Parody of Thomas the tank engine & Friends season 4
I don't own either Blackdder and Thomas the Tank Engine
Sorry for any of those felt insulted because it is a parody that dose not make no sense at all!
James Goes Forth
Main starring
James the Red Engine as Captain James Redadder
Thomas the Tank Engine as Lieutenant Thomas St. Matthias Brighton
Percy the Small Engine as Private Percy Small
Henry the Green Engine as General Henry Green "Inanity" Stanier
Oliver the Second Great Western Engine as Captain Oliver Great Western
Good Bye!
"Millions have died, but the troops have advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping. Now at last the final big push looms . . . so, with the help of two pencils and a pair of underpants, James gets a bit crazy."
Here to those whom fight and die in terrible conflicts of First Great War 1914-1918 and the Second Great War 1939-1945 either fight either preserved freedom, defend families, love ones and countries and glory and honour of the nation.
Here to the one hundredth anniversary of the beginning of the start of the terrible conflict.
Guest Starring:
Sir Charles Topham Hatt, the Fat Controller as Field Marshal Sir Topham Hatt
Billy the Orange Tank Engine as Sergeant Major William "Billy" Orange
SCENE ONE: The trenches
(It is raining. James, Thomas and Percy are outside their dugout. Thomas gets out a cigarette case)
Thomas: Care for a smoke sir?
James: Er . . . no thank you
Thomas: Private?
Percy: Oh, thank you, sir.
(Percy takes the cigarette and starts eating it. Thomas gets emotional)
Thomas: Blast all this hanging about sir. I am as bored as a pacifist's pistol. When are we going to see some action?
James: Well Lt. I know that your wait is nearly at an end. Surely you have noticed something in the air?
Thomas: Well . . . yes sir but I thought that was Private Percy
James: I think that soon we will be making the final big push. That one we have all been looking forward for
Thomas: Well tip-top hole sir and about time, eh?
(Field telephone rings within Percy's backpack. James picks it up)
James: Hello, the Cronk public baths! No running, shouting or piddling in the shallow end . . . Ah Captain Oliver . . . tomorrow at dawn, Oh excellent . . . sees you later then . . . bye!
(Hangs up)
James: Gentlemen, our wait is at an end. Tomorrow Gen. 'Insanity' Henry invites us to a mass slaughter . . . We are going over the top.
Thomas: Well, Huzza and hurrah! God saves the Controller! Rule North Western and Boo-sucks to Perv Hun!
James: Or to put it more correctly, you are going over the top . . . and I am getting out of here!
(Hurries into dug out. Thomas follows)
SCENE 2: The dugout
Thomas: Oh come on cap! It has been tough for the past couple of years, but it was certainly worth it Guv'nor!
(James takes off his coat)
James: How could it possibly be worth it? We have been sitting here since winter 1914 in which millions of our trusted friends have died and we have advanced less than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping! We have shot off a million artillery shells and what the result? One with a sore throat and a another with a slight limp! The time has come to get out of this madness once and for all.
Thomas: What madness is that sir?
James: Oh Thomas! How long have you been in the army?
Thomas: Me sir? I joined up straight away. August 1930 what a day that was! Me and the lads leapfrogging down to the Ffarquhar recruiting office and then, playing tiddlywinks in the Que. We hammered Arlesburgh's tiddlers only the day before and there we were off to handle the Skaries. A superb bunch of chaps. Fine, clean limbed, even their acne had a strange nobility about it
James: And how are the boys now?
Thomas: Well, Jack and Bertie bought it at the first Harwick. Quite a shock that. I remember Salty's lighthouse master sending me a telegram saying that Hank had been out for a duck and Fergus had snooped a parcel sausage end and gone goose over loop frog side
James: Meaning?
Thomas: I do not know sir. However, I'm reading the Times that they've both been killed!
James: And Salty himself?
Thomas: Bagged it at Normandy with the LNERs. So did Bradley Dock, Toby Holden and 'Mighty' Murdoch. I remember hearing on the first morning of the Abbey when Cody, Donald and Douglas got gassed back home.
