Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.

Recap of last chapter:

Edward feels he is sufficiently fucking up Bella's life so he decides the best thing to do is break up with her. I know, what an idiot!

Hokay guys, sorry it took me like a week to post this but I wasn't near a computer all week. So I am uber sorry and please forgive me. But of course you won't because this chapter isn't exactly happily ever after... *Sigh* Why must love be so difficult?

Oookay, enough of my ranting! Enjoy!

BPOV

Death had never seemed more enticing. My life was in absolute ruins and my heart was nonexistent. There was only a large, gaping hole where it used to be. Edward had taken my soul and I wasn't going to get it back. I knew that hadn't been his intention, he wanted to leave me in one piece, but when your whole world turns on you, it doesn't really leave you complete.

Weeks. It had been weeks of the same wallowing. I had grown pale and everything about me was unkempt. I didn't eat, I didn't talk, I didn't sleep, and I certainly didn't feel. It was just easier to get through the day in a state of complete numbness. I still did my homework to keep Charlie happy, but that was about it.

I didn't do anything anymore. I didn't see Edward anymore. He had switched out of Biology class and avoided me at all costs. He probably thought that would help with the whole forgetting him part, but it just made me more depressed that I couldn't even get glimpses of him in school.

Alice and Rosalie tried to help me out, keeping me busy on weekends with sleepovers and makeovers which didn't help much. It was either the agony over Edward or the agony of having makeup applied to my face and suffocating to the toxic fumes of nail polish.

The only brief times I smiled were with Jacob. During my breaks at physical therapy, he would keep me company and try and draw me out my sad stupor.

To sum things up accurately was to say my life was unbearable. Edward had broken my heart but I, in no way, held it against him. If he were to show up randomly one day, I wouldn't hesitate one bit to take him back or beg him to stay. The love I felt for him wasn't going to fade. Ever.

The times that were the worst, though, were probably when I thought of exactly what Edward had said to me,

Bella, I can't stay. I can't take care of you forever. I can't hold you back and I'm not letting you move forward…Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened that night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. You're not good for me.

And it just kept echoing in my head. Had he felt nothing over the past year? Had he been lying the whole time? Pretending? This was what caused me to cry the worst. My naivety for believing that he had truly and wholly loved me.

So the days passed dreadfully slowly. Every moment amplifying the ache where my heart used to be.

EPOV

Avoiding Bella was next to impossible. I had switched out of Biology because I knew that wouldn't work out, I would fold to the temptation. But the uncontrollable urge just to get a glimpse of her, to make sure she was okay, I couldn't fight. So of course she never knew, but I would take frequent "bathroom breaks" during school and stroll by her various classrooms to see her.

Needless to say, she looked fucking awful. I probably wasn't much better because I hadn't shaved in days and I hadn't ever attempted to tame my unruly hair, but she was an ungodly shade of pale, with dark circles under her eyes, and her face looked sallower. She was in desperate need of sleep and food which I assumed, like me, she hadn't gotten since I broke us off.

Why was life so fucking hard? I had broken up with her to make her better, healthier, and all it looked like I had done was bring her down even more. Her current appearance reminded me of when she was in the hospital, fighting for her life, once again because of me.

I had only wanted to love Bella unconditionally. Was that too much to ask? Apparently, it was, because all I ever did was end up causing her pain. Blow upon blow of inexcusable behavior, so I ended it. I ended it to give her the chance to find someone better, more worthy. But by the looks of it, I had just hurt her once more, far worse than any time before. I didn't know what was wrong and what was right anymore. My heart was telling me to reconcile things and beg for Bella's forgiveness to take me back, but my brain was trying to be all rational and shit and telling me to stay the fuck away. I needed help. Now.

So I just fucking left. I didn't bother going back to class to get my bag because I had my keys on me. I walked out to my car, slipped into the plush leather seats which I had always found comforting, but since Bella had lost their affect, and drove off. I knew who I would visit. I would visit him.

BPOV

I needed to see him. Edward. The mentioning of his name made my movements that much more urgent, like a summons to get out of class. I told Mr. Banner I was going to the bathroom, that was a lie. I was going to go by room C376, Edward's English class. I was going to flail my arms wildly if that's what it took for him to look at me and acknowledge me again.

Once I got close to the room, I took a deep breath, swallowing all fear and embarrassment that would surely result from my desperate display of insanity. And as I rolled up to the glass window that took up most of the wooden door, I noticed Edward's seat was empty. His bag was there, but he wasn't. And I could barely hold the tears back till I wheeled round the corner into the girls' bathroom.

