Parody of Thomas the tank engine & Friends season 4
I don't own either Blackdder and Thomas the Tank Engine
Sorry for any of those felt insulted because it is a parody that dose not make no sense at all!
James Goes Forth
Main starring
James the Red Engine as Captain James Redadder
Thomas the Tank Engine as Lieutenant Thomas St. Matthias Brighton
Percy the Small Engine as Private Percy Small
Henry the Green Engine as General Henry Green "Inanity" Stanier
Oliver the Second Great Western Engine as Captain Oliver Great Western
"General Hospital"
"Ordered to find a spy in the hospital, James discovers a man with a strong Skarie accent, a beautiful nurse and a chance for three weeks in bed."
Guest Starring:
Emily the Beautiful Engine as Nurse Emily of Haultraugh
Whiff the Garbage Engine as Brigadier General Stinky Whiff Areolite
(Thomas, James and Percy are in their room in the trenches)
Thomas: I spy with my little eye (he looks behind his shoulder and sees a mug) something beginning with 'M'.
Percy: Erm...
Thomas: (encouraging) MMM...
Percy: Erm...
Thomas: (encouraging) MMM... (he bobs his head down to within inches of the mug a few times)
Percy: Mmm...
(this carries on for a while)
Thomas: MMMuh... (he picks up the mug and holds it in front of him)
Percy: Mmm...
James: (wishing he could read his book in peace; can't stand this carrying on any longer; shouts) MUG!
Thomas: Oh, I say, well done, sir. Your turn.
James: I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with 'T'.
Percy: Breakfast!
James: What?
Percy: My breakfast always begins with tea, and I have a little sausage, and a egg with some little soldiers.
James: Percy, when I said it begins with 'T', I was talking about a letter.
Percy: Nah, it never begins with a letter - the postman don't come 'til 10.30.
James: I can't go on with this. (stands) Thomas, take over.
Thomas: All right, sir. Erm, I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'R'.
Percy: (raises his arm, even though he's the only one playing now) Army!
James: For God's sake, Percy! 'Army' starts with an 'A'. He's looking for something that starts with an 'R'. RRRrrrrr!
Percy: Motorbike!
James: What?
Percy: A motorbike starts with a 'RRRRRrrrrrrrrrm! RRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr–'
James: All right, right, right, right. My turn again. What begins with 'Come here' and ends with 'Ow'?
Percy: I don't know.
James: Come here.
(Percy moves closer to James; James punches Percy in the face)
Percy: Ow! (falls to the ground)
James: Well done.
Thomas: No (laughs), I don't think you've quite got the hang of this game, to be honest, sir. I tell you what, let's try another one. Erm, I hear with my little ear, er, something beginning with 'B'.
James: What?
Thomas: Bomb.
James: I can't hear a bomb.
Thomas: Listen very carefully.
(a bomb approaching whistle is heard)
James: Ah yes.
(The bomb explodes)
(in hospital; Thomas is wounded from that bomb and is talking to Nurse Emily about a letter he's writing; Emily is massaging his foot)
Thomas: Finished.
Emily: Come on, then.
Thomas: All right, and then you can tell me what you think, but be honest, now.
Emily: (giggly) I will!
Thomas: All right, then. (reads) "Dear Uncle Duke., how are you?" (Nurse laughs) Yeah, it's good isn't it? Erm, "It's menly rotten luck being laid up here, but everyone's very nice, and at least now I can write to you every day." Oh, ahem, then I put in that silly bit about, er...
Emily: What? What?
Thomas: No, it's, er...
Emily: Oh, come on, you can tell me.
Thomas: "And the nurse is an absolute peach." (buries his face in the letter, embarrassed) Anyway, "After the explosion, Captain James was marvelous. He joked and joked. 'You lucky lucky lucky bastard!' he cried. Then he lay on his back, stuck his foot over the top of the trench, and shouted, 'Over here, Midgets! What about me? What about me?' "
Emily: Well, Captain Jimmy does indeed sound a most witty and courageous chap.
Thomas: Yes, and he's very amusing and brave, as well. Not to mention he's as clever as a chap with three heads!
(Emily stands, ruffles Thomas's hair and fluffs his pillows)
Thomas: Thanks ever so much. You really are terribly kind, as well as being dash pretty to boot.