James: Which leaves?
Thomas: Why yes. I must be the only one Ffarquhar tiddlers still alive
(Thomas sits on his bunk)
James: My point exactly
(Thomas suddenly perks up)
Thomas: In fact, I get a bit missed. If it were not for the fact of going over the top tomorrow . . .
(Thomas leaps up)
Thomas: Right sir! Permission to get weaving
James: Permission granted
(Heads out of the dugout)
James: Percy . . .
(Percy appears)
Percy: Cap'n James!
James: This is a crisis, a large crisis. In fact if you have got a moment . . . It has a 12-storey crisis, carpeted throughout and with a large sign on the roof saying 'This is a large crisis' and a large crisis needs a large plan. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants . . .
SCENE THREE: The dug out
(James is sitting on his bunk with the pencils up his nose and the underpants on his head)
James: Right Percy, this is old trick I picked up in Wales. You are to send a runner to tell general Henry that your captain has gone insane and I will be invalided back to Suddery before you can say . . . WIBBLE! Another poor, gormless idiot
Percy: But I am a poor gormless idiot, sir, and I have never been invalided backs to Suddery
James: Yes Percy but then you have never said . . . WIBBLE! Now, ask me some simple questions'
Percy: Right. What is your name?
James: WIBBLE!
Percy: What is too plus too?
James: Oh . . . WIBBLE, WIBBLE
Percy: Where do you live?
James: Suddery
Percy: Eh?
James: A small building on Jupiter just outside the capital city . . . WIBBLE!
(Thomas enters)
Thomas: All the men present and correct sir, ready to be off
James: I am afraid not Lt. I am just off to Kirk Machan to buy some exploding trousers
Thomas: Come again sir? Have you gone stark raving mad?
James: Yes Thomas I have. Cluck, cluck, jibber, jibber, my old dad's a mushroom, etc. Now go send a runner to tell Gen. Henry that your captain has gone insane and must return to Suddery at once
Thomas: Why sir how utterly ghastly for you! You will miss the rest of the war
James: Yes incredibly bad luck. BEEP!
Thomas: Right . . .
James: BEEP!
Thomas: Percy, I will be when I can . . .
James: (to Percy) Pap paaa!
Thomas: Whatever you do don't excite him.
(Exit Thomas. James takes off some of his mad gear)
James: Fat chance! Now all we have to do is wait. Percy, make us. Some coffee will you? Try to make taste a lot less than piss this time
Percy: Not easy, I am afraid, Captain.
James: Why is this?
Percy: 'Cause it is piss. We ran out of coffee thirteen months ago.
James: So, every time I have drunk your coffee since, I have in fact been drinking hot piss
Percy: With sugar
James: Which of course would make all the difference
Percy: Well, it would do if we had any sugar, but, unfortunately, we ran out New Year's Eve 1921, since when I have been using sugar substitutes.
James: Which is?
Percy: Still, I could add some milk this time - well, piss. . .
James: No thank you Percy. Call me Mr. Picky but I will think I will give it a miss this once
Percy: That is probably 'cause you are mad, sir!
James: Well . . . Quite!
(Enter Thomas. James quickly puts the pencils up his nose)
Thomas: Didn't go down to well I am afraid sir. Captain Oliver said they will be down directly. You better be pretty doo-lally
James: Don't worry I am . . . (makes sudden movements with elbows) Okay, okay. When they get here, I will show them what totally and utterly bonkerooney means . . . Whampf! Until then, We have got nothing more to do than sit and wait
Thomas: Oh do not know sir. We could play a jolly good game of charades.
Percy: Oh, yes!
Thomas: And a sing along of musical hits like, "Birmingham Bertie" and "Whoops Mrs. Daisy! You are sitting on my artichokes!"
James: Yes, but I think doing nothing would be rather more fun
(Hours later)
Percy: Permission to ask a question, sir . . .
