TrekWar 3
The Return of the Manly Package
Jon Quantum never thought that he would return to his home planet so soon, but here he was, walking up to the door of the most feared gangster in the GrabAss Galaxy, in an effort to save his friend, Hand Solo Tucker. He would have resorted to his childish urge to suck his thumb, were it not for the fact that he had recently been flushed out of the Deep Poop Pit aboard the Vomit Comet and still felt that he smelled like crap even though he'd taken eleventy-two showers and spent some serious time in the Decon Chamber since then. He didn't ever want to taste his own skin ever again.
Innyways, he knocked upon the door and was admitted by a lackey Quantum wasn't certain was human. He refrained from giggling and pointing a finger at the strange alien, since Empress She-Ho and Princess Top'Heavy both said it was rude and refused to sit on his lap if he did it anymore. The lackey led him straight into the main hall of Bubba Phlox.
To Quantum's surprise Bubba Phlox greeted him with an extra wide smile. "Oh-BendMeOver Quantum, how nice to meet you!" Phlox opened his arms wide in salutation, even as he used the formal title of the newest savior of the GrabAss Galaxy, a title Quantum had not offered to the lackey at the door. Clearly he was a man who knew strange and wonderful things! "Would you care for a snack? I have fresh Snow Beetles! Or perhaps a beverage? I've just milked the teats of my Pyrhithian bat! Bat milk is said to ward off colds and phlegm!"
Quantum shook his head. "No thank you."
"Would you care to have sex with one of my wives then? Or perhaps a daughter or two?" Many pretty women nodded and smiled at Quantum.
"No thank you," Quantum refused. It wasn't that the women weren't pretty; it's just that after so much time spent with Princess Top'Heavy and Empress She-Ho, he was beginning to develop a rash 'down there' and wasn't sure he should spread it off to the most dangerous gangster in the GrabAss Galaxy, even if he was offering sex with his wives and daughters.
"I've come to look at your tapestries," Quantum spoke clearly.
"Tapestries?" Bubba Phlox repeated curiously.
"This is a castle? You do have tapestries?" Quantum asked. "I'm looking for a Southern Tapestry."
"I'm afraid I don't have any Southern Tapestries," Bubba Phlox denied with shifty eyes. "All my tapestries come from a reputable Turkish dealer."
"Oh," Quantum uttered. "I've wasted your time. Perhaps you would take this Orion Slave Girl as a present to make up for my rudeness." He snapped his fingers and a beautiful woman with green skin and pointed ears slunk forward.
Bubba Phlox sighed with dissatisfaction. "Another Orion slave girl? I've already got sixty-three wives and eighty-two mistresses, and I have sexual relations with several of the house boys and a few of the livestock. What do I need with another sex slave?" Bubba Phlox looked eagerly at Quantum. "I heard you have an animal named Port Hose? Would you be willing to part with him? Pet urine makes such a great serum for burn treatments!"
"Um, sure," Quantum agreed. He snapped his fingers and nothing happened. Looking around, he found Port House peeing on a large black box hanging on the wall. "Nice tapestry; is it Southern?" he commented casually as Bubba Phlox's guards stepped forward to secure the canine.
"No, no!" Bubba Phlox brushed away his inquiry. "I'm just holding that for a friend. Eat! Drink! Sleep and be Merry! If you're going to have sex, and I really must recommend that you do, I'd be delighted to watch!"
The rest of the evening passed like a hallucinogenic bacchanal that Quantum hadn't experienced since the wild night he'd spent on Planet Soggy Bottom with Master Stiff UpperLip. Luckily, Princess Top'Heavy, disguised as the Orion Slave Girl, kept her wits about her. She waited until everyone was asleep and then crept up to the black box hung on the wall. She pulled out a scanner to take some readings. Although this was the box that Port Hose had marked with a temporal signature, there was no sign of life.
A light clicked on behind her. She turned around with a gasp. Bubba Phlox's entire court stood there staring at her. "What are you doing?" the gangster asked.
