Bruce stays behind at Doom's lab to destroy all of the samples they took from Thor and to inventory anything else that is there. The computer is of interest. No one speaks on the short plane ride back to the tower. Thor stares straight ahead. When the team arrives back at the tower Nick and the medical team are waiting. Thor is taken to sick bay where a nurse puts a suture in his arm for the small wound. Thor trembles when the latex glove touches him. Loki sits quietly in a chair beside him. The nurse leaves and a doctor comes in and closes the door. Thor is instantly on edge.
"Thor, I'm Dr. Harrelson. I've been informed that you suffered torture of an intimate nature. I've come to ask you if you wish to have a physical examination done, to check your health and for any permanent damage. Is that something you want?"
"No." Thor says.
"If you reconsider, do not hesitate to call me. I've also come to warn you about the psychological side effects that you can expect to suffer. If at any point in the future you suffer impotency, you need to consider that it might be mental, physical, or a combination of both."
"Impotency?" Thor says.
"It is not uncommon for men that have endured torture like this to have difficulty achieving orgasm or to have low libido. If it happens, and persists I want you to consider letting me examine you. Keep my number, okay?" The doctor asks. Thor nods.
"Well, if I am not doing an exam, then my work here is done. These are some sedatives, I recommend you take them tonight to get some sleep. They'll keep the nightmares away as well. In the morning I recommend you seek out the services of a psychiatrist for follow up care." The doctor hands Thor a bottle of pills and then leaves the room. Loki gets up and fills a paper cup with some water and hands it to Thor.
"Take the pill Thor. You need sleep." Loki says. Thor looks up at Loki with a shattered expression.
"Did you have pills?" Thor asks.
"No."
Thor uncaps the bottle and pops one into his mouth before chasing it with water.
"Good. Valeria is still asleep. Mother is gone. She wanted to stay but she'd kept the projection going too long as it was. She asked me to look after you." Loki says. Thor looks up at that statement.
"How can you look after me? I wanted to rip out their throats. Do you not wish the same of me?" Thor says almost at a whisper. They are alone in the exam room. The bright white florescent lights and stark white walls make the room feel cold like a prison cell. Perhaps it is.
"I did once, before you raped me, to a certain extent. Destroying you provided me a certain clarity I don't think I would have achieved otherwise. What those men did to you was born of heartless selfish reasons. The robbing of power and the humiliation is just an automatic thing with any rape. But they were just collecting samples Thor. You ripped my heart from my chest."
"I hate you. I'm so tired of hating you. It all went so wrong. If I'd had the courage to tell you how I felt years ago, none of this would have happened. I tried to kill my love for you that I've been carrying since adolescence. I was certain your love for me was gone. I thought there was no hope." Thor says.
"I don't blame you for believing that. I believed it myself. I wanted to stop loving what I thought I could never have. It is only logical to assume that someone that is trying to kill you repeatedly does not love you. What I did to you was criminal, and I am sorry." Loki says.
"I am sorry Loki. For everything. I have been a terrible brother. I should have recognized your suffering years ago."
"It wasn't all bad. If it had been I wouldn't have been able to love you as much as I do." Loki says. "You weren't always an insensitive oaf."
"I was a jealous one. I thought I could never have you. I felt disgust with myself for desiring my own brother. I was supposed to desire women. I was supposed to desire Sif. I mocked you to deflect attention from myself. I was so certain everyone could see my ergi lust for you. I never imagined that you were actually ergi or that you might return my affections." Thor says, absolutely wrecked. It's two in the morning and the sleeping pill will be kicking in soon.
"Let's go get some sleep. Valeria will be up soon."
"Will you stay with me?" Thor asks.
"Yes." Loki takes Thor by the hand and guides him back to his room. "I'll be right back. I'm going to grab some night clothes and check on Valeria." Loki slips into his room, fumbling in the dark. He grabs a set of green satin pajama pants and looks in on his little girl in her little bed. She'll be needing a room of her own soon. Her little hand has wrangled a golden curl around a cute golden chubby finger. Loki changes quickly and heads back to Thor's room to find Thor still sitting on his bed staring into space. Loki grabs a set of red sweat pants out of the dresser and hands them to Thor. He's still wearing the sheet from the warehouse.
