Spring, 455 H.E
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March 14 – later at night
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Lady Hebi uttered a faint cry. She was reading a letter the messengers had given her before they left to sleep, a few minutes ago.
I thought it might be something disagreeable that I had done. "Is the dining room clean, Lady Hebi-san?" I asked.
She ignored me as if nothing had happened. She directed her gaze outside to the plum trees, and, averting her head from me, continued to eat her dried fish. "The dining room is not clean enough. Go to bed without supper."
I bowed silently and left. This is the normal attitude that Lady Hebi gives me, but I can not shake off the suspicion that something is not quite right.
One would not think we were related by marriage, or would soon be, the way she treats me.
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March 15
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Something is most definitely not right. Lady Hebi has insisted that she will accompany me to see the Emperor. "I must speak with the Emperor myself," were her exact words to the samurai that accompanied us.
Now we must ride in a carriage, for Lady Hebi does not approve of women riding horses. Journeying will take twice as long. But at the same time I am glad for the shelter, for it started raining today.
A few minutes ago as I looked out at the rain being blown and swirled about, I tried to picture what Lady Hebi's feelings were. She was sitting as far away from me as possible in the carriage, face as blank as the smooth apples I used to pick as a girl. Only watching her jaw clench and unclench gives me some indication as to what she was thinking.
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March 15 – written at night
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I did not get to finish my entry, because we were attacked by a small group of bandits while traveling on a dusty, empty road. I felt so helpless! My naginta, which I have reclaimed from Lady Hebi, was stored underneath me, but she refused to let me use it.
"Let the samurai earn their food." Was her gruff response to my protests that they were outnumbered.
I sat in the carriage demurely, hand itching to reach for my naginta or my shukusen. All these years Nariko has taught me to defend myself, and I will never be able to do so! A wave of such despair caught me, crashing down on my very soul. When I marry Lord Botan, I will never be allowed to do anything interesting again. A caged bird, one who will always have a perfect view of the wonders of life they are missing, will be more free than I.
How I long to make a difference for women in this world! While the Emperor is supportive of women fighting, he can not be everywhere at once.
Our four samurai killed off the attackers relatively easily, though one man almost got his arm chopped off. He fought on, though I wished to take his place. But I have seen men fight with much worse than that. It is said that Saichō Narimasa, the greatest samurai who ever lived, continued fighting even when he lost a leg and broke one arm protecting the Emperor against fifteen men. Until he died from blood loss a day later, that is.
But Narimasa's time was over a century ago. And yet tradition and honor still has not changed.
The thought of honor makes me think of my family once more. "Just because a person is Emperor does not mean they have honor." My uncle told me before he destroyed my family.
The more I grow up, the more I find this ironic. My uncle, who so strongly believe in honor, placed our family from among those highest ranked to a family in shame. Because of him, I am stuck in a marriage to Lord Botan, the son of a commoner samurai who was recently ennobled. But blood overrules honor in some cases, and I am still one of the most sought-after girls for marriage. My blood and high education is what gives me hope. The Emperor may still want to use my rank to form an alliance with someone of importance.
We have stopped at a village inn for the night, so the injured samurai might heal his arm and the bandits will get their punishment.
I am sure they will get their heads chopped off.
While our other guards rest, Lady Hebi and I sat down for a meal with the proprietress.
Lady Hebi is most peculiar when she eats. She sits perfectly erect, with her head held high and scarcely so much as glancing at her food, as if it is beneath her. She darts her cutlery in and out of her food so slowly one would begin to wonder how she manages to keep her food from falling off. The food is poured into the gaping hole of her mouth, though one drop is not spilled. Then she glances around her contemptuously, peering around to satisfy herself that no one eats as mannerly as she.
I must struggle to keep face when she does that, for her manners are anything but courtly. But being, in Lady Hebi's words, a high-class nobody, I simply eat my food in the silent, simple way that etiquette describes.
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March 16
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I am brooding. But I can not help it; I am nervous to see the Emperor today. In less than an hour we will reach Naginosaku, where the Emperor is staying for the spring.
The rain does not help either. To think that a few days ago I predicted beautiful weather! Now I stare out at the nasty mixture of fog and rain in despair. We will be prey to bandits if we don't hurry. Even though Lord Botan's house is only a few hours away from Naginosaku, bandit attacks have grown: it was a terrible winter.
I can see Naginosaku in the distance now. A large castle rises, seemingly out of the ocean it is beside. If I look closely I can just make out the fishing ships that are defying the weather and trying to make a living.
They will get their masts chopped off.
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Note: I hope you're enjoying reading this as much as I am writing this! Also, I realize that I had made a mistake in the last chapter: the Emperor is Shinko's uncle, her mother's brother. Her father's brother was the man who attempted to assassinate the Emperor. But I will never refer to Emperor as Shinko's uncle, only the one who is dead. I hope that makes sense. Sorry about the confusion!