Emily: (having retrieved a toy sword from behind the pillows) Oh dear. A fluffy pillow and a big cheery smile is the least my lovely boyses deserve. (gives Thomas a toy sword) Now, you take a little trip to Dozeyland. (Thomas takes the toysword and begins sucking his thumb) You've got visitors coming, and we don't want to be all tired and cross, do we?
Thomas: Absolutely not, no. It'll be so jolly to see Percy and the cap again. They'll have been worried sick about me, you know.
(James and Percy enter)
James: All right, where is the malingering git?
Thomas: Hello, Cap! Pip pip, Folees! Here I lie.
Percy: Nice to see the lieutenant looking so well, sir.
James: Of course he's looking well - there's nothing wrong with him.
Thomas: Pff! (to Emily) Didn't I tell you the captain was a super correlation!
Emily: (bubbly) You did! (stands) Well, Captain, you are indeed fortunate to have a loyal friend like darling Tommy.
James: Mm, I think you might be under a slight misapprehension here, Nurse. I lost closer friends than 'Darling Tommy' the last time I was deloused. Now, if you will excuse me, I've got better things to do than exchange pleasantries with a wet blanket. Would you get out?
(Emily is agape)
James: We've got some important military business...
Emily: Well, ten minutes only, then. (leaves)
James: Right, pork face, where's the grub? (sits in bedside chair)
Thomas: Pardon?
James: Come on, the moment that collection of inbred human you call your relatives heard you were sick, they'll have sent you a hamper the size of Tidmouth.
Thomas: My family is not inbred!
James: Come on, somewhere outside Maithwaite there's an uncle who's seven feet tall with no chin and an Adam's apple that makes him look as though he's constantly trying to swallow a ballcock.
Thomas: I have not got any uncles like that! Anyway, he lives in Hackenbeck.
James: Well, exactly. Now; where's the tuck?
Thomas: Well, there were one or two things, yes. There was, er, a potted turkey, a red jelly, three tinned fish, and, er, twelve hundred chocolates. But, in my weakened state...
James: Yes?
Thomas: I, er, I ate them.
James: What?
Thomas: Well, Nurse Emily nibbled a trotter or two, but... Oh, Cap, she's such a wonderful maid. She helps me with all my letters, she can do all the Skaries spelling and she's terribly good at punctuation.
James: I don't care if she can sing 'I May Be a Tiny Chimney Sweep, But I've Got an Enormous Brush'. Come on, Percy - the only thing we're going to get for free around here is dysentery.
Percy: (softly) But, sir, I haven't given Lieutenant Thomas my bunch of flowers yet.
James: Alright, hurry up, hurry up.
Percy: Here you are, sir, I got you these. (holds up some flower stems, sans the actual flowers) Unfortunately, they've had their heads shot off.
James: Whereas you say it with flowers, Percy says it with stalks.
(Emily enters during that line)
Emily: Well, Captain, I'm afraid you'll have to leave us now.
James: Oh really?
Emily: Yes. You must report to General Henry immediately.
James: Oh great - yet another tempting opportunity for suicide beckons.
Thomas: Gosh, I wish I could come with you, you know, sir.
Emily: Oh no, you must take care, my brave hero. (puts hand on his forehead)
James: 'Brave hero', Nurse? I was more wounded the last time I clipped my toenails.
Emily: (to Thomas) Take no notice of him.
James: (in a sarcastically sympathetic voice) Yes, pay no attention to the nasty men.
Emily: Look, If I can't give my brave boys a kind word and a big smile, what can I give them?
James: Well, one or two ideas do suggest themselves - but you'd probably think they were unhygienic.
(Emily leaves in huff, while another patient, a short stubby man with green, dirty, greasy hair, huge glasses and flies buzzing around, limps in)
James: Come on, Percy. (turns to Garbage Man Stinky Whiff Areolite) Hello, what's your name?
Whiff: My name is Mr Garbage Man Stinky Whiff Areolite.
James: I'm sorry that you've been landed opposite to such a total git, Whiff. It's bad enough to be wounded without having to share a ward with banana brain.
Whiff: Yes sir, yes sir - I shall make myself comfortable.
James: (slightly puzzled) Yes... (leaves)
(in Henry's office)
(knock at door)
Henry: Enter.
(James comes in, but finds the room apparently empty)
James: (puts his hat down on the desk corner) Hello?
