~*~ Chapter Twenty-Seven ~*~

September

The four college students went back to the apartment in a daze, not wanting to separate. With all Ramesh's things strewn about, being in the apartment was hard. It was a mistake. They could have gone to one of the dorms, grouped together in one of the floor lounges. That would have meant explaining, which none of them wanted to do. But, it would have been better then crashing where they did, only to wake up in the late afternoon and face Ramesh's absence.

(~*~)

Alone in the bathroom, the artificial yellow light turned the blood under and around her fingernails to a dark brown. Several of her nails were chipped or outright broken, creating a jagged landscape as Bella splayed her fingers out in front of her. Stuck in the caked blood of one nail was a single white thread.

She stared for several long minutes at her hands and felt nothing. There was only the slight buzz of the light in the ceiling above her.

Bella grabbed the nailbrush and scrubbed at her fingers, turning the water on so that it came out of the faucet at full blast. The friction got the scabs off, but fresh blood fell into the sink from the wounds that weren't yet healed.

(~*~)

The police came that day, to go over their statements a second time. Bella hated it. Talking aloud about the accident meant that she could no longer pretend it was some terrible mistake, that there was nothing she could still do to change what had happened. She didn't want to have to relive seeing the car hit Ramesh, or picture Ramesh on the road, in blood-soaked clothes, cries of pain reverberating out of his throat. Yet it didn't matter if she spoke of it or not, she still saw it every time she closed her eyes.

(~*~)

There were missed calls on Bella's phone from Esme that first day. The following day Alice and Carlisle also tried to contact Bella, but all three went unanswered.

On the third day they didn't call. Maggie showed up at the end of the evening, only to deliver some of Bella's things: clothes, books, toiletries. Bella thanked her, but didn't want to talk. Maggie only nodded understanding and was on her way again.

Carlisle called again the next day.

(~*~)

"Bella, I am so very sorry about Ramesh. I know you're hurting, and need some time. It might be hard for you to believe right now, but I am here for you. Please, call me when you are ready, or come to the house. Any time."

(~*~)

Middlebury College held a memorial. More than two hundred people attended, including staff, student peers and the Cullen family. When it was over, the Cullens cautiously approached Bella, but she wouldn't talk with them. She yelled nonsensically at Alice and couldn't even make herself look at Carlisle.

(~*~)

"Bella, I just want to know that you're okay."

(~*~)

For the first time, Bella didn't protest Matt paying her way. She allowed Matt to cover her airfare when she flew with him and his family to Mumbai for the funeral. The text from Carlisle on her phone remained unanswered. It was his last attempt before he let her grieve in peace.

Please, talk with me.

(~*~)

It was late at night when Bella and Matt returned to Middlebury. The long flight, followed by the long drive, left them feeling haggard. They both just wanted to wash up and go to bed. Bella let Matt have the bathroom first, and while he was in there, she opened the door to what had once been Ramesh's bedroom.

It was empty. Not a piece of furniture, item of clothing or stray piece of trash. Everything had been brought back to Mumbai or given to charity, apart from a few personal memorabilia that Kapil and Priya had given to Matt. Bella looked at the four walls, the darkened window.

Ramesh was here no more. She'd helped pack things away, and had her chance to say goodbye twice: at the memorial and again in Mumbai. Bella truly believed that wherever he was right now, he was at peace.

That didn't make the room feel any less empty.

Matt came up beside her, and put his hand on her shoulder. They stood there in silence for several minutes.

"You know what Ramesh would say if he were here with us right now?"

Bella attempted to smile. "He'd tell us to…wipe these sad expressions off our faces and go find something fun to do?"

Matt shook his head. "'Guys, I sang the wrong song.'"

It took Bella a second before she remembered. She started to chuckle, just a little. Matt grinned at her and pulled her into a hug. Her quiet tears wet his shirt.

(~*~)

The driver of the car that struck Ramesh was a 24-year-old local from Ripton. He was arrested and charged with vehicular manslaughter and driving under the influence. He pled guilty to both counts. Due to his lack of priors, he was charged a fine for the DUI and sentenced to 7 to 12 years in prison for the death of Ramesh Rana.

