TRIGGER WARNINGS: None.
"Hey, what's got you so down? You're about as lively as my grandma." Zoro says, wondering why Luffy's zipped his mouth closed and looked like he's been in deep thought for an hour.
"Your grandma is dead." Nami brings up, confusion written across her face and Zoro looks at her like she's missed the punch line.
"My point exactly." Zoro says, and it's a god awful comparison, but it gets the message across.
"Nothing!" Luffy says, quick to put a cheery face on for his friends because even he doesn't know what's wrong. There's no point in bringing it up when he doesn't know all the facts.
"You're such a liar, you look beyond annoyed. Pissed even." The three of them head out of their class that had ended early, much to their enjoyment.
"I'm not pissed, Zoro!" Luffy says back, because he isn't. Or at least, he's not trying to be.
"Well something's bugging you. I've known you for a while, you never look the way you do now unless there's a reason." Zoro says, pointing his index finger in Luffy's face, only to have it swatted away while Nami laughs at their bickering in the back.
"What do I look like now?" Luffy asks, because he's curious to know what Zoro see's, why he's so damn easy to read.
"Like an ass-" Zoro begins, but is cut off by Nami slapping a hand over his mouth and pulling him back.
"Zoro! He just means you look upset, Luffy." She says, and gives him a saddened look, like she's worried. Luffy purses his lips in return.
"You can tell us you know, we're not going to judge you or anything-" Zoro starts up again after prying his girlfriends hand off his mouth, only to have himself cut off once more, this time by Luffy.
"I know you won't! I- well, you remember Law?"
"Tall, dark, n' handsome? Kind of mysterious?" Zoro lists off, and Nami side eyes him.
"Is there something you wanna tell me Zoro?" She asks sarcastically, squints her eyes and Zoro scoffs at the question. Grabs her hand and intertwines their fingers together. Like no way in hell, baby. I'm yours.
"Yeah him, anyway I think he's ignoring me you know? Well of course you didn't know, never mind. I don't know why though! I didn't do or say anything wrong- at least I don't think I did?" Luffy says in a single breath, gaining a questioning look from Nami, who obviously has no idea what he's talking about considering she's got no clue who this Law guy is. And Zoro hums, but it looks to Luffy like he's busy thinking about a burger, which does sound nice, but that's not the main focus here.
Though it would be nice if it were.
"You're probably just overreacting. The guy's got a life to live outside you, you know?" Zoro says, and Luffy knows he really doesn't. But doesn't comment on it, though it's a pain in the ass to hold back. Just hums.
"You remember that time you thought Usopp hated you because he didn't come to class? And then it ended up being he was just super sick, like puke everywhere sick?" Zoro says, suggesting that it could be the same kind of situation. That he's just sick, maybe sleeping or at the doctors.
"No, I'm serious this time!" Luffy tells him.
"Why would you think he's ignoring you?" Nami asks, being a little bit more sincere about the question at hand than Zoro.
"I have no idea but he's never home, at least not when I go over and he won't answer his phone whenever I call!" Luffy says as the trio walks across campus, occasionally having to move out of the way for people who refuse to do the same. Thinks about the one worded text he got the day before. Thinks he must have meant to say something else but sent it too early.
"Maybe he's out? Or he could have broke his phone." Zoro suggests, trying to find a logical answer for Luffy to be satisfied with to quit his nagging.
"It rings though!" Luffy tells him and it's okay, Zoro's got an answer for it.
"Broken screen?" He says, and Luffy punches him in the shoulder, not too hard. But hard enough.
"Oi!" Zoro whines and gets ready to hit back, because he's a child. But Nami intervenes, suggesting Law could be out of the city. Or on a trip, maybe visiting a friend. All to which Luffy very well knows the answer to, just shakes his head in response. He'd never go without telling him. Right?
"Just relax. You're overthinking it." Zoro tells him, and maybe he's right. He just want's Law to be safe and sound. Prays that he is.
"I don't think so."
"Maybe he just wants some time to himself. Don't be clingy!" Nami teases and it's nice she can lighten up the mood with her sarcasm but he knows that alone time for Law is probably a very bad thing.
"Maybe." He'll agree anyways, because it's not his business to tell. Keeps his mouth shut through all the possible reasons behind Law's silence to himself.
