Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.

Okay guys, I am SO SORRY I haven't updated in a while. I just have a lot on my mind and someone took my writing journal and shit happens. Ugh. Anyway... recap of last time:

Bella is totally going after Jacob to replace Edward. How nice. NOT.

BPOV

I was laughing.

And it felt so damn good. We were sharing embarrassing stories around the bonfire at La Push Beach and Jacob was holding my hand. My hands were still sticky though, from the s'mores. Even though ice cream was my favorite, marshmallows were still pretty good. After we had maxed out all our stories, someone pulled out their boom box and put in a cd.

Oh no. Dancing.

Jacob tried to pull me up to my feet, no avail may I add, because there was no way I was going to shuffle my feet around and trip and epically embarrass myself. No way.

"Oh come on, Bella, I promise I won't let you fall."

Boy, was Jacob tricky. There was a double meaning in his words. He wouldn't let me fall flat on my face, and he wouldn't rip my heart out and let the crows pick at it. Like Edward…

This was more than dancing. He would literally be keeping me standing, supporting me, not to mention my body would be completely pressed up against his. Hmm…. that didn't sound too bad. And if I wanted to move on, I'd have to take a couple risks, it was the only way I could find out if there would be any rewards.

So I stuck out one arm for Jacob to pull me up, with a stubborn look on my face to be playful, and I was pulled up.

Jacob held me by my hips, with my arms around his neck, and he whispered into my ear:

"Now never let go."

And I couldn't help the slight gasp that escaped my parted lips because the complete truth in his words still rang clearly in my ears.

But I couldn't get over the fact that Jacob's arms were too long for him to comfortably hold me and I had to strain a little to attach my hands behind his neck. I wanted us so badly to fit, but that wasn't a realistic wish.

The song "Just Dance" came on and everyone had gotten really into the dancing, all of Jacob's friends completely absorbed with their significant others, and everyone was becoming a little more… physical.

Just the thought made me furiously blush. After all, Edward had been my first boyfriend and I definitely didn't feel as comfortable with Jacob yet to be shoving all my goods into him, not that it was really possible considering my condition. But would I ever feel that same comfort, safe feeling again that Edward had so effortlessly provided?

I couldn't expect everything with Jacob so maybe I just had to take some leaps of faith with him and hope I made the right choice.

And fuck, I needed to get over Edward. Fast. So I put on a determined face, tightened my grip behind Jacob's neck, and pulled him close.

And I didn't ever give him a lot of time to comprehend what was happening before my lips crashed into his, attacking him with a vengeance, because this was payback at Edward. And I felt bad for using Jacob, but he'd be able to take it.

And I'm sure Jacob's friends thought I was just a little slut on wheels because I was thoroughly sucking his face off. But I couldn't care less at the moment.

As the kiss became more heated, Jacob's excitement became clearly evident to me and he whispered huskily in my ear:

"I'm thinking, Billy's not home and you don't have to leave for another hour. So –"

And I just cut him off right there. Jacob needed no further encouragement because he simply picked me up and cradled me and walked towards his house. Despite all the questions and nervousness running through my head, I was a little excited. I was going to lose my virginity, and Jacob was the prime candidate.

Once we finally got inside his bedroom, Jacob gently laid me down on the bed and I pulled myself up to the head. Jacob just crawled up in pursuit and attacked my lips. And somehow, because his hands were just so fast, he had already found his way to the hem of my shirt, pulling it off. I broke contact with his lips so he could pry it off. Once my shirt was out of the equation, I thought it only fair to start working on his. As I unbuttoned the buttons, I kissed his chest, sweet, short kisses with fervor and I heard him hum in satisfaction.

Jacob then shrugged off his shirt and while kissing me intensely moved his hands up my body to the wire of my bra, his fingers playing with the edge, not daring yet to cross. Then, without warning, one hand slipped underneath and began massaging my breasts.

And I couldn't help thinking that Jacob's touch had no effect compared to Edward's. When Edward had touched me, my body ached for more, it had a mind of its own. With Jacob, everything felt forced and rough and made the pit of my stomach uneasy.

I was then surprised to find out that while I had been mildly spacing out, Jacob had successfully removed my bra and was doing a real number on my breasts.

And I felt nothing.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. What was I doing? Jacob was sweet, he didn't deserve this, and I sure as hell wasn't getting anything out of it. And I felt bad that it would have to end this way for Jacob and me, because he really was a nice guy, but once I left, I would never come back. But I couldn't do this now, there was only one person whose touch my body would react to and he had been blacklisted, he no longer existed.

Fuck. I needed to breathe. I needed to think. I needed to clear my head and stop being such a pussy and avoiding Edward.

So between breathless pants I managed to get out:

"Stop."

"What?" confusing written all over Jacob's face.

"I, I can't do this."

"What?"

"Just get off me Jacob."

Jacob was definitely confused but thankfully, he complied.

"Could you please hand me my shirt and bra?"

"Sure, Bella. But, what's wrong? Did I do something?"

"I'm sorry Jacob, but I'm not ready for this. I need to go now."

"Well, at least let me help you – "

"No, it's alright. I can do it."

