~*~ Chapter Thirty-One ~*~
Just like the moon — celestial and cool, powerful and mysterious. Bella could so easily lose herself simply in tasting Carlisle's lips.
"Never really put up mistletoe," Charlie's voice carried loudly and broke Bella and Carlisle apart. "So that's what it looks like."
"Charlie, for heaven's sake, I put up mistletoe the first few years we were married," Renee chastised from across the room.
"You put up that $1 paint-sprayed plastic looking stuff."
"It said it was real mistletoe right on the package."
The mild but friendly bickering between her parents brought Bella decidedly back into awareness of the crowded room around her. Carlisle had already stepped back, and Bella absently rubbed her arm where Carlisle's hand had just been. It still made her feel like dancing on air, this powerful thing between her and Carlisle. Everything was just right with the world. Over on the couch sat Alice, Jasper at her feet and facing the room while she rubbed his shoulders. Esme and Maggie were on either side of the Christmas tree, smiling in the white lights. Renee and Phil stood beside Maggie, both with a glass of wine in hand. Rosalie also held a glass of wine, the only other one in the room to do so, and Bella loved her for it, though Edward obviously mocked her as he sprawled on the couch beside Alice. Sue sat on the loveseat, laughter in her eyes as she looked at her husband.
"Sure, it did." Charlie answered Renee before giving a small cough. "Bella, I was wondering if you'd like to go for a walk."
Renee started to speak, but then just half-rolled her eyes.
"Um, sure, Dad." With a smile for Carlisle, Bella turned and followed her father to the coat rack.
Life can move in circles, when there can be found a pattern, continuity. Walking outside with Charlie in the woods, Bella took comfort in it. After having been in the snow with Carlisle and talking about Christmases with Charlie, here she was having a Christmas walk in the woods with her Dad talking about Carlisle.
"I've always suspected there was something between you two."
Bella shrugged with a shy smile. "I remember. I thought you were being ridiculous."
"You threw a pillow at me."
"You suggested I take him to prom!"
"Pretty sure I said the opposite."
"Same difference."
"Bells…" Charlie started, gaze directed at the trees before landing on her. "How deeply do you love him?"
Bella started to ask what he meant, and then she realized she didn't need to. But how to go about answering him? It was one thing to tell Esme and Alice that there was no other option in her mind but to spend the rest of eternity with Carlisle. Finding the right way to tell her father, however, wasn't so easy. He loved her, had helped raise her, given her human life. She didn't want to hurt him by telling him she was choosing something different, choosing not to be human. Worse, she didn't want to be less in his eyes because of it.
The only sound was the crunching of snow and twigs beneath their feet as Bella tried to find the right words and Charlie waited patiently. The tall trees were barren, the snow already fallen to add to the blanket of white. The world around them was still, and the chill was ready to envelop her. She felt no discomfort in it. It was her choice, her path.
"I know that Carlisle is it for me," Bella said.
They kept walking, side by side, until Charlie fell behind her, stopping. His mouth opened and shut again, no words coming out. His eyes, though, said it all. Bella's heart clenched at the emotions in them. There was love and pride, and there were tears just about ready to fall, though he fought them. Bella reached out and clasped his hand.
"I love you, Dad."
Charlie pulled her in, his arm around her neck as he kissed the top of her head and blinked furiously.
Around them the land of winter remained quiet and still.
Charlie broke away abruptly. "Bella, with us being part Quileute, will it even work?"
(~*~)
Alone in his office while the others were downstairs, Carlisle was on the phone exchanging holiday greetings with the Denali family.
"Hello, Carlisle." A new voice greeted him as the phone on the other end of the line changed hands.
"Tanya."
"How are you enjoying Kate's news?"
"I think it is wonderful, and I am pleased for both her and Garrett."
"Yes, I am, too. Though I can't say I'm enjoying my new role as the only single one in the household. You'll have to give me some tips. Now, how's your delectable boy, Edward?"
"He's here; you'll have a chance to speak with him. As it happens, Tanya, I am no longer single."
"Ah…" The word came out in a long, knowing sigh. "Your human, your Bella, yes?"
Carlisle laughed. "Has everyone known but the two of us?"
"I have an instinct for this sort of thing, Carlisle." She sighed. "Except when it comes to Edward. Sadly, my affection is still unrequited there. But enough of that. It is actually you who wants to ask me for tips, or am I mistaken?"
"You are exactly right," Carlisle admitted. It weighed on him a great deal how she'd been hurt whenever they'd come together physically. He'd backpedalled after that first time in his office, not letting it go so far, and still things were less than perfect. "I've hurt her, not much, but enough to worry me."
"How did you hurt her?"
"I bruised her, accidentally pinched her. I've even twisted the wrong way and caused her skin to chafe."
Tanya chuckled lightly. "Sounds like beginner's bad luck to me. You know better than most that you have to go slow when touching a human, Carlisle. And I don't just mean speed, I mean contact. Our skin can be especially abrasive at higher speeds, rather like a shark's. You move too fast for something simple, even pulling her into a hug because you're happy to see her, and you can easily bruise or chafe her. Watch your excitement. Be gentle and go slow, Carlisle."
"Especially for penetration, I imagine." Carlisle closed his eyes, attempting to visualize the self-control that would be required of him. Despite that he wanted to prevent things from escalating as they had done before, Carlisle intended to become fully carnal with Bella.
"Well, I do have a little insight on that. A male vampire's penis is not nearly as hard as the rest of him, as ironic as that might sound. More, uh, enthusiastic speeds," Tanya's tone was very amused, "are not as detrimental as, say, your fingers would be. Carlisle, surely you've noticed the difference in the texture of the flesh?"
"I am a scientist," he answered, and they both laughed.
"Oh, lord, Carlisle, as soon as they invented the microscope you were examining our venom in all its forms. You tell me, is your semen capable of impregnating a human?"
The thought stopped Carlisle cold. "I don't . . . I've never wondered. Obviously that needs to change."
