Parody of Thomas the tank engine & Friends season 4
I don't own either Blackdder and Thomas the Tank Engine
Sorry for any of those felt insulted because it is a parody that dose not make no sense at all!
James Goes Forth
Main starring
James the Red Engine as Captain James Redadder
Thomas the Tank Engine as Lieutenant Thomas St. Matthias Brighton
Percy the Small Engine as Private Percy Small
Henry the Green Engine as General Henry Green "Inanity" Stanier
Oliver the Second Great Western Engine as Captain Oliver Great Western
Major Star
"The Southern Revolution produces two appalling results - an offensive by Skaries and a really offensive City Truro impression by Percy."
Guest Starred:
Molly the Yellow Engine as Driver Bob Molly Holden (Molly)
Scene 1: The dug out
James is sitting on his bunk reading a book with Thomas whistling an off-key tune in the background
Thomas: You a bit cheesed off sir?
James: Thomas, the moment this awful war began I was cheesed off. Withing ten minutes of you turning up...I finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars. And at this stage I'm in a taxi, with two maid friends heading for the Pink Pussycat Club in lower Regent Street
Thomas: Because sir if you are a bit cheesed off there's one that'll cheer you up, and that's a City Truro I love the old City, don't you agree sir!
James: Actually no. I find 'is films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it!
Thomas: Begin your pardon Cap, but come off! His films are ball bounce funny!
James: They're rubbish
Thomas: Alright, why let's consult the men for a casting vote, shall we? (Calls) Percy!
(Enter Percy)
Percy: Sir?
Thomas: City Truro, Percy. What do you think of him?
Percy: Oh sir, he's as funny as a vegetable that's grown into a rude and amusing shape, sir.
James: So you agree with me then! Not funny at all!
Thomas: oh c'mon sir! In that last film of his when he kicked that Frenchmen in the ass-end I thought that I'd die!
James: Well if that's your idea of comedy, we can provide our own without spending a hay'penny for the admission
(James takes off Percy's hat and drops it on the floor. When Percy bends down to pick it up, James kicks him in the ass-end)
James: Did you find that funny?
Thomas: Well of course not sir! But City Truro is a geniuses
James: They certainly is a genius Thomas! They's found a way to get paid a $million a year for wearing a pair of stupid trousers! Did you find that funny Percy?
Percy: What funny sir?
(James did what he had done a second ago)
James: That funny
Percy: No sir! And you shouldn't do that sir. Cause that is a borjour act of repression!
James: What?
Percy: I think I smelt it sir, there's something afoot in the wind. The huddled masses yearning to be free!
James: Percy, have you been at Sergeant Charlie Purple's tank's oil again?
Percy: No sir! I've been sopping the milk of freedom. Already, our Southern' comrades are poised on the brink of revolution. And here too, sir, the huddled what's-names such as myself, sir, are ready to throw off the hated oppressors like you, and Lieutenant. Present company accepted, sir
James: Go clean out the bogs
Percy: Yes Sir! Right away sir!
Thomas: Now the reason why City is so funny...
James: Oh no
Thomas: ...is that he's part of the great music hall tradition
James: Oh yes! The great Sudric music hall tradition. Two man with completely unconvincing cockney accents saying, "What's up with you then?"
"What's up with me then?"
"Yeah, what's up with you then?"
"I'll tell ya what's what's up with me is that I'm right browned off! That's what's up with me!"
"Right browned off..."
(Shouts) GET ON WITH IT!
Thomas: (Chuckling) Now sir that was funny! You should go on the pulls yourself!
James: Why thank you Thomas, but I don't think I can keep up with the excitement!
(Cheering from outside. Enter Percy with a newspaper)
Percy: Sir, sir, it's all over the trenches!
James: Well, mop it up then!
Percy: No! No sir, the news. The Southern' revolution has started! The masses have risen up and shovelled their knobs!
Thomas: Well hoorah!
James: (Reading newspaper) Oh no! The Southern have pulled out of the war!