James: Permission granted Percy. Just if it is not the one about how engines reproduce
Percy: No, the thing is: The ways I see it, these days there is a war on, right? Ages ago, there was not a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? There being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?
(James looks blank)
James: Do you mean how did the war start?
Percy: Yes
(Thomas takes up narrative posture)
Thomas: The war started because of the vile Skaries and his villainous empire building
James: Thomas, the North Western Broad Gauge Empire now covers nearly a third of the globe. Where the Skarloey Narrow Gauge Empire just consists of a small workshops' factory outside Vicarstown. Nevertheless, I do not think we can be totally be cleared from blame on the imperialistic front
Thomas: Oh no sir! Absolutely not (To Percy) Mad as a bicycle!
Percy: Here, I heard it all started when a bloke called Rolt shot an ostrich bird cause he was hungry
James: You mean it all started when the archduke of Talyllyn got shot
Percy: Nay sir, there was an ostrich bird involved
James: Well possibly! Nevertheless, the real reason was it was too much trouble not to have a war. You see, to maintain military deadlock in the world two super blocks developed: Us, Canadian Pacific, Algoma Central, Southern, LNER, Norfolk & Western and Small Railway on one side and the Skarloey, Culdee Fall, Talyllyn, Snowdon, London Mid Scotland, Canadian National, New York Central and Union Pacific on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the others deterrents. That way, there could never be a war.
Percy: Still, this is a sort of war, is not it, sir?
James: Yes Percy there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
Thomas: What was that, sir?
James: It was rubbish
Percy: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing.
(They hear a call from outside)
Oliver: Ten-shun!
Thomas: Right, they are here. Percy you keep the captain warm and I will go and prepare the ground
Scene 4: The trench
(Enter Thomas, Oliver and Gen. Henry. Thomas salutes)
Thomas: Sir . . .
Henry: Thomas, how's the patient?
Thomas: Well, I cannot count for his behaviour sir. However, he has gone mad, you see. Stir-fry, crazy
Henry: I see. Is he genuinely mad?
Thomas: Oh certainly sir!
Henry: Or has he just simply put his underpants on his head and stuffed a couple of pencils up his nose?
Thomas: Er . . .
Henry: That is what they all used to do in the Wales. I remember I had to shoot a whole platoon for trying that! Right, better look at him
Scene 5: the dugout
Henry: Ten-shun!
(James gets off his bunk and pretends he talking to Percy)
James: And the other thing they used to do in the Wales was to get dressed up like this and pretend to be mad. Still, do not let me catch you doing that or I will have you shot. Right? Dismissed
(Turns around and sees Henry)
Oh hellos sir. I did not hear you come in!
Henry: Now then Matty, they have been telling me you have gone mad
James: Me sir? Oh no sir! Must've been as breakdown in communications. Someone must have heard that I was mad with excitement waiting to be off
(Henry turns to Oliver)
Henry: There you are Oliver I told there was a perfectly logical explanation
Oliver: But sir, the message we received was quite clear (reading) "Captain James had gone totally tonto. Stop. Bring a straight jacket for immediate return to Maron. Stop"
Henry: Don't be ridiculous Oliver! The hero of The Isle of Man mad? You have only got to look at him and see he is as sane as I am
(Henry exits' dugout with Thomas)
Oliver: Would that be the Isle of Man where we massacred the peace-loving pigmy trains of the lower Douglas and stole all their coal?
James: No, a totally different Isle of Man
(Moments' pause)
Cup of coffee Oliver?
Oliver: Oh yes pleased!
James: Percy, do the honours
Percy: Sir, sugar sir?
Oliver: Three lumps!
James: Think you can manage three lumps Percy?
Percy: I will rummage around, see what I can find, sir. (Turns back to the kitchen)
Oliver: and make it a milky one
Scene 6: The trench
(Thomas and Henry stand outside the dugout entrance. They can hear Percy's hucking in the background)
Henry: Well Thomas you have, must have been as giddy as a school boy when you heard about the big push?