"Mm-hmm. Carlisle, in some ways I envy you what you are about to experience, but unlike you, I've never had to worry about consequences." Tanya was thoughtful. "Well, let's get back onto the original topic, shall we. Carlisle, I know that you are the gentlest vampire on the entire planet when it comes to caring for humans. When it comes to lovemaking, however, I have a couple more ideas and hints I'd like to pass on to you."
(~*~)
A little over a week later, Carlisle found Bella in the laundry room, moving her clothes out of the dryer. Her hair was down, and she brushed it away from her eyes as she leaned over. The motion caused the rounded top of her breast to become visible above the V-neck of her shirt, granting Carlisle a brief glimpse. Everything about her was lovely to him: her undone hair, her modest breasts, even the simple motion she made folding her jeans. Unfortunately, his thoughts did not stay on simple enjoyment.
Her parents had gone shortly after Christmas, but in their wake Bella and Carlisle were faced with some questions. Together they had done a blood test, infusing a sample of her blood with his venom. The results had shown that she would indeed be able to become a vampire. While that knowledge had brought relief to both of them, Carlisle still wondered about the possibility of pregnancy. Short of asking Bella for one of her eggs, he wasn't sure how to find this out — and should they prove fertile, he definitely didn't want a frozen embryo on their minds — the tests he'd have to do to determine what kind of child they'd create together — even if the embryo survived Bella wouldn't be able to bear it after transformation, her womb would be frozen — she'd have to carry the child to term before being changed — decide whether to be a human mother or a vampire mother — parenthood was a great responsibility — a newborn vampire and a young child at the same time — even if he and Bella could conceive, even if they decided together whether they would want to —
"You're thinking about pregnancy again," Bella said softly.
"You can tell?"
"I've managed to learn some of your expressions over the years." Bella continued to fold the clothes as she took them out of the dryer. "That, and I've been thinking about it, too. I'd like to make a suggestion."
"What's that?"
"Let's not think about it. Seriously. We're not ready to have sex right now, so why spend time worrying? When the time comes, let's use protection, or withdrawal, or the pill."
"Are you already on the pill?"
"Um… no. I was, but then I slipped off of it these last few months."
There was a beat, and then, "Bella, is there any chance that you are—"
She shook her head. "No, Carlisle. It didn't matter that that I was off the pill." Picking up her laundry basket, she moved around Carlisle and left the laundry room.
Carlisle followed her as they passed through the kitchen. He shouldn't have asked. Her scent was still her usual scent, her breasts the same lovely size, and they'd been together for half a month without the slightest sign. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"You didn't. It's just… well, we've been dealing with some pretty heavy topics and we only just got together."
"You're right. It hasn't exactly been light with us lately. You're certain, Bella, that this is what you want right now? Me and you?"
"Of course." They had reached the stairs and Bella stopped to turn and make eye contact with him. "Carlisle, there isn't a doubt in my mind. We could have nothing but angst and heaviness and I'd still want to be with you. This is it. I love you."
Carlisle could see it in her eyes. She loved him as much as he did her. This was, indeed, it. In the joy of it, he wanted to reach out and hold her, kiss her, do anything for her. But she was two steps higher and the laundry basket was between them. So he grasped it. "Here, let me take care of this."
"Huh?"
"Let me take care of your laundry."
"Why? What for?"
"Because I want to."
"You want to carry my clothes to my room and put them away." Bella's tone was amused disbelief.
"Yes, why not?"
"O…kay." Bella grinned. "Here you go!" Bella knocked the basket over, spilling her clothes into Carlisle, and then ran for it.
On impulse, Bella didn't turn at the second landing to go for her bedroom. She kept climbing up to his office, thinking maybe she could hide in his wardrobe. Reaching the top floor she stopped to consider her options and nearly shrieked when she saw Carlisle waiting for her. He laughed and lightly grabbed her, swinging her into a hug. She laughed too, always loving it when he did spun her around.
"How did you know that I would come here?"
"I just did," Carlisle answered, but the look in his eyes said, I'm not telling…
"I didn't even feel you move past me."
"That would be because I climbed in through the window."
"You went outside?" Bella's expression was so cute that Carlisle had to kiss her.
Just entering the house, Esme raised an eyebrow at the sight of the clothes all over the stairs and the basket on the floor. Above her Bella's giggles and Carlisle's laughter could clearly be heard.
Later, as Esme was painting, she tried not to hear anything else.
"What… how did you know about that spot?"
"Perfect memory." Carlisle's murmur was muffled.
An exhale and a whimper. "I told you about it?"
"Not in so many words." Carlisle's murmur continued. "You made a vague reference, then blushed and wouldn't look me in the eye. . . . Look me in the eye now, Bella."
A little moan. A gasp. "Carlisle, you don't need sacred spots to make me feel this way."
"I will take advantage of anything and everything to give you as much pleasure as I can."
A weak, happy groan. "I'm a dead woman."
(~*~)
Edward and Rosalie left for exploits further east before school started up again mid-January. The changes brought a bit more into focus for Bella the social changes she'd gone through. Bella had not been in touch with the old college crew much over break, but she had called Anna, as promised. Once classes resumed she and Anna still got together, but not often, and their conversations were stilted. Once across the quad, Bella had caught sight of her with Barry and Matt. Anna and Matt both waved, but had kept on walking. Matt looked well. He hadn't hid from her or doubled back to talk to her. Bella figured that was just as it should be. Matt needed to keep moving on.
Bella's mood was quiet when Carlisle followed her into the kitchen that evening. He helped her gather ingredients, but before she could do more than start a pot of water, he took her hand in his. "What is wrong?" he asked gently.
"I think..." Bella licked her lips. "I think I've lost them."
"Your friends?" Carlisle intuited. "Why do you think that?"
"I don't spend time with them on campus anymore. Anna a little, but that's it. I didn't realize until now that Barry didn't even acknowledge seeing me this afternoon. And Matt, he's not avoiding me, but he's not going out of his way to cross my path either. And that's right, I'm OK with that. It's just that I'm not part of the group anymore. Maybe there hasn't really been a group since Ramesh died, but I know that's not why."