Thomas: Well we soon saw them off didn't we? Miserable, slant eyed, cake eating swine!
James: The Southern Railway were on our side
Thomas: Really? Oh!
James: And they've abandoned the northern front
Percy: And they've overthrown and shot Robert who used to be bizzare.
James: Who used to be THE TSAR! Any way, since this new communist regime has made peace with Kaiser Percival, over half a million Skarloey troops are leaving the north and coming over here. With the purpose of using my balls for target practice! There's only one thing, I'm going to have to desert, and I'm doing it right now
(Enter General Henry, unexpectantly)
Henry: You leaving us captain?
James: No sir
Henry: Good, because I want your help to shoot some deserters later on. There have been some adverse muttering amongst the men. You'll recall the Small army at Ballamaddey, where the top officers experienced horrendous uprisings from the bottom
James: Yes sir. But that was traced to a shipment of chocolate
Henry: Nonsense! And now that the Southern have followed suit, I'll be dashed if I let the same thing happen here
James: So, what are we going to do sir?
Henry: We're going to have a concert party to boost the men's morale
Thomas: A concert party?! Well hurrah!
Henry: You fancy a night at a concert party Captain?
James: Well, quite frankly sir, I'd rather spend a night on top of a step ladder in No Men's Land smoking endless cigarettes through an illuminous balaclava!
Henry: Yes, I knew it's wasn't quite your cup of tea. But we are looking for someone to organize it though. Not a tough grizzled soldier like yourself, but some damp eyed, Nancy boy who is prepared to spen the rest of the war in the Suddery Palladium
James: The show's going to the Suddery Palladium sir?
Henry: Well it's no use crushing a rebellion over here only to return to Suddery where everyman is wearing overalls and breaking wind in the halls of St. Louc! So I've come up with a cunning set of questions, in which to test a candidate's suitability
James: And what questions would these be sir?
Henry: Well the first question is, do you like City Truro
James: (To Thomas) Dismissed Lt. (Thomas exits) "Do you like City Truro?" Indeed a cunning question. To which my answer would be, yes! I love them! Especially the amusing kicks
(Thomas sticks his head round the dug-out's entrance)
Thomas: Funny sir! Cause I thought...
James: Goodbye Thomas!
Henry: And the section is do you like music hall?
James: Ah yes, another brilliant question. To which my answer would be yes! Absolutely love it sir! (Starts singing in a cockney accent) "Whoops! Mr. Breeching, 'Ow's ya axes an' knives!"
Henry: Yes, well if a candidate said yes to both of those questions, I'd assume that they were the perfect for the jo...WAIT A MINUTE! Without knowing it captain, you've shown me that you can do the job
James: Have I sir?
Henry: Yes sir! You have sir! And I want you to start work straight away. Let's say a couple of shows over this weekend and hopefully we'll start you off in Suddery, well, next Monday
James: Oh dash!
Henry: Now if you need help with backstage and so on, I'll lend you my driver if you want (Calls) Bob!
(Enter a young female girl)
Bob: (Militaristically.) Driver Bob Holden reporting for duty sir!
Henry: Stand easy Bob! Stand easy. Captain James, this is Bob Holden
James: Bob?
Bob: Good morning sir!
James: Unusual name for a girl
Henry: Well it would be an unusual name for a girl. But it's a pretty straight forward name for a young chap like you, eh, Bob? Now Bob I want you to bunk up with the captain here for a few days
Bob: Yes sir
Henry: I think you two'll get along James, he has a splendid sense of humour
James: He sir? He? HE?
Henry: You see! You're laughing already! If you two have got some spare time, you could get to know each other. Play a game of cribbage
(Henry departs)
James: So, you're a chap are you Bob Holden?
Bob: Oh yes sir. Hahaha! Grrrrr!
