Spring, 455 H.E.

April 19

I had a troubling dream last night.

It is dusk at our old castle graveyard. It is raining, and a green-colored haze lingers over everything. The effect leaves the area looking desolate.

"Mother?" I called out.

She answered me in a calm voice. "What are you doing here?"

I leaped with joy and rushed to find her. "I've been searching for you. I must have fallen asleep."

Mother laughs. "I wondered what you were doing. You must have been napping for a long time." She envelops me in a gentle hug, a vision in her rose-petal strewn kimono. She seems amused to see me.

I was so overjoyed at Mother's charm, at her being alive, that I cried tears of gratitude.

"Why are you still here?" Mother's tone changed, her voice became demanding. The haze was turning red, as if the air was thick with blood. Her voice echoed around me. I could no longer see her.

And then I saw Kajuo. My heart stilled. It was the first time I had seen him, dream or no dream, in many years.

"You aren't cold?" he asked me, smiling tenderly.

"Just a little. I am only wet from the fog." I laughed and asked him "what has happened to Mother?"

Kajuo answered with a smile that was heartbreakingly sad and yet full of compassion, "She is in her grave."

I awoke suddenly. At the realization of Mother's death, of Kajuo's death, my body shook with an indescribable loneliness and my eyes opened.

Such a dream cannot be a good omen. I must discuss it with Yuki.

April 19 – evening

I have no yet been able to get Yuki alone.

Today announcements were made over who would lead the delegation to Tortall. The court was shocked to hear that the Emperor chose his eldest son, Prince Eintaro, to lead. He must truly want the delegation to work. I began to feel an intense amount of pressure as all eyes turned on me. Over my fan, I steadily met the eyes of the courtiers who eyed me thoughtfully, evaluating my worth. Much depends on a successful alliance between Tortall and the Yamani Islands – neither of our countries can afford to go to war with the other.

I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder and some of the pressure lifted: Yuki and Haname will be with me, and they will support me through it all.

Later, the celebrations moved to the summer house by the edge of the pond, where we admired the cherry blossoms.

I moved around the party as gracefully as I could, mindful of a recent talk with Prince Eintaro –the Tortallans expect their Yamani princess to be an ornament in their court- and bowed to everyone who talked to me.

In a distant clump of flowering shrubs I spot Lady Fenerah. She looks stiff her Tortallan gown, embroidered with falcons and suns. I must try to take amends with her.

Lord Botan is at the Prince's side. Haname tells me that they are discussing how the Yamani delegation may make the best possible impression on the Tortallan nobles.

Behind my smile, my thoughts raced.

Will I make a good foreign princess? Eventually, a good queen?

In the Yamani Islands, perhaps.

I do not know what it means to be a good princess in Tortall. What it means to be an honourable princess in Tortall.

What of my blood? Traitor's blood. Many people mutter. Will my children suffer from treachery, from the heat of having the blood of Yama the fire god running through their veins?

"Ah," I murmured.

"What's the matter?" Haname was instantly at my side.

We exchanged glances and experienced something like a moment of absolute understanding.

"I will organize an outing with Lady Fenerah." Haname informed me.

My face lightened into a smile. Not for the first time, I blessed Yama for giving me two such close friends and confidants.

April 26 – evening

Many days have passed, days filled with planning and education.

The early mornings are filled with glaive practice with other noblewomen. I use the morning as an opportunity to relax, to focus for the day ahead. Haname and Yuki, however, are busy. I see them talking to other women during breaks. Later, when Yuki is tending to my hair, she tells me what they discuss: the marriage, gaining support and favours from other houses, obtaining promises of gifts, or imperial ladies for the retinue, or support in court in exchange for my newfound Imperial support. I have been away from court for so many years, stuck in the house of Lady Hebi, I do not know how to discuss these matters. Haname, who grew up in one of our most noble houses, has promised to teach me how. In the meantime, I am forced to rely on them – the Emperor could always choose to have me replaced by another one of my cousins. I am determined that this should not happen.

Until the evening I am with the future delegation. We spend much time planning – preparing gifts, organizing and brainstorming every possible scenario that could occur.

One morning, in a hurry after training in the practice courts, I went straight to a meeting.

Prince Eintaro was alone in the meeting room, reading reports. He was dressed in a formal Yamani costume which made him look old and young at the same time.

His eyebrows snapped together when he saw me. I had the uncomfortable feeling that he disapproved of my weapons practice. Lord Botan had mentioned that weapons practice for women was still not conventional in Tortall. It is another worry that wells up within me.

My evenings are spent at court dinners, where I seat next to the Emperor himself. From the high table I watch Yuki, Haname, and my other childhood friends laugh and flirt. Sometimes I worry that this is a taste of what is yet to come in Tortall.

Will my own life rot away, like a leaf that rots without falling, while I pursue the same day-to-day existence? I feel as if I must escape from my present life, even if it means violating the whole code of young ladies' etiquette. But what does my future hold? Will I always be at the high table, watching my friends from a distance?

April 27

Finally, I had a moment alone with Yuki this evening. I told her of my dream.

She listened carefully. I relieved myself of a weeks' worries about what this dream meant, if it was an omen or a warning. My words seemed horrible even to myself, but they could not be stopped. My childhood monsters from had flown off and gotten an existence of their own.

"How much longer until we leave?" Yuki asked me.

"Six months. Perhaps a year." I answered. Then, half covering my face with my hands, I murmured "I am so sleepy. So very sleepy."

"You're exhausted. You're having nervous exhaustion." Yuki's eyes were full of concern. "I hope that this dream is not a warning, but we will be extra careful. It could be a warning to leave…" she paused thoughtfully "I will ponder it more. Perhaps we can visit a seer."

Somewhere, a bell tolled. It was midnight.

"Sleep, princess." Yuki said cheerfully. "I will watch over you. I'm not the least bit sleepy. I have been reading a book about economics and I'm all worked up over it. There is no sense in worrying over events we can't prepare for."

I dutifully closed my eyes, and kept them closed until long past Yuki had blown out her candle and silently padded out. Painful waves beat relentlessly at my heart, as if a thunderstorm in my head was frantically scudding lightening directly to my pulse. Finally, I turned the light back on. The spring moonlight flooded into the mosquito netting.

I will make a good Princess. I must make a good Princess.

Thanks for all the comments, I look forward to reading what you think.