(The camera view changes to just behind the other side of the desk. It's the view of a person. James turns round and the view ducks completely behind the desk for a moment before peeking up again. Across the room, the legs behind a large map include human legs in uniform. James approaches the map. The person through whose eyes we're witnessing this comes out from behind the desk and follows James across the room, and starts to breathe heavily. James sees a panel in the map and slides it open, revealing General Henry's face. Just then, our eyes' owner, Captain Oliver, jumps James from behind. The camera view changes. Oliver is holding his revolver as he forces James to the fireplace, where a fire is burning.)
Oliver: Right! Spread 'em! (he frisks James, taking away his gun; he speaks to Henry) Right, he's clear, sir.
Henry: Beah!
James: Can anyone tell me what's going on?
Oliver: Security, James...
James: Security?
Henry: (coming out from behind the map) 'Security' isn't a dirty word, James. 'Crevice' is a dirty word, but 'security' isn't.
James: So, in the name of security, sir, everyone who enters the room has to have his bottom fondled by this drooling stinky greasy pervert.
Oliver: Only doing my job, James...
James: Oh, well, how lucky you are, then, that your job is also your hobby.
Henry: Now there's another dirty word: 'job'!
James: Sir, is there something the matter?
Henry: You're damn right there is something the matter. (heads for desk) Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right here under my very nose. (sits behind desk)
James: (protesting) Sir, your moustache is lovely...
Oliver: What the General means, James, is: There's a leak.
Henry: Now 'leak' is a positively disgusting word.
Oliver: The Skaries seem to be able to anticipate our every move. We send up an aeroplane, there's a Shrimps squadron parked behind the nearest cloud; we move troops to Peel Godred, the Skaries have bought the whole town's supply of lavatory paper. In short: A Skaries spy is giving away every one of our battle plans.
Henry: You look surprised, James.
James: I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans.
Henry: Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?
James: Our battles are directed, sir?
Henry: Well, of course they are, James - directed according to the Grand Plan.
James: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until every-one's dead except Field Marshal Chubby Ass Hatt, Lady Hatt and their cat, Lonestar?
Henry: Great Scott! (stands) Even you know it! Guard! Guard! Bolt all the doors; hammer large pieces of crooked wood against all the windows! This security leak is far worse than we'd imagined!
Oliver: So you see, James, Field Marshal Hatt is most anxious to eliminate all these Narrow spies.
Henry: Filthy Skies weasels fighting their dirty underhand war!
Oliver: And, fortunately, one of *our* spies-
Henry: Splendid fellows, brave heroes, risking life and limb for Shedy!
Oliver: ...has discovered that the leak is coming from the Field Hospital.
James: You think there's a Skaries spy in the Field Hospital? I think you might be right, there.
Henry: Your job, James, is to root this spy out. How long do you think you'll need?
James: (looks at his watch) Ooh, er...
Henry: You'll have to be away from the trenches for some time.
James: Six months?
Oliver: No, James - you've got three weeks.
Henry: Yes, three weeks to smoke the bugger out! Use any method you see fit. Personally, I'd recommend you get hold of a bear, tie your suspect down on a chair, with a potty on his head, then pop his todger between two flowery lamps and shout, "Dinnertime, fuzzy!" However, if you are successful, I shall need you back here permanently, to head up my new security network, Operation Winkle.
James: Winkle?
Henry: Yes - to winkle out the spies.
Oliver: (upset that he wasn't offered the position) You never mentioned this to me, sir!
Henry: Well, we have to have some secrets, don't we, Oliver...
James: Right, well, I'll be back in three weeks. (takes his hat and revolver)
Henry: Excellent. And if you come back with the information, Captain Oliver will pump you thoroughly in the debriefing room.
James: Not while I have my strength, he won't. (exits, as Oliver points at him angrily)
Oliver: Damnation, sir! His insolence makes my blood boil! Once more, I don't trust him, sir. I think it would be best if I went to the hospital myself, to keep an eye on him.
Henry: What, spy on our own spy as he searches for their spy? Yes, why not? - sounds rather fun. You'll have to go under cover...
Oliver: Oh, definitely, sir.
Henry: You'll need some sort of wound, a convincing wound...
Oliver: Naturally, sir.