"Top'Heavy! What are you doing? This is someone's house! Respect their boundaries!" Quantum hissed at her from the corner, displaying a keen knack for being a diplomat by denying his status as friend and rescuer.
"You lookin' for me, darlin'?" A smooth voice drawled from behind a Turkish tapestry. The curtain pulled back to expose Hand Solo Tucker, looking very much alive, smiling at her.
"Hand Solo!" Top'Heavy cried, throwing herself into his arms and kissing him profusely. "I thought you were dead!"
"Nah! Turns out Bubba Phlox dunnit know how to hang a tapestry created from a quickly freezin' Poop Pit. I was hung over a heater and I melted. This black square is all that's left. But I made myself useful and Phlox let me stay."
"Useful, how?" Top'Heavy inquired jealously, as she noticed at least three of Phlox's women smilingly too warmly at her hero.
"I managed to squeeze a little more juice out of the old girl," he smirked. Tucker noticed Top'Heavy's dark look and quickly explained further. "I upgraded his electrical system. Now he runs on solar power which is such a money-saver out here in the desert."
"Okay," She grinned and kissed him a lot.
Oh-BendMeOver Quantum sighed heavily. He hadn't even gotten the chance to use his new power over the Farce to save anybody. Everybody was still celebrating Hand Solo Tucker and Quantum didn't earn any props from anyone.
"I hear that, brother," Navigator MaybeNot murmured from just behind Quantum.
"Hey! When did you get here?" Quantum bristled at being startled.
MaybeNot rolled his eyes. "I've been here THE WHOLE TIME!"
After Bubba Phlox had extracted all the dog urine from Port Hose that he could siphon, and Hand Solo Tucker had created a larger tank to hold it in, the heroes got back under way. They still had to fight the Forces of Evil. And someone was hunting Quantum.
Oh-BendMeOver Quantum, Hand Solo Tucker, Princess Top'Heavy, Navigator MaybeNot, and Port Hose took their borrowed shuttle back to the Interstellar Space Mall to meet up with Empress She-Ho. She-Ho had remained behind to contact a former bondsman who might have information about Darth Carsick and the Shadowy Shower Guy.
"This is Spike," She-Ho introduced her friend. "He has telepathic powers and sometimes, when he isn't sending pictures of gay porn to every uptight person he knows, he finds out something useful." She turned to the spiky head alien who wouldn't stop fondling his ball. "Tell them what you told me."
Spike let go of his bauble and sighed. "Darth Carsick and Shadowy Shower Guy are planning to destroy the whole galaxy. They're building a spaceship station, just like the one you previously destroyed."
"Another Evil Apple Core Helix?" Quantum boggled.
"We already know how to destroy it," Top'Heavy pointed out.
"No," denied Spike, fiddling with his ball again. "It's going to be bigger, longer and harder to break into. They call it…The Xindi Ball!"
"Oh!" The heroes all sat upright and gasped. It seemed insurmountable.
"Only I know how to destroy it," Spike went on, fiddling away.
"Oh." The heroes relaxed. It seemed too easy.
"First you have to destroy the main power generator. Then you have to detonate the spot on G-Deck. That will destroy the Xindi Ball!"
She-Ho looked disappointed. "No needlessly complicated systems? No elaborate disguises? No need for an armada of ships, full of big, strong men who only want to take me…er, take care of me?" She sighed. "What a bummer. Get your hand out of your pants and show us where it is."
The gang walked back to the Soor Uranus. "What's with the twiddling?" Navigator MaybeNot asked. Nobody heard him.
A few minutes later, Hand Solo removed his mouth from Top'Heavy's earlobe. "What's with the twiddling?" he asked.
She-Ho shrugged. "He sat down with a sharp pencil in his pocket and busted a nut. He just wants to make sure he keeps the other one."
MaybeNot smirked. "He's psychic. You'd think he'd have seen that coming." Unfortunately it was like talking to himself.