"It's me."
"Maybe. But it's more that it's no longer Matt and me."
Carlisle let go of her hand and stroked her back. "I'm sorry, Bella. Are you sure you can't repair your friendship with them?"
Bella blinked slowly, shaking her head. "I don't know, but it's probably just as well. I'd rather have things fall apart naturally than have to lie to them later once I'm changed."
"It's harder on you to lose them now. We've talked before about the losses you'll have to endure, but it'll be easier on you when your memories are fading and you have your new abilities to deal with. Are you sure you want it ended this way now?"
"Carlisle, it's easier on them this way. I know they cared, and leaving things as they have become, well, it's their choice."
"It's just as much your choice if you leave it be."
"Then we're all making the same decision." Bella moved away, pouring olive oil and white wine into the frying pan to heat. "Carlisle, I see that they're withdrawing and it hurts, and I didn't want it to happen. But I've given it some thought and I've decided to let it. Matt, Anna, Barry — they've all meant something to me, but I've got to let them go. I know who I want to keep in my life."
Carlisle came up behind her, and she felt his arms circle her waist. Leaning back, she gave him her weight and breathed him in, reveling in how right it felt.
"I don't know how I got so lucky," he said.
Bella smiled. "It's the other way around."
"You are a part of my every minute, Bella." His thumbs stroked her. "Each breath you take, your fragile heartbeat, your need to eat, sleep, wake. Nothing is more precious to me than you." He kissed her head. "I don't want to see you give up those you care about."
Bella turned in his arms and put her hands behind his neck. "I love you, Carlisle. And I accept everything comes with that. Trust me, I could not be happier." Raising her face she kissed him.
It was slow and tender, exploring. Everything still tasted new, and needed to be touched again. Carlisle tightened his arms, pulling her in closer and Bella sunk into him. Just pulling her bottom lip into his mouth, Carlisle suddenly stopped and turned his face toward the entryway.
"Whoops, sorry!" Alice's said. "I smelled the oil and thought that was the only thing heating up in here. My mistake."
"It's okay," Bella said, but gave Carlisle a regretful smile as she stepped back. "I need to get back to it anyway."
"What are you making for yourself?"
"Pasta caprese." Bella smiled at Alice. "How did we manage to take you by surprise anyway?"
"Oh, I'm not watching. I want to give you two your privacy, so I've loosened the attention my gift has on you."
"That's appreciated, Alice," Carlisle said, and he took the bottle of wine and poured some into a glass.
"What… Carlisle, tell me you aren't trying to get Bella drunk."
Bella laughed and took a sip from the glass before setting it down. "I don't need to be drunk. But I do need to finish the bottle before it goes bad."
Alice took a sniff. "Are you sure it hasn't already? Isn't this the one you opened when Renee was here?"
"Nope, different bottle. Mom got me two." Bella finished chopping the garlic and added it to the frying pan.
"Carlisle, I don't know how you can kiss her after she's put all that stuff in her mouth."
"Easy." Bella winked at Carlisle. "I just swish his saliva first."
"Ew."
(~*~)
It wasn't wrong to be taking it slow. Bella was conscious of that. A massage could be sensual, pleasurable, an opportunity to learn more about each other's bodies. Being in physical contact with Carlisle made Bella feel alive. Energy within and underneath her skin thrilled, and containing it was difficult. It was maddening, how cautiously Carlisle touched her. She was a concave button perfectly fitting the curve of his finger, but not fully depressed to engage the power. To accept the touch of muted foreplay but not the potential of the follow-through increasingly required her self-control, in more ways than one. It was an inner battle to slow down, to accept that her physical and emotional need to make love with him would only be met so far. And occasionally, frustration and impatience could break through the joy.
"A little bit more pressure, Carlisle," she said, but not as softly as she intended.
Carlisle's face was suddenly above hers, a twinkle in his eyes. "Are you giving me orders? Is that how this is going to work?"
"What? No. Shut up." She tried to push him off and the two of them rolled on her bed, laughing as she made more playful and futile efforts to dislodge him. Eventually they settled, with Carlisle on his back and Bella resting her head on his chest. As they lay there, Bella took note of some of their physical differences. The rise and fall of his chest was a measured affectation rather than a warm natural process. His body wasn't soft enough to pillow hers. But it didn't matter. If anything, it made being with him all the more wonderful. He was something more than human. He was Carlisle. And he was hers. Bella smiled.
"So…" Bella angled her face to look up at Carlisle's. "Do you want me to give you orders?"
Carlisle smiled and stroked her hair. "Bella, I want anything with you."
Their mutual attraction danced between them, giving purpose to the air. It would be so easy to let it carry them — but not simple. The glow in Carlisle's eyes muted, and seeing it, Bella settled her head back to where it had just been and the moment passed.
"Carlisle, I..." Bella took a breath. "I want everything, too. I know I've said it many times, but I'm going to say it again. I love you."
Carlisle was still stroking her hair, and changed to cup her face. He loved looking into her eyes. The strings of varying brown that exploded out from the black pupil in the center. The configuration was a beauty of nature that was as much a proof of God as anything else he'd ever scene. He could easily study the details of her brown eyes, learning each emotion in their texture, ad infinitum.
"Bella, I never tire of hearing you say it. I never tire of saying it. You know, being with you has changed me."
Bella snorted a slight doubtful noise, but her eyes still shone.
Carlisle grinned and pressed his lips to her hair. "Has it not been the same for you?"
Bella wiggled and they changed positions so that she was resting on his chest again. Carlisle pretended not to notice her slight wince before she adjusted the arm she held underneath her and beside him. Inwardly he sighed. Why had he not noticed before when they had cuddled that the contact was slightly abrasive to her? Had his new hyper-awareness of her brought it more prominently to his attention?
"It has," Bella answered. "Life is completely different now. And it is just as it should be."
