gotten Levi the water he wanted, he decided there was no reason to contain his curiosity any longer.
"Levi, what happened? It's been more than six weeks. We… we thought you might not be coming back."
Levi met his eyes, and something in his expression softened. "I'm not that easy to kill," he said. "Even though you sure tried, what the fuck was that?"
"The scouts responsible begged for latrine duty for the next two months in remorse. Now tell us. What did you discover? Where were you?"
Levi shifted, moved his wings, and tried to settle down more comfortably. "I did what you said, headed north. Made good time, took me less than a day to get into unmapped territory. Real pretty stuff out there, you know? There was this huge pond thing, that was linked to an even bigger pond thing. Also saw a huge waterfall, taller than Wall Maria. There was an abandoned city there, totally ruined. Really big buildings though, and everything out of this fancy stone. Nobody living. Found some chewed-up skeletons. There was a library, but it'd been torched."
(Here Hange gave a gasp of horror, and Levi shrugged apologetically at her, then winced)
"Kept going north. Saw some mountains, more ruins. I didn't see so many titans out there, much fewer than we get around the Walls. Probably because there are no people for them to eat. I hunted a bit to save on supplies. They've got these huge cat-things out there, they're vicious. One tried to jump me, but I gutted it."
Levi preened just a bit. Erwin wanted to tell him to get to the point already, but bit his tongue. There was no rush.
"I drew some maps along the way, too. But… I guess… I liked flying out there. I made good time, you know? I know you said to just go three days, but I thought, one more day wouldn't hurt, right? Maybe I'd find another city."
Ah, here come the complications. Erwin set his face into a stern expression, which Levi glanced at out of the corner of his eye, then pretended to have not noticed.
"I did find one. I got some books from there, too."
(Hange clapped in delight, then remembered that Levi had returned with no books on him at all)
"But that's where the problems started. This awful storm came up. Fucking bucketfuls just pouring out of the sky. I was worried I'd be late, though, so I tried to fly anyway."
Erwin resisted the urge to smack himself in the forehead.
"Yeah, okay, I was a fucking idiot. I figured that out myself. Eventually I just landed somewhere to wait it out. My maps got totally ruined by the wet, even though I double wrapped them, don't give me that look, Mike, I know how to waterproof shit. So I started heading back and I guess the storm blew me off course, 'cause I flew back south for four days and couldn't find the Walls. So I kept going for another day or two but stillcouldn't find 'em, and let me tell you, you go into that big-ass world and realize that our walls are fucking tiny. It's pathetic. So I tried to zigzag a bit, backtracking, 'cause I said maybe it's more to east or west but nope. Zip. My gut told me the storm had blown me west, so I tried going east, but turns out my gut is a fucking moron because that didn't get me anywhere. I decided to try and find that river, it was huge, should lead me back, right? Well I guess there's two of those big piss-streams, because I flew north on it and didn't get to any waterfalls."
Levi took a breath. Even though his tone was flippant, Erwin could see that he was strained, that it had scared him much worse than he was letting on.
"I ran out of food sometime then, and I was getting tired. Couldn't sleep well, I was always afraid of getting jumped by something. I've never had my flappers out for more than a few days at a time, either, and this was weeks. Everything hurt. Everything still hurts, actually, full body massages are welcome. That's around when I started jettisoning weight. I was afraid I'd be too tired to fly. Ditched the books, the straps, the water – and okay, that was a fucking bad idea as well, I ended up wasting loads of time searching for food and water. Eventually I just tried to skip meals as much as possible, figured I'd catch up when I got back. But I couldn't find the damn walls. Felt like forever."
Levi's voice trailed off and he looked towards the window, throat working. Erwin could see the exhaustion on his face clearly, and reached out to grip Levi's shoulder, to anchor him.
"One day I just stopped and stayed on a treetop the whole day. Couldn't bring myself to move, I just thought there was no point. I was sure I was going to die out there alone. Told myself you'd be pissed off at me, and the next day I managed to get myself going again. I think I went kind of crazy. There was nobody to talk to, I started yelling stuff at the sky. I think I hallucinated, too, but that might be from something I ate. Or maybe I was just imagining stuff. Thought I could hear your voice calling me, tried to follow it. Didn't work either."
Levi met Erwin's eyes, then, and his lips twitched a bit.
"Ah, whatever. Nothing interesting happened. Somehow I found the walls and came back and met your welcoming committee, and here we are. I didn't discover any humans. Didn't bring back any books. I want to sleep for a month. And if I never have to take a shit in the woods again it'll be too soon."
The tension released, and Erwin leaned back in his chair, belatedly removing his hand from Levi's shoulder. So that was it. No big tragedy, no attacks – Levi had simply gotten lost on the way back. Something so idiotic had almost kept him away forever.
"What about other… non human people?" Erwin resisted the urge to run his knuckles against Levi's feathers which were right there.
"Titans?"
"Not titans."