They split up. She-Ho planned to infiltrate the security barracks on the Xindi Ball and keep the security men occupied. Navigator MaybeNot flew Top'Heavy and Hand Solo to the nearby moon to take out the power generator. Port Hose planned to drink out of all the toilets and leave them with nothing to flush (per Quantum's orders, because he wasn't going through that again!). Quantum infiltrated the Xindi Ball and made his way to G-Deck.
Quantum entered what he thought was going to be G-Deck, but instead he found himself on the Bridge. "The hell?" he wondered.
"The Farce is more powerful than you can imagine," droned a dark voice behind him as Darth Carsick made his presence known. "Feel the power of my bluff!"
"D'oh!" Quantum cried out, realizing he'd failed. "When my friends get hold of you…!"
"They will get hold of no one!" Another voice reverberated around the room. A light show lit up in the center, resembling nothing so much as a shower of light.
"Shadowy Shower Guy!" Quantum gasped.
Shadowy Shower Guy nodded. "It is I who allowed your friends to know the location of the power generator. It was I who told Spike to tell you where to go! I knew that gay porn in my head had to be coming from somewhere and there are only so many people who dream of having a single testicle! I mean, come on! How can you be psychic and not see a pencil in your pocket before you sit down?"
Darth Carsick laughed evilly, to deflect attention away from his master's inattention due to that one-balled bastard. "The power generator is quite safe from your pitiful band! I'm afraid the deflector grid will be fully operational when your friends arrive."
"Noooo! Caaaaarsick!" Quantum screamed.
Shadowy Shower Guy laughed evilly. "Muah-ha-ha! It is now at the end of your life that you understand how Evil I am! It is I who shagged your mother!"
"Are you my father?" Quantum asked, hardly daring to breathe.
"No! It's just that your mother's a dirty, dirty whore!" Shadowy Shower Guy smirked. So did Darth Carsick, who'd also had a turn at Mama Quantum. As had most of the second and fifth brigade.
"Shaaaadowwwwyyyy Shooowwwwer Guuuuuuuuy!" Quantum screamed with feeling. This was too much to bear! Oh, and he might have to consider saving his friends too!
Yet, at the moment, there was nothing he could do.
Top'Heavy and Hand Solo dropped back into the sweet smelling grasses with exhaustion. Taking out the power generator was going to be especially difficult, particularly when the shed it was housed inside was surrounded by these red poppies that had a curious effect on Hand Solo's pants. And the manly package inside. They were never going to save the world at this rate! But they were going to have lots of crazy sex!
Inside the shed that housed the power generator, the two guards grew impatient. "I though somebody was going to try and take this thing out?" one of them pouted.
"I'm bored," said the other. "Smoke?" He offered up a cigarette.
"You can't smoke around the power generator! It's flammable!" said the first. "You have to go outside!"
"Okay." Both men stepped outside. They lit up their smokes with a match and then tossed the match over their shoulders. Due to lack of funding in public schools, they had never had a course in fire safety and did not know that throwing away a lit match in a patch of aphrodisiacal poppies growing out of dry grasses would result in a massive fire that would ignite the dangerous chemicals inside the shed that allowed the power to be generated.
Hence they blew up the power generator and made a nice bonfire to keep Top'Heavy and Hand Solo warm all night in their delicate and unclothed positions. Also, Top'Heavy and Hand Solo got all the credit for the explosion.
Aboard the Xindi Ball the Shadowy Shower Guy noticed the pyrotechnics where the power generator had been and screamed out loud. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Darth Carsick liquefied into a puddle of vomit out of fear.
"I only wanted to save the universe!" cried out Shadowy Shower Guy. "I heard that you were important to the whole of existence, I just never knew what was supposed to happen!"
"How is it that you could know what is going to happen?" Quantum asked, preparing to use his power of the Farce. He was unprepared for the next entrance.
"Hello, Jon."
Quantum knew that voice and his Farce wilted. He turned around to see the man who whispered in his ear in a familiar way.
"Want to sit on my lap?" Oh-BendMeOver Daniels appeared behind Jon Quantum.
"Not right now," Quantum refused. "I'm trying to save the world."
