Days passed. Loki lied in bed but did not sleep. When sleep did take him he was wracked with nightmares of blood, screaming, and pain. He awoke bereft and alone, knowing he had scorned the love of everyone in his life that mattered. His parents loved him, knew him well enough that they did not try to force him into a relationship where he would feel like a broodmare and a whore. He ended up hating them for trying to raise him equally with Thor, and falling short.
Then there is Thor. Loki takes stock of all his misdeeds and finds a glaring hideous truth. He's been lying to himself for a very long time. He's had many reasons to attack and undermine Thor to this point, jealousy, rivalry, envy, ambition, greed…but it was love that drove Loki to madness. And what did he achieve? He destroyed the person he loved the most and turned him into a twisted thing, a thing he must now fear. He has no doubt, Thor will kill him the next time they meet.
He never imagined in his wildest dreams that Thor would ever return his affections. How could he? It was Thor and his friends that first called him ergi when he was an adolescent. Loki could only assume Thor did not harbor such lustful preferences. He trained himself to look upon Thor with plutonic love and nothing more. The years passed and the competition between them for the throne became a wedge that turned Loki's love into jealousy and envy. Now, everything is destroyed. He destroyed himself.
Loki thinks about the future as he lies on his couch in his darkened apartment. It is large and luxurious thanks to his thievery, magic, and deception. Loki has been living quite comfortably on Midgard. He orders take out Chinese food for a week straight. He cries. He laments Thor, but what he really laments is his solitude. He's alone. He has no friends. He tried to kill them. He has no family, not here, not anymore. After trying no less than seven times to kill Thor, his brother had finally had enough. And what did he expect? No really. What the fuck had he been thinking? What were his goals? His end game? After escaping the prison in Asgard he just went back to Midgard and picked up where he left off with the ambition of achieving what? All he did was screw around with these petty games and skirmishes. It was fun. It was distracting. It hid the fact that he had completely fucked his whole life. Thor may be a god but he is a man as well. His patience does have limits. Thor is his brother no longer. He is the enemy. Truly, for the first time.
Two months go by. Loki looks in the mirror and tries to recall the last time he bathed. Four days ago? He hops into the shower and gives himself the first good scrub down he's had in weeks. He's been so exhausted lately, and has been sleeping excessively, but that is the depression he supposes. Food has lost its appeal as well. So much so that he occasionally retches for no discerning reason. He gets out of the shower and wipes away the fog that steamed up the mirror. His hair has gotten even longer. He used to care about things like that. He doesn't have anyone in his life to impress. He's alone in the universe and no one, save his parents, would mourn his passing. And even they would feel a measure of relief.
He looks in the mirror and studies his face. His face has healed. He has a small scar now above his eyebrow. It's not really noticeable, but it will always remind him. Loki stands up tall and straightens his shoulders and takes stock of his situation. He either needs to get busy living or get busy dying, and suicide just doesn't seem as appealing the second time around.
"Enough. You had a dream. That dream is dead. You are alone now, but you can start over. You can be someone new. You can put away the childishness. You are not a prince. Not here. Here you are a poor man, for you have no family or friends. If you want happiness, you'll have to go out and get it…just as soon as I figure out what the hell that is."
Loki gets dressed and makes an effort to look presentable, even though he has to change his face to avoid detection. He takes the elevator down and gets onto the subway. The sounds and smells of New York are not always pleasant, but after being cooped up in his apartment the change is welcomed. He gets off at the stop for Central Park and finds a beautiful set of trees to sit under. It is autumn and the leaves are changing color. The bright reds, golds, and yellows are cheerful and brilliant. The bright blue sky is devoid of clouds of any kind. He spends the rest of the day people watching. It's a start.
XxXxXxXx
Days pass. Thor refuses to look at Jane and speaks little. She's worried about him but this silence is bullshit. He's wallowed long enough. Either he needs to confess whatever the hell he did or suck it up and drive on.
"Thor. Just tell me."
"I cannot."
"Can't or won't?"
"You've always been supportive of me. I've never had to worry about ulterior motives with you. Your gestures of goodwill are always genuine. With Loki I've always had to wonder if there was a larger game at play."
"I sense of really big BUT in there…."
"But you and I are over. I am not the man you thought I was, and I will never love you in the way you deserve."
"You're breaking up with me?" Jane asks, astonished. "No! No you don't get to break up with me. You need me to get through…whatever the fuck this is. You fell from grace once before but you can get up again. This is just a temporary setback."
"I raped Loki." Thor says. It takes Jane a moment to process the words. It is as though Thor has spoken a foreign language. The seconds tick by as Jane's face slowly contorts to one of disgust and disbelief.
"What?"
"I held him down and fucked him as he screamed, and it was WONDERFUL!" Thor's voice cracks, betraying his secret pain beneath.
"Oh my god! Oh MY GOD! What! How…WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! HE'S YOUR BROTHER!"
"He's a Jotunn orphan, a spoiled prince, and a traitor who has tried to kill me for the last time."
"Okay…so you try to kill him back. That's how that works. Why rape Thor?" Tears stream down Jane's face.
"To expel a long held desire I had for him." Thor looks down and away.
"I see." Jane marches to their bedroom and stuffs her clothes into her suitcase. She doesn't bother trying to get every last little thing. If she forgets a pair of underwear or her toothbrush so be it. She just needs to leave. She doesn't bother looking at him as she leaves their apartment there at Avenger's tower. She does head to the clubhouse, though to wish the others a final farewell. She finds Tony and Steve playing a videogame on the couch. The two men spot her and know she has learned something devastating.
"Pause it." Steve says. Tony pushes the little button. They both rise to meet her.
"I'm not coming back." She sobs as she hugs Tony and then Steve. "You guys are really great. You're real heroes. You really are. Tony if you ever have questions or want my input on some research you promise to call me okay?"
"Yeah you bet." Tony says.
"Jane?"
"Yeah Steve?"
"What did Thor do?"
"I can't…I can't…" Jane wipes her eyes with her wrist as she turns and runs to the elevator to escape. The doors close and she is gone.
Steve and Tony head straight to Thor's room and find the Thunder God right where Jane left him. They each take a seat in a chair across from him.
"Thor. Look man, we can see you are not coping with what happened." Tony says.
"You did something terrible, and you obviously regret it."
"I don't." Thor says.
"I think you do." Steve says. "Good men don't spend several days drunk and then break up with their girlfriend over something they are not ashamed of."
"Tell us what you did. You'll feel better." Tony says.
"You'll run from me, as Jane did. You will no longer count me as your friend." Thor says.
"You tortured Loki didn't you?" Tony says. "I'm not a big fan of torture. You know my history. But I would be a hypocrite if I didn't confess that I have fantasized countless times about beating the shit out of Loki for days on end, until his body finally gave out. I know the big green guy would love to take another crack at him."
"Thor, if you had him, why didn't you kill him?" Steve asks. Thor doesn't answer. He looks away and fidgets like a small child caught in a lie. "Thor, if Loki is still a threat, we need to know."
"Loki will always be a threat. He will never stop. He will not be satisfied until I am dead."