James: Well, let me put it another way Bob, You ARE a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a lion in dark sunglasses trying to get into a 'Wildcat Only' golf club! And I'm gonna tell, right now
Bob: Oh no sir! Please don't give me away! I just wanted to be like my brothers and sign up. I wanted to see how a war is thought, so badly
James: Well, you've come to the right place Bob! A war hasn't been fought this badly since Baxter the Insane, high chief of all the Vikings, accidently ordered 500,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside
Bob: I want to do my bit for the boys sir!
James: oh really?
Bob: I'll do anything sir
James: Yes, but I'd keep that to myself if I were you Ok Bob?
Scene 2: The dug out
(Bob and James are sorting through the acts)
James: Right Bob. Th second half starts with Private Mavis and Toby as "The Three Silly Twerps". The big joke being there's only two of them
(Percy chuckles)
Percy: I know that, it always cracks me up, sir.
James: Followed by Percy's impression of City Truro
(Percy put's on a bowler hat)
Yes, Bob take a telegram will you?
Bob: Yes sir
James: City Truro
Great West Studios, Swindon
Congrats. STOP. Found only men in world less funny than you. STOP. Name: Percy. STOP. Yours Captain James. Oh and put a P.S. Please, please, please. STOP. Then we have ladies and gentlemen, the highlight of our show
Percy: Ta-da...
(Enter Thomas wearing a frock)
Thomas: I feel fantastic!
James: Gorgeous Tomelia. The traditional soldier's drag act
Percy: You look absolutely lovely, sir.
James: Percy, the Lt. looks like what all troopers look on these occasions as feninate as W.G. Grace! At least you've made an effort with the dress, what about your costume Percy?
Percy: I'm in it, sir.
James: I see, so you City Truro costume consists only of that hat
Percy: Yay sir. (Get's out a matchbox) Except that in this box, I've a dead slug as a brilliant false moustache.
James: How are you to attach it to your face?
Percy: Well, I was hoping to persuade the slug to cling on, sir.
James: Percy, the slug is dead. If it failed to cling on to life, I see no reason why it should cling on to your upper lip
Thomas: Percy, slugs are always a problem. What you want to do is to screw your face up like this, so you can clamp it between your top lip an' ya nose
Percy: What? Like this, sir? (Percy screws his face up and tilts his head backwards)
Thomas: That's it! Sir, sir, there's a visitor to see you
James: (Being sarcastic) Good lord, Mr. Truro! This is indeed an honour! This calls for some sort of celebration. Percy! Percy!
Thomas: Sir! That is extraordinary because this isn't Truro at all! This IS Percy!
Percy: It is, it's *me*, sir!
James: I know, I know. I was in fact being sarcastic
Thomas: Oh!
James: everything goes over you head doesn't it Thomas? You should go to Spain and become a limbo dancer
Scene 3: Opening night
(Applause. James is counting box office money. While Bob has watched Thomas finished performing)
Bob: They love him, sir. We're a hit!
James: Yes, within the span of one night, I've become the most successful impersonation since the manager of the Canadian Pacific Railway decided to put Brits and Yanks on the same bill
Percy: Sir, some people seem to think I was best! Do you agree?
James: Percy, there are tribes in the Amazon untouched by civilization that have developed more convincing City Truro impressions than yours
Bob: He's coming off
(Thomas enters through the curtain carrying a bouquet of flowers)
Thomas: What do you think, Bob, one more? God, I love attention! (goes off stage to join James and company) It's in my blood and in my soul! Percy put these in some water will you? Well what'd you think captain. I know I was hopeless wasn't I?
(Percy dunks the flowers into the vase upside-down)
Thomas: I need that applause in the same way that a osler needs his osle.
Bob: Well done, sir!
James: Well...
Thomas: Now, you're just trying to be nice sir, but I can take it. I mean I was hopeless wasn't I sir?
James: Well...
Thomas: Come now, be brutally honest
James: Thomas...you were completely awful!
(Thomas breaks into heavy sobs)
But you can't argue with the box office! Personally I thought you were the worst impressionist since Catch Me Who Can went through Rocket's lunch box and ate his coal. But since I'm in a minority, look out Suddery! Here we come...