(~*~)

Getting back into routine was easier than Bella expected. However, it was a different routine: returning each night to the apartment rather than the house on Morse Road. She was closer now to the campus, and her part-time job at the Storm Café. Bella didn't have to run into any of the Cullens — not even Alice and Jasper — if she didn't want to.

She didn't. Life felt so fleeting now, and human frailty was no different than that of a butterfly. Bella didn't want to step away from it. She wanted to hear and smell and taste what was around her. Cling to it for as long as she could. Imagine that if she paid attention, the leaves would be with her a little longer before turning brown and falling. So, no, Bella wasn't ready. The Cullens — who didn't die, didn't age, didn't change — would still be there when she was.

(~*~)

October

The day was almost gone. Another day passing without a return phone call from Bella, another day with his text still unanswered. There was one last thing to look for, Carlisle thought as he drove up the long driveway, before he accepted that another day had passed without Bella. He hoped that she might come to the house, whether he was there or not, to talk with someone, or even to gather a few more of her things.

Every time Carlisle came home, he made note of the strength of Bella's scent, hoping to detect a fresh infusion. Instead, it was nearly completely faded.

(~*~)

In the back of her mind, Bella registered the familiar sounds that signaled Matt returning to the apartment. He was later than usual. Bella hadn't minded. It didn't matter whether he was home late or early. She remained focused on her lecture notes for Advanced Readings in Latin.

"Hello," Matt said coming into the kitchen.

"Hi," Bella said, without looking up. When she felt him standing just behind her, Bella finished the paragraph she was on and then turned around with a small smile. Her eyebrows rose when she saw that Matt was holding a bouquet of flowers.

"For you." He held them out and bent down to kiss her lightly on the lips.

Bella took them. "They're beautiful," she said, without really noticing what they were. "What's the occasion?"

"Simply that I love you. No other reason."

Bella smiled at him again and started to rise. "I should put them in water."

"They're already in a vase."

Bella looked again. "Oh, so they are. Sorry, I'm just a little distracted from the surprise. Thank you." Bella placed them on the end, of the table, away from the textbooks. The bouquet did brighten the room, but it did little to distract her from her translations.

(~*~)

November

It wasn't even cold enough to snow yet. Bella stared out the window, rubbing her arms. She'd turned up the heat, thrown on an extra shirt. She just couldn't get comfortable.

(~*~)

Moving down the hall, going from one patient's room to another, Carlisle rolled the phone over in his hand. He would have heard the vibration had it gone off, but he checked during unobserved moments anyway. Every time.

(~*~)

Sometimes pain and emptiness were comfortable, and depression a bitter friend. She'd settled things in her head. Bella knew what was reasonable, what was not, and what she'd done wrong. Her behavior had been reprehensible. It was completely in her power to fix. But she'd been nursing that broken part inside so long that letting it go was frightening. Now shame was another blanket covering it.

The trees were bare, the leaves all fallen, and the sky grey. It fit her mood as Bella walked across campus on her way to her car. Just a few more hours and she'd be on her way with Matt to Connecticut, to spend Thanksgiving with his family.

A touch of uneasiness prickled along the skin at the back of her neck, and Bella stopped. The sensation was familiar. Bella turned around slowly.

Jasper was walking purposefully behind her, striding to catch up to her. Though his expression was not unkind, it carried a definite determination. Bella knew that this was not an encounter she could avoid. She stopped and waited for Jasper to reach her, a vampire she'd once readily considered a brother.

"Hi," she said timidly.

Jasper smiled. "May I?" he asked, gesturing to the two books she hadn't been able to fit into her loaded messenger bag.

"Sure," Bella agreed, and passed them over. He wasn't playing with her emotions — Jasper wouldn't do that, not like this — but he was genuinely trying to put her at ease. "How are you?" Once the words left her mouth Bella realized that she really wanted to know, to know how all of the family was doing.

"Wondering how you are. You've been avoiding us for a long time, Bella."

Bella looked down at her feet as they kept walking. "I know. Does it feel that way, that it's been a long time, to you?"