Thomas: That is right sir. Our chance to show the Skaries it will take more than a brass helmet and bad breath to defeat the armies of North Western Railway
Henry: That is the spirit!
Scene seven: The dug out
(Percy spits and enters with Oliver's coffee)
Percy: Here you are, sir.
Oliver: Ah, cappuccino! I do not suppose that you have got any of that brown stuff you sprinkle on the top
Percy: Well I am . . .
James: No, no!
Oliver: Ten-shun!
(Enter Henry and Thomas)
Henry: Ah, fine body of men you have got out there Captain
James: Yes sir only to become fine bodies of men
Henry: Oh nonsense! You will pull through. I remember we had to go up against the old French Railway back in '16 they said that we had never get through to their front line but we ducked, bobbed and wove. We darn well won that game 15-4
James: Yes sir, but they did not arm the French Railway full back with a heavy machine gun
Henry: That is an interesting thought. Note that Oliver. Recommendation for the French Railway, heavy machine guns for full backs. Good idea James. (To Percy) Now then soldier, are you looking forward to giving those Great Western a good licking?
Oliver: No sir, it is the Skaries we will be licking sir
Henry: Don't be revolting Oliver! I would not lick a Skaries even if fellow Skaries glazed him in honey! Now then soldier, Do you love your railway?
Percy: Certainly do, sir.
Henry: And do you love your Controller?
Percy: Certainly do not, sir.
Henry: And why not?
Percy: My mother told me never to trust men with bald heads, sir.
Henry: Excellent Tommy wit (He punches Percy)
Right sorry I cannot stay any longer but I suppose there is no room at the front for a tough gristly soldier with a dickie heart and a wooden bladder. Oh by the way Thomas, if you would like to come back to HQ and see the results as they come in tomorrow I can guarantee a place in the car
Thomas: Oh no thank you sir! I would not miss this for anything. I am as excited as a house cleaner with a very special reason to be excited sir!
Henry: Right then Toodle pips all! See you in Crovan's Gate for coffee and cake
(Oliver takes a sip of coffee and spits it out)
What is the matter with you today Oliver?!
(Exit Oliver and Henry)
Thomas: I am glad you are not barking any more sir
James: Well thank you Thomas, but you certainly were! You were on your way out and you did not take it
Thomas: Absolutely not sir! I cannot wait to get stuck into the Skaries
James: You will not have time to get stuck into the Skaries! Machine gun fire cuts you down before you can yell 'Charge'
Thomas: So, what do we do now?
Percy: Can I do my war poem?
James: How hurt would you are If I gave you the real answer that was . . . No, I'd rather French kisses a diesel
Thomas: Come on, it might help pass the time,
James: All right, fire away Percy
Percy: "Hear the words I sing / War's a horrid thing / So I sing sing sing / ding-a-ling-a-ling."
(Thomas gives applause)
Thomas: Bravo! Yes!
James: Yes, well, it started badly, it trailed off in the middle and less said about the end the better but apart from that . . . excellent!
Percy: Oh, shall I do another one, then, sir?
James: No, we would not want to exhaust you
Percy: No, do not worry; I could go on all night..
James: Not with a bayonet through your neck you couldn't!
Percy: I call this 'The Skar's guns'
Thomas: Spiffing! Let us hear that
Percy: 'Boom, boom, boom, boom,/Boom, boom, boom,/Boom, boom, boom, boom,
(James finishes)
James: Boom, boom, boom?
Percy: How did you guess, sir?
Thomas: I say, that is spooky eh,
James: I am sorry, I have just got to get out of here!
Percy: Well, I have a cunning plan, sir.
James: All right for old time's sake
Percy: You contact big ass Hatt and you ask him and you ask him to get you out of here.
James: Percy by your standards it is pathetic! I only met Field Marshal Walking Tub of Lard Hatt once, it was twenty years ago and . . . my God! You have got it Percy! You have got it!
(James kisses him)
Percy: Well, if I have got it, you have got it too, now, sir.