Scene 4: Staff HQ
(Oliver is sitting at his desk. Enter James)
James: Ah, Oliver!
Oliver: Ah, Jamie. I must say James I had the most splendid evening
James: I'm glad you enjoyed the show
Oliver: The show? I didn't go to the show. I had important regimental business to take care of
James: A lorry load of paperclips arrive?
Oliver: Two lorry loads actually
(Enter Henry)
Henry: Welcome to the great director! Maestro!
James: You enjoyed it then sir?
Henry: Well it was mostly awful, but I did enjoy the slug balancer
James: Private Percy sir?
Henry: Yes, the slug fell off a couple times, but you can't have everything can you! I just suggest a little more practice and perhaps a little sparkly costume for the slug
James: I'll pass that on sir
Henry: But I saw the show as nothing but a triumph! Now, Oliver has all your all your travel arrangements, rooms at the Ritz and so on
James: Oh
Henry: However, there is one thing you can do for me
James: (Uneasy) Yes
Henry: Captain James, I would considerate a single honour, if you would let me escort your leading lady to the regimental ball this evening
James: My leading lady?
Henry: The fair Tomelia
James: Ah yes sir! Very amusing
Henry: Do you think she'll laugh in my face? I'm too old, too crusty?
James: No sir, it's just that as her director I don't think that I could allow it
Henry: I could always find another director who WOULD allow it
James: Well quite. But I insist sir that she'd be home by midnight and there is to be no hanky-panky of any sort
Henry: I will of course respect your wishes captain. But I don't think you have to be so protective. I think you'll find she a great deal more spunk than most do men you find!
James: Well...quite, sir
Scene 4: The dug-out
(Thomas is still wearing his frock)
Thomas: Absolutely not sir! It profoundly immoral and totally wrong! I shall not do it
James: We could always find another leading lady
Thomas: Well the dress will need a clean
James: Excellent. Now, there are three things you must do to make the general in no way suspect that you are a jack. The first is never remove your wig. Secondly don't say anything. I've told him that you're saving your voice for the opening night in Suddery
Thomas: And what's the third?
James: The third is simple. Don't get drunk and let him do perverted things to you on the ground!
Scene 6: Staff HQ
(Henry is putting on his dinner jacket with Oliver at his side)
Henry: How do I look Oliver?
Oliver: Girl bait sir!
Henry: Whiskers: springy enough?
Oliver: Absolutely sir. You'll be combing girls out of them for weeks
Henry: It's a gorgeous beautiful world and tonight's my night. I know exactly what I say to her. "I want to make you happy Oliver, I want to build a nest for your tiny toes. I want to cover every inch of your gorgeous body in pepper, and then...sneeze all over you!"
(Oliver is starting to feel sick)
Oliver: Sir, please! No more sir!
Henry: What is the matter with you today Oliver?!
Scene 8: The dug out
(James is still waiting for Thomas)
James: Where is that Thomas? It's three o clock in morning! He was supposed to be back three hours ago. He should be careful walking the trenches at night with nothing to protect his honour but a cricket bat
(Enter Thomas)
Thomas: Hullo captain
James: It's about time! Where have you been?
Thomas: Oh, it was all like a dream really, my very first ball. The candles, the music, the dancing
James: So, old Henry try for a snog behind the fruit punch did he?
Thomas: Certainly not! The general acted like a perfect gentlemen. We tired the night away with our talk of everything and nothing. The war, marriage, proposed changes to the LBW rule
James: (Concerned) Henry isn't married is he?
Thomas: Oh no sir. All of his life he's waited for someone special to come along and tonight, she did
James: So some poor do men had old walrus face dribbling in her ear all evening
Thomas: Now that you've come to mention it, I did have to drape a napkin over my shoulder
James: Thomas, are you trying to tell me that you are the general's perfect mate?
Thomas: (Thomas looks coy) Well, I suppose I am
James: Well just be lucky the old blighter didn't ask you to marry him
(Thomas looks coy again)
HE DID!? How did you get out of that one?