After Luffy goes his separate ways from his friends, he walks down the street where he'd first met Law. The weirdest, and not to mention craziest first meeting ever. He strolls down, music blasting in his ears but it's driving him a bit crazy. So he takes out his headphones, shoves them in his pocket and sighs. The cold air making his breath look like smoke in the air. He walks past Law's building, the way he always does. And he's been there twice today, but shit. What's another try anyways?
Takes the elevator up to the twelfth floor and walks towards his door. Stands in front and knocks. And knocks, and knocks again. He gets nothing. Thinks maybe he is just overreacting. And as much as he hates to leave, he does. Because it's obvious no ones going to answer, even if he is home. He doesn't get why he's being ignored and it hurts, but he leaves.
He tries again the next day. Runs through the front doors and past the elevator. Runs up the stairs, leaving behind all other eleven floors until he reaches the twelfth. And there's no one in the hall, but a tall lanky looking man who seems way too conveniently placed before Law's door. So he shouts out, because who the hell is that asshole trying to get into Law's apartment?
"HEY!" He shouts again, the man turning to face him and he recognizes him as Rocinante. And finally, there's someone who knows Law. He smiles, in hopes he's going in to surprise Law, wants to join in on the fun.
"Ah, it's you. Luffy." Rocinante says, and his face looks even more dead by the time Luffy finally approaches him, peeks through the half opened door and there's nothing but black. He thinks it's a great plan; sneak a prank while Law's asleep.
"Hey! Wha- what's wrong?" He asks instead of his initial question, which was 'how are we gonna get Law?' and Rocinante's eyes widen, hands go up to his face and rub hard. Luffy's not that clueless, he knows the look of someone who's been crying.
"Roci?" He says, because Rocinante looks like he's in a daze. Out of it. Not really there.
"Oh, sorry. Kinda spaced out there huh?" He says, puts on a smile for Luffy but he doesn't buy it. Who would?
"What's wrong?" He repeats. And it's strange he's not really inviting him in, or shooing him away. The two of them are just standing in the middle of the empty hallway. Rocinante doesn't say anything, just clears his throat but makes his way into Law's apartment, Luffy following behind and continuously nagging, asking what's wrong and what's going on, why he's not replying.
"Just wait out here a sec, okay? I'll be right back." Rocinante says, pointing to the couch and Luffy nods, watching the older man walk into Law's room. He sits down, tries to make himself comfortable the way he normally would but Rocinante's put him in this awkward mood, one he finds uncomfortable as hell.
And he fidgets around with the arm rest of the couch, looks around the place for a couple of minutes before Rocinante walks out with a couple of bags in hand.
"What's that?"
"Stuff, clothes." He says, puts them down by the couch then sits next to Luffy. Serious expression written all over his face and Luffy asks where Law is, because it feels weird, to be in his apartment without him. Though that's how it was before, but Law was in the shower, so it doesn't exactly count as the same situation.
Rocinante sighs, looks down and rubs his face again, like he's trying to wipe away tears but there's nothing there.
"He's at the hospital." Rocinante says, in a low voice, and Luffy's eyes squint before going wide.
"What?! WHY?!" He shouts and Rocinante sighs again, enough with the sighing he just wants answers.
"WHY IS HE IN THE HOSPITAL?!" Luffy shouts again. He doesn't take sighs over answers.
"You're aware of his ah... situation, yeah?" Luffy looks confused for a second, but yeah, he is. He knows, so he nods frantically, eager for Rocinante to go on because fuck this all is going too slow for him.
"Right. And you've experienced first hand, him trying to take his own life-"
"THATS WHAT HE DID?!" Luffy shouts and stands up, ready to go. But he doesn't know where the hell Law is; there are a couple of hospitals in the city. He'll try each and every one unless Rocinante keeps talking.
"Yeah. I don't know why, I think it's just the timing. The date-"
"What about it?!"
"His family, parents and younger sister, passed away around this time of year. I'm only guessing that's the reason. I don't really know why." Rocinante says, and Luffy's enraged. Want's to find the son of a bitch who did that to him and make him pay in every single excruciating way possible. But Rocinante manages to bring him back to earth, puts a hand on his knee to get him to stop shaking.
"Look, I know you care for him. He's told me countless times what you've done for him. You gotta know this isn't easy for him, and I can't imagine it being easy for you either."
