A/N:Sorry to keep you guys waiting so long. I have an idea for another story that's been rattling around in my brain screaming to get out. It's been making it kind of hard to focus on this one. This tale is in the home stretch. I have two maybe three more chapters before I wrap this thing up. As always, read, review, follow, favorite and enjoy.
...
"Did you or did you not know that Ben was fucking around on me with Alison?"
How did things get out of hand so quickly? All I know is I was at home, anxiously awaiting my girlfriend. I had all kinds of plans to blow her mind. I was absolutely giddy with the prospect of how the evening was going to turn out. Somewhere between her hanging up with me and arriving here, something has changed. I don't know who she ran into on her way over, but I'm willing to bet my life she was of the blonde and manipulative variety.
"Yes, but Emily please let me explain."
She looks like hearing what I have to say is the last thing she wants to do. I know I have one shot at this. If I tell her anything less than the truth I'm screwed.
"How long?" she asks.
"How long what?"
"How long did you smile in my face and tell me that you loved me while you knew what Ben and that bitch we're doing to me?" she growls.
I swallow the sudden thickness in my throat. I know there isn't going to be an easy way to say this.
"Pretty much the whole time," I mumble.
"The whole time!" she shouts.
"Em, please."
"I guess blood real is thicker than water."
"Emily it's more complicated than that."
"Then please Paige, make it simple for me."
I look at Emily and I don't think I've ever seen her like this before. She's shaking and she looks like she wants to sob and swear all at the same time. After the hurt Ben put her through, I vowed I would never do anything to cause her that much grief. Yet here we are.
"I wanted to tell you. I swear I did. Ben threatened me. If I told you, he would let everyone know my secret."
"And what can be so deep and dark that you would willingly lie to me."
I take a deep breath and steel myself for the conversation I'm about to have.
"Do you remember the summer we met."
"Yes."
"And how I was sad because my mom had just died and then Ben was being sent off to boarding school."
"Paige what does this have to do with anything?"
"Will you just let me finish please? I'm getting to that."
She crosses her arms over her chest and huffs. I can tell she's getting impatient.
"I'm the reason Ben got sent away."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm the one who threw the fire cracker in the shed that day. Ben dared me to do it and I did. I didn't know Jenna was in there. It was supposed to just be a prank we were playing on Toby."
I wait with bated breath for her response. I can't read the expressions playing across her face.
"So you let him take the fall for your misbehavior. Then you let him hold you hostage with it for years."
"Yes."
"Paige why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?"
"I've never told anyone. I'm so ashamed of it."
"So you're telling me you've been lying to me since the day we met."
"Em it's not like that."
She's on a roll and doesn't hear a thing I'm saying.
"You know I have trust issues after everything I've gone through with Ben. I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore."
"Babe I'm still the same me."
"Yeah well the you I know would never be dishonest with me. The you I know would never let someone else take the blame for her mistake. The you I know would never do something to hurt me."
"Emily."
"I think we rushed into things too fast. I think I need to take a step back and figure some things out."
"Emily what are you saying?"
"I'm saying I don't think I can be your girlfriend right now."
"Emily I swear I'm sorry. Please understand that I did what I did from a place of desperation. I didn't do it to be hurtful or malicious. Please can we talk about this. Give me a chance to make it right," I implore her.
"It's going to take more than sorry to fix this Paige. I don't feel like I can trust you anymore," she says dejected.
I see the tears flowing from her eyes. They're flowing almost as hard as the ones from mine. I know I should go to her. Fight to make her understand that my intentions were never to cause her harm. If anything, I've spent every moment since I've met her trying to protect her. But my legs feel like lead and I can't seem to move. I watch her turn and walk away from me. I collapse on the floor, broken and defeated.
...
I don't know how long I was on my floor. I didn't see the point in moving. From the crick in my neck and how sore my back is, I'm pretty sure I slept in the spot I'm now lying in. My mouth feels like it's full of cotton. My head is pounding. The sunlight is burning holes in my retinas. They carry the heavy puffiness of crying all night. There's a thousand elephants tap dancing in my head. I swear the whole world is conspiring against me. I think there's a light knock at my door but it's hard to tell. It's hard to hear anything over the sound of my heart breaking into a million pieces. The knock gets a little louder. I still don't answer it. I have no desire to see anyone if it isn't Em.