Levi met his gaze with exhausted grey eyes. "Nothing," he said. "Didn't see anybody."
One last hope, in that case. Erwin took out a folded piece of paper. "While you were out, you seemed to be speaking a different language. I wrote down some of the words that were recognizable. You said lo a lot, also something like azov, and once you called me eema. Does that mean anything to you?"
Levi's eyebrows furrowed, his face wrinkled up, and he clenched his eyes shut. For a long moment he was silent, chewing on his lip, working the words through his mind, shaking with the struggle. Erwin hoped for him, so very hard, that the words would ignite some memory, some clue… He didn't want to lose Levi, but he couldn't resist trying to help. Levi might never admit how important it was to him, but Erwin didn't need him to.
But Levi's shoulders slumped and he shook his head. "Nothing. Not a fucking thing. I don't know what any of that means. This whole thing was a fucking waste of time."
That was it, then. True to form, they had spent six weeks, nearly died, and had nothing to show for it. No maps, no books, no other flying people. Nothing but the knowledge that apparently they were alone in an empty world. Levi was looking out the window again, his back a defeated, apologetic curve.
That wouldn't do. Erwin reached out and closed his fingers around Levi's thin wrist, ignoring how Levi jumped at the touch and stared at him.
"I'm glad you're back safely," Erwin said. "Please don't scare me like this again."
Levi didn't answer, but gave his commander a half smile. "I don't have anywhere else to go. Looks like you're stuck with me."
Levi knocked at the entrance to Erwin's office with his left hand. Even though his right was practically healed, it still twinged occasionally.
"Not now," said Erwin.
He opened the door and limped in. Erwin glanced up from his work with a look of annoyance that cleared immediately when he saw who it was.
"Levi! You shouldn't be up." And Erwin was on his feet coming to Levi's side, ready to help him into a chair, like Levi was some kind of fucking invalid. Which he sort of was, but it had been three days since he had gotten shot and the bullet wound, at least, was healing pretty well.
"My legs are fine," Levi complained, "it's my back that's shit." Still, he let Erwin settle him in the chair and shifted around, trying to find an angle that didn't make him want to die. His abilities were absolute shit, why did fatal wounds heal but pulled muscles hung around for weeks? At least he didn't have to drag his wings around all the time now.
Erwin was giving him this inspecting look, like his eyes could see right through him and analyze the state of his health. Which maybe Erwin could, he was sometimes scary with how quickly he noticed when Levi was off his game.
When he had satisfied himself of whatever it was, Erwin returned to his seat behind the desk and picked up his quill again. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"I'm fucking bored and my back hurts." Normally Erwin would usher him right back out, but at the moment Erwin was still feeling guilty over sending Levi on a six-week waste of time that ended with him getting shot. Levi was milking it for all it was worth. Guilty Erwin could be harassed into so much.
Wait… Levi's eyes found the desk, staring at the black quill in Erwin's hands. "Trying to go back to the happy days before the wall or what? The hell are you doing with a quill pen, did technology break or something?"
"Ah." Erwin looked a bit sheepish, and that set off all of Levi's warning bells. He watched as Erwin stroked his fingers down the spines, before saying, "it's a handsome feather, and quite sturdy. And you see that I had it fitted with a proper nib."
Levi stared at the feather, mesmerized, and when it hit him he felt like an absolute idiot for not figuring it out immediately. "Oh god. That's mine. That's my feather. Gross, Erwin, disgusting, what are you doing with that?"
Erwin gave that asshole smile of his. "I hardly see how it can be dirty, I assume you keep yourself clean." He was stroking the feather again, fingers starting at the base and running all the way to the tip. Levi couldn't tear his eyes away from the movement, and couldn't resist a shudder.
"It came off my body, it's like collecting… fingernails or something! Erwin! Don't – stop rubbing it on your face!"
Levi wanted to attack him but everything made his back hurt, he could hardly move, there was no way he'd get the feather away from Erwin.
"But it's so soft. And I think I deserve to make use of your feathers, considering how many of them you left strewn across my room."
He had made a mess. Levi twitched. It was true, he had lost feathers and he hadn't cleaned them up because when they transferred him back into his own room he still hadn't been particularly capable of walking. And he'd spent the rest of that day trying to chivvy Mike into cleaning. He hadn't even thought of the mess he'd left for Erwin.
But that didn't mean it was okay for Erwin to be petting himself with Levi's feathers.
"Stop it, just stop, you're giving me the creeps, I would beat the shit out of you if I could, you bastard!" Levi leaned forward to try and snatch the feather away, but it was too easy for Erwin to twitch it away from his flailing hands.
Erwin was laughing. Fuck him. "This is revenge, isn't it? For – for-"
"For what?"
"For…" Levi swallowed. For fucking everything, he realized. The shoe was on the other foot now. Shit. "I'll steal it," he threatened. "Breaking into your room is really easy."
"I have more. Lots more, actually. I was thinking of making a feather duster. What do you think?"
"Fuck you."