Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, whose words I took verbatim for a few places in this chapter.
~*~ Chapter Seventeen ~*~
The fast pace made the landscape around them blur. Eyes closed tight against the onslaught of rushing air, Bella knew that they were moving deeper into the trees. She had no idea how far away she was from her truck and the high school. She knew only that she was completely vulnerable to the cold arms and hard chest holding her in.
Please let me be okay, Bella prayed in her mind.
Her right arm was trapped between their bodies, her head against a shoulder, and her left hand reflexively clutching the one opposite. Risking moving her neck against the force of air pressing her against her captor, Bella looked up. The familiar jawline and straight nose of a model-perfect boyish face were just visible through her squinting eyes. Recognition gave her a new level of panic, and Bella shut her eyes tight again. Oh, God, what's happening?
No sound indicated his effort in carrying her at this speed. There were no footfalls, no breaths or grunts of exertion. At every second Bella expected to feel the slap of a tree branch hitting her body, but it never happened. He was being careful.
Soon their speed reduced until he had stopped running altogether. Bella opened her eyes and saw that they were in a clearing, a perfectly round opening in the woods. Slowly, Bella was lowered from her bride-over-the-threshold position back onto her feet.
When Edward released her, she stumbled back from him, arms held out to ward him off. The adrenaline rush was the only thing keeping her on her unsteady feet. Fear pumped through her veins, and she knew that he could hear the rapid pa-puhm pa-puhm of her heartbeat. Was Edward hungry? Would Alice see what was happening and save her? Would Carlisle come?
Across from her, Edward also had his arms out, palms upward. "I just want to talk," he said, his musical voice gentle and offering no alarm. Bella wasn't ready to believe him. They kept up the dance a few more seconds, Bella stumbling backwards, circling away while Edward continued facing her.
"Just talk," Edward repeated, the topaz eyes of his beautiful face pleading.
Bella stopped moving her feet. Her arms dropped. "Okay."
Nodding slowly, Edward also stopped moving. "Okay."
They stood in the middle of the meadow, six feet apart, facing each other.
"Any reason why you couldn't have used the phone this time?" Nerves made Bella's words sound harsh, despite the decision that she had just made to trust him.
"I don't think that what I have to say should be done any other way than privately, face-to-face."
When he didn't continue, Bella simply stared at him, waiting.
"It's about Rosalie," Edward said.
Bella's expression softened. "Is she okay?"
"No, she hasn't been okay for some time." There was a beat before Edward continued. "I know from Carlisle that you'd already heard of what happened to Rosalie. I am grateful that last night wasn't your first introduction to her story."
Bella blinked at him. "Why does that matter?"
Edward hesitated, and his mouth quirked in a sort of half-smirk. "I suppose it really wouldn't have been that much less of a shock. You'll have to forgive me, Bella. I've become somewhat desensitized over the years. Not enough, though." This last was just a murmur.
"What do you mean?" Bella asked.
Edward sat himself on the ground and motioned to Bella to do the same. The dead brown grass was frozen against the hard soil beneath it. Bella sat; it wasn't too uncomfortable.
"Her flashbacks," Edward answered. "What you experienced last night, what Rosalie said… she goes through that every single day, and has since the moment she woke."
Bella's jaw became loosened as Edward's words sunk in. "Jesus."
"She's never spoken aloud about it before. In the beginning, Carlisle knew that she would relive the trauma in her mind, but he's never known the full extent of it. Before last night, I've been the only one that knew they were flashbacks, and still occurring."
"Your mind-reading ability."
"Yes."
Left knee bent, Bella started playing with the laces on her sneaker. "You said that she's not okay?"
"Rosalie has a great deal of self-control, but not even she would be 'okay' going through that." Edward continued, "You know the solution she's found to deal with her pain."
Bella's mind was moving very rapidly in more than one direction. First, she thought of Edward experiencing all these flashbacks with Rosalie. It reminded her of what she had thought before meeting Edward: that he was a victim of Rosalie. Yet that thought got dropped when Bella focused on Rosalie experiencing flashbacks, her angry, destructive even hypervigilant behavior. Her reaction to the topic of safety last night had proven that her emotions were volatile. All these symptoms added up in Bella's mind.
"Rosalie has post-traumatic stress," Bella said, looking at Edward with wide eyes. "She's been suffering from PTSD for nearly eighty years."