Henry: Yes. (grab a peacemaker revolver and shoots Oliver in the foot; Oliver screams and falls down, his hand weakly poking up from behind the side of the desk) Yes, that looks quite convincing. (Oliver's hand finally falls behind the desk)
(back in the room at the trenches)
James: Right, pack me a toothbrush, Percy - we're going on holiday.
Percy: Hurray! Where to?
James: Hospital.
Percy: Oh, no, I hate hospitals. My grandfather went into one, and when he come out, he was dead.
James: He was also dead when he went in, Percy. He'd been run over by a traction engine.
Percy: I don't like them doctors. If they start poking around inside me-
James: Percy, why would anyone wish to poke around inside you?
Percy: They might find me interesting.
James: Percy, I find the Canadian National Sewage System interesting, but that doesn't mean that I want to put on some rubber gloves and pull things out if it with a pair of tweezers.
Percy: Still, I tell you what, sir, you might have a chance to get to know that pretty nurse. (tries to make a cute face)
James: No, thank you, Percy. She's as wet as a fish's wet bits. I'd rather get to know you.
Percy: I'm not available, sir. I'm waiting for Miss Right to come along and gather me up in her arms.
James: Yes, I wouldn't be too hopeful - we'd have to get her arms out of a straightjacket first. Now get packing!
(at hospital; Thomas is writing another letter, and reading it out to Emily and Whiff)
Whiff: So very interesting! Please do continue.
Thomas: Right, then I go on to say, "The orders came through for us to advance at 0800 hours in a pincer movement."
Emily: Gosh, how exciting!
Thomas: Yes, well, hmm...
(enter James)
James: 'afternoon, Thomas.
Thomas: Ah, hello, Cap!
Emily: Ah, Captain. I hope you're going to conduct yourself with a little more decorum this time.
James: No, I am going to conduct myself with no decorum. Shove off!
(Emily leaves in a huff; James waves his hat at Whiff, to make him leave the bedside)
Whiff: Good day, sir captain! Good day!
Thomas: So, Cap, what's going on?
James: Well, there's a Skaries spy in the hospital and it's my job to find him.
Thomas: A Ver-? Well, snakes alive! Exciting stuff, eh? Wait a minute; I think I might have a plan already.
James: What is it?
Thomas: Well, have a look through the list of patients and see if there's anyone here whose name begins with 'S'. Well, it's almost bound to be your bloke!
James: I think we may find that he's using a false name, actually, Thomas.
Thomas: Oh, crikey. Well, that's hardly fair, now, is it...
Percy: I, too, have a cunning plan to catch the spy, sir.
James: Do you, Percy, do you...
Percy: You go round the hospital and ask everyone, "Are you a Skaries spy?"
James: Yes, I must say, Percy, I appreciate your involvement on the creative side.
Percy: If it was me, I'd own up.
James: Of course you would. But, sadly, the enemy have not added to the Skaries Army Entrance Form the requirement "Must have intellectual capacity of a boiled potato." Now, Percy, see that smelly one over there?
(looks at Whiff, with flies still around)
Percy: Yeah.
(Whiff looking at them through field glasses; he waves)
James: I want you to stick to him like a limpet, and make sure he doesn't leave the hospital.
Percy: Yes, sir.
(As Percy walks across to Whiff's bed, Oliver hobbles in, with help from a cane)
James: Hello, Oliver. What are you doing here?
Oliver: Bullet in the foot.
James: Well, I can understand people at the front trying to shoot themselves in the foot, but when you're 35 miles behind the line...
Oliver: I did not shoot myself. The General did it.
James: Well! Finally got fed up with you, did he?
Oliver: No; it was a mistake.
James: Oh, he was aiming for your head...
Oliver: He wasn't aiming for anything.
James: Oh, so he was going for between your legs, then.
Oliver: Very funny, James, you'll be laughing on the other side of your face if you don't find this spy.
James: Don't you worry, Oliver. I intend to start interviewing suspects immediately.
(later, in another room in the hospital; Oliver is tied to a chair, with a potty on his head)
Oliver: This is completely ridiculous, James! You can't suspect me. I've only just arrived.
James: The first rule of counterespionage, Oliver, is to suspect everyone. Believe me, I shall be asking myself pretty searching questions later on. Now, tell me: What is the colour of the Lord's favourite hat?
Oliver: How the Hit should I know?
James: I see. Well, let me ask you another question: What is the name of the Skaries Head of State?
Oliver: Well, Kaiser Wilson Percival, obviously.