"Just because we're immortal doesn't mean separation feels any shorter or less painful, Bella. And I am not Carlisle; I won't let you distract from my purpose with philosophical questions. Trust me, not even he would let you get off-topic for long; he's hurting more than all of us."

Bella choked on the sob she tried to suppress. Carlisle's name had been a swift cut to her heart, and hearing that he was hurting only deepened it. She'd known he would be missing her, but…

Jasper was watching her. "Esme couldn't help herself the day Ramesh died. We all knew that you needed space, but she wanted so much to comfort you. Not returning her calls, we understood, at first. Alice wanted to apologize, but she knew you'd ignore her, too. She tried anyway.

"Carlisle wants so desperately to talk with you, to explain, to know you're okay. He blames himself for everything. For Ramesh, for your reaction, for your absence."

"It's not Carlisle's fault!" Bella snapped out.

Jasper nodded. "Good. We both know it's not. He doesn't know you believe that, Bella. Your absence and your silence are wounding him terribly."

Bella didn't want to hear this. It made her angry, and sad, bringing up the well of grief to nearly overflowing. She wanted… but she couldn't yet, couldn't make herself.

"Don't talk to me about Carlisle anymore," Bella snapped at Jasper again, and then recoiled at her own rudeness. "I'm sorry, but, please… How's Maggie?"

"Maggie understands. We all do understand, Bella." Jasper stopped and handed her back the books. He achieved his purpose, and he understood better now what she was going through, as well. "We all just want to know how you are faring, because we care about you."

"I care about all of you, too."

"Then don't hide too much longer, Bella, please, for all our sakes." Jasper left Bella alone with her thoughts.

(~*~)

Carlisle worked through Thanksgiving. He claimed that he simply wanted to let the other doctors have the opportunity to spend it with their families. The rest of the Cullens knew better; that wasn't his only reason.

"I can't stand this!" Edward threw his hands up in the air, pacing the living room. "I want to just make Carlisle go talk to her."

"You've got to just let things happen on their own, Edward."

"Oh, like you've been doing? Great job, Alice, I've never seen Carlisle so wretched."

"What do you think I am, some sort of puppet master?" Alice shouted back at him, fed up. "I don't manipulate or pull strings. I don't give or take away free will."

"Right, like you didn't manipulate me three years ago."

Esme made a distressed noise, and reached out to Edward to calm him. He stopped his pacing.

"I didn't take away your choices, Edward, I simply showed you what I knew, told you what I saw. I'm glad and very thankful that you listened."

Edward let out a long sigh, and dropped his head to rest on Esme's. "What do you see now, Alice?"

"That things are going to be alright." She stood and walked over to her brother, joined her hand on top of Esme's at his shoulder. "I don't like seeing him so unhappy either, Edward."

"None of us do," Maggie added. "Yet we all know better than to interfere and try to force a thing to happen."

"I still can't believe all of you have known about Bella and Carlisle all this time and didn't tell me," Rosalie sniffed.

"Only Alice knew, Rosalie. The rest of us just paid attention."

"And neither of them has any idea? Seriously?"

Maggie shook her head. "Any time one of them begins to, it's suppressed."

"They're both miserable right now without each other," Jasper put in. "I think it's only a matter of time before they realize why."

"Alright, so how much longer before this rift is healed?" Rosalie asked. "When is Bella going to leave the look-alike and be with Carlisle?"

Alice simply outstretched her hands, palms up. "We all have to wait for the next chapter. Just be patient and let them see this through."

(~*~)

Early December

Bella's fretful tossing and turning woke Matt up. He tried to hold her, but in her nightmare she kept turning, pushing him away. Still making soothing noises and murmuring her name, Matt rubbed her arm. "It's alright, Bella. You're okay. Everything's going to be alright."

Bella calmed down, finally settling on her stomach, face turned away from Matt. "Carlisle," she whimpered into her pillow before going silent.

Matt stayed up another hour, deep in thought while he watched her.

(~*~)

The following morning, as usual, Matt woke to find Bella had already left to go to her classes. It wasn't until afternoon that they were together in the apartment again, and Matt had the opportunity to broach the subject he had finally decided couldn't be ignored anymore. When he walked through the door, Bella was on the couch; she'd fallen asleep with a book on her chest.