"I- why didn't he tell me?!" Luffy shouts, but he's not really asking Rocinante. More asking himself, asking the imaginary Law in front of him that should be at home, watching his shitty murder shows and yelling at the stupid girl who's walking around alone at three in the morning. And he's holding back his own tears, trying to get out of Rocinante's grasp so he can go to Law. To be with Law.
"I don't know kiddo, I wish I knew. I wish he'd come to me too, but the fact is he didn't. I got to him in time and it kills me to think that if I were even a minute, a second later it could be too late." He says, and Luffy doesn't want to think about it. He doesn't want to imagine it.
"He's okay? He's really okay?" Luffy asks. He's happy if he's okay, he'll be okay. They'll be okay.
"I wouldn't say okay. He woke up once, found out he was alive and well, they had to sedate him. That's why I came back, to get some clothes for him-"
"He's coming home?" Luffy says, hopeful. But when Rocinante's facial expression somehow goes even worse than it was, Luffy doesn't understand. Why? Why isn't Law coming home?
"No, kiddo. He's not coming home. They're sending him to an institute-"
"Law's not crazy! They can't send him there!" Luffy shouts and grabs Rocinante by the collar. He doesn't give a damn if he's being disrespectful. They can't take Law away.
"Luffy, no he's not crazy. But he needs help. And I can't imagine letting him come home only to try again and maybe even succeed." Rocinante says in a softer tone and Luffy doesn't want that either. But it's not fair.
"He won't! I'll watch over him- I... I'll be here!" Luffy frantically suggests every single thing that comes to mind, but Rocinante's shake of the head displeases him.
"He is getting help!" Luffy says, all in vain really. Because look where he ended up anyways. Rocinante doesn't reply just let's Luffy try to take it in. To understand.
"Why?" Luffy asks again and he feels like everything he'd tried to do just wasn't enough. He wasn't enough.
"Hey, hey. None of this is your fault. You did everything right, you were there for him as a friend." Rocinante says, praises him on being someone who Law confided in. Someone who Law trusted enough to open up to.
"I still am!" Luffy says, doesn't like the use of the word 'were'.
"Right. I'm glad he has someone like you in his life he can depend on-"
"But he didn't depend on me! He just, he tried to do it all alone! Why?! I don't understand!" Luffy says, and the tears in his eyes begin to well up again because, shit. He feels so crappy. So useless. Like he couldn't keep Law away from thinking the only solution was to take his own life.
"He's always been like that, Luffy. A lone wolf. There's no changing that. But now he has his pack, that'll be there for him." Rocinante says with a smile, and Luffy huffs in disbelief. He want's to punch him, to scream at him.
He hates that he did it. Hates that he tried.
Hates that he couldn't help, that he didn't notice he needed more help.
But Law's not broken. He's just cracked, needs some glue to keep him together. He'll be the glue. He'll be anything Law wants him to be.
As long as in return Law lives.
He has to live.
Fourteen hours ago
Law's been watched for the past twelve hours. For any signs of toxic effects from the drugs he'd taken. On heavy sedatives that have kept him unconscious, for the most part.
There's one hell of an annoying sound and it's all he can hear. Tries to swallow but his throat is so damn dry and sore, it feels like he hasn't had anything to drink in days. And that's not good. Not that his throats dry and sore, but that he can feel that his throat is dry and sore. Squeezes his eyes even though they're already shut. Can't believe this is actually fucking happening to him. Again.
Opens his eyes, bats them a couple times and takes in his surroundings. Looks Rocinante dead in the eyes.
"Hey buddy." Rocinante says, tries to smile and Law blinks a couple more times to make sure he's not just having a really bad fucking dream. Some initiation or final thought before death kind of thing.
"How are you feeling?" He hears the older man ask. Thinks there's no way this could be a dream because it feels way too fucking real. It's terrible. He feels terrible. Looks behind him to see a tall man, looks like a guard, standing by the door. Great, he thinks. They probably have him on watch. Terrific.
"Why?" He asks. Why is this happening to him? Why the fuck is he still here? Why the hell is he still alive? Rocinante doesn't answer him. Looks like he's taken aback by the question, like Law doesn't have the right to ask such a thing. So naturally, he asks again.