Carlisle stroked her back, lightly, ever so carefully. "It's been a learning experience for me. My love for you, my need for you — both have always been there, though it still took me so long to notice. It turns out a vampire does have a subconscious. Do you remember having that conversation with me?"
"Mmm. Vaguely. On the road trip here, right? I don't think we really got into it. We were discussing your sex life."
Carlisle laughed. "True, we were. Discussing sex certainly proved to be a stimulant. That night in the hotel you were having, ah, interesting dreams."
Bella blushed. Carlisle found it charming that after all they'd become to each other, she could still feel embarrassed by her eighteen-year-old self having a naughty dream in his presence. "I didn't–I mean, I wasn't thinking about…"
"I didn't either. All the same, the sexual tension in that room became so thick, I had to leave."
"Wait." Bella lifted herself up onto her arm and pinned him with her gaze. "Are you saying that my dreams made you horny, Carlisle?"
"I was already horny," Carlisle admitted, "but your scent and your quiet moans made me truly turned on. When I left the room I reasoned it away. We'd been discussing sex, which put it on both our minds. It had been so long for me; my escalating physical interest was just a normal male reaction to your teenage hormones. Purely science. I know differently now. I have wanted you, I have been in love with you, for years. But I was blind to it. My subconscious knew, but I didn't."
Bella moved in closer. "I know what you mean."
They cuddled and stroked for a little while more before Bella spoke again. "Thinking about it, if something had happened between us that night in the hotel… Carlisle, I don't think I would have been ready."
He kissed her forehead once, twice, running along her hairline. "I understand. I certainly wasn't ready then either."
(~*~)
Time passed too quickly when Bella was with Carlisle, and too slowly when she wasn't. And unfortunately, there was a lot of "wasn't." Classes had to be attended, schoolwork and research done, shifts worked at the Storm Café. Bella chiefly scheduled her out-of-class work when Carlisle was at the hospital, and they did their best when there was an overlap of competing needs. Studying in his office was hard for her, because she had trouble focusing. And it was awful to not be in the same room as him when they were both home. From fairly early in the semester Bella started looking forward to Spring Break. Now March 20th was just around the corner.
Then there were the times that Carlisle wasn't at the hospital. And Bella wasn't at the Café and didn't need to get schoolwork done. And Maggie, Esme, Jasper and Alice were keeping themselves busy elsewhere, sometimes in the house and sometimes not. The times when Bella could focus on losing herself in his taste, in the touch of his unique skin, in feeling him touching her. Times that could range from pleasant, to happily frustrating, to just outright unsuccessful.
Bella tried not to wince, but an involuntary grunt still escaped her. Carlisle immediately stopped stroking her. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, keep going."
Carlisle hesitated, but then resumed his massage of her thighs at a gentler pace. Bella sighed and closed her eyes. She was flushed with arousal. Just the touch of Carlisle was enough to get her going, and he'd been making his way up her legs for a while.
"Ow!" she said as some of her skin got pinched between his fingers for the third time.
"Sorry." Carlisle immediately pulled his hand back.
"It's okay," Bella said, but Carlisle was already sitting up and retreating.
"I think I just have to concede that this isn't working out for us at the moment."
Bella went deadweight with a sigh. "You're right." Letting the remaining arousal fizzle, Bella hoped there'd be another opportunity later that night. Sometimes intimacy wasn't right due to the mood of the moment. Tonight it was because they couldn't get themselves physically aligned. It happened… sometimes. Bella sighed again. If she were being honest with herself, she was beginning to think that Carlisle was afraid of her body.
"Are you alright?" Carlisle said for the second time, before leaning over and kissing her chin.
"Mm-hmm." Bella nodded and smiled at him. "Just coming down, that's all."
Carlisle's eyes became sad and regretful. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to disappoint you."
"You don't." Bella scooted backward so that she was sitting up against her headboard. "I knew this was going to take us a little time, getting used to each other this way. But…"
"But what?"
"Well, sometimes I think things go awry because you're being too careful."
"Bella, I don't want to hurt you."
"I got bruised a couple times, Carlisle. That's fine. When you take it slow like this, I get hurt less lastingly – but it changes the mood. Or, maybe, the mood isn't completely there to begin with?"
"Bella—"
"Wait, listen. We've had more success when it's been spontaneous and natural than when we're trying to take advantage of an opportunity because our schedules allow for one. Think about it. Don't you agree?"
"Yes, actually, that is something I've noticed. So let's try something different."
"Okay, like what?"
"I'd very much like to take you out on a date, Bella."
Bella blinked. "Wow. We really haven't been out on a date yet?"
Carlisle smiled. "Hard to believe, isn't it?"
"Yeah. But you're right; we haven't."
"Movies? Dancing?"
"Um… there aren't really any good movies to see right now. And, me, dancing?"
"It'd be a different way to get physically comfortable with one another."
"Well, that's a point. Now you have me actually considering it – but where would we go dancing? Wait, do you mean to a club?"
"Um, not quite what I was thinking, but it's a possibility if you're interested."
"Er, no, I don't think so. What were you thinking?"
"A coworker of mine has a cousin that performs in a contra band. It's a style similar to Regency dance."
"Like Jane Austen?"
"Yes. With maybe a touch of square dancing."
Bella's excitement fizzled. "You're kidding."
"I think you might be surprised, Bella."
"I think you'd like contra dancing, Bella. Come with me tonight!" Bella closed her eyes at the sudden memory of Ramesh. He'd tried and failed to convince her to try it out with him years ago. She'd had too much studying, was dead-set against dancing, and he hadn't asked her again. Bella wished she'd gone with him.
"Bella? Are you alright?"
Bella opened her eyes and smiled. "I'm fine. Let's go contra dancing, Carlisle. I think that they do those at the college, don't they?"
"I wouldn't be surprised," Carlisle said, "but we don't have to go there if you don't want to."
"Knock, knock." Bella looked up at the sound of Alice's voice as she opened up Bella's door. "Are you two talking about contra dancing? I want in."