Edward's mouth half-opened. His eyes darted over Bella's face as he considered her words. "Yes. Yes, actually, you could absolutely say that."
Bella's eyebrows lowered. "Are you saying that you didn't realize this until now?"
"PTSD was hardly a commonly diagnosed condition in the 1930s, Bella," Edward defended. "The medical field only acknowledges it in hindsight."
"Doesn't matter!" Bella stood up and glared down her nose at Edward. "You've known all this time she's been flashing back. You should be doing something to help her, not her mission."
Edward calmly met her gaze. "What makes you think I haven't been?"
"Oh, maybe the fact that she's obviously not better."
"She's better, Bella." Edward never broke eye contact. Wisdom and a sort of agelessness stared out of his topaz gaze, cooling Bella's indignation. "She's just not cured."
Bella began to feel foolish as she stood, hands on hips, looking down on Edward's calm, too-perfect face. Her arms dropped, and soon the rest of her followed, returning to her seated position beside him. "Kind of hard to find a cure when you don't know the disease," she offered. It was an apology and, unfortunately, held a trace of taunting. Edward silently accepted the former and ignored the latter.
"Rosalie and I share a very… precarious dynamic."
Sister/brother, victimized psycho/therapist, vigilante killers, Bella listed in her head.
"Your mind-reading, experiencing her flashbacks with her," Bella began instead. "Is that why you avoided being around her so much at first?"
Edward raised an eyebrow at Bella, impressed. "I see Carlisle really has shared with you."
Bella nodded. "We talk."
Edward's expression was unfathomable for a moment, before he took a short breath.
"The pain of what Rosalie goes through," Edward continued, "as awful and as powerful as it is, was only one element. Every time I saw it in her mind, I felt the same rage she would feel, the same desire to go out and punish. It appealed to the monster within, made the venom burn."
Edward's eyes searched Bella's face, looking for understanding. "It can almost take away your sense of self, your higher-minded reasoning. All you feel is your venom. The instinct is so strong many act without stopping to think. They give themselves over entirely to being the monster, the vampire. There is no pull stronger. Forgive me, but there is nothing ever felt as a human to equal it."
Bella simply nodded. In a way, Edward was apologizing and trying to make up for the way he'd treated her when they first met. Bella leaned back onto her bare hands, shifting her position on the hard ground. "So, Rosalie's flashbacks made you have to challenge your own demon every time."
"Yes."
"So now the two of you together both . . . indulge your demons."
Edward stiffened. "It's not quite like that, Bella. Neither Rosalie nor I want to be vampires. It's one more thing that we have in common."
"You don't want to be…? I don't understand." To Bella, Rosalie and Edward were the most vampiric of the Cullen clan, the most embracing of their darker natures. What Edward was saying just didn't match up with how she understood them.
"Rosalie never wanted to be anything other than human. She wishes she could get that back, or at the very least have died the night that Carlisle found her."
Bella looked down at the dirt and dead grass.
"Her anger helps her to do what she does, propels her the only way she knows to save herself," Edward continued.
"What about you?" Bella asked, turning her head towards him.
"It's always hard for me to accept what I am. I'll never completely forgive myself for those years I spent… actually feeding." Edward's expression was wary, as if afraid that Bella would condemn him for his admission. "Rosalie's 'mission,' as you put it, is a compromise that I could agree on. I firmly believe that we are contributing. We do help humans in allowing our monsters only a limited lead. I am also obligated to Rosalie."
"Why?"
"Royce King." Edward answered, eyes probing. When he saw comprehension on Bella's face, he knew that Carlisle had not held back in sharing that fact as well. "Rosalie blames me for not having prevented what happened to her, and every time I see her flashbacks, I can't help but wish that I had."
Bella didn't know what to say. Pity was her foremost reaction, but it wasn't something she wanted to offer, particularly since it felt so unfamiliar when paired with Edward Masen. Wasn't this the same guy who had sneaked into her bedroom while she slept? Yet, looking at Edward's downcast angelic face, Bella didn't really feel herself caring about that anymore.
Bella sat up, removing the weight from her hands. Thinking of Rosalie's flashback made her wrist to ache again. Holding it in her lap, Bella began to absently rub it when the gesture suddenly became all too familiar. She'd often done the same thing back in March, after Port Angeles.