"WHY?!" He yells this time. His voice is scratch and it hurts like a bitch to get the word out. Rocinante's not able to say anything back, just stares him in the eyes while holding him down because he looks like he's about to jump him. Law's so fucking furious. Can't bring himself to wrap his mind around this. All these wires and tubes attached to him are the reason he's still alive. No, he assumes since Rocinante's the one with him that he's the reason he's still alive.
"THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!" Law yells and a nurse comes rushing in. He's not a danger, he's just angry. He has the right to be fucking angry. Not only did he fail once before thanks to Luffy, now he's failed again because of Rocinante. Why couldn't anyone just fucking let him die? Doesn't know why the guard looks like he's about to cuff him to the sides of his bed, he's not going to flee. He can barely move as it is with Rocinante practically lying on top of him.
"Law-" Rocinante tries to speak to him; all he manages to get out is his name. Sounds pained while doing so.
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" He yells again because he's sick of Rocinante not answering, the nurse tries to push him back down onto the bed as well. Tells him he needs to calm down otherwise they'll sedate him.
"Fuck you! And fuck you too!" He spits at both Rocinante, and the nurse. All the commotion grabs the attention of Law's doctor. He walks inside, mumbles something to the nurse and Law tries to fight him and Rocinante off. To get them off his back and let him fucking be. Let him do what he wants with his body, with his life.
"Get the fuck off me!" He yells at Rocinante, who's blocking his view of everyone else, trying to push his shoulders into the bed underneath him. He doesn't have the energy to fight him off, just keeps yelling through a sore throat for him to stop and leave him alone.
"Law, listen to me you have to calm down please-" Rocinante pleads, doesn't want to see Law like this. Doesn't really know what he expected anyways. Didn't think Law would wake up and be all smiley, full of sunshine, but he didn't think he'd be like this either.
"Shut the hell up! I don't have to fucking listen to you!" Law shouts back at him. Regrets ever texting Rocinante, otherwise he'd have gotten away with it. "All of this is your fault, it's all your fucking fault!" Law shouts again, feels a needle in his arm, and tries to swat the nurse away for fucking around with him like this. He's been awake less than ten minutes before he's being put under by whatever the fuck it is this bitch has just injected him with. Screams at her to take the fucking needle out of his arm before he flips the fuck out for real. The face the nurse makes screams shock that this isn't his for real freak out.
"You're such a fucking asshole, do you know that?!" He says to Rocinante, can't even push him off because his doctor has put restraints on his hands, strapped him to the bed.
"Law, I-" Rocinante starts, tries to explain. Law doesn't let him. Never wants to hear a single thing come out of his mouth again.
"GET OUT! GET HIM THE FUCK OUT! ALL OF YOU- GET THE FUCK OUT!" He screams as loud as his throat will let him. Pulls on his restraints that he can't break out of. The restraints, along with the needles all make Law feel like his nightmares are becoming a slow, but gradual reality. Feels like he's just been stabbed in the back and that he's dying all over again. Eyes feel droopy and the last thing he see's is Rocinante walking out of the room before he's asleep again.
Hopes it's for good this time, knows it's not.
Still, what's a little prayer?
Rocinante stands outside Law's room. Doesn't know what he did wrong, what he did to make Law want to die. Thinks back to every possible time he could have done or said something wrong. And he knows he's not the best with words or actions, so it could have been almost anything. Tries to think of what pushed Law over the edge. Hates himself for every thought that comes up.
He should have been better to him. Should have spent more time with him, took better care of him. He's always known how Law had it; he just never took into account just how bad it actually was. Tells himself he'll do better, he swears he will. If Law even wants to speak to him. Feels like he could punch something, or someone.
Doesn't deny that it's his fault. It probably is, he thinks. That he wasn't good enough to keep Law from worsening, to keep him from feeling like this was the only option he had left to do. Thinks he's so pathetic for not being able to give Law a single thing he needed.
Can't get the look Law had in his eyes out of his head. Like Law hates every fiber of his being. Doesn't want anything to do with him ever again. He sighs, rubs his face that feels gross. Dry and sticky at the same time, eyes burning from how much he's cried. Goes to the bathroom down the hall, splashes cold water on his face. Tries somehow to convince himself Law won't be like that when he wakes up again. But there's no telling.
