"Korsak, how do you feel about lunch?"
The sergeant looked up from his computer, brows arched in mild surprise. "Love some! Doctor Isles not going with you?"
Jane shook her head. "She wasn't feeling up to it."
Korsak glanced fleetingly at Frost's empty desk. "Understandable. It was a kick to the gut for everybody, but she seemed to take it especially hard. Cavanaugh tell you what happened?"
"He only disclosed the basics. How it happened and when." She shrugged, staring at the empty space where her partner was supposed to be sitting. "I don't think I could've handled any more than that at the time." She met his eyes. "But was there even that much more to tell?"
His face turned grim. "Listen, I've just gotta finish up this report real quick. Go see your mom down at Division One, and I'll meet you there. I can fill you in on details over lunch if you feel ready to hear them."
Jane nodded, feeling shaky but determined. "I think I can take it," she said without irony.
Almost before Jane had crossed the threshold into the Division One Café, her mother was around the counter and calling her name, instantly tearful.
"Jane, honey, have you heard? Has somebody told you?" She seized Jane in a hug before her daughter could dodge.
"Yes, Ma. Cavanaugh told me."
"Oh honey it was just awful. And he was your partner. I'm so sorry, baby."
With a few cursory pats to her mother's shoulder, Jane managed to gently pry herself from her mother's arms. "Thanks, Ma," she said, her treacherous voice beginning to quaver.
"What can I get you?"
Jane hesitated when she saw Frankie enter the café and begin making his way over. "Uh, nothing right now, Ma. I'm getting lunch with Korsak in a bit." And I get the feeling it'll be a pretty light lunch.
"Hey, Janie," Frankie greeted her, voice low.
"Hi, Frankie." She squeezed his arm. He felt tense. Rather than ask with words, she inquired with her eyes. How are you holding up?
He gave her a terse nod, but his face was drawn with melancholy. He looked like a man who had just lost his best friend.
"Frankie, what about you? Can I get you anything special?"
"Nah, Ma, I'm good. Thanks, though. Look, I gotta run. I'll talk to you later, Jane."
Jane understood exactly how he was feeling. "Okay." She offered him a small smile as he turned away.
"He told me he was there, Jane, but he won't say anything else about it."
Jane met her mother's worried eyes. "You can't expect him to be an open book, Ma. Not so soon after it happened."
Angela sighed. "I know, but I just worry about you kids not talking about your problems. It's not healthy."
"You sound like Maura," Jane remarked dryly.
"Well, somebody has to make sense when she's not around! Did you talk to her yet today?"
"Briefly, in the morgue. She's…not doing much better than Frankie, to be honest." Her eyebrows drew together and the muscles between her shoulder blades began to bunch up. What a royal fucking mess we all are. Frost, why'd you have to go?
When her mother spoke again, her voice was unsteady. "We all miss Frost, honey," she said, eyes taking in her daughter's mournful gaze and defeated posture. "It's gonna be hard, but we'll get through this, okay?"
I should call Casey. Tell him what happened. "She barely spoke to me, Ma."
"Jane! Ready to go?" Korsak's voice carried from café doors to where they stood.
Angela embraced her daughter tightly one more time. "Go talk to Sergeant Korsak, Jane. Remember the good times."
Jane's throat closed, preventing her from replying. She simply nodded and turned to Korsak. She pulled out her phone. "Mind if I have you drive while I call Casey? It dawned on me that I should probably fill him in…"
"Of course, Jane." He pulled out the keys to his sedan and she followed him out the door, phone already to her ear.
Her husband picked up on the third ring. "Hey, babe! Want me to come join you for lunch?"
"Hi. Actually, Casey…I'm sorry, but I'm getting lunch with Korsak. We've got a surprising amount to catch up on." She discreetly brushed the base of her thumb against her nose as her voice cut out on her. Again. As she stepped into the passenger side of the car, she exchanged a glance with Korsak that said, God, this doesn't get any easier, does it?
"What's wrong, Jane?" Casey asked.
"Uh…" Jane's stream of consciousness seemed to stutter. She had to say it out loud. It was going to become real the moment the words left her lips. And she knew it was going to hurt like hell. She looked to her ex-partner for help. Korsak's sympathetic expression gave her the boost she needed to plunge ahead. "Frost is dead."
A beat of silence. Then, "Oh, Jane I'm so sorry."
"Yeah, it's, uh…thanks, honey. Look, I gotta go. I can talk more later." Her voice, her heart was breaking on every word. Frost is dead. Frost is dead.
"Okay. I understand. I love you."
"Love you, too," she whispered, and ended the call. The phone dropped to her lap as she pressed the heel of her hand to her forehead. Everything ached. She drew a deep breath and held it.
My partner is dead. And I wasn't here for him.
"God, Korsak, what am I gonna do?"
Korsak knew this for what it was: a rare moment of weakness in the strongest, most resilient woman he knew, aside from Angela Rizzoli. He put the car in drive, not bothering to ask where Jane wanted to go. She didn't need to be burdened with trivial decisions like that. He briefly put his hand over hers. "Do what you have to, and keep living."