"Hey Paige. Oh my gosh are you ok?" Spencer asks.
"Leave me alone," I grumble.
"I'd love to, but your dad is here."
"Fuckin A," I gripe.
"I can try to get rid of him if you want. Tell him you're not home."
"No if his majesty came all this way, I mustn't keep him waiting," I say sarcastically.
I manage to pull myself up off of the floor. As soon as I stand, I feel my head spin. Not only do I have to deal with my dad, but a hangover from hell is in the makings. I chance a glance in the mirror. My make up is smudged. My hair is matted. I still have on last night's clothes. Simply put, I look like shit. At this point, I could really care less. I saunter into the living room to find Nick McCullers comfortably lounging on the sofa.
"Father."
He stares straight ahead as he begins to speak.
"Do you know the amount of sacrifice it takes to be successful?"
"Excuse me?" I ask.
"The focus and dedication it takes to make something of yourself?"
"Dad I'm really not in the mood for your circle talk. Could you just say what it is you're trying to say."
This seems to get his attention. For the first time since he started talking, he finally looks at me.
"I've given up a lot to afford you the life of leisure that you live Paige. You've never had to work a day in your life. You've never wanted for anything. So when I request your presence, I expect you to be there."
I scoff at his last remark. I see he's still pissed about me not coming home for Christmas. His sudden appearance is now making sense.
"I've never asked for any of this and believe me, I've wanted for plenty."
"I find it hard to believe that you've ever had to go without."
I can feel my anger slowly starting to build.
"What I've had to go without is a father who cared about me. Someone who was there to help with my homework. To tuck me into bed at night. To kiss my boo boo's and tell me it will be okay. Hell, someone who gave a damn about the things that were important to me.
"You'll watch your tone when you're speaking to me young lady."
"No I won't. I've been holding on to this for too long and it needs to be said. Why don't you love me dad?"
"How could you ask me something like that? Of course I love you."
"Really? Tell me, what's my favorite color? My favorite food? How many of my meets have you been to in the last six months? The last year? The last four years? Need time to think about it? Go ahead, I can wait."
He seems flustered by my sudden barrage of questions.
"Paige you know that I work a lot."
"And what were your working so hard for?"
"I was working hard to build my business. To establish the legacy so that you could carry it on."
"Dad I never wanted the legacy. That is your dream, not mine. And since we're on the subject, I'm not majoring in business anymore. I don't intend to take over the family business either."
You would think I had slapped him by the look on his face. I see his eyes narrow. I truly feel like I don't know the man in front of me.
"Never in all my life have I met someone so ungrateful."
"Yeah we'll never in all my life have I might someone so heartless."
"Heartless am I? Let's see how long you survive without me footing the bill."
I grit my teeth and stare at him. I know he's trying to call my bluff, but I refuse to let him see me fold. He doesn't think I can make it without him. What he fails to realize is that I've been maintaining for most of my life with little input from him.
"I could care less about you and your money. Do whatever you have to do because my obedience is no longer for sale."
I don't wait to hear what he says. I grab my coat, my gym bag and storm out the door.
...
After that confrontation with my father, I'm more convinced than ever that the universe is conspiring against me. My mind and my heart is a jumbled mess right now. I head to the one place that always brings me peace no matter what. The season is over, but I still have unlimited access to the Natatorium. I'm grateful that anyone with good sense isn't up this early on a Saturday morning. The last thing I want to do is run into someone. I head to the locker room and change into my suit. The minute I hit the water, I feel a calm rush over me. I do a couple of laps and lose myself in the rhythm of my strokes. Swimming is such a second nature to me that I don't even have to think about it when I'm doing it. It's like breathing to me. The only other thing that comes so naturally is music.
After my seventh time down and back, I feel my mind start to clear. I'm not as emotional and I'm able to think rationally about the predicaments I've gotten myself in to. Emily has every right to be upset with me. I have nobody to blame but myself. I've had plenty of opportunities to come clean with her. Still, I don't feel like that was cause enough for us to break up. I just have to get her to understand that everything I've ever done since the day we met was in her best interest. Surely she'll understand that and we can get pass this. I continue to push though the water with a new determination. My situation doesn't seem as bleak as it did an hour ago. Now all I have to do is figure out how I'm going to support myself.
