Jane slipped the last sheaf of paperwork into its folder and stashed the folder in the file box beneath her desk for ease of retrieval tomorrow. She had been feeling less than productive all day, but still managed to get enough done to feel okay about leaving at quitting time. Shoving the box underneath the desk with her foot, she leaned back in her chair with a heavy sigh. She was so weary in body and spirit. It felt as though a lump of lead had settled at the bottom of her stomach. She grasped a pen from her desk and began clumsily twirling it between her fingers, silently debating whether to go straight home or ask Maura if she was ready to talk. She hadn't heard from her best friend all day since their brief exchange in the morgue that morning. The thought didn't sit well with Jane. But she was loath to push Maura's boundaries when she so clearly needed space and time to process.
As if summoned by her thoughts, the elevator dinged and Maura stepped onto the homicide floor. She wore a simple white blouse over a black skirt, with a coral blazer completing the ensemble. Stylish and professional.
"Hey, Maura."
"I'm sorry I didn't get back to you all day. I…needed time."
Jane put out her hand, forehead creasing in sympathy. "That's okay! I get it. I do." She knew the story now. She would give Maura all the time she needed. Her silent avowal to demonstrate infinite patience with her best friend seemed such a small penance for her failure to be there in a time of such crisis. "You don't have to apologize to me, Maura."
The medical examiner seemed to struggle with this sentiment, a fleeting grimace marring her features for a moment before she spoke again. "Anyway, I came here to tell you I'm ready to talk about it. And I –" she faltered, seemingly at war with herself on whether she should finish the sentence. She quickly came to a decision and lifted her chin. "I was wondering if you wanted to come over tonight. We can have dinner…or not, and just skip straight to the wine." She offered a small smile, dimples just barely beginning to show themselves.
Jane's heart melted at the sight. She opened her mouth to accept.
Her phone buzzed. "Ugh. Perfect timing," she groaned, and checked the screen.
Casey: Babe, just wondering if you're coming home soon.
She looked up at Maura. "It's Casey. Sorry, just give me one sec."
She typed a response. Sorry honey. Maura's having a tough time of it with the Frost thing. I'm going over to hers for a while. Don't wait up for me. Love you.
His response was prompt in returning. Got it. Love you too.
She locked the screen and returned her gaze to Maura's with a smile of her own. "Okay, I told him not to wait up for me." Jane felt an inexplicable lightening within herself as she watched Maura's expression turn from anxious doubt to happy relief. She rose and pulled her blazer off the back of her chair. "Let's go."
As Jane drew even with her on their approach to the elevator, she couldn't help but catch the frown that had returned to Maura's face. She was overthinking again. Jane sighed, wishing there was more she could think to do to make this easier on her friend.
Suddenly, there was a warmth on her arm, seeping through the sleeve of her blazer. She looked down. Maura had wrapped her hand around her arm. Jane took that hand as the elevator doors slid open, and pulled it gently until their arms were linked. They stayed this way the entire descent to the ground floor.
"God, I hope you still have beer in your fridge," Jane groaned loudly as they entered Maura's house.
In spite of her weariness with the turns their lives had taken recently, Maura found herself laughing softly at Jane's melodramatics. She was glad that some things remained the same when so much was in flux. And though the embers that always burned in her heart for the detective would never be quenched since Casey had staked his claim, Maura was not going to deprive herself of the small joys Jane's company could still bring her. So long as her best friend was willing to humor and indulge her now and again, Maura would content herself with that.
She went to her fridge and retrieved the much sought-after Blue Moon while Jane pulled her boots off. "Thanks for coming over, Jane," she said as she handed the bottle to the detective.
Seeming to sense Maura's earnestness, Jane grew solemn. "Don't mention it. I will always be here for you when you need me."
Maura felt some of the cold, hard tension from grief that had gathered in her abdomen begin to warm and soften. She was melting inside, and it had never felt so good. Or so terrifying. Jane could affect her so easily. Without even trying. Without even intending to attain Maura's surrender, the detective had it without realizing.
"I think we should both just drink heavily tonight and then go to bed," Jane said dryly.
"But…one of us has to get you back home to your husband, Jane." Maura tilted her head, eyes narrowed slightly.
Jane shrugged, carelessly flicking a few wayward locks of raven hair from her face as she took another drink. She was already well into the bottle.
Maura pressed her lips into a tight line. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe I'm being too selfish. Too needy.