James: I cannot believe I have been this stupid. One phone call should do it. One phone call and I will be free. Let us see it is . . . twenty-five past four now . . . so I will call around quarter to six! Excellent! If you excuse me, I have got some packing to do
Thomas: You know, I will not half miss you chaps after the war is over
Percy: Don't worry, Lieutenant; I will come visit you.
Thomas: You will really? Oh, bravo. Jump in the old jallopi and come for staying in my burrow near Ffarquhar we can relive the old times
James: What? Dig a big hole along field, fill it with water and get your Branch line friends to shoot at us all day?
Thomas: That is the one thing I have noticed about you cap'n. I mean you come from a noble bloodline heritage of railroaders and sometimes you seem as if you bally well have not enjoyed soldiering at all
James: You see Thomas I did like it, when the pre-repisit of a campaign was that the enemy should on no account carry guns. Even spears made us think twice. The types of engines we would like to fight were 3 feet tall and armed with dry grass
Thomas: Oh c'mon sir, what about The Isle of Man for heaven's sake?
James: Yes, that was a bit of a nasty one! Ten thousand pigmy engineers' warriors armed to the teeth with apples fruits and pear halves. After the battle instead of taking prisoners we simply had a huge fruit salad. I have had nine months of training, perfecting the art of ordering a pink gin and saying. Do you do it, doggy, doggy?' in Celtic. No, when I joined up I never imagined anything as horribly as this war, it was a shock I can tell you!
(Percy polishes boots as he speaks)
Percy: I thought it was going to be such fun, too. We all did - joining the local regiment and everything: 'Dryaw Pals' It was great. I will never forget it. It was the first time I ever felt really popular. Everyone was cheering, throwing flowers. I loved the training; all we had to do was bayonet sack full of straw. Even I could do that. I remember saying to my mum, "These sacks will be easy to outwit in a battle situation." Then, shortly after, we all met up, did we not? Just before Christmas, 1920.
Thomas: That is right! I had just arrived and . . . we had that wonderful Christmas truce, do you remember sir? We could hear 'Silent Night' drifting across the still, crisp air of no-men's-land. An then they came, the Skaries approaching out of the freezing night mist calling to us. We clambered over the top and went to meet them
James: Both sides advanced more during one Christmas truce then they did during the next two and a half year of war
Percy: Do you remember the football match?
James: Remember it? How could I forget it? I was NEVER offside! I could not believe that referee!
Percy: And since then, we been stuck 'ere for flipping three years, we never moved. All my mates are dead. Arthur, Alfie, almost everyone except Neville
James: I am afraid Neville died as well Percy. I'm sorry
Percy: No! If it were not for this god awful terrible war, Neville and the boys would still be here. Why can't we just stop, sir? Why can't we just say, "No more killing; let us all go home?" Why would it'd be stupid just too pack it in sir? Why?
Thomas: Now you stop that conchy talk right now Private! It's absurd and it would not work anyway
Percy: Why?
Thomas: Why not? You mean why not, why wouldn't it work? It would not work Private because, it would not work because . . . now you just get on with polishing those boots, and let us have less of your lip! I think I managed to crush the mutiny there sir. Just to think in a few hours off which we will be. Although I would not miss all this, we have had some good times, we have had some good laughs.
James: Yes I cannot think of any specific ones actually
Scene seven: Henry's office
(Oliver is asleep at his desk. Enter Henry in his dressing gown)
Henry: Oliver
(Oliver salutes sharply)
Oliver: SIR!
Henry: Oh, sit, sit, sit, sit. Can't sleep either, eh?
Oliver: No sir. Kept on thinking about the push sir. Hoping that the Skaries will forget to set their alarm clocks and still be in their pyjamas when our boys turn up
Henry: Yes, yes. I have been thinking too, Oliver
Oliver: Sir?
Henry: Over the past couple of years I have come to look upon you as a sort of son. Not a favorite son of course! Oh God no! A type of illegitimate backstairs sort of sprig a sort of spotty squid that no one really liked!
