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Lake Erie Part IV

Winter

"Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defence, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule."

- Frederick W Robertson

The oak dresser had been made from reclaimed wood, its maker giving it a plain, but antique appearance. The legs were sturdy, curved like a dancers; the feet without embellishment. It had been stained and treated already; the lightness of the wood forever darkened, matching the three part mirror that stood on top.

Emily ran her finger across the top of the dresser, feeling its smooth, polished surface. She had noticed it as soon as she had entered the back room of the workshop, leaving Hotch and Jack to look at dining and coffee tables. She knew Hotch would come looking for her soon, wanting her opinion, and she was loathe to give it. The lake house was his, and he should be the one choosing what furniture went there. So instead she'd become enchanted with something she could never have. Getting it back to her apartment would be out of the question, and she already had a similar dresser, in white, which matched everything.

Pulling out a drawer she imagined lining it with lavender scented paper, an old fashioned fragrance, but such a thing needed old fashioned. There was room in between the two sets of drawers for a padded stool, and for a moment she could imagine herself sitting there, in the morning, applying make-up and tidying her hair. She pushed the image from her mind and turned around.

"You really like that, don't you?"

Emily wondered how long Hotch had been standing there, watching her. The room was empty of people apart from them; even Jack was absent.

"Where's Jack?" she said, unable to subdue the crack of panic, even though she knew that Hotch would never let him be anything other than perfectly safe.

"He's on a rocking horse in the kid's furniture section. And I think I will have to buy it," he said, mock exasperation in his tone.

Emily smiled. "I saw those before. They're something," she said, her hand wandering back to the dresser.

"I will get that too, if you like?"

She shook her head vehemently. "No, no, Aaron. It wouldn't go with everything else," she said, a little too loudly, a little too hurriedly.

Their conversations could never run without a subtext. They were both profilers, and she knew that he could read every word that she didn't say, just as she could now read the hurt in his eyes that no one else would notice. She'd just rejected him, on more levels than refusing his offer to buy the dresser.

"Emily, it's the same wood and staining as the bedstead. That bedroom's massive, in case you haven't noticed, and I quite like the wardrobes that match it," he said, and she couldn't help but hear the note of sarcasm in some of his words.

She looked at floor, cursing herself and her gift for ruining things. "It's rather girly for what will be a boys' retreat," she said, glancing up at him. They were standing a good few feet apart, and she may as well be pushing him further away with every syllable.

Silence reigned, laced with discomfort for a few moments. "I'll just take the wardrobes then," he said, leaving her standing, still with a hand on the dresser, as he went to examine them.

Her mother's words rang like a passing bell through her head, and she left the room without glancing at Hotch. Jack was still on the rocking horse, an appaloosa with a shiny mane. An elderly woman looked on, watching him with a smile in her eyes.

"Your son was excited when his daddy said it would be being delivered later," the woman said. "He's a sweet boy."

Emily nodded and smiled, unable to recreate the warmth in her own eyes. The mistake had been before, that Jack was hers, and neither she nor Jack had ever corrected the speaker. There seemed to be no point; it wasn't a story for strangers.

"You okay there, Jack?" she said, stepping over to him. "Have you given him a name yet?"

Jack shot her a grin, and she saw Hotch there. "I'm going to call him Dave," Jack said, pulling at the mane gently.

"Why Dave?" Emily said, the tumult inside of her stilled momentarily.

"Because Daddy said that Dave sometimes takes him for a ride, so now I can take Dave for a ride," Jack said, making the horse rock once more.

Emily raised her eyebrows, trying not to laugh. This would be a story to text JJ with later, and Morgan, and Reid. And maybe Rossi.

"What have you chosen for the house, Emmy?" Jack said. He'd started to call her Emmy a few weeks ago, when a girl from London called Emily had joined his class. She didn't like to have her name shortened, apparently, so Jack had decided the best way to make sure no one got mixed up with who he was taking about was to change her name instead.

"I haven't chosen anything, Jack," she said simply. "I'm leaving it up to your Daddy."

Jack nodded, back to being consumed by the rocking horse, and looking as if he was now pretending to be a cowboy given his exclamations. She feigned interest in an oak sideboard, still berating herself for her words. Did she want to force that commitment on Hotch? He'd seemed to be offering it.

She looked up at Jack, who was now leaning forward and whispering something in the horse's ear. She took out her phone and switched on the camera, turning it to video mode, and began to film him. The picture would be blurry, but it would capture some of the moment.

She'd just put her phone away when Hotch emerged. He gave her a quick glance before rubbing Jack's head and speaking quietly with the old woman. A payment was made, followed by a brief nod, and then he picked Jack up off the rocking horse, telling him it would be coming home in a matter of hours and that they had to go chose a sofa and chairs.

"You ready to leave?" he said to Emily, putting Jack down just in front of her.

She nodded. "Aaron – I'm sorry about what I said..."

"Don't be." He silenced her quickly. "We'll talk later. The woman recommended somewhere local that sold sofas. It's just a couple of miles away. You can come with us, or I can drop you back at the cabin."

His words cut her like a sharp piece of glass, and she knew that the hurt had registered on her face. "No, I'd like to come and see the sofas," she said, almost desperately.

He nodded, opening the car door for Jack. Emily leant in and helped him get into his booster seat, buckling him up. Jack was smiling, unaware of the tension between herself and his father. "I can't wait to get the horsey," he said. "Is he going in my room, Daddy?"

"I'm not sure yet," Hotch said, starting the engine. "Probably."

Emily stared out of the window, watching the lake in the distance as it ebbed and flowed, grey mist clinging to it for dear life. She turned her head and looked at Hotch, moving a hand onto his thigh. He didn't move it away, but neither did he acknowledge its presence.

The mist swirled inside her, and as she looked out of the window she forced back tears, and words, trying to focus on Jack's happy chatter about the lady of the lake and a horse called Dave.

Don't forget to review! To those of you who don't have a fanfic account I will have a think about how to get the calorie free chapter to you and post details in the last chapter which will be up Sunday.

Hope you enjoyed…

Sarah x