And somehow I managed to drag myself off the bed and into my wheelchair.

And without looking back, I hauled my ass out of Jacob Black's house and Jacob Black's life, because I didn't belong there.

Once I got to the car, I was torn. I needed to think and if I went home, Charlie would bombard me with questions. I needed somewhere quiet, peaceful.

The spot.

Before now, I had never understood when Edward talked about the spot with reverence but right now, I felt as if it were exactly what I needed.

And once I got to the school's parking lot, I tried to think of how I was going to get to the spot trying to wheel myself across the uneven trail. It wouldn't be easy, but I was in a determined mood, so I couldn't really care.

After a half fucking hour, completely out of breath, arms burning, and a light film of sweat forming on my forehead, I finally got there. I realized, sitting on my wheelchair, this wouldn't be enough. No, I wanted to be lying on the ground. I wanted to feel the earth, I wanted to, for one second, forget all the shit I was in. So I basically flung myself out of my chair, which I'm sure I would regret doing later, and did a face plant onto the ground. I rolled myself over and closed my eyes because there was nothing to look up at in the overcast, cloudy sky of Forks.

I spread all my extremities, as wide as I could, using my arms to move my legs, so that I vaguely resembled a snow angel and began reflecting on the past year.

Fucking roller coaster. I had started he year eager for an end, getting out of this town and forgetting about the stupid reputation I was trying to uphold. Then I was informed I had to tutor. Which just made me into a crabby bitch because I really didn't feel like helping anybody.

But they gave me Edward. Beautiful, perfect Edward. Yeah, he skipped school, yeah, he smoked pot, and yeah, I totally fell for him. All the stupid shit he did didn't even matter to me. He had saved me, twice. I was thankful, I was in love, and I was upset. I was upset because he had finally admitted what I'd known all along, I wasn't good enough for him. I hadn't really deserved his love but I took it anyway, and by some miracle, he felt the same. And when you're in love, not even Fuckward can phase you. Sure, he wasn't the most law-abiding citizen or the warmest stranger, but he was Edward. Nothing more, nothing less. For better or for worse.

And everything I did, I thought about, or said to myself led me back to the same conclusion: I loved Edward Cullen. So what was I doing moping around? He had told the whole school he loved me, why couldn't I believe it?

"Bella?"

Ah, yes, Edward's sweet voice. It's all I ever dreamed about. I hadn't realized I was so tried and was dozing off in the middle of the field. But when I opened my eyes to get up and leave, I gasped.

EPOV

So I needed a smoke. And I needed the comfort of my spot. So I decided to go smoke at my spot.

I got to the school parking lot and Bella's car was there. Okay? Maybe she came by to pick up something from school? Maybe I'd see her… But, then again, she hated my guts so it'd be better if I just avoided her. So I walked out to the spot, slowly, taking in all the nature completely surrounding me, and the weird wheel marks on the path.

And when the clearing came into view, I saw Bella there, lying on her back, in the middle, eyes closed. And my heart skipped a beat. Oh no, I couldn't lose her again, I wouldn't fucking survive.

But her moving lips reassured me, she was talking to herself. I couldn't help but grin knowing she was insane. And I loved her to death for it.

But what was she doing here? Alone? And how'd she get here? I didn't see anyone around… the wheel marks, which meant she pushed herself. Yup, she was definitely crazy.

I didn't want to scare her, so I decided I would alert her of my presence before I got within a five feet radius.

"Bella?"

And her lips twitched, as if she were having a happy thought, and her eyes fluttered open. When her eyes caught sight of me, she suddenly jerked and said:

"Edward? What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing…"

"You first."

"I came here for a smoke…" and I saw the hurt come over Bella's face and her eyes became glassy.

"A cigarette, Bella. Nothing more."

"Oh."

"And you?" because I was truly curious as to why she was here.

"I needed to think."

"Oh."

And I pulled my pack of Marlborough's out of my jacket pocket, along with my lighter, and as courtesy, offered Bella one:

"Cigarette?"

Her face became thoughtful for a moment, and she answered,

"Yes."

"You know, they're bad for you…"

"I'm not the one who normally smokes them."

"Touché."

And I handed Bella a cigarette as she sat herself up and lit it with the flick of my lighter. Now, don't get me wrong, I was no fan of giving my Bella bad shit, but something told me she could really use one so I didn't refuse.

And after I took one long puff of my own cigarette, I said:

"So, Alice and Rosalie tell me you've hit it off with Jacob…"

And Bella softly snorted at the comment and said:

"Yeah, that didn't really work out."

And secretly, as much as I wanted Bella's happiness, I was glad to hear her and Jacob didn't work out. I couldn't help it, I was a protective bastard and I deserved to go to hell. And I was jealous. But that didn't stop my heart from soaring.

What I wasn't prepared for, was the look Bella gave me when her eyes finally found mine and all her pent up emotions just channeled on through. We hadn't actually stared at each other yet and Bella had me frozen. I saw the hurt, the pain, the doubt. And I felt terrible.

"I'm so sorry Bella."

And because I was sitting down next to her, I reached out my hand to put on top of her resting one and I did a little happy dance inside when she didn't flinch or pull away.