"Mmm," she grunted, waking as Matt divested himself of his coat. "Hey," she greeted quietly and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water.

"How did your day go?" he called after her.

"Not bad. Lots of reviewing, what with finals next week. You?"

"Same."

Bella returned to the living room, dry mouth sated.

"Bella, listen… I want to talk with you about Carlisle."

Bella started in surprise. "What?"

"I think you need to talk to him."

Bella crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm not ready to," she said to the floor.

"I've tried to respect that — that you didn't want to talk to any of the Cullens — but it's gone on for too long." Matt tried to be as gentle as he could. "Bella, it's been almost three months since Ramesh died."

"I know how long it's been."

"You're not moving on. You're not happy. You go to class, go to work, come back to the apartment, but you're just existing, Bella. There's more grief still in you, and it's not because of Ramesh. It's because of Carlisle."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Matt reached to the end table and grabbed a tissue. He handed it to Bella. "Then listen. I knew Ramesh longer, better than you. I'm not saying that to establish any kind of grieving rights, I'm saying that so you can see the difference in our behavior. I'm still living. I try to take you out, meet with friends, add a little humor to the day."

"I've gone out with you." Bella tossed the used tissue in the trash and resumed her stance.

"Yes, and I can manage to coax a smile out of you from time to time. But you are still unhappy underneath it. And I know it's not just because Ramesh died, it's because Carlisle let you down. You looked up to him. You had absolute unwavering faith in that waiting room, and it was all crushed when he came out with the news."

Underneath her elbow, Bella flexed the fingers of her right hand. Her words were a combination of defiant and rueful. "I remember how I acted."

"I don't think you'd have reacted that way if it had been another doctor. The truth is, Bella, that any doctor would have lost Ramesh, even Carlisle." Matt walked over to Bella, and lifted her chin so that he could look into her eyes. "Carlisle is just a man, Bella."

"He's not just a man." Bella stepped away from him, gesticulating as she paced the room. "He's – he's… he's Carlisle."

"Oh, sorry. I didn't realize that Jesus Christ had come back to Earth to masquerade as a doctor."

Bella spun. "What?"

"Carlisle isn't a god, Bella, but you've always seemed to regard him as though he were above the rest of us. I admit there have been times when I haven't liked the guy because of it. You have a special affection for him. He's important to you." Matt put his hand on her shoulders as he faced her, giving each a soothing downward stroke. "But he's not capable of raising the dead. Never was."

Bella stared at him, eyes wide. Matt wished he could figure out what was going on inside her head.

"Alright, I'll concede that I've avoided the Cullens too long. I've been thinking about talking to them again, especially since Jasper sought me out the other day."

"You didn't tell me about that." Matt was surprised.

"Sorry, it was a few days ago, before Thanksgiving. It shook me up."

"What did he say?"

Bella took a deep breath, raising her shoulders and dropping them again. "That everyone understands, but they miss me."

"That's all?"

"That's the nutshell."

"You've been having bad dreams every night since."

"What?"

"You've been tossing and turning, just like you used to when Ramesh first died. Only last night you were crying for Carlisle."

"That doesn't make any sense." Bella trembled slightly; it was so brief Matt almost didn't notice.

"It makes perfect sense." And caused Matt no little amount of despair. "It's like I said before, you have a special affection for him. I'd even go so far as to say that he's more important to you than I am."

"Matt—"

Matt calmly took her right hand, laying her palm on his. Raising it to draw her attention to what he was doing, Matt pointed to the swan ring that had adorned her finger ever since he'd known her. He dropped his hand, but Bella's remained raised as she quietly stared at the Christmas gift Carlisle had given her when she was eighteen. A single tear started to form in her eye. Matt softly wiped it with his thumb when it began to fall, and then he pulled Bella into a hug.

"I want so much for you to be happy," he said into her hair. "To see you smile the way you used to, to see your whole face light up with it. So think about talking to Carlisle. Repair your broken friendship with him." He kissed her head and pulled back to look into her eyes. "Okay?"

Bella nodded. "Okay."

Matt kissed her lips, lightly, his hand under her chin. "How about I make us some dinner before I have to go out tonight — spaghetti and meatballs?"

