A/N : I want to extend my deepest and sincerest gratitude to all of you for reading and reviewing this story - and for sticking with it so far. Those of you who have expressed your frustrations with certain characters have been noted, and your frustrations will not be in vain, I promise. For now, this is me just stretching my angst muscles, as it were. People in love do stupid things sometimes. People in denial also do stupid things sometimes. People in mourning do stupid things sometimes. Just remember, I'm trying to keep our ladies human, and right now they're dealing with all three emotional states at once - even if they may not be fully aware of it. Give them some grace. The struggles now will, I hope, make the resolution all the sweeter when it does come. Until then, please continue to be patient, and enjoy the ride! Thanks again, I love you all a ton, and continue to share your thoughts! I love reader feedback of any variety.
She had felt it when Maura had come to stand beside her. She hadn't been able to feel anything else up to that point. Even standing in place, fixing her gaze on a single point on the ground, Jane had felt as though she was adrift, impervious to gravity in the most disconcerting sense. Casey's attempts to reassure her with physical affection failed to have any impact. In fact, she felt even more lost and confused with him at her side.
Why does it feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore? she thought.
Then Maura seemed to materialize beside her.
Suddenly, that was air she was breathing.
That was the ground she could feel under her shoes.
Those were Maura's fingertips almost brushing her sharply protruding knuckles.
All her thoughts and emotions bled together and left her floating in an incomprehensible blur, but Maura anchored her. Maura's presence – the warmth she radiated – was the first thing Jane had actually felt that day.
But Jane was left with little time to process this, as Cavanagh was just finishing his turn at the podium. Jane knew she was next. She drew a deep, bracing breath in and sighed it out, risking a sidelong glance at Maura as she did so. Tear tracks shown on her best friend's cheeks as she gazed at the coffin. Jane was missing her partner, and that hurt. But seeing Maura weeping silently like this was a far worse pain in that moment.
She stepped forward and traded places with the lieutenant at the podium. She dreaded public speaking. Always had. But Frost was her partner. It made sense she would have to share a few brief words in his honor. Now facing the gathering of people who had come to pay their respects, she scanned the faces while she gathered her thoughts. She briefly reviewed the hastily scrawled notes she'd penned early that morning before she left her apartment. After she'd emotionally slammed the door in her husband's face. She glanced down at her hands, drew another breath, and looked up directly at Frost's parents. His mother gave her a tearful but encouraging nod. Bolstered by this, Jane plunged ahead.
"Um," she shifted her weight slightly. Get it together, Rizzoli. One thing at a time. Just…say it like you're talking to Korsak. Or Maura. Say it to Maura. She made fleeting eye contact with her best friend. It was enough to get her going. "Detective Barry Frost was…a rare gem. Even as a rookie detective, he had qualities that you couldn't teach. As partners, we'd been through our share of tough interviews – breaking bad news to friends and family that victims left behind. Detective Frost – Barry – always treated each person as if their time was as valuable to us as it was to them.
"You see a lot of terrible things in this line of work. You see the very worst that human beings are capable of." She gave a small shrug. "That's just the reality of it. In the beginning of a career in law enforcement, you might lose a couple of nights' sleep over a difficult case here and there." Here she paused a moment, cursing what she was now convinced was her own manifestation of PTSD. Hoyt's colorless eyes and deeply lined face loomed in her mind for a moment. She struggled with the next few words, consulting her notes again so as not to lose her place. "And I'd be lying if I said it gets easier to deal with. 'Easier' is not the right word. Every detective – every cop – eventually finds their own way to cope. Some cops get to the point where basically nothing phases them.
"But Frost…" her throat began to close. There were so many memories she hadn't sifted through yet. She looked down again. Breathed, gathered herself. When she raised her eyes, they locked on Maura of their own accord. It seemed like she and Maura, regardless of how lost they felt, would always find each other. She hoped it was true. Maura managed an encouraging smile, and Jane couldn't help feeling that the tears now freshly falling from her best friend's eyes were not merely from mourning, but from pride as well. Yes, that tearful smile seemed to say, "I'm proud of you, Jane." The thought steadied her enough to continue. "Frost wasn't like that. He never…got to that point. He never lost his sense of humor, his ability to make us laugh when we needed it. But more importantly," here she abandoned her notes and looked out at the small gathering, "he never stopped caring. He never got so tired that he just quit, never got so angry and frustrated that he gave up. I think his compassion and his empathy for other people always won out. It seems like a liability when you're in the field and you feel that way. It feels like…like you're being weak." Her she found herself looking Korsak in the eye. So much passed between herself and the sergeant in that breath of a moment. "But really," she gripped the edges of the podium a little tighter, her voice cracking, "I think it was his greatest strength.
"As cops, we're all motivated by the pursuit of justice. That's why we train, why we go out and risk our necks sometimes," here again she found Maura's eyes, "and why, some other times, we spend hours hunched in front of computers or flipping through piles of case files looking for answers. We defend and we uphold the law because it's our job, the job we chose. Frost always reminded me that…our job doesn't stop at enforcing the law. It's not just 'protect.' It's 'protect and serve.'" She tore her eyes from Maura's and made eye contact with Frost's mother again. She was beaming through her tears. Jane almost couldn't continue. "Frost didn't just want to protect people. He wanted to serve them. That's what made him special. Why he was such a joy to work with every day. And why," tears slid unbidden from her eyes and her voice threatened to fail her, but she found Maura's eyes again and pushed through until she was breathless, "why I am so proud to have called him my partner."
A/N: Be forewarned, there will be some serious Casey in the next chapter, but he'll fade out of the story pretty quickly after that. I don't want to say any more, as I am very anti-spoiler. Thanks for bearing with my interpretation of the characters.