I do a few more laps and I get out of the pool feeling renewed and ready to face the world. I shower and get dressed. I'm blow drying my hair when I hear a quiet "hey" over my shoulder. I turn around and find Shana staring.
"Hey. I didn't know anyone else was here," I say.
"I'm just getting here. Just because the season is over doesn't mean training is."
I nod my head in agreement.
"Who knows I might even be as good as Emily Fields one day," she says snidely.
"Shana."
"I know, I know. You don't like anyone talking about your girl. I heard she talked to some of the Olympic coaches after the meet. I hear they're talking about her training with them this summer."
I knew she had spoken to the coaches, but the fact that she might be leaving for the summer is news to me.
"Yeah she's pretty excited," I comment.
"I have to admit that I'm kind of jealous. I know you must be proud."
"Yes I am," I say quietly.
I don't say anything else, lost in my own thoughts at this new revelation. Shana takes the hint and leaves me to myself. What am I going to do if things aren't right between us before she leaves? It was one thing when I thought I had some time. I have to plead my case to her and soon. I can't risk loosing her forever.
...
"She's leaving Spencer and I don't know what to do?"
Spencer and I are enjoying an early evening meal. She could tell by the way that I left earlier that I could use some cheering up.
"Have you tried talking to her?"
"Of course I've tried talking to her. I've called, texted, e-mailed, Facebooked, Tweeted. I'm practically one step away from being a stalker."
"I have to admire your persistence. What about Hanna?"
"That's a no go as well. She's running interfering for Em. She won't tell me where she's been. She won't let me in when I show up at their place. She won't even tell me how she's been. She's protecting her, but I can't I blame her. How did I so royally screw this up?"
"My friend I'm going to need for you to stop being so pessimistic about this. Wallowing in your sorrows will never get you anywhere. Most importantly, it won't get you Emily back."
"It's kind of hard not to wallow. My girl left me. My father has cut me off. I don't know how I'm going to survive."
"My brush with mortality has taught me one thing. To always seize the moment and to find the silver lining in every storm cloud."
"What do I possible have to be optimistic about?" I ask.
"Well for one you don't have to worry about where you're going to live."
I cock my head questioningly.
"Paige your father doesn't pay for this place, my dad does."
"What?"
"Have you ever wonder how you got into the upperclassmen's residency and you're only a freshman?"
"No. I just figured my dad pulled some strings with some of his many connections."
"That's exactly what he did. My dad owed him a favor. So he agreed to pay for the whole apartment and they called it even."
"So your telling me he's been lording over my head money that he isn't even spending?"
"Pretty much."
I rattle off a string of expletives. I can't believe how underhanded my father can be. Anything to get me to bend to his will.
"So you have somewhere to live. This semester is already paid for, so you don't have to worry about school. See, silver lining," Spencer smiles.
I smile back at her. It's amazing how with a little perspective, things don't seem as bad as they could be.
"Now all we have to figure out is how you're going to get your girl back."
...
"I've never asked you how we got this practice space," I say to Naya.
The Mistresses of Music have just finished another practice session. Every time we get together, the music just gets better and better. With all the crap going on in my life, it's feels nice to have something going right.
"Chloe's uncle is the head of A&R for the record label. The don't use this practice space anymore. She talked him into letting us use it."
"Must be nice to have family you can count on when you need them," I comment.
Naya doesn't respond to my comment. Instead, we keep straightening up and putting things away. After an indiscernible amount of time, Naya finally speaks.
"McCullers I thought I told you if you screwed things up with Emily that I'd kick your ass," she says evenly.
I expel a long, slow breath. Of course Emily told her about what happened between us. Regardless of what Em says, I know that a piece of her loved Naya and that she would turn to her for comfort.
"Have you seen her?" I ask.
"Of course I've seen her. She cried on my shoulder for damn near two hours straight. She was going on and on about how she could be so stupid and how she can't believe this is happening to her again."
I feel my heart jump into my throat.
"Naya you know my deceit wasn't intentional. You know I could never do anything to cause Emily pain."