"Sounds good."

Matt let her go, and started into the kitchen, but then he stopped. "Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you." If he sounded a little desperate, he couldn't help it.

(~*~)

"I love you, too, Matt," she'd told him, and meant it.

Bella sat on the couch in their apartment, alone. The lights were off. Matt had left to watch a performance for one of his classes. Once upon a time she'd have gone with him, but she hadn't been doing much of that this semester.

Matt was right; he was right about a lot. She had only been existing, not fully happy, still grieving inside. It wasn't just blaming Alice for not seeing what would happen to Ramesh, or Carlisle for not being able to save him. Bella had long ago gotten control over those unreasonable thoughts. But it was what had happened with Carlisle that still made her ache inside. She'd lost her ideal, the elevated perception she never realized she had of him.

Carlisle may be a vampire, but Matt was right, Carlisle was just a man. An imperfect man who did the best he could, who happened to be good, compassionate, intelligent — and completely undeserving of the way she had been treating him. She didn't want his absence anymore.

Bella became resolved. She was going to talk to Carlisle.

Her phone beeped an incoming text alert. It was from Alice.

Carlisle goes off duty at 11.

That was in twenty minutes. Bella kissed the face of her phone and rose to grab her coat, before she lost her nerve.

(~*~)

Carlisle's steps resounded on the black asphalt of the parking lot. The night was dark, the sky clouded over. Though it had been unseasonably warm for December, snow was expected to fall overnight tonight. If he took a deep breath, Carlisle could detect the hint of it on the air. He was still several feet away from his car when he caught it – the scent he'd been looking for every day for nearly three months. He started to spin on his heel, several thoughts and their tangents striking him at once. Was she hurt? If she was, he'd return to duty, personal interest be damned. Yet she might not want him there. Perhaps she was in the building looking for him. Had she finally come to talk to him? Was she out here?

Carlisle dared to hope, and after he'd done nothing more than shift his weight to the back sole of his shoe, he saw her. She was here, standing outside her vehicle, parked just a few spaces away from his. The collar was turned up on the pea coat she wore, her head unadorned. Her hands were in her pockets and her feet were pressed together. She was watching him.

Bella had come to see him.

Carlisle wanted to rush over to her, hold her, but he knew he had to go easy. Carefully, slowing his body to so much less than the speed he wanted to move at, he approached her. Her face was serious, holding almost no expression, but in her brown eyes he could see a vulnerability shimmering underneath the surface. It was evoking all sorts of emotions in him.

"Hi," she said softly, and it was so good to hear her voice.

"Bel-la." Carlisle swallowed, gathered his voice. "How have you been?"

"Unhappy." Bella answered honestly because there was no other way to have this conversation. "And you?"

It hurt to hear her say it aloud, to know that she'd been grieving all this time. He wanted nothing more than to comfort her, to ease her pain, and his own. "I am so sorry about Ramesh."

Bella rolled her lips against each other before speaking. "I'm so sorry for the way I acted that night."

"Bella, it was completely understandable. I wish so much that I could have saved his life, that I could have reversed the damage…"

Bella's head tilted to the side and she looked at him with wide eyes. "Carlisle, do you honestly think I believe it was your fault?"

"Yes, and I understand completely why you blame me. I wasn't capable enough to save your friend."

"I don't blame you, I blamed myself." Bella had to work around the clog in her throat and the pressure behind her eyes to get the words out. It was painful, in so many ways, saying what she had to say. "I saw it. I couldn't stop it. It was as though for that one awful moment my mind moved with a speed capable of your own, but my body was immobile. I could do nothing, nothing."

"Bella," Carlisle stepped forward; he wanted to put his arms around her, but she retreated, holding her hands up and shaking her head.

"You have to hear me through, please. I need to get this out. I saw it. I saw Ramesh in the crosswalk, the car coming so fast, hitting him, every detail of his body moving. I couldn't stop any of it. But I could get him to you." Bella gasped, to breath around the tears and the talking. "It was my birthday. He was drunk because he wanted to celebrate my 21st birthday. I couldn't change that, but I could make sure to get him to you, so you could save him."