As Alice entered, Bella glanced down at her nightwear to make sure she didn't look indecent. Giving herself the all clear, she scooted over and let Alice plop on a spot beside her on the bed. "You mean you want to horn in on our first date?"
"Mm-hmm. A group of four is an asset to the contra."
Bella started to respond, but then Carlisle laughed and Alice rolled her eyes. Bella frowned at them. "Am I missing something?"
"Sorry, Bella, I spoke out of your hearing." Jasper appeared in the doorframe, Alice having left the door ajar. "I said that Alice just wanted a chance shake her ass in public."
"There is no ass-shaking in contra dancing," Carlisle pointed out.
"No, but I do want to be twirling on the dance floor with Jasper." Alice gave Bella a rueful smile. "The two of you aren't the only couple trapped in the house. Besides, it's healthy to double date; it keeps you, as a couple, from getting into a rut."
"Are we in a rut?" Carlisle asked, holding Bella's hand and stroking it with his thumb. Mmm, Bella thought.
"We are," Alice pointed to herself and Jasper. "Let's all go contra dancing, please?"
(~*~)
All six of them were going contra dancing. For a couple different reasons, they chose to go to Montpelier. One was because Bella just wanted away from the college. Another was that Maggie and Esme were comfortable in that city as a couple, where they didn't need to pretend to be cousins. The next contra dance landed on the Friday evening that started Bella's Spring Break. As it turned out March 20th became a momentous day.
The cry was loud enough to bring Bella running from her bedroom. Indeed, the whole house came running to find what had made Esme call out. When Bella made it into the kitchen, Esme was sitting on a stool, her laptop open on the island. Her hands were covering her face and she was shaking her head. "I don't believe it. I don't believe it." She said it over and over again.
Having looked at the laptop screen Maggie wrapped her arms around Esme. "My darling! My darling."
Esme dropped her hands and in the brief glimpse of her face before she grabbed Maggie and kissed her Bella was surprised to discover that Esme was laughing.
"What is it?" Bella asked. She tried to see the laptop, but couldn't.
"It passed," Carlisle said, wonderment in his voice.
"It passed?"
"Of course it passed." Alice was as chirpy as usual.
"It passed!" Esme shouted, breaking her lips away from Maggie and getting off her chair to pull Alice into their hug.
"26 to 4. The State Senate just passed the marriage bill."
"Oh my God!" And Bella was pulled into the group hug, too.
"It still needs to go through the Vermont House of Representatives."
"Don't be a killjoy," Carlisle said to Jasper around the laughing and screaming ladies who were hugging and jumping in a circle.
"Oh, Alice, I'm so glad I didn't have you tell me!"
"What, you don't want to know that the House will pass it, too? Two weeks from now, 95 to 52."
"95 to 52!" Esme was shaking with joy.
"Or thereabouts."
"Alice, tell us everything," Maggie said. "First it was Massachusetts 6 years ago, then Connecticut last year. Iowa. Various states, back and forth, approved, vetoed, delayed. And now the state in which we live. I've been waiting for all this to backfire, and I just don't want to wait anymore. Tell us, please."
"Governor Douglas will veto, but it will be overridden the very next day. New Hampshire will happen this year, too. There'll be more states, and more pushback. It's still an ongoing battle, but, Maggie… Esme… it's going to stay around. The marriages that have already taken place are not going to be invalidated."
Esme covered her face again. Bella and Alice stepped away as Maggie determinedly pulled Esme's hands back. "Esme," she said. "My beautiful, wonderful Esme. Marry me, be my wife."
"Only if you will be my wife!" And Esme threw her arms around Maggie, who kissed her immediately.
Bella cried for all of them.
Laughing again — or still — Esme pulled them all back into a hug. "Hey everybody, let's go dancing tonight!"
(~*~)
Maggie and Esme stayed behind in Montpelier, getting themselves a room for the weekend. Bella was so happy for them, and, oh her body was tired. She felt better after the hour's drive home. Back in her room, nighttime routine completed, she was just ready to undress. But she stopped to look in her mirror. She'd put on a skirt for their date, for the dancing. She was wearing skirts a bit more often these days, despite the cold weather. Bella wondered if that meant anything.
"You look beautiful tonight," Carlisle said. He'd been sitting at her desk when she came in.
Bella smiled at him. "I guess I better believe you. You've said it more than once tonight."
"I couldn't help myself. I enjoyed being out with you."
Bella was looking in her mirror again, taking off her earrings. "It was fun." Bella chose not to bring up the muscle she'd slightly pulled in her neck the first time someone other than Carlisle tried to swing her.
She didn't need to. Carlisle came up behind her and touched the spot. "Is it still hurting you?"
"Not really," she answered. Her voice was soft, but she was beginning to feel less tired. There was something about seeing Carlisle standing behind her, seeing the two of them together. The way he was looking at her through the mirror, she could tell that Carlisle was feeling it, too. "I love you," she said.
Slowly Carlisle took a step closer. Bella could see him and feel him. From behind, he put his arms around her, still moving slowly. The touch was more than an expression of love, and Bella's breath caught.
She closed her eyes, because keeping them open would have been too hard. The feeling created by him touching her demanded that no attention be paid to her other senses. She couldn't see, couldn't hear, couldn't even smell him. The only taste was the absence of what she wanted. Her body became its own sense: the tingle between her legs, heavily dancing onto her thighs and lower back, the arms and hands that needed to reach and bring him closer.
Bella opened her eyes and her body spoke through them. His eyes were darkening to whiskey in the simmering contact with hers. She knew he felt what she felt, knew that she didn't have to hold back from sharing her needs. Bella pressed the advantage. "I want you," she said aloud.
Carlisle didn't look away from her eyes. He touched her hair, letting the locks flow over his fingers before sweeping them away from her neck. With the arm still around her waist, he pulled her in flush against his chest, fingers lightly stroking. Still meeting her gaze in the mirror, he kissed her exposed neck.
Bella's breath shuddered. She could see the increased rise and fall of her chest in the mirror as Carlisle continued to kiss along her neck. Then both of them, at once, closed their eyes.