The disappointment crashed down upon me, crushing me completely, keeping the air I so desperately needed from reaching my lungs. I was more than devastated, I was broken.

And I just let myself crumble right there. I couldn't care less who walked through the door to see me in my moment of greatest weakness. I kept crying hard for twenty minutes, thankful for no interruptions, balled up a little paper towel and dabbed my eyes to hide the evidence of my misery, and returned to class. Mr. Banner gave me a questioning look which he quickly retracted quickly because the anguish must have been evident on my face. Did I really look that bad?

EPOV

I hadn't been there for years. Six years to be exact. I hadn't once stepped on this fertile soil and green, lively grass, lightly swaying in the breeze, since that horrific day. It was almost worse than the day he died because I had to see his body be locked up forever and put six feet under, confining him to a prison of dirt. I needed closure and burying him so soon hadn't allowed me that.

That's why I never came. It wasn't because of all the anger I harbored towards my dad, because I still loved him, despite all that. It was the unbearable pain, the loss of someone you loved, the finality of death, the sudden ending, I wasn't prepared for. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to be a kid. Picking Esme up off the floor, too weak to stand and shaking uncontrollably from crying, it ruined me. The pain was too much that I just cut myself off completely from who I used to be and left this emotionless Edward in his wake.

So I decided to sit right in front of his fucking tombstone. I situated myself, cross-legged, with my eyes staring right at the stone's grave letters. (A/N No pun intended!)

Carlisle Cullen.

I would resolve this now. Right now. He had taken up way too much of my life and heart. He still had a strong hold on me even from six feet under and I couldn't allow that anymore. I needed to move past this so I could get better. So I could one day shape up to be a man who could actually deserve someone as good as Bella.

I knew I had fucked over any chance of Bella and me ever again, but it didn't mean I couldn't strive for something better. I'd never go after another girl, but for Esme, it was the least I could do, become someone for her.

And because there was no one around, I decided I would just fucking talk out loud, so Carlisle could hear me from wherever the hell he was, no pun intended.

"Carlisle," I said with a stern voice, but then I stopped. I thought I was going to rant on and on how he had fucked me over and hurt Esme but I broke down. I started crying. And I didn't even bother to wipe the tears from my face, I just let gravity do its thing and let them fall onto my jeans, to the earth beneath me.

Instead of yelling at him, I decided I would just talk to him. Have a normal conversation, father with son, about my life. About all the shit he had missed while being dead.

"I'm not sure Carlisle… dad, if you've been watching all these years but if not, I can accurately describe my life in a couple sentences. That is, until I met Bella. Then it got infinitely more complicated. But before her, I was basically an asshole. I missed you so much, I still miss you…"

And I could barely catch my breath I was crying so hard, but I willed myself to keep going. I needed to get all this off my chest, I needed to talk to my dad.

"So I shut myself up. I figured it was easier to be an ass that actually feel. To use people rather than care. I smoked all the time to keep myself strung out, away from all my troubles and the past that always haunted me. But Bella, she changed all that. She broke through the fucker I was to the Edward she knew I could be. She had faith in me, she saw something, and she fucking loved me. I wanted to love her, giver her everything. Hell, I did love her. But I ended up screwing her over for life. I took what I didn't deserve and now I can't fix it, I can't take it back. But she made me realize something, Carlisle. Because although I don't know what's going to happen between us, she showed me how to love. She showed me acceptance. But most of all, she showed me I still love you, dad. Sure I'm angry and pissed at some things, the biggest of which you left mom and me too fucking soon, but I still love you. And I needed to tell you that. I needed to say it out loud, to tell myself. And now I just don't know what the fuck to do. I love her, dad. I truly and sincerely do. I know I need her, can't live without her, and she's the only fucking person ever for me, but I'm not sure how she feels. She could do so much better… she deserves better. Please, dad, just tell me what I should do. If you can hear me, help me. Because if it were Esme, you would do anything to get her back, right? Treat her like fucking royalty and kiss her feet till the day she died? I'm asking you to help me dad, please."

And I cupped my face in my hands, I was so hopeless and stupid. What the fuck was I even thinking anyway? Like Carlisle could hear me. And I vaguely felt the wind blow through my clothes, sending a shiver through me from the light nipping of the cold. I then felt something lightly graze my hand, leaving behind an itch it its wake. When I opened my eyes to see what it was, I gasped.


Hmmmmm.... I wonder what that could be? I will try and post as soon as possible. Reviews are great... just like when Edward isn't being stupid and is with Bella....

and woah, 250 reviews.... i am ecstatic. no wait.......... I AM ECSTATIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I think that conveyed it better)