Spring, 455 H.E
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March 19- later
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There was supposed to be a celebration in my honor tonight, a viewing of the fireflies as they lit up the rice paper lanterns between the orchards. But the gloomy rain is still falling incessantly. Painful waves beat relentlessly on the walls, and clouds are gathering. A thunderstorm is coming.
A terrible emotion –apprehension- wrings at my breast, causing my heart to flutter and my pulse falter. Lady Hebi is trying to convince the Emperor of her case; that lord Botan has already taken my honor. At times everything goes misty in front of me, and I feel my strength ooze out from the soles of my feet. But I must keep a stiff appearance, my mind must be a wall: solid and impenetrable, letting malicious thoughts wave past it.
My one source of comfort: two of the Imperial ladies have been assigned as my ladies-in-waiting permanently, my friends Haname and Yukimi. Only two have been chosen as I do not wish to surround myself in my own people amongst a group of foreigners. By only having two close friends, I will be more accepted by the Tortallans. I hope.
I discussed with Haname and Yukimi how we should properly express our gratitude to the Emperor. Haname was of the opinion that an object of value would be the most suitable. She added, "If you had rather not go alone, I will do my rounds at the same time as you."
"It would be best, wouldn't it, for me to go alone?" I must convince the Emperor that Lady Hebi's news is false.
"Can you manage it alone?"
At these words I felt my heart wrench with gratitude. These women are my friends, and they will respect me and take care of me no matter what.
"Yes, tomodachi, I will go alone."
I called to the Imperial Room, and was allowed to enter almost immediately. It is amazing, how much my status has risen since my recent betrothal.
The Emperor was kneeling on the tatami mats, smoking his pipe with a few noblemen. Smoke drifted from his nostrils and filled the air, causing the air to smell pleasantly of incense. He nodded to me as I bowed, keeping my forehead to the ground as I looked up to meet his eyes. To my surprise, they were almost kindly and warm, like a small fire had been lit inside. His rough manner and coarse speech, for which he is famous, has never been shown to me.
"Princess," he said with the strange solemnity that gives him such a distinguished air. "I trust you are coming to ask me about the celebrations tonight?"
These words astonished me. "No, Imperial Highness," I murmured, concealing my emotions; if he was not going to bring up Lady Hebi, then neither would I. "I came to beg you to receive this paltry gift of thanks from your unworthy servant."
He motioned for me to stand up, and I did so, lifting my red-patterned kimono up gracefully as I handed the small keepsake to one of the Emperor's samurai.
It was Lord Botan, and he met my eyes steadily, gently, which was a relief. Perhaps he was as unhappy with the marriage as I was.
The Emperor's face said nothing as he opened my gift, though his eyes widened slightly in recognition. I had given him something that had once belonged to my mother, his favorite sister. The box was one that I had always admired for its beauty; it was unlike the diamond-and-gold creations that most courtiers had, but rather simple. A plain, black container of cloth, its lid decorated with a dragon made of rubies. The dragon's emerald eyes glinted in the dimming light, and its mouth wide open. Sometimes when I studied it, fingers tracing the sharp stones, I could almost hear it roar. But it was what was contained that truly mattered to me.
Inside was a Ningyo doll, a family heirloom that belonged to my mother, his favorite sister. It had been made at a great cost, but it had more of a sentimental value for me. I knew that he would appreciate the doll more than any other gift I could give, for every time I stare at it, I am reminded of Mother. Mother and her child-like appreciation for the world and its surroundings, Mother who cared for everyone and anyone, Mother who always managed to appear innocent and cheerful. She is what I look up to, and everything I want to be as future Queen.
The Emperor looked at me, as blank as the hardened rock that he is. "My thanks, Princess," he said stiffly. "Please note that the celebration in your honor is now taking place in the Greater Tea Room."
It took me a moment to realize that I had been dismissed, but Lord Botan was kind enough to escort me out. But he did not speak, until we had reached the outermost doors entering the Imperial Throne Room.
"I would like to apologize for my mother, and the way you have been treated." He said carefully, putting well-thought words to use. "I just wish for you to understand, that I am happy with this agreement. I held no love for you, except for the love of a sister. Lady Teintaro and I were childhood friends, and would have continued to be had my mother not interfered."
My throat closed as realization dawned on what he had done for me. "T-thank you," the words came out almost as a croak. I quickly composed myself. "You have my blessings."
Lord Botan nodded and offered me his hand, "I wish you all the best."
Looking into his eye, I saw a kindness that had never presented itself before. Perhaps I had been so focused on disliking Lady Hebi that his true personality did not come out to me. But I will never make that mistake twice; I am never going to judge another person again.
Memory escapes me. I do not remember how I made it back to my chambers, only that I collapsed into my futon and woke up a while later when a servant was politely batting the cloth near my head to help me change my kimono. This irked me: without imperial permission, servants may not touch those of royal blood. As if they were lesser beings.
"Just because a person is Emperor does not mean they have honor." I find myself agreeing with Uncle more and more. Just because a person does not have noble blood does not mean that they are not human. Or are they less human than others, I wonder?
I must guard my insolent tongue. If this journal were to be discovered, the Emperor would have me killed for such a comment.
Only one more thing that I must write: a strange occurrence that happened while I was talking to a courtier at the celebrations. He was talking to me rather enthusiastically about the University in Tortall, of which he was hoping to rival. Behind me I could see Yuki flirting with one of her many conquests, and I smiled inwardly.
Suddenly there flashed across my mind an image of riding with Father through our lands and getting out in to the country, and how the autumn fields looked. The fall flowers –marigolds, snakeweed, asters- were in bloom. The crops were just being harvested.
Later Father and I joined the rest of our family at the lake near our home. I jumped into the water, and my parents and older brother soon joined me. Little fish darted at our feet, and the weeds brushed against my legs, but it was the last time that I remember my parents being happy. The picture flashed into my mind, only to vanish a few seconds later when I tried to remember the details.
Those days, I remember now, were the last dying sparks of our happiness. Once Uncle and my brother tried to assassinate the Emperor, our real hell began.
Note: Sorry it took me so long to update! I'm not entirely pleased with this chapter; I don't think I pulled it off quite well, and it was a little too rushed, and the word "I" was used to much. So there will probably be a few changes within the next few days. Updates are going to be a bit slow for the next little while: exams are coming up, and I'm going to study at a marine biology station for four days and will not have computer access (or the time to write anything).
Reviews are cherished, criticism and suggestions worshipped. And kudos to the sneaky reviewer who pointed out some of my attempts at hidden metaphors, omens, Hebi's name, etc. I'm not very good at it, but I'm glad that someone noticed... hopefully I will get better as time goes on. Feel free to give suggestions that will make them better! As to the question about Shinko's past... I hope that this chapter was enough of a clue.