Thomas: I'm not at all sure I did sir
James: What!
Thomas: You didn't know what it was like sir
James: YOU SAID YES!?
Thomas: But, it was all so magical. And when we went out on the balcony, looked into that star strewn sky, those springy whiskers. Then he looked me in the eyes and said, "Kitty, I love you"
James: KITTY!?
Thomas: Yes sir, he say's my nose looks just like a kitty's
James: Oh God! We're in serious trouble. If the general were to find out that gorgeous Tomelia was in fact a six-footer from the rough end of the trench, it could put forward the fastest execution since someone said, "This Dodge bloke, do we let him off or what?"
(Field telephone rings)
James: Hullo?...Yes sir, straight away sir. (Hangs up) That was your fiancee...Kitty! He want's to see me. If I should die, think only this of me...I'll be back to get you!
Scene 9: Staff HQ
(Oliver is standing next to a desk to where Henry is sitting at. Enter James)
James: Sir, I can explain everything
Henry: Can you captain? Can you?
James: Well...not really
Henry: I thought not, I thought not. Who could explain the mysteries of love. I in love with Tomelia, I'm going to marry her on Saturday and I want you to be my best man
James: Well, before you continue sir, I must tell that...there's something wrong with fiancee sir
Henry: Oh my God, she's Russian is she?
James: No sir. This is a sad story but true. Just a minute ago, Tomelia arrived unexpectedly in my trench. She was dancing with joy as if something wonderful had happened to her
Henry: (To Oliver) Makes sense
James: Unfortunately, she was in such a daze that she danced over the top of the trench and straight out into No Men's Land. Before I could yell, "Don't tread on a mine," She trod on a mine
Henry: NO!
James: Well, it was actually a cluster of mines and she was rocketed up into the air. And she said something, not completely comprehensive to me. Something like, tell him his little...kitty will love him forever
Henry: Oh, Howl! Howl! Howl!
Oliver: Oh that's heart breaking sir!
James: I'm sorry sir
Henry: (Suddenly perking up) Oh well, can't be helped
Oliver: Bad luck isn't it sir?
Henry: Hey ho
Oliver: (To James) Because with out your leading lady, you won't be able to put on a show. So, no show, no Suddery Palladium
James: On the contrary, I simply have to rename it, "The Tomelia-Stanier memorial show"
Henry: Oh No! Tomelia was the only thing that made the show come alive. Apart from her it was all awful
James: Awful?
Henry: You'll never find another girl like Tomelia by tomorrow
James: That's where you're wrong sir, because I think I have
Henry: Who is she?
Oliver: Who is she?
Scene 10: The dug out
(Thomas and James are sitting at a table conversing)
Thomas: So c'mon sir, who is she?
James: Well that's the problem isn't it? I haven't a bloody clue! I haven't even got a clue, which is less than a clue
Thomas: So, we're a bit stuck are we?
(Enter Bob)
Bob: Mornin' chaps!
Thomas: Morning Bob
James: Morning Bob. You can say that again Thom, We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky, the stick insect, got stuck on a sticky bun
(Enter Percy wearing a dress)
Percy: Not anymore sir. May I present my cunning plan
James: Don't be ridiculous, Percy. Can you sing, can you dance? Or are you offering to be sawn in half?
Percy: I don't think those things are important in a modern marriage, sir. I offer simple home cooking
James: Percy, our plan is to find another leading lady for our show, what is your plan?
Percy: My plan is that I will marry General Henry. I am the other woman
Thomas: Well, congrats Private! I hope you two will be very happy together
Percy: I will, sir, cause when I get back from honeymoon, I will be a member of the Crewe friends and you will have to call me 'Milady'
James: What happened to your revolutionary principles Percy? I thought you hated the friends of Crewe
Percy: I'm working to bring down the system from within, sir. I'm a sort of a frozen horse. Any how I don't see what it be wrong to marry for money and not having to sleep in the puddle
James: First of all it Trojan Horse Percy and No! It's the worst plan since Ogmund the Smart decided, "Oh, I'm sick of fighting round the house tonight. Let's go take in a show." Secondly, the general is in mourning for the woman of his dreams. He's not going to be in the mood to marry a green hair idiot wrapped in a curtain. And lastly, we're looking for a great entertainer. And you're the worst entertainer since Dorchester the evangelist toured Canadian Pacific with his drinking act
Thomas: What about Corporal Harvey Dubs?