James: (stands) So you're on first-name terms with the Kaiser, are you?
Oliver: (shouts) Well, what did you expect me to say?
James: Oliver, Oliver, shhh... (offers) Cigarette?
Oliver: (as James puts cigarette in his mouth and begins to light it) Thank you.
(pause)
James: (suddenly knocks the cigarette out of Oliver's mouth) All right, you stinking piece of crap!
Oliver: I beg your pardon?
James: Shut your shit hole, sonny boy - I know you! Tell me, Ollie: What was it finally won you over, eh? Was it the slate, or was it the thought of hanging around with little guys in slaughter shorts?
Oliver: I'll have you court martialed for this, James!
James: What, for obeying the general's orders? That may be what you do in Arlesburgh West– or should I say Balladwail? - but not here, Ollie! You're a filthy Narrow spy, aren't you? (calls) Percy, bring Bear, please!
Oliver: Agh! No! No, no, wait! No, look, I'm engaged! I was born in Arlesburgh West; I was educated in Arlesburgh West primary school; I've got a girlfriend called Isabel; I know the words to all six verses of Sir Topham Hatt!
James: (enjoying this) Eight verses...
Oliver: Eight verses! Eight verses! I meant eight verses! Look, I'm as North Western as Lord Awdry's glasses.
James: So your father's Narrow, you're half Narrow, and you married a Narrow?
Oliver: (crying) No! No! Look, for God's sake, I'm not a Skaries spy!
James: Good. Thanks very much. Send in the next one, would you?
(Emily enters)
Emily: What is all this noise about? Don't you realise this is a hospital?
Oliver: (stands, still tied to the chair) You'll regret this, James. You'd better find the real spy or I'll make it very hard for you.
James: (protesting) Please, Oliver - there are ladies present.
Oliver: Oh shut up! You bloody bastard!
(Oliver waddles out. Emily takes the potty off his head as he goes. Somewhere down the hallway, a crash is heard accompanied by a scream from Oliver. Emily closes the door.)
Emily: Well, well, Captain James, this is an unexpected pleasure.
James: What?
Emily: Nice to have you back with us. A spy-catcher, eh? Huh! That silly kid Thomas was right - you are a bally hero.
James: Wait a minute. I thought you liked Thomas.
Emily: That's just my bedside manner. What I call my 'fluffy bunny act'.
James: So you're not a drip after all.
Emily: Oh, no. So, Mr Spycatcher, how's it going?
James: Well, not much luck so far. I think he might be as difficult to find as a ball in a massive stack full of coal.
Emily: So you're going to be around for quite a while, then.
James: Looks like it.
Emily: Good, because, er, it can get pretty lonely round here, you know. Good, it's nice to have someone healthy to talk to. (offers) Cigarette?
James: No, thank you. I only smoke cigarettes after making love. So, back in Maron, I'm a twenty-a-day men.
Emily: (blows smoke in James's face) A men should smoke. It acts as an expectorant and gives his voice a deep, gravely, masculine tone.
James: God, I love nurses - they're so disgustingly clinical!
Emily: Tell me, Captain James...
James: James.
Emily: James. When this war is over do you think we might get to know each other a little better?
James: Yes, why not? When this madness is finished, perhaps we could go cycling together, take a trip down to the Gordon at Maron and go for a walk in the woods.
Emily: Yes, or we could just do it right now on the desk.
James: (looks at the desk) Yeah, OK.
(in the ward; Whiff hobbles in hurriedly, followed immediately by Percy)
Thomas: Ah, Percy. Have you seen Nurse Emily? I need someone to post this letter.
Percy: She's in the office with the captain, sir.
Thomas: Ah, poor girl - tied to her desk, day and night...
(James enters)
Thomas: Ah, Cap! I hear you've been seeing a lot of Nurse Emily.
James: Yes, almost all of her, in fact.
Thomas: How is she, sir?
James: Unbelievable!
Thomas: (motions James to come closer, then speaks softly) What I really want to know is, are you any closer to finding the spy?
James: Yes, I think I'm getting there, Thomas. (looks across, calls) Everything all right, Whiff?
Whiff: (Percy is in bed with him, reading a Punch magazine) Oh, yes, excellent, excellent.
James: Jolly good. (leaves)
Thomas: Smelly, you haven't seen any suspicious characters hanging around, have you, who might be Narrow spies?