Bella shifted again on the hard ground.
"Here," Edward said and made the unexpectedly chivalrous gesture of removing his coat and spreading it out for her to rest on. Underneath he wore a simple button-down. Not enough to keep away the chill for a human, but enough for him. Bella rose and sat again, resting on the far more comfortable gray wool.
"Thank you," said Bella softly. She touched the back of his left hand, feeling the familiar marble cool she expected. "That's a long time to not forgive yourself, Edward."
Edward closed his eyes slowly before giving a small smirk. "Rosalie doesn't let me forget."
"Her flashbacks," Bella nodded understandingly, but Edward shook his head, eyes open again.
"No, I mean Rosalie. She has a good heart, but she is a manipulator, Bella." Edward's voice rose in intensity, the brief tranquility between them gone. "I told you she has great self-control. Why do you think she actually voiced her flashback last night? Something that she has never done before in the seventy-two years she's been experiencing them?"
Bella had no answer.
"She did it because of you, Bella. She deliberately chose to break your innocence. Last night wasn't about sharing, or asking for help. It's one thing to need to speak aloud about something inside in order to move forward and heal. It's completely another to bombard others with graphic details of your victimization to the point that you make them sick and grieving. That's why Carlisle was so angry."
Carlisle's anger, now it made sense. Bella felt for Carlisle, and at the same time her mind tried to grasp what Rosalie's actions had to do with her. She was completely at a loss. "She wanted me to hear that? Why?"
Edward stood, stepping away then back again. Loyalties twisted within him. For better or worse, Rosalie had been his companion for decades. Betraying her thoughts went against the grain. Yet he was also very committed to Bella's well-being. It was as though he had been fated to care for her, not that he would ever have chosen otherwise anyway. Fate or choice, Edward knew that he still cared for Bella. "Rosalie wants you to understand her pain, feel her anger because, like her, you were once a victim. She identifies with you in a way that she hasn't with anyone else we've ever saved or known to be victimized."
Bella closed her eyes. Mental images danced against the physical blackness. Her picture of Royce was meshed with that of Alonzo, and soon became just Alonzo himself. Bella didn't wanted to see it, and her body gave a little twitch of protest against the visuals. She opened her eyes.
Edward crouched down again, this time in front of Bella. His expression was very earnest. "Be careful of what she says to you, Bella. Rosalie is recruiting."
Bella knew that Edward wasn't referring to her physical prowess. She scrambled up and stepped back from him. "You said when we got here that you cared how much of a shock her words were to me. Why didn't you stop her if you knew what she was deciding? If you agree with her philosophy, why tell me this?"
"I don't want to see you manipulated." Edward rose so that they stood across from each other again, though this time there was much less space between them. "I want your choices to be your own, not made because someone is pushing your buttons to edge you toward their own preference."
"I've never shown approval for your lifestyle. How could Rosalie think that I would change my…" Bella stopped. Rosalie's words last night were running through her mind again. Bella hugged herself, face fallen. What had happened to Rosalie was the worst sort of nightmare, and it was one that Bella had nearly lived herself. Was she glad that those men had been stopped? All seven of them, Rosalie's five and Bella's own two? Yes. Then Bella remembered. Clifford Pendleton had just been released from jail.
Rubbing her arms against the increased chill in the air, Bella turned her back on the youthful vampire who was patiently waiting for her to gather her thoughts. For a brief moment, Bella hated Rosalie. Hated her for sharing her own experience, hated Edward for not stopping her speech. Which was almost exactly what Rosalie held over Edward's head: his inaction. She shook her head. Bella had been condemning Edward for his actions with Rosalie, now she was condemning him for his inaction with her. Bella would not be a hypocrite.
"I almost wish I had never known you," she said.
"You're angry with me." Edward's voice was sad.
"Not with you. Just angry, period." Bella looked over her shoulder. "I'm sorry, but you're the handiest target right now."
"I am sorry, Bella. I don't want to add to the pressure you are under."
Bella turned around and sighed, lowering her shoulders. "Truthfully, I wish the two of you could just leave me alone and I wouldn't have to think about any of this." In passive frustration, Bella waved her arms, snorting. "Take me home; go back to Rosalie and be her sidekick. Just leave me out of it."