She moved against him as he kissed her, her back to his chest, her butt to his thighs, trying to get as close as possible. His hand slowly moved down her waist, crossing over her. She gasped but he moved on to stop at her thigh. His fingers bunched the fabric of her skirt. Bella let out a moan and moved her neck, switched his access to her other side. Carlisle moved with her, anticipating, and kissed the untouched skin. Both his hands were stroking her thighs now, slowly raising the skirt.
He knew he shouldn't, that it wasn't the best decision. But she was so warm against his chest, smelled so sweet he could practically taste her musk. It was her need for him, and his need not only for her, but to please her, that carried him to move his fingers beneath her skirt. To touch her.
Bella gasped and moved against his fingers, rising to her toes. Her soft, round bottom stroked his thighs. The moan in her throat reverberated against his lips. The fabric protecting her was wet, and Carlisle moved it aside.
"Yes," Bella hissed. "Oh, yes." One arm locked around his neck, and her other hand clasped the back of his, keeping him between her legs, moving with it. "Carlisle." She felt so soft, so warm, so wet that he moaned. Moaned when she moved her head, moaned when he kissed his own name escaping from her lips as she moved herself along his fingers. His erection was pressing against her lower back, and she moved deliberately against it, up and down with each strain of her legs.
He wanted her.
His fingers moved faster and she sped up, matching, passing, her breath was getting heavier — and God help him, he did it. He licked the sweat he saw begin to bead on her. She felt so good on his fingers, so wonderful against his cock. She worked her body against him, holding his hand against her, rubbing her clit wherever she could make friction. Her moaning became gasping and for a second it sounded like pain. And he reminded himself his fingers would hurt her more than any other part of his body.
Carlisle slipped his hand out from under Bella's and pulled it away.
"What?" Breathing heavy, Bella opened her eyes. She saw her own reflection first. Her brow was sweaty, her eyelids low and her chest was heaving. Her skirt was falling down, caught only by her hand that was still loosely there. Carlisle was behind her, her arm still around his neck. He seemed such a contrast, upright while she slouched, still while her whole body moved with each attempt to recapture oxygen.
"I don't want to hurt you," he spoke lowly, his eyes hooded.
His complexion was smooth and dry, while she was flushed and had begun to sweat. Bella could only see their differences in appearance. What was happening between them was intense, more intense than just about anything she'd done with him before, and he looked as though he was next to unaffected by it. He was turned on, absolutely, but he didn't want her like she wanted him. It was there to see before her eyes.
"You don't want me?" she breathed, shocked and hurt.
"Of course I want you." The genuine surprise in his tone was lost on Bella. She was coming down from her arousal, and it was painful.
"You don't look like it. Oh, God." She stepped aside, turning so that she was facing him without the mirror, backing away from him. "Is this how it really is?"
"Is what how it— No, Bella, I want you. I want you so much I'm not using reason. I could hurt you with my hand."
"I wasn't hurting!" It was a lie; her insides were a bit sore, and not entirely in a pleasant way. "I loved it. I wanted more." Bella bumped into the bed, and stopped.
"So did I." Carlisle moved in, not letting her get away. "Bella, please don't ever doubt how much I love and want you."
"I don't want to." Bella covered her face. "I'm sorry. I'm angry and I'm frustrated and I…" She took a deep breath and lowered her hands. "I'm just coming down."
"Don't." Carlisle was in front of her now. "I love you." He kissed her, emotion packed into the pressure of his lips on hers. She gave in, opening her mouth, sucking on his upper lip as he pulled on her lower. "I want you," he said, his hands curving along her hips. Bella kissed him back, and when he leaned into her, fell backward upon the bed. He was over her, kissing her, and God, she loved the feeling of him on top of her. Kissing him and kissing him, Bella opened her legs to get on the outside of his, but her skirt hampered her. Still kissing her, licking her, Carlisle leaned the lower half of his body away to lift up her skirt. Feeling the cloth move on her thighs made Bella grow even more wet, remembering how her skirt had lifted just a few minutes ago. "I love you," Carlisle said, moving down her body, his hair falling forward and caressing her along the path he took. His hands were at her hips again, only this time under the fabric. "I want you." He pulled down her underwear. "Always."
And it was his mouth again. Between her legs, making her flesh dance, her hips undulate. And Bella accepted it. Her hands went to her sides, covering his as they had done before.
"Carlisle," she cried, and it was part weeping, because though it felt good and she wanted this, loved him there, it wasn't enough. She wanted his body between her legs, not just his face. She wanted to feel more penetration, wanted his colder body inside hers. Her body dictated to her mind, and she imagined his tongue longer and thicker, his thighs hitting hers while he moved in and out. She felt the real, delicious touch of him on her clit and her body let go, fantasy and reality intermixing to bring about the little death. As though from a distance Bella heard Carlisle's happy growl.
There was a tear in her eye when she returned fully to herself again. Bella tried to ignore it, but she knew why it was there. And she stared at the ceiling above her bed as Carlisle crawled back up to be beside. He smelled so damn good; it made her heart hurt how much she wanted him.
"For a moment there I thought…" Bella didn't finish. She took another moment, getting her breathing under control. "Carlisle, I want to have sex with you."
"I know," Carlisle answered, but Bella couldn't read his tone.
She rolled over onto her side and looked at him. His face was completely open to her. It was amazing to her how sometimes just seeing his face made her heart swell. This was Carlisle, her love. He smiled at her, with one finger stroked her cheek. She smiled into it, and kissed his fingertip when it reached her chin. His love for her shone back at her, almost but not quite covering his worry. And his desire was definitely still present.
"I'm not afraid, you know." Bella put her hand on his chest, and lay her head down. "I'm not afraid of your body." And her hand slid down, maneuvering beneath his belt-tightened waistband until she found what she was looking for. "See?" she said, grasping him.