She nodded. "Okay."
He managed to find parking not far from the Dirty Robber. Jane was grateful he hadn't taken her someplace new – the comfort of a familiar atmosphere would likely service her well in the not-too-distant future. The lunch crowd was a much quieter and smaller group than the after-work crowd. They found a table in a somewhat secluded corner, and the server was in front of them a moment later. Korsak ordered a salad.
"I promised Doctor Isles I'd try to start eating better a while back. Figure I should probably start keeping my word." He offered a smile, and Jane returned it, albeit weakly.
She also ordered a salad. "I'm probably not going to eat much of it, anyway," she said with a shrug after the server departed. They sipped silently from their iced waters for a moment before Jane finally prompted, "Korsak, you might as well start talking now. Waiting until we get our food isn't going to make this easier on either of us."
He nodded and gave a resigned shrug. "You're probably right. So, how much did Cavanagh tell you?"
"Like I said, just the basics. Homicide plus DCU on a big narc bust. He didn't say what went south, but that it ended with two DCU guys and Frost about to get their names on the "In Memoriam" wall." She lifted the water to her lips and set it down before speaking again. "Oh, and Ma told me that Frankie was there."
Her concise summary of what she knew seemed to give Korsak pause. He watched her take another sip of water, clearly needing some occupation for her hands. When she set the glass down again, she went straight to the napkin wrapped around her silverware, unwound it, and went to work crumpling and uncrumpling it.
Korsak looked away for a second, gathering his thoughts, deciding where best to begin, which details to include and which to omit. Jane knew he didn't want to screw this up. She'd feel the same way in his position. This wouldn't even be a problem if I'd just been here.
"The bust wasn't far from our precinct. They'd brought a tactical team along and everything. This was a big deal. One of the couriers got to the scene earlier than they'd been expecting, and saw them coming in. His warning gave the perps enough time to prepare." He shrugged, watching her fingers still going to town on the now mutilated napkin. "The rest is history as far as the bust itself is concerned."
Jane looked up from the napkin and looked him straight in the eye. Out of her peripheral vision, she saw the server approaching with their salads. "What happened next?" She knew there had to be more.
"The two DCU guys died almost instantly. Frost, though…" he looked up as the server placed their plates in front of them. "Thanks," he said.
More for appearances than anything else, Jane speared a couple of spinach leaves and steered them around her plate, trying to pick up more dressing and make them palatable.
"Frost was hit in – well, Doctor Isles said it was a freak coincidence that it nailed his femoral artery. If we'd got him back quicker, he might not've…"
Jane closed her eyes. Her lungs felt like they had just shut down. "Maura did the autopsy?" Oh, God…no wonder she's doing so badly.
"She tried to save him, Jane."
Oh God.
"They hauled ass back to the precinct. Called 911, telling them to meet us there with the ambulance. He was critical. Blood all over the place." He paused and touched her hand, which was clenched in a white-knuckled fist on the tabletop, still holding her fork with the spinach leaves. "Do you want me to stop?"
She shook her head. Stifled a whimper. "I might as well know it all."
"She did everything she could once he was on her table. I think, if we'd gotten him there sooner, she could've stopped or at least slowed the bleeding enough to hold him 'til the ambulance could take him."
"But he bled out," Jane whispered the conclusion to the story. Oh Frost. Oh Maura.
Jane pictured herself back in the morgue, seeing things from Maura's perspective.
Shouting men hauling a wounded Frost through the doors and up on her table. His blood-soaked pants shredded. Femoral artery. That would explain a critical shot with this much blood even when he was wearing Kevlar. The slim chances of that happening were baffling, yet here were the cold, stark facts.
Pressing compresses to the wound, elevating his leg. Blood everywhere.
Frost opening his eyes. His breath faltering. Looking with startling clarity straight into Maura's face.
Then nothing.
Oh, Maura. Honey.
"Have you talked to her yet today?" Korsak asked quietly, venturing to break the stricken silence. "I know she didn't want to go to lunch, but…have you discussed it at all?"
"No. She didn't seem to want to talk." And now I know why. I should've been here. For her.
"I know you don't like to push her, and I get that, but this might be one of those times when you have to try drawing it out of her. Gently, of course. You know how to handle her better than anyone."
Jane nodded, salad forgotten. "Yeah, I was waiting to see if she'd get back to me later about getting together after work to talk. She'll tell me when she's ready."
"Fair enough. I figured you'd know what's best."
She gave him a grim smile. Looked down at her salad and forced herself to eat enough of it to justify paying for a pile of seasoned leaves on a plate. Korsak followed her lead. They ate the rest of their meal in tentative silence.
Korsak drove them back to the precinct. Just before she opened the door, he stopped her. "Jane."
She turned. She knew what was coming. She wasn't going to heed his admonition, but she would do him the courtesy of listening.
"Don't beat yourself up. You had no way of knowing or anticipating this. It happened, and it's terrible, but it's over now. The best we can do is keep working through. I know how you think, Jane. And none of this was in any way your fault."
She turned and swung open the door without another backward glance.