Edward smiled a dazzling smile at her. "At least you think of me as a superhero.
"No." Bella shook her head at him. "No, Edward, you're the bad guy."
His grin was quickly lost. Edward stared at Bella, her pensive expression as she looked away into the trees. He'd brought her here, so determined to get alone with her to talk. He realized that he and Rosalie had another thing in common: they both wanted Bella's approval. He, himself, was desperate for it in fact.
Edward dropped to sitting on the ground again. "I'm not the bad guy, Bella," he said. "I'm not bent on killing for fun or even vengeance. I have had higher ambitions. If I'd been allowed to leave the country, I believe I could have stopped some of the Nazis."
"What?" Bella's head turned back toward him at this unexpected topic hop.
"The Nazis were gaining power just when Rosalie and I set out from the rest of the family. More and more we heard of the way things were going in Europe." Edward looked up at Bella. "When I had been human I'd intended to join the army once I turned eighteen. That would have been World War I. Twenty years later, when the situation in Europe became more volatile I saw my chance to finally serve."
Listening, Bella sat to his left, again on the wool coat, closing the distance between them.
"What Rosalie and I were doing was already something that helped, but here was an opportunity to help out a grander scale, to do something even more noble. I could use my ability to prevent success of Axis plots, to warn families before they were sent to concentration camps. I might even have gone after Hitler." Edward scoffed at himself. "I was naïve enough to think I could get away with it. I intended to leave for Germany and start there."
"What happened?" Bella asked.
"Rosalie disapproved. The war meant nothing to her; she was more caught up in preventing the human crimes, the violence against individual innocents. Soldiers didn't mean anything to her. Neither did the Jewish population."
Bella was appalled at this lack of humanity. She hadn't believed Rosalie to be that bad. Edward noticed her expression, and for once didn't need to be able to read her mind. Repeating the gesture she had made earlier, Edward touched the back of her hand. Bella was surprised by the brief shock, and pretended not to notice it.
"What I said sounds harsh. I'm sorry." He inclined his head toward hers. "It was more like Rosalie deliberately put blinders on, and believed the propaganda that nothing wrong was happening to the Jews. I did tell you that Rosalie has gotten better over the decades, Bella. I am certain that she regrets now the decisions she made then. At the time, however, she was too caught up in dealing with her own pain, in implementing her own mission, to bend. Saving the individual, especially a woman, was the most important thing to her. She wouldn't open to the idea of going to Europe, so I intended to leave without her.
"I told the rest of the family of my intentions. Only the four of them knew. Then the Volturi descended."
"The Volturi?" Bella asked, confused.
Edward gave her a half-smile. He found it interesting that in all of his talks with Bella Carlisle had never mentioned the Volturi. "The Volturi are the law-enforcers of our kind. They make sure our existence stays under the radar."
"How?"
"They kill anyone that becomes too conspicuous."
"Punishing with death, that sounds familiar," Bella muttered, and Edward gave no response. "So," Bella continued, regretting her words, "they caught up with you and Rosalie?"
"Yes. They sent two of their guard to watch us, specifically to make sure that I didn't cross the ocean. They'd been made aware of my intentions and deemed it too dangerous. I'd be interfering with human political events, human history, and that couldn't be allowed."
"Did they stop you otherwise?"
Edward briefly shook his head. "No. They had no problem with our killing humans – to them it was just as though we had a particular taste, even though we didn't actually feed off of them. They did, occasionally, though."
"Ugh." Bella's fingers rose in protest, the motion causing her arm to brush against his. "Couldn't you… find a way to get around them? By reading their minds?"
"It wasn't that simple. They're the equivalent of the royal guard. If I got away from them and headed to Europe, more would be sent after me, and there would be no mercy. The Volturi are based in Italy. It would have been like running away from the cub and into the lion's den. If I had any faith that I might avoid them long enough to accomplish something, I might have tried anyway, despite the punishment. However, the Volturi guards have several unique talents."
Edward was quiet for a moment. "Not being in Europe didn't keep me from being aware of what was happening over there: the Holocaust, air raids, cities occupied. The situation was growing more and more desperate long before our side joined and the atomic bomb was introduced. I couldn't do anything about it, like a child locked in his room."