Carlisle gasped at the contact. "Bella…"
"It's okay," she said softly, and leaned in to kiss him as she stroked his erection. Carlisle's eyes closed on a groan, and she kissed him again, tenderly. His hands came up and slid into her hair, holding her as he kissed her back. Bella sighed into him. It was so easy to lose herself in his taste, drink him in. "I love you."
"Bella, I love you."
And they kissed slowly while she stroked him. She kept it gentle, easy. He felt amazing in her hand. His flesh was otherworldly smooth and hard, yet soft enough to respond when she gave a squeeze. Bella had both the urge to suck him into her mouth and to get on top and ride him, but she fought them down. This was about something different now, more than just her needs. It was about the kiss, and the connection. The love they felt for each other, growing between them, nurtured with each touch of their lips.
Bella shifted, moved so that her body was over Carlisle's.
"Bella," he said, part protest, part plea, but more reverent than anything else.
Bella moved her hand out of his pants. "Trust me," she whispered against his lips. She knew that what she was planning was worthy of his trust. It was right, right for him, right for the moment, and right for them. Kissing him again, her hands undid the buckle of his belt. That was all. Placing her hands on either side of Carlisle's body, she kissed him. And kissed him.
His arms came around her, and he kissed her back. Not stopping, never stopping. It was all about the next kiss. The room got hotter. She got warmer and her heat surrounded his whole body. Arms still around her, he sat them up, kissing her. Tasting her mouth because all his mouth wanted was hers. Bella's knees bent as her legs fell to either side of him. He pulled her in by the hips and moaned as she touched him. He could feel her wet softness through the crotch of his pants. And she moved, moved herself against him and for a moment Carlisle thought he might lose his mind. He kissed Bella and whimpered as she moved again. He felt his buckle come in contact with her thigh, and his arms left her to pull the thing off of him.
His pants remained on though, stayed on as she kissed him again, as she pushed him onto his back. Thighs still on either side of him, she pressed herself against him, and he pushed against her. So close, oh so close, the tip of him could have been inside her, even through the clothes.
He released her mouth on a gasp, needing to intake breath to counteract the sheer joy and intensity. Bella stopped moving, let him gather himself. Then she moved against him once — just once — letting her body almost take the tip of him in again before moving away. She lowered her head to kiss him, and he pulled her closer, hands on her back. Her legs straightened out so that she was over him instead of straddling him, and it was beautiful to have her whole body so close to his. He kissed her, drank from her and she drank from him.
Bella moved again, raising her waist so that it was actually closer to Carlisle's navel. She had to let go of his mouth, suddenly taller than him. But then her point found his tip and she moved them against each other. They both gasped. She did it again, and again, and he moved his hips to meet her, grinding. Their hands clung to each other's bodies as the humping continued.
Oh, the sounds Carlisle was making. He grabbed her hips, moving them so that he could press his erection into her clit over and over. Her body was flat over his, and they slid along one other, driving to that mad pulse of pleasure between their legs.
"God, Bella," Carlisle said.
"Carlisle, yes." She could do this all night. "It feels so good."
"It does. God, Bella, I love you."
"Feel me, Carlisle. Make me feel how much you love me."
Carlisle grunted, and the contact he made against her clit made her gasp and emit a single laugh of joy.
"Oh, Carlisle, yes. I love you." It felt so good. "I love this. I want to do everything with you."
"Unh. Unh."
"I love you. I want more. I want to suck you into my mouth. Soon, please, yes, soon."
"Unn-nnh."
"And I want to feel you inside me."
"Yes," he cried loudly, and Bella felt the already wet fabric between them get even wetter. The smell was incredible, triple the intensity of the way he tasted, and it made her mouth water.
"Oh my." Unable to help herself, Bella pressed her flesh against it, moving in small circles, celebrating his orgasm, not caring that she had not had another of her own.
Carlisle laughed and rolled her. On top, he smiled down at her. Bella smiled back up at him.
"I love you," she said.
"I love you." Carlisle leaned down and kissed her lips. "Always."
Bella was still smiling when she opened her eyes and saw him gazing at her. "What?"
"You want to suck me into your mouth?"
Bella lifted her chin. "Yes."
"You want me inside of you?"
"Yes."
"Tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow."
And they both laughed.
(~*~)
The sky was clouded over. Bella saw only gray and white over the treetops. Warmer weather had moved in to Vermont, and today the clouds promised rain instead of snow. Funny, how the day could look so drab when Bella knew it was going to be anything but.
"We're going to go into New York, I think."
"City?" Bella asked, turning away from the window.
"No," Jasper answered for Alice. "Not that far, northern New York."
"Jasper doesn't really want to deal with the big city. Neither do I, for that matter. This weekend is one for intimacy, and I think northern New York will do just nicely for us."
"Carlisle and I don't mean to kick you out," Bella said. She sat on the edge of their bed, watching as Alice gathered various things from their drawers and closet.
"You're not. We're happy to go. It's about time."
Bella tried not to blush, but there was no hiding it from Jasper.
"No need to be embarrassed, Bella," he said. He put his hand on her shoulder, and Bella could feel the boost in confidence.
"All done," Alice said, zipping up her bag. "Let's go, Jazz. I want to be long gone before Carlisle gets home from work."
Bella followed them down to the front door, and with a quick kiss goodbye each, Alice and Jasper were gone.
Bella took a deep breath and, after turning a circle, went upstairs to prepare a bath.
(~*~)
Maine
He'd only had his uncle, and been thankful for it. His parents had died in a car accident when he was four. He remembered them only vaguely, but despite that he still loved them. Uncle Harold was full of wild and sometimes raunchy tales of youth mishaps with his younger brother. His favorite was of a time when they'd pulled a prank on a friend of theirs the eve of his wedding, resulting in the groom walking through the town wearing only boxer shorts and strawberry syrup.
Both brothers had died too young. Uncle Harold might have been old by another's standard, but in his opinion no one should die of a heart attack at 57. There had been so much life in him.