Carlisle was looking at her with such misery on his face it made her ache. She had to keep going, had to keep talking, to get through it all so that, hopefully, she could stop causing this wonderful man so much hurt.

"I understand that Ramesh was beyond saving, Carlisle, I do. And part of the reason I've been unable to talk to you, to even look at you when you were at the memorial, is that in facing you I faced my own failure."

"Bella, you haven't failed at anything. Please, don't ever feel that Ramesh's death was your fault."

Eyes closed, Bella shook her head again, belying his words. "Oh, I have failed, Carlisle, I have, but not there. I know now that Ramesh would have died no matter what you or I could have done. But I wasn't ready to accept it. I wasn't ready to accept the fact that death exists, and it exists so close to me, and I am powerless next to it. The thought of seeing you, seeing Alice, seeing any of you… I felt mortal and small. I didn't want to associate any of those things with you. I ran; I hid; I avoided."

"You needed time," Carlisle said as gently as he could.

"I did. Time to get over Ramesh's loss." She looked at him, trying to convey her appreciation. "Thank you for giving it to me, it was what I needed from you."

"I wish I could have been there for you more, Bella. I wish I could have held you through your tears — as I wish it even now — through such a devastating loss. I knew I couldn't be the one to do that. I knew what I must represent for you, and that you must have blamed me, at least for a while. And I do blame myself, because no matter what I tried, I could do nothing to prevent you this unhappiness. I would have given anything."

"Carlisle." Bella looked up at the night sky, words failing her. She felt the hitch inside when, buried in all his frantic words, Carlisle asked to hold her. But not yet, it wasn't right yet; she hadn't made everything right yet. Bella used the back of her sleeve to wipe her cheeks, where the drying tears made her itch. "God. I wouldn't ever have wanted Ramesh to die. But we have to move forward. Ramesh did die. And I have grieved, and I'm so sorry for what I've caused you by being gone. I do not want you to blame yourself. If I'd been around, perhaps I could have saved you that."

"Please, don't burden yourself with what-ifs," Carlisle said. He felt almost incredulous. She wanted to save him pain after everything she'd been going through? "You're right, Bella, we have to move forward."

Bella nodded. "I don't think I'm the same person I used to be. I mean, I'm still me, but I'm never going to… be so blind, to take things for granted. I was so naïve, Carlisle. Now… I'm never going to forget that Ramesh is gone."

"Of course you aren't. Bella, changing doesn't mean you've failed."

"No, it doesn't. That isn't what I meant when I said that I've failed."

"Will you tell me what you meant? Please?" Carlisle needed to convince Bella that nothing that had happened in regards to Ramesh constituted a failure on her part in any way. Bella viewing herself as such was the last thing Carlisle wanted for her, and if he could convince her otherwise, maybe he could see her look happy again.

"Carlisle, I failed you."

"Never."

Bella almost laughed at his immediate protest. As it was, she smiled a little. This was Carlisle, and underneath all the angst of this conversation was the pull, the enjoyment of being with him again. "Do you remember what you said to me the morning of my birthday? That you weren't perfect and you didn't want me to think of you that way?"

"Yes." Those hadn't been his exact words, but that had been part of the message he was trying to get across.

"That's exactly what I did. I saw you as something perfect. I saw you as I wanted to see you, 'a notch above everyone else.' It was wrong of me. In everything that you shared with me, I never let myself see you. And then I had no choice. I didn't just lose Ramesh; I lost…"

Bella paused, pressing her lips together, putting her hands against her chest to find the words to communicate what was going on inside her. "I lost your perfection, and it was a foundation I hadn't realized I leaned on so much. Everything in my world would always be right because Dr. Carlisle Cullen was a part of it. How could anything ever go wrong when I had you in my corner?"

Bella ran her hands through her hair, shaking her head. "It was fucked up. I treated you as though your goodness was some sort of talisman that gave me a charmed life. I've… had… a family of vampires as my nearest and dearest. So I was… covered, protected."