"I do know that Paige and Emily knows it too. She just can't see beyond her heartache right now. Just give her some time. She'll come around."
"But I don't have time on my side. Has she told you that the Olympic team is scouting her and she might be leaving to go train with them?"
"She has. I always knew she was amazing. It's about time everyone else started to catch on."
Naya has this far away look on her face. I know she's agonizing over losing Emily to me. Maybe I should have been the one to walk away and let the two of them be together. At least I know Emily would've been happy.
"I can't lose her Naya. I can't. She's the only person since my mom to really love me for me. No strings. No conditions. Just love."
"Then we're going to have to get you two back together then and I have the perfect idea."
"You'd help me even though you'd rather have Emily for yourself?"
"What can I say, I'm trying to get into heaven. Besides, as amazing as Emily and I would've been together, it doesn't even come close to what the two of you share."
...
Somehow Naya has managed to swing getting us to do a mini set at karaoke night. It's only four songs, but she thinks it'll be good publicity. Not only will we be letting the people know what we're about, we'll also be able to get a general idea whether this music thing can turn into something real. I've performed a many times in this cafe, yet tonight feels different. I'm a buzz with nervous energy, but for the life of me, I can't explain why. Naya asked me a couple of days ago to sing the last song of the set. She made some ambiguous request about making sure that it's a song that speaks to the heart of what I'm feeling right now. When I asked her why, she didn't offer any explanation. She just said that important people would be there, so make it good. I've been contemplating what it is exactly that I'm feeling. There's a myriad of different emotions that I'm experiencing, but the one that's most prevalent is lose. Once I figured that out, I knew exactly what I was going to sing.
There's a decent amount of people that showed up this evening. Apparently Naya has been hyping us up. Most of the patrons of the coffee shop are familiar with either Naya or myself and are interested to see what the two of us together has to offer. We start off the set with a nice uptempo song. Naya is strutting around the stage like she's Mick Jagger. She has amazing showmanship and the audience is eating it up. By the time we're halfway through the second song, I'm really starting to feel my groove. We slow it down for the third song. We do a sappy love song that showcases Naya's vocal ability. The song winds down to raucous applause.
"Is everyone having a good time?" Naya asks the audience.
They shout a resounding yes. Her, Derek and Chloe laugh at their enthusiasm. I would have been tickled as well, but I was too focused on my performance.
"Well we're going to end this with a very special song. You all know my friend Paige don't you?"
There's a multitude of catcalls, whistles, shouts and hand claps that happen at the mention of my name. I don't know if that makes me more nervous or more confident. I leave my place from behind my keyboard and grab my guitar that's off stage. I take a seat in front of the mic that Naya has been using all night.
"Thanks for that warm welcome. I dedicate this one to the love of my life."
The room goes silent and I start to strum the first chords of the song.
"There's a thousand words that I could say to make you come home. Seems so long ago you walked away and left me alone. And I remember what you said to me. You were acting so strange. And maybe I was too blind to see that you needed a change."
In my minds eye I can see Emily as clear as day, telling me that she didn't trust me. Telling me that she didn't think she could be with someone who wasn't trustworthy.
"Was it something I said to make you turn away. To make you walk out and leave me cold. If I could just find a way to make it so that you were right here, right now."
When I decided to do this song, I knew I wanted to make it my own. I chose to keep it simple. Just me and my guitar. No drums, no keys, no background singer, no theatrical production. Just me, raw and real. I close my eyes and let my emotions run free.
"I've been sittin' here, can't get you off my mind. I'm tryin' my best to be a woman and be strong. I've drove myself insane wishing I could touch your face but the truth remains..."
Again, all I can see is Emily.
"You're gone"
Her eyes.
"You're gone"
Her smile.
"Baby, you're gone"
The look on her face when she says 'I love you'.
"Girl, you're gone. Baby girl, you're gone"
The way she smells.
"Gone, you're gone, you're,"
I'm lost in the melody and the words of the song. It's like I'm alone in the room. There's nobody here but me and my guitar.
