Title: Who You Were
Author: sera_rocks / Sera
Rating: M
Summary: After his father's death, James Lucas Scott is forced to go back to Tree Hill and the house he abandoned years ago to search for the will. What he finds goes beyond mere bequeathed possessions as he uncovers the secret past of the father he never knew, and the unforgettable love of two people who were destined to be together.
A/N: This is not an illusion. This is really an update. I know, shocking. I am so sorry for the extremely long wait. I took a long break from the show and a lot of fandoms actually to focus on real life. It's been a hard few weeks for me, so I hope you understand the hiatus. This chapter is unbeta-ed so please excuse any grammatical errors or typos and the like. Thanks for the wonderful reviews that kept me going in writing this chapter for you and please keep them coming! Constructive criticism is also very much welcome and duly noted. :)
Chapter 8:
There was a sudden calm in the air whenever his mother stepped into the room. She had a certain kind of warmth to her, like she made everyone feel safe. When James was a little boy, he used to think that his mother had superpowers, as if having the ability to naturally calm people down was her power. When he grew up, he realized that Haley was just an amazing mother, and that everything she did came naturally to her.
Even now, as he stood in front of her, she still had that effect on him and his nerves of seeing her again were instantly gone. Immediately, he threw himself at her and despite her being much smaller than him, it felt like he was home. He hadn't felt her hug and touch in years. He held her at arms' length and gazed at her. Time and age had done her well. Her hair was now a faded dark brown with streaks of gray, and her face lined but she was still effortlessly beautiful – especially her eyes. They were still as expressive and kind as they always were.
"Damn it Jamie, you are much too tall to be letting me hug you this way. You're going to give me back pains tonight," she mockingly complained while he laughed. "I feel like so odd calling you 'Jamie' when you are, how old now? Thirty? Thirty-five?"
"You're the only person in the world who can still call me that, mom." He sincerely said, feeling happier than he had ever felt since the last time he saw her.
Haley smiled, tiny crow's feet crinkling at the corner of her eyes. She lovingly grazed the side of her son's face with the tip of her fingers, gazing intently at him. For a split second, her eyes were suddenly filled with sadness, which didn't go unnoticed to James. She saw the questioning look on his face and quietly explained, "You look so much like your father, Jamie. It's like I'm looking at him right now."
Normally, James would have recoiled at the thought of being compared to his father again, but this time, he shrugged as if it was the most normal thing to him, and went inside. He shut the door behind him and looked around. The house hadn't changed. Unlike the other house which clearly looked like it had been abandoned, this one looked like it had been recently occupied. His mother was an exceedingly neat and organized person but everything gave off the feel that it had been used … touched … cared for. His heart swelled at the thought of seeing her again. "I've missed you so much, mom. You have no idea."
"I've missed you too," she leaned up on tiptoe to lay a kiss on his cheek. "How are Beth and the kids?"
"They're great. I plan on bringing them over here soon."
Haley beamed at him in response. She always loved spending time with her grandchildren whenever she had the chance. James had lost count of how many times his children nagged him about when they were going to see Haley again.
James gazed at the nearest set of framed photographs, particularly on the one in the middle. It was a picture of his mother and father, but unlike all the other pictures he had seen, they looked so happy and in love. Nathan's arm was around her shoulders while she had her arms wrapped around his waist while they both smiled at the camera. They both looked to be quite young, around their early twenties. The glinting wedding rings on their fingers didn't go unnoticed, either.
"We just got married," explained Haley softly. Her expression was reminiscent again, much like it was whenever it rained. She ran her finger lightly over the glass of the frame and pointed to a rather faded part of the picture. "You can't see it now, but that was the house we were living in then."
Curiosity overcame James and when he spoke, his voice was full of pleading urgency. "How come I only saw this now? I've seen every picture in this house at least twice. I would have seen this picture before. I was always looking for some sort of sign that at one point in time, you and dad were both in love and …"
Haley held up her hand, smiling sadly as she did. "Your father and I loved each other very much, Jamie. You know how many times I've told you that. We will always love each other, despite differences we've had."
Tired of hearing his mother say that speech for the umpteenth time, James sighed, digging his hands deep into his jacket pockets. "Where did the picture come from?"
"It's mine," she answered. "It's always been with me everywhere I go, but since I hardly go anywhere now, I decided to give it a frame. It should be here. This place deserves even just one picture of us happy."