Thor stands and his hands tremble when he reaches for the knot at his hip. Tears drip down his face and he cannot look up for fear of meeting Loki's eyes and breaking down completely. Loki's hands catch Thor's.
"Cry into me." Loki whispers. He unties the knot for Thor as Thor throws his big arms around Loki to embrace him. His break down is total. The sheet slips to the floor. Loki holds his brother as he cries, like he has not done since he was very very small. The loud sobs and gasping breathes are hardly muffled by Loki's narrow shoulder and black hair. Bruce should certainly be able to hear him through the wall.
Loki gently pushes Thor into a sitting position on the bed so the pants can get slipped onto Thor's legs. He slides them up, taking care not to look at Thor's neither region. Thor stands to get them the rest of the way on, and Loki slips them over his hips. Loki swallows hard then and looks down. Thor climbs into bed as Loki reaches for the light switch. He slides in beside Thor.
"Do you want me to hold you?" Loki asks.
"Yes." Thor curls into Loki, resting his head atop Loki's chest. They drift off into an unrestful sleep.
Loki opens his eyes to see that it is just after eight in the morning and Thor is still curled up around him. He didn't budge an inch in his sleep. Loki pets his hair as he contemplates the turn of events yesterday. The first thing he feels is the relief wash over him like an ocean wave. This anger, this long standing heartache is finally able to melt away into something better. Thor can finally see his part in all of this.
The guilt comes then. He shouldn't be enjoying the effects of Thor's misfortune, but he is. Only through horror could Thor see and understand the pain he inflicted. Things were not getting better and it was only a matter of time before things became untenable. They had been since the beginning, really. Now at long last they can finally start over.
Thor stirs and his eyes open. His body shifts slightly at first and Loki notices the wince. Loki remembers the sharp stinging pain from being ripped open by a large cock. Thor's large cock. It took several days for the sensation to go away. Those days had been the worst. He was reminded with each step and bowel movement what had been done to him. Thor now feels that pain. The humiliation of being rendered powerless and unmanned. It could have been so much worse. It could have been personal, like what he did to Loki.
"You need to eat, you need to drink lots of water, and later we will drink alcohol. Lots of it. But first we will shower. We will scrub every inch of you, probably harder than is necessary, because it will feel good. Then we will hold our daughter and let her comfort us. Then we will come back to bed to hide and to cry. We will turn on the television and let it play even though we won't really be paying any attention to it. We'll eat ice cream and we'll go outside and feel the sun on our faces, because that is what you need."
"No sunlight." Thor says. Loki sees the rain drops dripping down the window glass. The forecast for New York City for the rest of the summer: Gloomy and rainy every day for the foreseeable future.
"The sun will shine again, but not yet." Loki says. He gently presses Thor's arm, bidding him to rise. They get up and go to the bathroom. Loki knows the horror that is about to hit Thor's psyche.
"The first bowel movement was the worst. The way your cock split me open, I feared I'd die of internal hemorrhaging. In a strange way I hoped it would kill me. I wanted to die in those days." Loki looks at Thor and sees the tears have already started.
"I'll get you the softest washcloth I can find. You've endure worse physical pain before than this, but that is not what this is about. I will not leave you alone in here though." Loki opens up the linen closet and pulls out a fresh new white Egyptian cotton terry cloth washcloth and he hands it to Thor.
Loki starts a bath as Thor stands there dumb and numb. The water fills the tub quickly enough and Loki reaches down to turn off the faucet. The sound of running water gives Thor the urge to urinate. He steps to the toilet and to relieve himself. It is as he is urinating that he feels the ghost sensation of the electric shocks he felt from the night before. His overly sensitive prostate twitches with an unwanted pleasure that makes Thor sick to his stomach. His cock starts to harden and his urine stream stops to a trickle. He can't pee. A small whimper escapes Thor's mouth as panic sets in. He doesn't have control of his own body and it scares him.