As Rocinante makes his way to Law's room once again, now somewhat calmed down from earlier, the doctor approaches him. Asks him if he knows for sure whether or not what Law had done was intentional. He tells him yes, it most likely was. That it's not the first time he's tried to end his own life. The doctor says because of the outburst Law had, they have reason to want to check him into a psychiatric ward, where he'll get the help he needs. And since Rocinante's legally capable of making the decision, it's ultimately up to him. Tells him if they release him there's a strong chance he'll try to do it again, and fuck no, he thinks. He can't go through that again.
"We'll wait until he wakes up again. He'll have to have a one on one with a mental health professional." The doctor tells him, he nods. What else can he do? The doctor just gives him a pat on the shoulder, like he's some fucking pet. Tells him it'll be all right, just to wait it out and see how he is after he wakes up and has a chance to calm down.
Law shifts, moves around in the bed he's on, as little as he can, considering. Wakes up and he feels completely numb. Like his entire body was dead. Can't feel his insides, his emotions, his skin. Nothing. Thinks he'd rather he be stabbed multiple times over and over again, than becoming absolutely nothing and feeling like a literal corpse. Blinks a couple of times until he can fully make out the restraints on his wrists, blinks again and there's a guard at the door, once more and that's all there is. No one else is there.
A nurse walks by the window, looks in and makes eye contact with him and decides to come in.
"Hi Law, how are you feeling this time around?" She asks with a bright smile, clicks her pen and writes some stuff down. He doesn't know what. He's sore, if that's anything.
"What?" He asks, because he doesn't fully understand the question. And shit, his throat fucking kills. Doesn't know what she means by this time around. Stares at her and his palms begin to feel sweaty and gross, he want's to wipe them off but there's no way he can. She looks back at him, like he's stupid or something. Doesn't understand the question maybe, and she wouldn't be wrong. He doesn't get it.
"You woke up once before, you don't remember?" She asks and she looks like she's hesitating to ask anything else as well.
"No?" He says. It's low and his voice is scratchy. His throat seriously fucking kills, way worse than just a little cold's sore throat. Feels like someone had literally shoved a knife down there and cut him up from the inside.
"Well, all that matters is that you're awake now." She says, he doesn't like that she doesn't say what happened when he first woke up.
"Sure." He says, deep in my mind he feels nothing but disappointed that he hadn't succeeded. Again, no less. He's enraged that he couldn't even properly kill myself when no one was around. And he'd had a pretty good head start too. Wonders where Rocinante is, because if it was Luffy who found him he's surely got a shit ton of yelling coming his way.
"Can you take these things off?" He asks her before she leaves, tries to hold up his hands as high as he can, gesturing to the restraints. She frowns.
"I can't, sorry. I'm not able to make that decision."
"What decision? What if I just want to scratch my nose?" He says, and it comes out angrier than he'd wanted it to. Feeling it in his throat and his head just won't stop throbbing for the life of him.
"Do you just want to scratch your nose?" She asks, and well, he can't say yes. Doesn't have it in him. Just looks to the side where there's a big jacket that resembles Rocinante's a lot. Asks where he is.
"He should be here, he hasn't left since you were admitted." She says, steps out into the hallway outside the door and looks around but turns back to say she doesn't see him. Suggests he might have gone to grab lunch. He nods, leans his head back against the pillow that doesn't deserve to be called such, it's hard. Pillows shouldn't be hard.
She leaves him with a smile, and not too long after, Rocinante walks in. Doesn't look all too pleased with him, but Law's never been happier to see him in his life.
"You're awake again, huh?" Rocinante asks, walks over to the seat next to Law's bed.
"Why... does everyone keep saying that?" Law asks, and it's not really everyone, but two people are more than he needs to hear that from.
"Why the fuck do I have restraints on me?! I can't even get up to fucking piss." Law spits and Rocinante looks at him confused. Furrows his brows and looks behind him at the guard, then back at Law.
"What do you mean? You don't remember waking up?"
"No. What happened?"
"Ah." Rocinante says, doesn't think it'd be best to bring up anything he said. Just tells him what he did. "You flipped out, freaked that you were still alive. Kept asking why and yelling. They had to put you in restraints and sedate you because they were worried you'd do something to yourself." He tells him, Law's eyes widen. Sighs and throws his head back. Twists his wrists in the restraints and at least it makes sense why he's got them on now.
"Can you just tell them I'm fine? I want to go home." Law says and Rocinante looks at him like he'd got to be fucking kidding.