"The thing is, Edward, I want to believe you. I want to trust you, but I don't know if I can anymore. I really believed you loved me, that is, until you told me the exact opposite. And I haven't recovered since. I miss you Edward, but I hate you too."

And Bella broke out into sobs, her body shaking violently from the burden, me.

And in a breathless whisper, I had to strain to hear, Bella said:

"And I still love you."

And I didn't even care if Bella didn't want the hug I had forced her into because I needed to show her I cared, that her confession meant a lot to me, and that I loved her too.

And it felt like we were going back to square one when I pulled myself away from Bella far enough to see her face and instead of wiping away the tears with my hand, I kissed them away, willed them away. And with that train of thought, I picked up the wrist she had broken and kissed that too. I needed to show Bella how much I cared for her and this was my only way of doing so. Words usually were my thing, but there was nothing I could say as all-encompassing as my kisses.

I lifted my eyes back to Bella's red and puffy ones, the pain I had caused her still evident on her face, and made sure I had her attention. Because when I said my next words, I needed Bella to see how sincere and honest they were. I needed her to see the 100% truth behind them.

"Bella, I've given you no reason to believe me, and I probably don't deserve your trust but…"

And Bella was looking at me wide-eyed, waiting for the words that would very likely be my undoing. So I said:

"Bella, I… I've never known anyone like you before," I spit out quickly because I chickened out. Ugh, I needed to have better resolve.

"You helped me through everything and put up with all my shit. You helped me when I was down and loved me when I didn't deserve it. And you still love me, and I know I've been an ass, I've been beyond terrible. What I've done, what I've said, it's inexcusable. I thought by leaving out, I was leaving you better off, but it was stupid. The reason you're in a wheelchair now, it's because of me. I hurt you and I couldn't stand to do it again. The only person I've ever put before myself is you, Bella. But of course, I'm a selfish creature, so I know you might not believe me now, but I'm not going to stop, I'm gonna keep trying to convince you no matter what it takes. I know it won't be easy, and I don't expect you to ever come back. I just hope that one day, you'll believe me. But even if you don't, it won't matter, because I'll always be here, waiting, till the end.

Because I love you."

BPOV

WHY? Why did I believe him? Why did my heart tell me that Edward meant what he said? My brain, my memory, and my experience all knew better, but I couldn't shake off that feeling of security that Edward's arms provided, that electricity that was always in the air around us, and the love that made my heart swell and ignore rational Bella.

I knew Edward was waiting for a response, all the while trying to gauge my reaction. Good, he didn't deserve to know what I was thinking. Although I had made up my mind, I decided to drag out the moment a bit, make Edward suffer a little more. So I sat there, face composed, staring off into space, leaving Edward on edge. I hope he wasn't holding his breath, because he would definitely pass out.

I closed my eyes, squished the cigarette, and lay back down. I felt Edward do the same next to me and I waited a few moments and opened my eyes, surprised to see the intensity of his stare. And I said:

"You know, I underestimated the spot. I didn't really understand what it meant to you, but now, I feel like I know. It's a good place just to clear your mind, and it's beautiful. The wildflowers and all… It's quiet and isolated so you don't have to bring the shit from the rest of the world in…"

I knew I hadn't answered Edward's plea just yet, but I was getting around to it.

"Edward, give me your hand."

And just like that, without a second thought, Edward laid his hand softly in my own. I picked it up and spread his fingers, I then proceeded to put his open hand on my chest, where my heart was.

"Do you hear it flying, Edward? That's what you do to me whenever you're around. It doesn't matter if I'm in the crappiest mood or am having the worst day, once I see you, my heart flies.

"I tried, really hard, to tame my heart, suppress it, from doing that when I saw you. Because in your absence, naturally, it only did the opposite. It was like I was dead, Edward, dead to the world. Because my personal world had ended. And I'm not trying to make you feel bad Edward, I just want you to realized how fragile my heart is, how breakable I am. Yeah, I try to be a tough cookie, but in reality, I'm mush without you. I realized, no matter what, even if you weren't the best for me, or I didn't deserve you, that there could be no one else. My heart, is, entirely yours Edward. Forever. So please, don't break it again."

I looked up into Edward's eyes that had glazed over and there was a new emotion burning there.

Determination.

"Bella, I promise, with every fiber in my body, to wholly and completely love you for eternity, and never to break your heart again."

And Edward's face got impossibly closer to mine, foreheads touching, so close to home…

And finally, after so long, we made it there. Our lips, our hearts, our souls, in completely unison, the way it should be.

i hope this was semi-long, for me at least it was... and I just wanted to say, I didn't really expect to end it in this chapter but things happen and there WILL be an epilogue because i still have a couple of things I'd like to address but yeah. This is it. I'd just like the thank all of you for all your awesome reviews and encouragment and woah, you made my first story on fanfiction really special and great. I will be writing other stories, but the next thing i have in mind has a wayyyy different theme. :) Feel free to review or if you'd like request maybe a little something in the epilogue, don't hesitate to ask but I can't promise anything. :)

PLus, 300 review for my first story... I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!! Really :)