"You're going to have malfunctions down below for a few days. It's normal. If you find it easier to urinate while you're in the bath, you can do that. We can always change out the water."
Thor doesn't nod. He doesn't seem to acknowledge the statement at all. His eyes go dead and distant.
"I'm going to help you into the bath." Loki says. "You need to remove your pants." Thor hooks his thumbs into his pants and they slide down his legs in a shiny display of red satin. Thor steps into the warm steamy water and slowly lowers in. The searing stabbing pain that blasts through his anus forces yet another whimper and a tear free.
Loki kneels down beside the tub and grabs the washcloth and the soap, lathering it into a nice rich foam.
"You'll need to do this part yourself. No one else can." Loki says.
Thor takes the soapy cloth into his palm and rubs his forearm with it in a mechanical fashion. He moves up the arm and then to his chest before starting down the other arm. He scrubs his face, he scrubs his legs, and he scrubs his feet. Last of all are his private. The soap doesn't really stay in the cloth since his hips are below the water line, but that doesn't really matter. The bath water is white and cloudy with soapy discharge. It is the act of running the soft item over his cock, testicles, and rear entrance that is cleansing. He is reintroducing that area to the feeling of a gentle touch. Thor winces again from the sting and finishes up. He washes his hair and stands to rinse off with fresh water one last time before exiting the bath. He watches as his shame swirls slowly down the drain.
"I'm tired." Thor mutters.
"We only got a few hours of sleep last night. A nap is very reasonable. Let's go back to bed."
XxXxXxXx
Thor and Loki hear their bedroom door creek open, followed by the sound of tiny little feet padding to their bed. There is a distinct tug on the comforter as their daughter climbs the mattress mountain to take up residence between them. Her little toddler body wedges in between Thor and Loki. Clint stands at the door peeking into the room.
"Daddy." She whispers and snuggles up to his chest. Thor and Loki both stir from all the movement and sound.
"Hi darling girl. Were you a good girl for grandma last night?"
"Yes Mommy! I love grandma! Grandma woke me up and played with me."
"She woke you up did she?" Loki chuckles. Of course Frigga did. She didn't want to pass up her one and only chance to play with her granddaughter. Thor's great arm encircles his little girl and pulls her in for a mighty bear hug.
"Did you tell grandma you love her?"
"Yes Daddy. Daddy, why are you sad?" She asks.
"Daddy has an owie. Can you make it better?"
"Yes Daddy. I give you hugs and kisses." Her little chubby arms snake around Thor's neck to squeeze. Thor's breath quickens and he begins to panic.
"Valeria darling, don't choke Daddy." Loki grabs her arms and pulls her away.
"Hey munchkin. Mommy and Daddy both have tummy aches. They are going to stay in bed all day today. You wanna come with me and go ride horseys?"
"Horseys!" She squeals and bounces off the bed into Clint's arms.
"You be a good girl for Uncle Clint and do what he tells you." Loki says.
"Okay Mommy!" She says. Clint shuts the door behind him and they are alone again.
"Good morning again." Loki says.
"Good morning."
"How do you feel?"
"Like I can never show my face to my friends ever again. They all know what happened to me." Thor says.
"I understand. They'll look at you with pity, if they look at you at all. I still haven't figured out which is worse: no one knowing, or everyone knowing. With me the shame was private for a very long time, but it also meant that I had no one to talk to. Here everyone knows, but that doesn't mean they want to talk about it either."
"I've never felt so powerless in my life, not even when I was mortal." Thor says.
"I have, before the rape. I felt powerless all the time. Even before the coronation I felt ignored and without a voice of my own."
"I valued your opinion very much Loki."
"I know you did. You were one of the few, but even you only listened to a point. A fact I exploited when I manipulated you into marching on Jotunnheim that day to seek vengeance."