Carlisle stared at Bella, and wondered if he and his family hadn't all done her a disservice by being so open with her, sharing their lives with her. But, by God, he didn't want to not be a part of Bella's life. He started to tell her just that, that he wished he could be her talisman and prevent her from ever hurting again the way she did for Ramesh, but all he had to offer was his fallible self.

"I was wrong," Bella continued before he spoke. "To look at you that way, to act the way I did. I should never have turned away from you, Carlisle. And I realized that. I realized it almost immediately but I couldn't make myself change it. Every time I thought of you, my stomach would clench and I'd feel sick. Sick because I was so ashamed, sick because I was hating that I couldn't make myself go to you yet. And I've felt lost, all this time; a piece of me was missing and I didn't know how to get it back, and was too scared to admit that it was gone." Bella lowered her head and looked at her feet.

"Bella, it's not just you. I've felt the same way; something inside of me has been lost without you there."

"I think I knew that," Bella breathed, almost a whisper. She raised her face, made eye contact. "And that's another way in which I've failed you, by staying away so long. The… man you really are has been there all this time. And I've been hiding from you, when I should have been doing just the opposite, coming to you and treating you as you deserved to be treated, not shunning you.

"You are my best friend, Carlisle. But instead of really seeing you, I put you on some sort of pedestal. You were untouchable. I mean, we still hugged and cuddled, but it was like…"

Carlisle didn't breathe, didn't fill the silence. He waited tensely for Bella to finish. He didn't know how he would take it if she said that she regretted all the time they'd spent together.

Still at a loss for words, Bella just stopped searching for them. She simply looked at Carlisle, trying to see not an ideal, but what was real in front of her. His face, the expression in his eyes…he looked so young and vulnerable. No, he had never belonged where she had set him, just out of reach. They belonged within each other's reach, and right now, he needed her.

"I remember the first time I saw the sunlight on your skin. I felt… you were something special, something superior, even when we clasped hands. I never felt equal to you."

"I never wanted you to feel that way."

"I know," Bella answered. "And I know different now." Slowly, Bella raised her hand, the tip of her tongue sneaking out slightly for a nervous lick of her lips. Her hand was up, palm out, tilting at an angle toward Carlisle.

They looked into each other's eyes.

He raised his own hand, brought it parallel to hers. The space between them was infinitesimal. Bella could almost imagine that she felt the cool of his skin before she slowly brought her fingertips to his. Carlisle pressed against her slightly, bringing his palm closer to hers so that his hand was straight and erect. Again he waited and let Bella close the distance between them. The pads of their thumbs touched, the rounded base of their pinkies and forefingers pressed. Her skin gave to his, soft to hard, warm to cool.

Yes, his skin felt cool, but it was smooth and strong. Bella brought her palm in, closing even the slightest remaining distance.

"See? You're touchable now."

"I always have been."

"I never saw it, never felt it."

"And you're feeling it now?"

"Yes, Carlisle, I'm feeling you now." They continued to look into one another's eyes, and then Bella broke. "I've missed you so much," she said on a tremble.

In the next instant, they were in each other's arms, finally hugging, holding each other as they had been unable to do for months. "I've missed you, too, Bella. It hurt every day that you stayed away."

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to have done this to both of us." She spoke into his coat, turning her head to the side so she could bury her cheek against his soft scarf.

"Hush, you haven't done anything." He stroked her hair, lifting the scent of flowers and waterfalls around him, so happy to surround himself in it again. "Bella, Bella," Carlisle murmured. "I will never want you gone."

"I won't be."

They stood there for several minutes, holding each other, burrowing, giving little caresses and reassuring themselves that the other was finally there and able to hold again. Around them a light snow began to fall.

Carlisle said the two words he'd been wanting to say to Bella for months. "Come home."

"Yes."

A/N: Many thanks to AlltheOtherNamesAreUsed for graciously going over a 2nd draft of this chapter. Not our usual.

I'd like to apologize for not responding to reviews last chapter. I do appreciate that each and every one of you took the time to say something to me, whether positive or negative, and that I always value. That there wasn't a single review that didn't compliment my writing… well, wow.

If things go swimmingly (which how often do they, really?) the next chapter should post in one week's time. How do you like that marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo?

Next chapter… a Moonlit December, and most of you probably know what that means. xx