James silently wished he could have seen that picture before. It could have given him so much hope. Perhaps he wouldn't have been so bitter of what had happened with his parents. Perhaps he wouldn't have been so mad at his father. He cast a wary glance at his mother and judging by the look on her face, she knew what he was silently wishing.
"There's no use wondering what could have been, Jamie. You know that."
He nodded and after watching her take a seat on the couch, he sat down next to her. "How long have you been in town?"
"A few weeks," she replied. "I've been preparing for the funeral … fixing the house … hiring people … there's no one else who would do it."
"You could've –"
"Told you?" Haley finished, smiling slightly. "I don't think you would have agreed, even if it were me who asked."
James was silent for a moment. "I'm sorry I didn't see you at the funeral. I wanted to see you. I really did. I just wanted to get it over with and if I saw you, I don't think I could have handled seeing you cry or hurt."
"Jamie, I've lived a long life. I know death comes with age, and if it was your father's time, it was his time. I've learned to accept the inevitable, just like what the rest of my life was."
"Would you tell me – would you tell me what the rest of your life was?"
Her eyes narrowed slightly in confusion. "Jamie, what exactly is this about?"
Noumea, New Caledonia, 1942
"You're a bloody idiot, you know that?" Jake remarked as he watched Nathan hurriedly get dressed in the limited space of their tent.
"Why, because I am trying to impress this amazing girl by visiting her at –" he glanced at his watch. "–one in the morning?"
"No, because you have already gotten in trouble by stealing this amazing girl from everyone until one in the morning," replied Jake, referring to the incident that occurred yesterday when the general had reprimanded Nathan. "By the way, you shouldn't have to worry about impressing her. She seems to really like you already."
Nathan paused in the middle of his buttoning his uniform. "It's not enough."
Jake blatantly stared at his friend. "What do you mean it's not enough? That girl doesn't see any other man in this entire camp but you! This morning at breakfast, she was talking to the general but her gaze was at you! And now you're telling me that it's not enough?"
He was quiet for a moment, completely stilling from what he was previously doing. "When I was in high school, Haley was in a completely different social circle. Well, you know how high school was, and truth be told, I was a jackass. I didn't bother associating with people like her. But she always stood out to me. I used to look for her every day, even when I haven't actually seen her face yet. Just to catch even a small, quick glimpse of her – it was enough. She was everything I wanted to be, everything I wished I could be. I want her to know that. I want her to know that I've always felt that way."
Jake continued to stare at Nathan, unable to say anything. When he finally found it in himself to speak, he remarked, "The war has softened you."
Nathan laughed while shaking his head in amusement. His face went from amused to serious as he gazed through the slit of the tent and out into the darkness of the night. He could see the glow of the moon outside and wondered how long would they be living this way – how long until the enemy attacked them. He silently wished Haley would be gone by then. "The war has changed a lot of things."
Jake nodded and he fell back onto the sleeping bag as he stared at the roof of the tent. "You think when this war is over, we'll be …" His voice drifted off and he let the silence finish the sentence. He couldn't bring himself to.
"I don't know," answered Nathan honestly. He resumed to buttoning his shirt and added, "But I'm not going to waste any chances, as long as Haley as here and as long as I'm alive." There, he said it. Nathan felt a shiver of fear go through him as his mind considered the immense possibility that he could die here. He had never really thought about death before. He went into this war with the intent of getting it over with and going home as soon as possible. Even with Lucas' letters talking about death, the thought had never really sunk in until now. Nathan swallowed, and pushed the thought away from his mind.
Just as he was about to crawl out of the tent, he heard Jake call his name. He looked over his shoulder. "Yeah?"
"You don't have to worry about her forgetting you when she leaves. Trust me, she won't."
Hearing Jake acknowledge what Nathan had been thinking about all day made him truly thankful for a friend like him. He didn't know anyone else here who could give him that kind of reassurance. The last time he had a friend like Jake was Lucas, and even that seemed like decades ago. It had become an unfamiliar feeling, this kind of friendship. Unsure of what to say, he answered with a safe, "Thanks."
And with that, he disappeared into the night. The walk to Haley's cabin wasn't far, but it wasn't easy either, seeing as it was rather dark and he wasn't sure if he was going the right way. In the distance, he could see the faint outline of her room and the glowing light inside. It was a modest room that contained only a single bed, one small desk and a stool, but it was much bigger than where the soldiers like him slept.