Oliver: Thank you sir
Henry: And I want to do what is best for you Oliver. So, I have given it a great deal of thought and I want you to have this
(Hands Oliver a slip of paper)
Oliver: A postal order for ten pounds
Henry: Oh sorry. That is my nephew's wedding present
(Hands Oliver another slip of paper)
Oliver: Oh, no sir. This is a commission for the front line
Henry: Yes! I have been extremely selfish Oliver! Keeping you back here instead of letting you join in the fun 'n' games. This will let you get to the front line immediately!
Oliver: But sir I do not want to . . .
Henry: To leave me? I know Oliver but dash it, I am just going to have to enter Crovan's Gate without someone to carry my feathery hat
Oliver: No sir, I do not want to go into battle . . .
Henry: Without me? I appreciate that. Still, I am old Oliver. I am just going to have to sit this one out on the touch line with the half-time oranges and the fat weasy boys with a note from matrons. While you young blood links arm for the glorious final scrum-down
Oliver: No sir! (Oliver gets down on his knees) You're not listening sir. Please, for all the times I have helped you with your dickie bows and your dickie bladder, please . . . do not . . . makes . . . me . . .
Henry: Go through the debagging ceremony in the mess! No I have spared you that too you touchingly sedimental young boobie! No fuss, the driver is already here
(Light floods the room with a driver casting a shadow on Oliver)
No, not a word Oliver, I know what you want to say . . . I know. Goodbye Captain Oliver Great Western (Salutes)
Oliver: Goodbye sir (Both shake hands)
Scene 8: The dugout
(James is all set to go. Thomas is sitting at the table reading a book. Enter Percy carrying Lee-Enfield Rifle.)
Percy: It is stopped raining at last, sir, - looks like we might have a pleasant day for it.
Thomas: Yes it is nearly morning
James: So it is. Right, time to make my call (Pick's up the receiver on a field telephone and cranks the handle) Hello . . . yes, Field Marshal Sir Topham Hatt please . . . Yes it is urgent
Scene 9: Hatt's HQ
(The phone rings, a big fat man wearing a suit and a top hat carried ten ton chocolate answers it)
Fat Controller: Hatt . . .
James: Hello Sir Hatt!
Hatt: Who is this?
James: Captain James sir. Former of the 19/45th Maron battalion
Hatt: Good Lord Jimmy! I have not seen you since . . .
James: '12 Sir, Isle of Man
Hatt: Oh yes, We certainly gave those pygmies a good squashing!
James: Yes sir, and do you remember . . .
Hatt: Yes, you saved my life that day Jamie! If it were not for you that pigmy engineers with the sharpened apple could have seriously . . .
James: Yes sir. Do you remember that you said if ever I was in trouble I was to call you and you would do everything in your power to help me?
Hatt: Yes, yes I do and I stick by it. You know me not a man to change my mind
James: Yes, we have noticed that
Hatt: Anyway, what do you want? Spit it out man!
James: Well sir, it is the big push today and I am not really that keen to go over the top
Hatt: Oh . . . I see . . . well . . .
James: It was a viciously sharpened slice of apple was not it sir?
Hatt: This is most irregular but . . . erm . . . All right! If I do fix this for you . . . I do never want to hear from you again is that clear?
James: Suits me . . . Fatty!
Hatt: Very well, I will not repeat this so listen carefully . . . put your underpants on your head and stuff a couple of pencils up your nose. They will think you are crazy and send you home. Right favour returned! (Hangs up)
Scene 10: The dug out
(James hangs up)
James: I think the term rhymes with 'Clucking bell'
Percy: Does that mean you'll going over the top, now, sir?
(The phone rings again. James leaps on it)
James: FIELD MARSHAL!
Henry: Well . . . not quite James. Or rather, not yet. I am just calling to let you know I have sent a little surprise over
(Enter Oliver in battle gear)
Thomas: Sir!
(James hangs up)
James: Captain Oliver
Oliver: Captain James
James: Here to join us for the last waltz?
