CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Ways to lose the war and die

NOTE FROM NEGLIGENT AUTHOR: It's been centuries, dear friends and people who actually are bored enough to read this. But I'm back with another pointless online escapade of one certain Mister Tom Riddle. Comments would be grand.
DISCLAIMER: I created Myspace. I created Harry Potter. While I'm at it, I might as well also include that I created the world. Don't tell Tom, JK Rowling or religious people. And if you don't pick up on the obvious sarcasm, I will Avada you.

Lord Voldemort was going about his life as usual, getting ready for the final preparations for world domination. Scratch that. I'm not sure Voldemort ever wanted to dominate the world. He simply wanted to create a society that he saw fit. Lord Voldemort learned nothing from the Holocaust. He had been spending less and less time on myspace and his followers were beginning to worry that he was actually doing his job.

"Master, would you like to take some pictures with me in your bathroom mirror?" asked Narcissa pleadingly.

He gave her an intimidating glare and returned to his heaping pile of books. Narcissa gave an "I tried" look to the others in the room as she shrugged her shoulders and retreated.

"Looks like we're actually going to have to start being dark and threatening" sighed Goyle.

Crabbe shook his head in solemn agreement.

"You're such pussies." Bellatrix snorted. "You've all lost your sense of purpose."

Lord Voldemort suddenly jumped a bit in his chair, hitting his knee on the marble surface with a howl of pain. "I have a brilliant idea. Facebook!" He concluded, after a minute of severe cursing and swearing at the desk's existence.

Bellatrix cried in agony. "Can we just off people the old fashioned way?"

Voldemort got up and raised his wand to her neck "You mean like this?"

"Are you going to kill me?" She said, fearful for the first time.

Voldemort lowered his wand "No, I'm afraid not. That would give this fanfiction a somewhat serious tone."

"So..." Bellatrix reluctantly concluded "Facebook? That's for Muggle University kids."

He cut her off. "It says anyone can join, I just have to put ' no network' instead of a university email address."

So the next thing you know, the Dark Lord gets a Facebook!

After filling out his interests, books and movies sections he proceeded to friend random people. Random "victims" as he said, in hopes to justify his online profile addiction. Never once had he killed someone he friend-requested on Myspace.

He added a few pictures and became confused on the "tag" option. He accidentally tagged a stranger as Lucius, and Lucius as an oak tree.

Lucius seemed to take great offense.

"Does Hogwarts have a facebook network?" Wormtail asked.

"I'll check" Voldemort naively replied. "OF COURSE NOT."

"Hey... Hey... " piped Mr. Goyle. "Add this Honesty Box application so you know what people actually think of you! That's so neat..."

Voldemort kicked him hard with the heel of his foot. "I know exactly what people think of me, and none of it is nice."

"Maybe some girl out there thinks you're hot." Goyle continued "Maybe if you add the Matches application..."

There was no need to say anymore. Voldemort promptly deleted his facebook.

"We're not going to say any thing else of this terrible, misguided idea, do you all understand? NOTHING. SILENCE. Is that understood?"

All nodded.

Voldemort logged onto Myspace and they were glad to have him back.

Even if it meant they were probably going to lose the war and die.

A second note from the negligent author: It's possible some of you out here don't get this chapter because you have not yet graduated to a "facebook", but it's kind of the same concept. So I apologize to all those out of the loop. Friend Voldie on myspace as well www . myspace . com / ilovethedarkmark. I'll try to be less negligent with this story and all of my others. Cheers to you all for reading. Comments and suggestions are encouraged and exciting. (Please?) And thanks to notorious secret for leaving the facebook idea in a comment.