He knew he shouldn't be out here alone, but solitude was something he needed. Out here in the snow, in the quiet of the undeveloped land, he felt his uncle's presence most. And he knew that seeing Ursa and her cubs would calm him. He wasn't on duty; he didn't have to weigh them today. At two months old, he'd wager they'd only be about 18 pounds anyway.
Ursa herself had only been a cub when they'd first tagged her. She was one of his first professional tags. He'd been just a teenager, following in his uncle's footsteps working for the MDIFW. After four years, he was the only creature she'd known since birth who was still alive.
He easily found the den where she'd chosen to hibernate and give birth, despite the fact that snow had accumulated since his last visit. It would probably now be about six and a half feet deep.
Ursa was highly agitated. A snuffle and a blinking stare was what he was used to seeing from her during hibernation. Not this time. She growled from inside her snow den as he slid in. He stopped, surprised.
"Easy girl, it's just me," he said softly. Not moving, he waited for his cue. Ursa was silent. He considered backing away, but then became concerned that one of the cubs was hurt or doing poorly. He hadn't seen any tracks, so there was no one else around to have caused Ursa to be tense. Convinced she needed his help, he decided to move further in. If she postured, he'd get out of there.
What he didn't know was that Ursa sensed danger nearby and not even the smell of a familiar human was going to make her pause in protecting her cubs.
(~*~)
It was eerily quiet in the house. Bella didn't think that she'd ever been totally alone in it before. She checked her cell again, still afraid that Carlisle would text to say they were making him work an extra shift.
She'd taken a long, hot, bubble bath. Shaved her legs, rubbed lotion into her skin so that she would smell nice and feel soft for him. She knew she always did, but this was special.
But it was planned. Would it go wrong just because it was planned?
When she remembered the previous night, it was hard to believe that anything would go wrong. It was all there between them; she got turned on just thinking about it.
Her phone rang.
"Carlisle?"
"I'm on my way home."
"Yesss. I'm waiting for you."
A dance of joy, mostly in her stomach.
She kissed him when he came in the door, and he was expecting it. They kissed up against the wooden rack that held the coat hooks.
They kissed more in the kitchen, which is where Bella kicked off her shoes.
Carlisle's labcoat was left in the living room.
He took her panties off on the stairs.
"Oh, God…"
His belt joined them when she returned the gesture.
By his necktie Bella pulled him into the bathroom. And it was there, his shirt untucked, his pants still on but unzipped and open, that Bella finally got to take him into her mouth.
"Bella!" Carlisle cried, hands in her hair.
"Don't even think…" Bella broke away to say. Then she continued sucking him, pulling on him with her mouth, back and forth, her hands touching every bit of him her mouth wasn't. He was smooth and wet, deliciously cool, celestially hers, and she took him for several repetitions until she pulled back to run her tongue around his tip. "…of stopping me."
"No," Carlisle breathed. "I won't."
Laughing breathlessly, Bella stopped and pulled him by the necktie again. This time into her room. And she didn't get the chance to do anything new once the door shut.
Her dress was a button down, and Carlisle was working the top buttons. He was behind her, his erection pressing into her backside. While one hand was on the buttons, the other was up her skirt. Bella's thighs were open, her knees bent as her body leaned back into him. Then one hand was on her breast while his other hand worked between her legs.
Bella gasped. Her body was dancing this dance, knowing it was going to reach the ending it wanted. "You won't hurt me," she said as she moved against his hand.
"I won't." They moved like that a little more, and then Carlisle picked her up and laid her on the bed.
She was on her back, his body over hers. There was no bra under the dress, so her breasts lay exposed. Carlisle made eye contact with her, and the need she could feel coming from him definitely matched her own. Then he sucked her nipple into his mouth.
Her entire body reacted. Everything, from her toes and ankles, to her neck and head, tingled in a moving rush of pleasure toward his mouth. His hand stroked her thigh, and she moved to grab him, stroke him in return.
"Bella," Carlisle groaned.
"Don't stop," she begged, but let go herself because the angle was awkward.
"No," Carlisle said softly before pressing his mouth again to her breast.
Bella moaned, and her hands went to his back, bunching the fabric of his shirt between her fingers. His hands rose above her thighs, still under the fabric of her dress.
"Don't stop. Carlisle, don't stop," Bella panted. Everything was going beautifully out of control. Bella wanted to feel Carlisle this close to her, touching her, forever.
"I won't. I can't." Carlisle's lips whispered against her skin as he…
Then he stopped. His whole body stilled in position over her, his hands remaining on her hips. He didn't move at all.
"Carlisle?" Bella asked, confused. She started to come out of her haze, and realized that Carlisle's face was turned, his head cocked as though listening. "What is it?"
"Something's wrong," he said. Carlisle closed his eyes and hung his head. Bella could feel his whole body tremble and stop before he opened his eyes again. Caressing Bella's hips gently, he pulled the skirt of her dress back into place and moved off of her. "It's Rosalie."
"Rosalie?" Bella sat up. "She's here?"
"Yes," Carlisle answered, and he was heading for the door the next instant. "She's not alone."
Then, from outside, Bella just barely heard what could only be Rosalie's voice coming closer. "Carlisle! Help me!"
Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c-
Moo!
I've waited three years to tell that joke. ;)
The comment in this chapter Tanya makes about Carlisle looking at his semen under the microscope is based on a joke that gisellelx tweeted a long time ago, which I never forgot.
Historical accuracy: On Friday March 20th 2009 it was unanimously recommended to the Vermont State Senate by their subcommittee that the marriage bill allowing for same-sex couples be passed. The Senate had to wait for Monday the 23rd to actually do it.
Big thanks to Worm, Serendipitous, M, Pagly, E, B, Miao, Nix, Jen, KT, Roja, MeraNaam, Mina R… Old, constant, and new friends, my husband, all the readers.
I've appreciated every review that came in letting me know that people were still interested as time dragged I went through draft after draft of Chapter 31. I believe there are currently 10 different versions on my computer.
Thanks, as ever, goes to AllTheOtherNamesAreUsed, my amazing beta who juggles a lot, and puts up with me like a true friend.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Next chapter… Emmett.