Spring, 455 H.E
------------
April 14
------------
I have begun to devote my energies to studying Tortallan customs with Lady Fenerah. Ever since I discovered my brother's journal, I have felt somehow as if I am more aloof than ever in this country. I am becoming every day less and less of a Yamani. When, for instance, I take tea with Lady Hebi and Princess Narimoku, I no longer feel at ease. I used to enjoy court life, and would laugh and dance with the others, but now it comes as a relief to ride out in the village with the Ambassadors, or discuss academics and politics with those not interested in courtly affairs. Instead of attending tea with the other Imperial Ladies, I go straight from my glaive practices to Lady Fenerah's chambers. There Lady Fenerah teaches me things that I will find necessary to survive in Tortallan culture.
Yuki and Haname came with me today. Haname insisted, with her usual gentle composure, that she be introduced to the ambassadors out of courtesy. Yuki, who knows far more about Tortall than any of us, simply came because she was curious.
We dined in the ambassador's Sitting Room where Lady Fenerah taught us how to use Tortallan cutlery. Even Haname let out a small smile after Yuki's tenth attempt to use a 'fork'. Once in a while a Tortallan maid steps in to serve food, only to stop to observe intently what I am doing. At these times I do my best to speak courteously, for I know they are storing opinions of me. In Tortall, Lady Fenerah tells me, even the opinions of servants matter.
At first we sat at the dining room table in silence, our eyes averted from one another out of politeness. Although Lady Fenerah looked delighted to see Yuki and Haname, she was quiet in all her words. She sat across from me, a ruby pendant dangling from her long neck, her hands shyly demonstrating to us how to pour tea or use a mutton fork.
It was at this point that Ambassador Bardolph entered, bouncing on his feet like a small child as he attempted a flowery Yamani bow. Standing up, he blushed faintly and gave a charming smile, his fat dimples showing. He had not realized that we were here. There was a silence and then I laughed; a light, chirruping sound, which was quickly followed by Yukimi's giggle. And as Haname finally joined in I felt happy, so happy; as if I could draw myself up to the sky.
Lady Fenerah swept up to kiss her husband's cheek, and it was then that I noticed she did not wear a kimono.
"Lady Fenerah," I said, rather archly, "Would you allow me to gift you with a kimono?"
Lady Fenerah hesitated, and her face filled with a dignity that I had never seen before. She stood up straight to respond to me, and I noticed she was tall, much taller than her husband. When she spoke, her voice was full of triumph. "I would be honoured, Princess."
"A Yamani gown needs Yamani jewels, to keep ones harmony." Yuki told me gravely, her eyes darkened with hidden laughter.
"And lessons in Yamani," Haname agreed.
------------
April 16
------------
A gloomy rain has been falling incessantly. Everything I do serves to dampen my spirit. My brother's boxes have been sitting in a corner of my chambers, taunting me. Although part of me wishes to tell Oshimi to burn the boxes without me reading their contents, I know it is something I must do. Today I finally started sorting through them, for all other bits of my life have been burnt, packed away, or sold.
Most of the writing was insignificant- bills, drunken poems, university books, and empty promises to store keepers. Although I felt some guilt for looking through the letters, I could not avert my eyes. I had not known that my brother was in debt.
At last, all that remains is my brother's journal. I pick up the book and open it randomly. It is a letter, addressed to me.
I shall never send this.
Why am I writing this then?
I suppose it is so that there will never be words left unsaid. I have a fear of keeping things in. If I keep things in, I will be like the other members of aristocracy who deign themselves to be above emotion. If they were to burn to death, as excruciating as it would be, they would not yell out to the world how much it hurts.
Cricket, Cricket. What can I say to you? You are but a child who hops and bounces and enjoys life with the naivety that only a child can have. And when I see you, I want to grab you and shake you like a dog for being so foolish.
I saw a hanging today. It was morning, and while the sun shone down on the branch of a cherry tree with blossoms budding and birds singing, a young girl hung from it, dead.
If we could talk… if we could talk. Shinko, little Shinko. What would I say to you? I would tell you to never marry. Never marry or you will wind up like that girl, hanging from a tree with no will but the will to sway in whichever direction the wind pushes you.
But I am being cynical. "Kajuo, the cynic" they call me. But they are all the same as me. How can we have an identity, when everything we are stays inside?
I spend my time now with people who don't look to be respected. But these people, the Tortallans, do not want to spend time with me. So I watch you, and the ease with which you befriend the Tortallan child, and I envy you.
I envied your freedom and your ease. I envied that you could laugh and sing and not be looked down on. I envied that you did not see the truth in our class.
There are no decent people in our class. Idiots, spectators, and two-faced coins. They are not capable of the simplest emotion, let alone love or compassion.
Remember this, and trust no one.
That is the advice I would give to you.
That is the advice I would give to my betrothed, whose face I still have not seen.
Is she pretty, little Shinko? Does she laugh, little Shinko? Does she smile and trot after the Empress with her tail between her legs? Shall I shake her like a dog too?
Maybe it is for the best that I go help Uncle. If I were to see her, I would surely mistreat her, for she is a court lady, and stands for everything I hate.
Please, Shinko, I beg you. Do not be like her. Get away from this country. Marry away if you have to. The air itself here is thick with the foulest stench of deceit.
It is impossible for a human to go around thinking "I am elite". Remember that, Shinko, when you are a court lady. Do not become an aristocrat.
Shinko, I think I am in love.
I would like to write her name, if I may, since you will never meet her. She is a Tortallan maid, and not at all suitable for an aristocrat. She left for Tortall yesterday. She is betrothed to a merchant.
Her name is Mary. She is as ordinary as you please. But when she laughs –oh! How she laughs! – the Gods themselves celebrate.
Oh Shinko, promise me one thing. Promise me that you will marry for love.
At these last words I stood up and threw my brother's journal into the fire. The fire, like poison, slowly consumed the last testament of my brother.
Many years have passed since Kajuo's death. And yet, after all these years, why is it now that I miss him the most?
------
I confess- I had great difficulty writing this chapter. I haven't written anything in several months, and it was hard to find Shinko's character voice again. I know I've found it, but I don't know if it's exactly correct in this chapter.