Whiff: Er, no, nobody suspicious…
Thomas: (bewildered) Nobody?! Well, the cap's got his work cut out, then.
(in the office, Emily and James are in bed; James is smoking)
Emily: Tell me, James: Do you have someone special in your life?
James: Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Emily: Who?
James: Me.
Emily: No, I mean someone you love, cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt.
James: Erm... Still me, really.
Emily: No, but, back home, at home, there must be someone waiting - some sweetheart.
James: Oh, a girl... Nah. I've always been a soldier - married to the army. The book of Lord's Regulations is my mistress, possibly with a Hiro's lingerie catalogue discreetly tucked between the pages.
Emily: And no casual girlfriends...?
James: Skirt? Hah! If only... When I joined up, we were still fighting colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt, you shot him and nicked his country. What about you? Have you got a mate? Some fine fellow in an west country village? A doctor, maybe? Quiet, gentle, hung like a gentlemen...
Emily: There was a mate I cared for allot, Colonel Montague Duck Great Western of Haultraugh'. Wonderful chap; strong, athletic...
James: What happened to him?
Emily: He bought it.
James: I'm so sorry; I didn't realise that was the arrangement. (stands, goes to desk) Erm, so what's it been? Twelve nights, let's say nine afternoons... How much is-? Oh, and a couple of mornings...
Emily: I mean he been sent home, wounded. Received letter from his half brother Captain Oliver Great Western.
James: (apologizing only for his actions - not the wounded) Oh, I'm sorry. Oliver is colonel's half brother?
Emily: Yes he is. He was leading one of those new tank units, and the bloody thing blew up. What a waste. God, I hope they've scrapped the lot.
James: Huh, fat chance! We're going to use one thousand Vickers Mediums and five hundred A1E1 Independents and the Small Railway using one thousand AMC Schneiders P16 and five hundred Char 2C it nearly entire corp. next week at, oh, sorry, I mustn't talk about that - you never know who might be listening. (There is a black dot, possibly a hole, in the wall behind him - possibly the location of a microphone connected to a telephone. Or maybe it's just a coincidence.)
Emily: No, of course. Oh God, I miss him so much. He was such a wonderful chap.
James: Clever, too, I expect.
Emily: Oh, brilliant and brave.
James: Went to one of the great universities, I heard: Brendam University; Tidmouth; Suddery...
Emily: Mmm... But why are we making small talk when we could be making big love?
James: Good point. This could be our last chance - my three weeks are up. I'm going back to staff HQ tomorrow. Look, why don't you come with me? It could be fun. We could have supper or something.
Emily: How about something first, then supper?
James: Good idea!
(in Henry's office; Henry enters to meet the waiting James and Emily)
Henry: Ah, hello, James...
James: Good morning, sir. Er, may I introduce Nurse Emily of Haultraugh. She's been very supportive during my work at the hospital.
Henry: How do you do, young lady? (laughs) Do sit down. (he moans in pain as he sits) So, any news of the spy, James?
James: Yes, sir.
Henry: Excellent - the Skaries seem to know every move we make! I had a letter from Skaries yesterday. It said, "Isn't it about time you changed your shirts, Fish-Smash Walrus-face?" So, do you have any ideas who it might be, young lady?
Emily: Well, sir, I'm only a humble nurse, but I did at one point think it might be Captain Oliver.
Henry: Well, bugger me with a fishfork! Old Oliver, a Skaries morse-tapper? What on Earth made you suspect him?
Emily: Well, he pooh-poohed the captain here and said that he'd never find the spy.
Henry: Is this true, James? Did Captain Oliver pooh-pooh you?
James: Well, perhaps a little.
Henry: Well then, damn it all, how much more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court-martial offence!
James: I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.
Henry: Well, I hope so, James. You know, if there's one thing I've learned from being in the army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a major: got pooh-poohed; made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh - he pooh-poohed it. Fatal error, because it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers, who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment - morale totally destroyed ...by pooh-pooh!
(Emily has begun reading an Ideas magazine. During the next line, she looks around nervously and puts the paper down, sitting on it)
James: Yes, I think we might be drifting slightly from the point here, sir, which is that, unfortunately, and to my lasting regret, Captain Oliver is not the spy.
Henry: Oh? And then who the Hit is?
Emily: Well, sir, there is a bloke in the hospital with a pronounced limp and a very strong Skarie accent. It must be him. It's obvious.