Oliver: yes . . . got fed with folding the general's pyjamas
Thomas: Well, this is brave comradely news! Together we will fight for controller and railway and be sucking sausages in Crovan's Gate by teatime!
(James gets out the Tommy gun)
James: Yes well I hop their cafes are well stocked. Everyone is determined to eat out the moment we arrive
Thomas: This is brave, splendid and noble . . . Sir?
James: Yes Thomas
Thomas: I am afraid sir
Percy: I am afraid too, sir.
Thomas: I mean, I am the last of the Ffarquhar tiddlers from the golden summer of 1914. I do not want to die, and I am not all keen on dying at all sir
Percy: I'm the last of Dryaw Pals battalion, which is the same of I am not all keen on dying at all as well sir
James: How are you feeling Oliver?
Oliver: Not all too well James . . . thought I had got through the whole show. Go back to work in 'Montague and Sons', keep wickets for the Arlesburgh West gentlemen marry Isabel. I made a note in my diary on the way here . . . simply says . . . 'BUGGER!'
James: Well . . . quite
(they hear an order; Sergeant Major Billy: Stans to! Fix bayonets!)
James: Right let us move. Don't forget your shotgun Lt.
Thomas: Right oh sir! Wouldn't want to face a machine gunner without this.
Scene eleven: the trench
(The artillery guns suddenly go silent)
Oliver: Listen . . . Our guns have stopped
Thomas: You do not think . . .
Percy: Maybe the war's over. Maybe it is peace!
(James and Oliver load submachines gun, Thomas load his shotgun, and Percy load his rifle)
Thomas: Well hurrah! The big knobs have turned the tables and yanked the iron out of the fire
Oliver: Thank God! We lived through it! The great war 1920-1923
Thomas, Percy, Oliver, all the soldiers including guest characters excluding Henry, Topham & James: Hip, hip HURRAY! Hip, hip HURRAY!
James: I am afraid not! The guns have stopped because we are about to attack. Even our generals are not mad enough to shell their own men, they think it is far more sporting to let the Skaries to do it!
Thomas: So we are in fact going over. This is as they say. It
James: Yes, unless you can think of something very quickly
(Another command. Billy: Company, one pace forward!)
Percy: There some nasty splinters on there ladder Sir!
(Billy: "Stand ready!")
Percy: I have a plan, sir.
James: Really, Percy? A cunning and subtle one?
Percy: Yes, sir.
James: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at McGill University?
Percy: Yes, sir.
(Billy: "On the signal company will advance!")
James: Well, I am afraid it must wait. Whatever it was I think that getting out of here by pretending to be mad would be better than my plan. I mean . . . who would notice another mad man around here? But I'm never thought the day will be like that but we all now must show our courage and face death bravery and even into the abyss!
(Sounds of whistles being blown)
James: Good luck everyone!
(Everyone yells as they go over the top. Skaries guns fire before they are even off the ladders. The scene changes to slow motion, and explosions happen all around them. [An echoed piano slowly plays the Island Song.] The smoke and flying earth begin to obscure vision as the view changes to the battlefield moments later: empty and silent with barbed wire, guns and bodies strewn across it. [A bass drum beats slowly.] That view in turn changes to the same field as it is today: overgrown with grasses and flowers, peaceful, with chirping birds.)
To those who fall I say; you will not die but step into immortality. Your mothers will not lament your fate, but will be proud to have bourne such sons. Your names will be revered for ever and ever by your grateful country, and God will take you unto himself.
-Excerpt Arthur Currie's special order to the Canadian Corp. spring 1918,
THE END
Here to those to the townfolks from my hometown that fought and died in the First Great War:
Private Patrick Joseph Fitzgerald, 46th Battalion, died in October 16, 1917 at vicinity of Passchendaele Ridge at the age of 24
Private David O'Grady, 1st Battalion, died in May 3, 1917 at Oppy Wood at the age of 32
Private Nicholas Scott, 18th Battalion, died in May 8, 1917 at Oppy Wood at the age of 21
Lest we forget, that theirs names will be respected.
Next the other Goodbye traditional...