For the first time in his life, Nathan felt nervous and he was surprised to see his hand tremble slightly as it reached out to knock on the door. The nerves only increased by the second and he didn't even feel himself moving now. All he could hear was the sound of tentative knocking, so quiet that even he wondered if it was loud enough for her to hear. Nathan contemplated what he would do next if Haley was asleep. He could try waking her up early later … maybe they could go out to the beach again and …
"Nathan?"
He had been so deep in thought that he didn't realize she had already opened the door. He felt the familiar surge at the pit of his stomach when he saw her. Her beautiful features glowed with the pale moonlight and the faint light from inside the room. She looked to be half-asleep as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "What are you doing here? It's one in the morning."
Nathan was beginning to panic. What if she said no? He had never been rejected before. He had always been the one to reject and if she rejected him, he didn't know what he would do. He took a deep breath and tried to remain calm. "I know … but I was thinking we could go for a walk."
"We went for a walk awhile ago. Remember?"
"Yes, but that time, there was no moon." God, that sounded even stupider when he said it aloud. Nathan was starting to feel ridiculous. Maybe Jake was right – maybe he was a bloody idiot for doing this.
Haley chuckled. "Stay right there," she went back inside and closed the door behind her. After a minute or so, she returned with a shawl draped around her shoulders. "Shall we?"
Nathan grinned, the relief filling him completely. For a few minutes, they walked in complete silence, content with the thought of just being together. He could hear the faint sound of the waves lapping at the shore in the distance and the rustle of the leaves with the gentle wind. Each step he took, she took a small one and Nathan had to slow his pace so he could walk next to her. She walked much closer to him now, he noticed. Was it progress? He liked to think it was.
"What do you plan on doing after this war?" She suddenly asked him.
If I'm still alive. The thought of death in this war crossed him once again, and Nathan felt the familiar surge of fear rise within him. Maybe before, the thought of death wouldn't have scared him but he had Haley now. Perhaps it wasn't really the idea of death that scared Nathan, but the idea that he wouldn't have her in his life … he couldn't fathom it.
"I'll probably go into basketball again," he answered and wondered if they would take him again. He wondered if they would take some ex-soldier who survived the war. He gazed at her for a few minutes and tentatively added, "Maybe look for you."
At first, she looked up at him in surprise, her doe eyes widening slightly. She smiled softly at him. "You'll always find me, Nathan. I didn't think I'd see you again, and here we are."
"Here we are," he repeated, and smiled back at her.
She remained quiet for a few seconds then said, "Tell me a secret."
"A secret?"
"Yes. Any kind of secret you want."
Nathan thought for a second and answered, "I don't like pie."
Haley burst into a fit of giggles before playfully swatting his arm. "Come on, I was being serious."
"So was I. And you said any kind of secret," he teased. The playfulness of their conversation settled down and he quietly added, "When I was a kid, I used to hear my friends talk about how their moms baked them birthday cakes and how everyone in the house would eat it together, and I used to look forward to what kind cake my mom would bake for me. When my birthday came around, I ran into the kitchen, ready to eat with parents whatever mom baked. I didn't care if it wouldn't taste good, or if it was the worst-tasting cake in the world. All I was thinking was, 'My mom baked this for me.' When I got into the kitchen, both my parents were gone and on the kitchen counter was a box of pie she had the maid buy that morning. It was like that every single birthday. I never touched what she bought. I never will."
Nathan had been staring at the ground all throughout the time he spoke, deep in his thoughts and memories. He felt her gently grasp his arm and he turned to her, seeing the sincere compassion and kindness in her eyes. She never looked at him with pity or that she looked like she was sorry for him, like what everyone else did. He appreciated that about her. "What about you? Tell me a secret."
Haley considered this for a moment. When she spoke, her voice was suddenly softer and her gaze was solely on him. "Any kind of secret?"
"Sure."
The next thing he knew, he felt her small hand slip comfortably into his. He reveled in the sudden warmth of her touch. There was no nerves, no awkwardness – as if this was the most natural thing in the world. "I know it has only been two days but …" she carefully interlaced her fingers with his, gently tightening her hold on him. "You make me feel safe."