James: Harvey is a Raj. I've heard of the Métis, but the Intis just isn't on
Thomas: Barford?
James: Too short
Thomas: Kattlepot?
James: Too weak
Thomas: Neil?
James: Too old
Thomas: Godred
James: Too dead
Thomas: Sergeant Derek Paxmen?
James: Too gassed. Oh I give up! There just isn't anyone!
(They hear Bob singing)
Bob: Goodbyyyyeeeee
Goodbyyyyeeeee
Wipe the tear,
Baby dear,
From your eyyyyeeeee
James: What am I thinking? Bob!
(Enter Bob)
Bob: Sir?
Thomas: What a splendid notion sir! Bob, can you think of anyone who can be our leading lady
Scene 11: The theatre
(Thomas, Percy and James are backstage. Enter Bob)
Thomas: What do you think Bob? One more?
Bob: No Thom, always leave them hungry
James: I've got to admit Bob, I thought you were marvellous
Bob: Thank you sir. Permission to slip into something less comfortable
James: Permission granted
(Exit Bob)
Percy: Oh sir, it's going to be wonderful. Not just for me, but for my little partner, Graham. Doing our tour halfway 'round the world.
James: Yes, from the Suddery Palladium to Roadway they'll be saying, "I like the little black one, but who's the little green thing he's sitting on?"
Percy: I'm not with you, sir.
James: But don't worry, I'll have a lifetime in luxurious hotels to explain. Now you two get packing. The boat leaves at six and we're going to be on it
(Percy and Thomas exit. Percy leaves the dead slug behind. Enter Oliver)
Oliver: Jimmy
James: Ah Oliver! everything ok?
Oliver: (Unusually happy) Oh yes
James: Got the tickets?
Oliver: Oh yes
(Enter Henry)
Henry: James!
James: Hullo sir, enjoy the show?
Henry: Don't be ridiculous! It was the worst evening I spent in my life!
(James backs away)
James: I'm sorry sir
Henry: Will you stand still while I'm talking to you! If by a mens work shall ye know him. Then you are a complete scoundrel!
James: But sir, the show was a success
Henry: A SUCCESS!? The three silly twerps were one twerp short...again! The slug balancer seems to be now ding a feeble impression of Thomas Edison the Thief! And then the crowning blockage in the water pipe, the revolting drag act at the end!
James: Drag act?
Henry: Yes, poor Bobby Holden hade to look a total tender. With all that reedy voice singing and stupid feminate dancing
Oliver: So the show's cancelled (Oliver rips up tickets)
James: But what about the men's morale with the Southern out of the war?
Henry: Have you been living in a cave? The Great Western Railway joined the war yesterday
James: And how will that increase the men's, morale sir?
Henry: Because they've brought with them, the largest collection City Truro films in existence! Oh, I'm sick of talking to you, fill him in Oliver
(Exit Henry)
Oliver: We received a telegram from City Truro himself from studios. (Reading) "Twice nightly screening of films in trenches excellent idea. STOP. But must insist, that Captain James be projectionist. STOP." Oh and there's a P.S "Don't let him ever. STOP."
James: Oh
Oliver: No hard feelings eh, Jimmy?
James: Of course not Oliver. (Sees Percy's slug matchbox) Care for a liquorish allsort?
Oliver: Oh thank you! (Oliver takes the dead slug and eats it. A big smile creeps across James's face)
THE END
thegoldsaddletank- Thank you, praising of those parody, which of course funny beside the rest the ha ha is that use different main character for make it more amusing, that I cant stand star-billing blue bugger hog the series by using others to be star which is more funny than one star character