James: Obvious, but wrong. It's not him.
Henry: And why not?
James: Because, sir, not even the Skaries would be stupid enough to field a spy with a strong Skaries accent.
Emily: Well then, who is it?
James: Well, it's perfectly simple. It's you.
Emily: (gasps; stands) James!
James: (calls as he stands) Percy!
(Percy enters, pointing a rifle at Emily)
Henry: (stands) Explain yourself, James, before I have you shot for being rude to a lady.
James: Well, sir, the first seeds of suspicion were sown when Lieutenant Thomas unwittingly revealed that helped him write his letters. Do you deny, Nurse Emily of Haultraugh- or should I say Nurse Emily of Rheneas? - that you helped Lieutenant Thomas with his letters?
Emily: No, I did, but-
James: My suspicions were confirmed when she probed me expertly about tank assaults movements.
Emily: Oh, James, how could you? After all we've been through...
James: And then the final, irrefutable proof. Remember, you mentioned a clever boyfriend...
Emily: Yes.
James: I then leapt on the opportunity to test you. I asked if he'd been to one of the great universities: Brendam, Tidmouth, or Arlesdale Green...
Emily: Well?
James: You failed to spot that only two of those are great universities.
Emily: You swine!
Henry: That's right - Brendam's a complete dump!
James: Well, quite. No true North Western could have fallen into that trap.
Emily: Oh, James, I thought there was something beautiful between us. I thought you ... loved me.
James: Nah... Take her away, Percy.
Percy: Madame, I thought you love your sweet heart Colonel Duck.
(Percy takes Emily out)
Henry: Well, good work, James. Now I've got to assemble a firing squad. (while James warms himself by the fire, goes to his desk, sits and picks up the telephone)
(Whiff, in uniform, hobbles in. Oliver runs up from behind)
Oliver: Watch out, sir! (jumps on Whiff, taking his pistol)
Henry: Oliver, what on Earth do you think you're doing?
Oliver: I'll tell you exactly what I am doing, sir. I'm doing what James should have done three weeks ago, sir.
Henry: What?
Oliver: This is the guilty men!
Henry: Oliver, you're hysterical.
Oliver: No, sir! No, I'm not, sir! I'll ask him outright: Are you a spy?
Whiff: Yes, I am a spy!
Oliver: You see, sir?
Henry: Well, of course he's a spy, Oliver - a North Western spy! This is Brigadier Sir Whiff Areolite (Whiff stands up straight, showing that he in fact doesn't limp at all, and the flies left), the finest spy in the Allied Railway army!
Oliver: b-But he can't be, sir - he, he doesn't look clean time.
Whiff: Unfortunately, I have to do garbage details while working there as under cover in Skarloey Narrow Gauge Empire.
Henry: This, Oliver, is the men who told us that there was a Skaries spy in the hospital in the first place.
Oliver: Ah.
Henry: Right. Well, that's that, then. James...
James: Yes, sir?
Henry: You are now head of Operation Winkle.
James: Thank you, sir.
Henry: Oliver...
Oliver: Yes, sir?
Henry: You are a complete arse.
Oliver: Thank you, sir.
Henry: Right, Whiff, let's go watch the firing squad. (starts out)
Whiff: yes, General! (takes his revolver from Oliver; leaves)
(Thomas rushes in)
Thomas: Sir, what the devil is going on? I've just seen Nurse Emily being led away to a firing squad!
James: Nurse Emily is the spy, Thomas.
Thomas: What? Y- Impossible!
James: Afraid so.
Thomas: Well, cover me with eggs and flour and bake me for fourteen minutes. Who'd have thought it, eh? Nurse Emily, a Shrimps nosepokerinner... Ker! Oh well, lots of exciting stuff to put into my next letter to my Uncle Duke in Norramby...
James: Sorry?
Thomas: Those letters I've been writing in the hospital, to my Skarie uncle.
Oliver: New information, James...?
James: Thomas...
Thomas: Oh, yes, well, I know there's a war on, but family is family, and old Uncle Duke does so love to be kept abreast of what's going on. I even wrote and told him about old fish-smash walrus-face Henry and his smelly old shirts!
Oliver: Would you like me to tell this one to the general, James, or would you enjoy that very special moment?
(They race out, leaving Thomas bewildered behind)