"Now I don't wanna make excuses baby. Won't change the fact that you're gone. But if there's something that I could do. Won't you please let me know. The time is passing so slowly now. Guess that's my life without you. And maybe I could change my every day, but baby I don't want to. So I'll just hang around and find some things to do to take my mind off missing you. And I know in my heart you can't say that you don't love me too. Please say you do."
I start back in on the chorus and can feel myself getting a little choked up. I just keep reliving all the good times we've shared. I focus so that I can make it through the song. I can breakdown and lose it later. I feel something stir in my soul and my eyes shoot open. The house lights are dimmed extra low. I can hardly see anyone's face, but there's one I can see clear as ever. She's in the back of the room and I can barely make out her features, but I could see Emily's face with my eyes closed. I don't know how long she's been here, but the important thing is that she's here now. I give the last of the song all that I have. I sing ever word directly to her. My eyes never waiver from her face. I hope I can convey to her how truly distraught I am without her.
"What will I do if I can't be with you? Tell me where will I turn to, baby, who will I be? Now that we are apart, am I still in your heart? Baby, why don't you see that I need you here with me? Oh!"
I finish out the song barely holding it together. I single solitary tear escapes my eye. I compose myself long enough to take a bow and thank everyone for coming. I stand on the stage for as long as I can. All I want to do is get to Emily before she leaves. Surprisingly, it looks like she's actually waiting for me. When we're finally face to face, I'm at a lost for words.
"Em," is all I can manage to whisper.
I haven't seen her in a couple weeks. She looks as beautiful as the first time I ever saw her. Her eyes are glistening from unshed tears and I know that my song moved her.
"Do you want to step outside so we can talk?" she asks.
I nod my head and follow her lead. The night sky is beautiful this evening. The moon is full and you can see the stars. How I wish I was sharing this view with Emily under different circumstances.
"That was a beautiful song you sang," she says.
"How much of it did you hear?"
"I got there around the part where you dedicated it to the love of your life."
"Oh."
We're both silent, not quite sure of what to say next. I'm trying to find the words to make the situation right while Emily looks like she's fighting to keep her composure.
"I practiced what I was going to say to you. Did you know that?" I begin.
Emily looks away not knowing what to say.
"I've been going over and over in my head how I'm going to explain myself the next time I get the chance to talk to you. I present a pretty convincing case. Now you're standing in front of me and I'm looking in your eyes and I forget everything. All I can say is that I love you. Like if I say it just right, it'll fix things. Like somehow you'll hear it differently this time and everything will be alright."
Emily is still silent. I plead with my eyes for her to say something. Anything. Instead I'm met with more silence. Silence and sorrowful eyes communicating so many unspoken words.
"Is there something I can do to reassure you that I won't hurt you like this anymore? Whatever it is that you need, say it and I'll do it."
Emily looks like she's mulling over my request. She takes a breath and I hold mine. This is it. What ever she says next will determine my fate.
"Paige, I," she starts.
"Scooby I've been looking for you everywhere," Naya interrupts.
I groan at my constant misfortune.
"Can it wait Naya? I'm in the middle of something important here."
"No it can't wait. Remember when I said that some important people would be here? Well one of the reps from Chloe's uncle's record company is here and he wants to talk to us?"
I sigh heavily cause I know that this conversation with Emily can't wait. I also know that I can't keep the gentleman waiting either. I'm torn between what to do.
"Go see what the guy wants Paige," Emily says.
"Emily this is more important to me. You are more important to me."
"You don't know what he has to say and it could be a life changing opportunity."
"Em," I say.
"We can talk later. I'll see you around."
She turns to leave and I'm, once again, rooted to the spot I'm standing in. Everything in me wants to chase after her. Make her see sense. Thing is, I can't seem to will my legs to move. Naya grabs my arm and drags me back inside. We make our way over to the gentleman she was speaking of. I can tell by the look of him that this is serious business.
"You're Paige right?" he asks.
"Yes, that would be me."
"I'm Nathan Long, an A&R rep at G.M.M. Records. Nice to meet you."
He extends his hand for me to shake. I shake it warily as I glance at Naya. She gives me a sneaky smile but doesn't say a word.
"That was quite a performance you put on up there."
"Thanks."
"I have a new artist that I'm sending out on tour this summer. I've been looking for a hot act to open for him. How would you and the Mistresses of Music like to be that act?"