He looked so sad, this amazingly beautiful boy sitting beside her, and at the same time, sympathetic. Guiltily, Bella realized that she had severely misjudged Edward. He might be a killer, but he had a heart – a good one. He may not be the "definition of good" like Carlisle, but in his own way Edward tried to do right for those around him. Without even thinking about it, Bella pressed a quick comforting kiss to Edward's cheek.
Mistake.
She had a split second of sensing Edward's face turn in towards her, his mouth touching hers. In one dizzying motion she was hardly aware of, Bella found herself lying on her back, Edward's fingers curling around her upper left arm. His torso loomed over hers, not touching and yet keeping her underneath him. His lips pressed and moved against hers in a sort of needy tribute.
Bella froze.
Edward's lips were chilled, and however urgently they pressed against hers, they were gentle, not fierce. Her mind went blank.
Neither noticed the sunshine briefly break through before it disappeared again.
Oh, sweet Lord, what am I doing? Edward thought. Their entire time in the wintry meadow Bella had been moving gradually closer to him, not even aware of it. He was happy; they were actually meeting each other on an intellectual level. When her warm lips had touched his cheek, and he'd felt her breath, catching her scent, Edward had forgotten everything else but his attraction to her. Bella felt so soft beneath him, smelled so good. Yet her posture was stiff; she was completely taken by surprise. He propelled himself from her, landing four feet away in a crouch. Bella lay on the ground, not moving and staring up at the sky.
"Where did that come from?" she breathed.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have."
The only sound was Bella's breath moving in and out. She pushed herself up into a sitting position and looked over at Edward. He was still crouched on the ground, but not as though he was about to pounce again. More as though he was embarrassed with himself.
Bella's heart was pounding. Seeing Edward, bronze hair all askew, pale, perfect skin and lean muscles prominent from the position he was holding himself in – it really wasn't a bad thing to be looking at. Not to mention that he had just kissed her, and they were alone in the middle of some dead meadow miles away from town.
"Edward, why did you bring me here?"
"To talk. I really only brought you here to talk."
"Yes, but why? I understand that you wanted to speak to me in person, but why was it necessary to snatch me from the school parking lot and bring me so far away from everyone?"
"Um," Edward began, swallowing. "After the night that I… that we met, Carlisle and the rest of the family decided that I shouldn't be left alone with you."
"I see." Gradually, Bella's heart was slowing down. Very gradually. "So if Alice had seen you make the decision to get me alone, she would have prevented it? That's why you took me so suddenly?"
"Actually, no. After Carlisle obviously turned down my offer to drive you home last night, I decided that this was what I would have to do to get to talk to you. Alice knows that we're here."
"Alice," Bella muttered, remembering Alice telling Bella she knew with whom her first kiss would be. Alice had known all along that Edward would kiss her, and she'd advised Bella to listen to her heart. Right now, it was Bella's hormones doing the talking. Edward was suddenly very very appealing. On the other hand, he was still Edward.
Edward could sense the change in Bella, the tensing of certain areas, the change in her always-delectable scent. Alice had told him, in this same place, that he could confuse things. In that moment Edward knew how very right she was. He could woo Bella and meet with some success. Yet Bella was capable of making Carlisle happy. They just needed the time, without Edward's interference. Hadn't he just told Bella that he wanted her to make her own choices, without being persuaded? He had to let her choose Carlisle, even though Edward could sense his own advantage. I am on a very precarious road.
"Why did you kiss me?" Bella asked him, rising to her feet.
Edward smiled at her. "Would you understand what I meant if I said that I was only human?"
Bella snorted. "Maybe if you said that you were only male."
"Hormones? I suppose that's true, and a surprising truth, actually, but it's not just that." Edward paused. How to be honest and still present himself as unwilling to pursue her? "You are… appealing to me. Not just your scent. Your chocolate eyes, the way your forehead crinkles when you frown at me." When he heard her pulse quicken, Edward changed direction. "Your blocked thoughts. Being around you is frustrating and soothing all at once. It's also quite dangerous. I find the combination nearly irresistible."
Dangerous is right, Bella thought. Don't forget that, Bella! Bella took a careful step back, then stopped herself. Time to be honest. "I don't mind you, Edward. I don't actively dislike you, and I don't want to tell you that I don't want to be friends. I do. But I'd just as soon not be feasted on either."
Edward's lips curved in mild amusement. "Interesting choice of words."