"What world?" Snarked Darth Carsick as he rose from his puddle of vomit to retake humanoid form. He thought Archer was talking to himself. "You're standing on a spaceship station."
"I'm. trying. To. Save. All. The. Worlds," Quantum gritted out through clenched teeth. Stupid semantics!
"I don't understand!" Shadowy Shower Guy cried out in anguish.
"Join the club," muttered Quantum, clutching his head.
"Long ago before I knew any of you I knew that I would be important in your lives, so I learned about time travel, although technically I won't do that for another dozen years, and only if I sit on the lap of the right man in a drunken haze on Risa, but when I do that I'll find out that Quantum is important to the whole of existence and find a way to meet him in the future which would be my past when I first discovered about time travel," Daniels explained easily.
"Time travel makes my head go 'splody," Quantum moaned.
"That is truer than you know, Jon," Daniels stated, taking a step back from Quantum.
In Quantum's frustration in trying to decipher dead vs. living and predestined vs. free-willed and poop smell from vomit, Jon's head grew redder and redder. Sweat beaded on his brow. "Can't. Comprehend." He gritted out, as though it pained him. His head got bigger and bigger and redder and redder. "Must think…complicated…thoughts!"
Quantum's head exploded, resulting in a quantum singularity that threatened to suck up all life in existence. He was going to destroy the world. Well, all of the worlds actually.
Shadowy Shower Guy was struck with inspiration. He stepped out of his white light ablution and shoved Quantum's headless body into the void being created. The mass of Archer's attitude swelled to fill in every nook and cranny of the quantum singularity; therefore blocking the sucking void from taking place.
"What do you know?" Shadowy Shower Guy murmured as he stood there looking. "Quantum was important to the HOLE of existence."
Both Daniels and Carsick groaned at the pun.
"Hey! I'm Shadowy Shower Guy!" The no-longer shadowy guy standing nowhere near his temporal shower stuck out a hand in greeting. "People used to call me Admiral Maxwell Forrest, before they thought I became evil in my quest to find Quantum and guide him to this point in time and space."
Daniels and Carsick stared at the human and rolled their eyes just as the lights flickered all over the ship.
Port Hose had drunk all the water in every toilet, bird bath and fountain on board this monstrously large spaceship station. The stream of urine that he let out in the corner of some room with humming equipment dribbled down into the main electrical grid and shut off all the lights in a shower of sparks.
Gee, Port Hose thought. If Bubba Phlox can figure out how to retro-engineer his solar powered energy, he'll make a killing with this retrofit! There was nobody around to tell his idea to though; not that humans understood him anyway. Port Hose sighed and went back to peeing.
Down in the main security barracks, an exhausted and disheveled She-Ho looked around; she had been exerting her powers of seduction over the main security force, but was discovering that it was larger than she had estimated. After she had exerted herself for hours, they did not seem to be failing in the slightest.
"What is with you guys?" she panted, pushing a sweaty forelock off her face. "Do you take extra vitamins or something?"
"We are androids," stated the first well-endowed man to her left. "Mechanical parts covered with a bio-synthetic skin. We are fully functional and we never break down."
She-Ho let her eyes drift downward, over his manly package. "Really? It's like a dream come true!"
"We are programmed with multiple techniques," murmured another, who looked just like the first.
"Reeeeally?" Her eyes glowed with hot greed and she gulped a large mouthful of water before stripping away the remains of her clothes. "I may never leave this room! Who's next?"
Aboard the Soor Uranus, Navigator MaybeNot sighed with boredom as he waited for word from She-Ho or Top'Heavy or Hand Solo or Oh-BendMeOver Quantum. "They're always forgetting me! Isn't anyone ever going to tell me if we won?"
With a heavy sigh, he settled into the cockpit to wait for word that didn't come, and while he waited he watched gay porn.
Somewhere far away on a world known as Soggy Bottom, Stiff UpperLip sat with his eyes closed in meditation. "Of course he saved the universe," Stinky muttered. "It was his Destiny to save us." He pondered that thought. "Actually, it really was his Density. Heh!"
The END.