"I was such a child. I redeemed myself only for a short while it would seem. That child still abides in me. It has been living just beneath the surface for a long time and you coaxed it out."
"We're both guilty on that front." Loki says. They lay there staring at one another in silence, both searching for words to say.
"I don't want to leave this room today. I don't want the others to see me." Thor says.
"Do you think they will think less of you?"
"I know they do. What kind of god is shackled and molested by mortals? How can I call myself a warrior?"
"You are a warrior Thor. That has not changed. You've never suffered defeat at the hands of an enemy before. You've never been captured before, not like this at least. In fact your greatest defeat was the one you inflicted upon yourself on Jotunnheim that day, when Odin banished you and made you mortal."
"This is my greatest defeat."
"Sometimes when you lose, you win." Loki says. Thor furrows his brow at Loki, not understanding his statement.
"You are always at your most arrogant when you constantly win. It makes losing all the more devastating for you. You feel so invincible you forget what you are really risking every time you step out there with Mjolnir in your hand."
"In my youth I called to war. My brief time as a mortal opened my eyes, but I still could not see you Loki. I thought all that motivated you was blind ambition."
"For a little while there it was. I wanted to protect Asgard from your arrogant reign. I knew it would only be a matter of time before you led us down that path. Your banishment went perfectly. What I didn't predict was the truth about my own nature. Odin falling into the Odinsleep was a bonus I did not expect, and when the temple priest put his staff in my hands I felt free of your shadow for the first time in my life. I didn't want to give that up, but the new shadow of my Jotunn body loomed as a new threat. I tried to get rid of it, and get my vengeance at Laufey for throwing me away like refuse."
"Is that why you lied to me and told me father was dead?"
"Yes."
"Is that why you attacked my friends as well?"
"Yes, and I'm glad you recognize that they were your friends and not mine." Loki says.
"It wasn't so bad. Fandral genuinely liked you." Thor says.
"He was also the first to throw out the ergi barbs at me."
"He only meant it in jest Loki. He didn't know how deeply the insults affected you. He always spoke up for you when the others spoke about you behind your back."
"I knew it. Volstagg has always been openly distrustful of magic wielders and Hogun…I could never get a clear read on him since he spoke so little. But I always felt an air of disapproval rolling off of him. Then there's Sif. I never understood why she hated me so much. It wasn't just the hair. She's not vain enough to carry a grudge for that long. She's been in love for you all these years. I wonder…if she saw something in either of us that we did not see in each other?"
"You mean the mutual desire?" Thor asks.
"Yes."
"It would explain a lot. She was always jealous of any time you and I spent alone together."
"I had thought that, at the time, I would enjoy my short tenure as King of Asgard while Odin slept, winning his praise and ultimately succeeding him, and then I could bring you back. I could bring you home and have you there safe with me, wiser and eager to rule at my side. As King I could have married anyone I wanted. It's why I couldn't bring myself to kill you with the Destroyer. But I didn't anticipate you getting Mjolnir back and coming back to Asgard and everything that followed."
"Why send the Destroyer at all?"
"Your friends defied me. I was their rightful King and they defied me. They came down to Midgard to ruin everything. I shouldn't have sent the Destroyer. They had no plan other than to fetch you, but you hadn't regained Mjolnir yet. You still had no standing. You still had not learned your lesson. That mortal woman that affected your heart so greatly…I wanted her to die too."
"Why do you hate Jane so much Loki?"
"Because she got to play the role of your savior, when it was I that saved you from yourself. In time I knew you would see the good I had done on your behalf, but that bitch swooped in and took all the glory and your heart and I was just the villain. I was the ambitious conniving jealous brother that betrayed you purely for selfish gain, not the one that loved you enough to see to your long term needs. She got to be the hero, not me." Loki says. There is no heat to his words, only sorrow.
"May I hold you?" Thor asks. Loki takes a deep breath, and nods. He scoots closer to Thor and rests his head on Thor's chest, listening to his heartbeat. Thor gently rests his hand on Loki's shoulder and arm. They lay there in silence, staring at the ceiling.