God, he's beautiful, Bella thought. As if in response, the sun broke free of the clouds.
It was the full effect. Prior to this, Bella had only seen snatches of sparkle on different areas of skin as light made it onto one of the Cullens inside their home. Now, on what was mostly a gray day, Edward's face, neck and hands sparkled and shined.
"Bella?" Edward questioned when she gave a small gasp. "Are you alright?" Surely she was used to the sight by now?
"I've never…" Bella answered his queries, both spoken and unspoken. "Not like this. Only hints of diamond skin."
Edward smiled at her, his features softened by affection and playfulness. "Allow me to show you, then."
Starting from the top, Edward undid the buttons of his shirt. Bella swallowed. More white flesh, glistening like crystal, became exposed, revealing Edward's perfect musculature. He stopped when he undid the lowest button, leaving his shirt to hang open.
Bella simply stared at him, eyes taking it in. Slowly she took a step closer, reaching out with her hand. "May I?"
Edward held perfectly still, then nodded. This was pushing things, and was potentially terribly wrong, but he couldn't deny Bella her mostly innocent request.
Her fingertips touched his clavicle, and lightly ran along what was visible of his collarbone.
Bella marveled at the satin smooth texture, cool as marble. Edward closed his eyes.
"You can't imagine how that feels," he sighed.
Carefully, Bella dropped her hand, and Edward opened his eyes again.
"It's the skin of a monster, Bella."
"No," she said. "It's not."
Somehow, they both knew that she was referring to his family, and that she included him among them.
She smiled at him. "Well. That's it then."
Edward nodded. Stepping back from her, he buttoned up his shirt, one at a time. Gradually, the strength of the sunlight waned, and the luminescence of Edward's skin slowly began to abate. "I'll take you back, now."
"I'd appreciate that."
They didn't really say anything more. Edward retrieved his coat. He had said his piece, and given Bella a lot to think about, more than he intended to. Expression closed, he held his arms out to Bella, and she stepped into them, allowing him to lift her. Soon they were running again.
As before, Bella kept her eyes shut. Rosalie, Clifford, Volturi, death- these were all things that she would think about later, once she was alone. Now, her thoughts were on Edward. More accurately, they were on Alice. Alice had asked her to let more of her romantic side loose, and to know her heart well enough to not make a mistake. She'd told Bella that her first kiss would not be with the same person as her first boyfriend. Well, Bella had just had her first kiss- and while she'd frozen, a part of her had just been about to melt and respond. Thankfully, Edward had pulled back before she'd done just that.
The thought of Edward as a boyfriend was laughable, actually. A human with a killer vampire, a plain-looking girl with a boy fit to be on the runway. That aside, it was Edward, whom Bella had come fairly close to detesting. Well, she didn't detest him now, but was more than happy to keep their relationship on a more platonic level. Romance just wouldn't factor in there, no matter how her hormones had reacted.
For now, though, Bella thought that she might as well enjoy it. Being held and carried by someone as beautiful as Edward wasn't going to happen every day. Eyes still closed, Bella turned her face into him.
Edward caught the scent of her slight arousal and gritted his teeth against his own body's reaction. Self-control…
The kiss had been a mistake. He'd introduced a different dynamic between them that wasn't supposed to be there. Well, it was there, but it was supposed to remain ignored. Instead, he'd forced himself into acknowledging his attraction to her. Damn it, she was attracted to him, too. He would have been better off not knowing that. Not pursuing her would be easier if he didn't know that.
Setting Bella down by her truck in the now deserted parking lot, they exchanged an awkward good-bye. Bella didn't make eye contact with him, but then she paused and looked at him over her shoulder before climbing into her truck. Yes, kissing her had been a mistake, Edward thought as he watched her drive away. However, since it was to be the only intimacy they would share, he couldn't quite bring himself to regret it.
A/N: Well, how about that? Anyone surprised?
Carlisle's a giving man, but soon it'll be time for him to reclaim this story.
Thanks so much to AlltheOtherNamesAreUsed for looking this chapter over for me, despite her very busy schedule this weekend. I got the chapter out today because she rocks.
Next Chapter... We'll see some Carlisle. (Yay!) We'll see some Charlie. And, uh-oh, Rosalie is going to get herself some one-on-one time with Bella.