"He knows not to wait up for me. I told him where I am. And I'm sure he wouldn't want either of us taking the risk of driving under the influence, only to have me stumble in at – what? – two in the morning? When he usually gets up at four to go run, anyway." She shook her head. "Nah, I think I'll stay here with you. That is," she met Maura's eyes cautiously, hoping she hadn't overstepped, "if you'll still have me."
"Of course, Jane," Maura said after a moment. "If you're comfortable with it, then so am I."
"Good. It's settled, then." Jane made her way over to the couch, but didn't turn on the TV. Instead, she tugged on the blanket that was draped over the back cushions, and laid it over herself. She took another sip and set her bottle down, settling into the corner of the couch and leaning her head back.
Surreptitiously watching her, Maura was overcome with intense affection – and desire. She stepped around the couch and joined Jane. But she did not settle in like her friend. She remained tense, hyperaware. Elbows propped on her knees, Maura sat forward with her back bent, staring into the glass of Carignan on the coffee table in front of her. She continued to watch Jane as she breathed, eyes still closed. Maura wondered if she was already falling asleep, but decided it wasn't very likely.
A want that seemed so basic it was almost primal was pulling and tugging at the corners of her being. Her soul felt stretched taut. Why? she thought, taking a heavy swallow from her glass. She had long since given up on trying to understand her relationship with Jane in a scientific context. But there were still times when she wondered at the cause and effect of it all.
Jane's arm reached out and deftly picked up the bottle, bringing it to her lips. She opened her eyes and looked right at Maura as she swallowed. "Hey. You okay?"
Maura held her gaze for a second longer and then looked away. If Jane really did stay the night, coping with temptation was going to make the next several hours extremely difficult. Jane polished off the last of the beer and reached out, touching Maura's shoulder. She began a series of very slow, very light, back-and-forth movements across Maura's back. Maura felt her breath catch, but she didn't think Jane heard it. Or if she did, she gave no sign of it.
Maura brought her glass up and took another large swallow. She was making much shorter work of it than she had planned. Control. Keep it together. Yes, it's Jane, you're both grieving, you're both drinking, but you can control yourself.
Jane's hand continued its soft strokes, up and down her spine, and across her shoulders. "You wanna talk now?"
Maura closed her eyes for a moment, letting the sensation of Jane's touch and nearness wash over her. Tears gathered behind her eyes. My amygdala and my lachrymal gland have a connection that I can't really control.
"If it helps," Jane offered, "Korsak already told me everything that happened. Including your…" she searched for the right word, "involvement. I'm all filled in. So you can really just talk about whatever is on your mind about the whole thing. You don't have to retell the story if you don't want to. I know reliving it is probably the last thing you wanna do right now."
The solemn timbre of Jane's voice dwindled to a mere susurration of whispered consonants. Maura opened her eyes finally, and looked at Jane. The detective sat forward, her hand never leaving Maura's back. She could sense the words were on their way out.
The veneer of placidity crumbled away as Maura finally choked out a whisper. "I couldn't save him, Jane. I tried everything…everything, but it was too late. I lost him. I lost your partner. I couldn't…" spasms wracked her diaphragm and she struggled, gasping for breath. Jane leaned closer and gripped her shoulders. "I couldn't save Frost, Jane, and I'm so, so s-sorry."
"Maura. Honey. It's not your fault." Tears flowed hot and fast from Jane's eyes as well, and her throat constricted painfully. She leaned her forehead against Maura's shaking shoulders. "I should've been here. For Frankie, for Korsak, for Frost. For you. And I wasn't. I'm sorry, Maura. I'm so sorry, sweetheart. You shouldn't have had to face that alone." And she held onto Maura so tightly, as if the pressure of her hands was the only physical force holding the pieces of her fragile best friend together.
Maura shook her head but couldn't speak. It was all too much to give words to, too much to take in. Frost's death, Jane's grief, her own grief, her private yearning for Jane to return her love. Instead, she tucked herself into Jane as her best friend wrapped her arms tightly around her. Much as she always longed for this, it hurt a great deal. Because under normal circumstances, Maura knew she had no right to such intimacy with this woman. So while half her heart lavished in the warmth and safety of Jane's affection, the other half writhed in agony at the knowledge that Jane was not hers. Would never be hers. Unable to stop herself, Maura wept harder.
Jane sobbed silently with her.