"Law, no. You're not fine god damn it. Why'd you do it?!" Rocinante yells, louder than he wanted to but he can't hold it back.
"I… don't want to talk about it." Law says. Pouts like a baby and Rocinante's had it with his shit.
"Law for gods sake you almost fucking died-"
"Yeah that's usually the fucking point." Law says, turns his head to break eye contact with him but Rocinante continues anyways.
"Don't even try to act smart with me right now. You have no idea how fucking pissed I am at you for this." Rocinante says, his words hit Law like a ton of bricks. And though he can't really feel anything, he's able to feel how hurt and scared Rocinante is.
"You know they want to check you into a psych ward-"
"What?! No. No. They can't make me, what'd you tell them? Did you tell them I didn't need to go?" Law says, looks like he's struggling to talk because of how bad it hurts. Rocinante sighs and tells him to lay back down. That there's no way he'd be able to go anywhere anyways.
"Law I didn't need to tell them anything. Given your history and all that happened in the past day and a half, they think it's best if-"
"Fuck NO. I'm not going there. They can't fucking make me if I don't want to." He shouts and there's no way in hell they're going to drag his ass to some psychiatric ward where he'll have some bullshit security watching over him every hour of every day for who knows how long.
"Listen to me, yes they can. You're a danger to yourself Law. I don't want to have to sit in another ambulance scared out of my fucking mind you could die any damn second." He says and Law scoffs.
"Oh come on I just want them to take these fucking fuzzy handcuffs off so I can just take a piss and scratch my fucking nose, I'm not going to do anything." He says, tries to reassure Rocinante he's not going to do anything. All he wants is his bed and a coffee, really.
"And that sounds really convincing too. But I know you don't mean it." Rocinante says, hits Law and knows there's never any escaping him when they're one on one like this.
"So what, you're just going to let them lock me up?"
"They're not locking you up, Law. You're going to get the help you need. You'll only be gone a month-"
"A MONTH?!" Law shouts, the guard tells him to keep it down or he'll call in the doctor. "What I can't even be fucking surprised?" He says, directed to the guard and Rocinante tells him to stop.
"You need to go, Law. I don't ever want to see you the way I did again. Okay? I'm not doing this to punish you, none of this is your fault." Rocinante says but Law thinks otherwise.
"You think I'm a coward." Law accuses and Rocinante sighs, stands up from the chair and pushes Law's still numb legs to the side to make room for himself on the bed. Sits down and holds Law's hand. Serious as ever.
"You're not a coward or anything, listen to me. You're going to go, you're going to get the help you need and you're going to come back better than ever. You will, I know you're strong enough to do it." He tells him, Law's not so sure. But he can't exactly say no. Doesn't have the ability to. Just sighs.
"I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry you had to see me like that. But I'm okay, I swear I'm okay so please just don't let them take me there. What am I supposed to do anyways?" Law says, chokes on his own words and looks like he could tear up if his eyes weren't so damn dry.
"I know you're sorry kiddo I can see it in your eyes. But you're not okay. I don't know who you're trying to fool but it sure as hell isn't working on me." Rocinante says, frowns when Law's hold on his hand tightens. Surprised he has enough in him to do so.
"You're not okay, but you will be." He says, makes it sound like a promise. Swoops in for a tight hug and Law can't stop himself from being pained he can't hug Rocinante back. It sucks being like this.
It's five in the evening the next day. Law sits in his bed, finally thankful those god awful restraints have been removed, at least long enough for him to eat. And not the gross hospital food, but actual food Rocinante's brought him from home. Not like there's a difference anyways though, he can't taste anything. Everything is bland to him. Like his taste buds had been completely destroyed from the charcoal that Rocinante had told him they had to pour down his throat.
Either way, it sucks. It's more embarrassing if anything. The attempt and not the success. Can't get it out of his head how bad and pathetic he must look to every nurse and doctor that comes in. Every mental health professional that comes in and asks him how he's doing. How he feels. What he's thinking about. And the only answer he's ever able to give is 'I don't know' because he doesn't. He doesn't know how he's doing. His throat hurts like a bitch, his appetite is even shittier than it was before, his whole body aches and his emotions are a jumbled up mess. Basically he feels he's dead. Or dying at least. In a constant state of losing his life and it never ends. It just hurts.
Doesn't think about much other than how impatient he is to get out of the same room he's been held in for the past… how many hours? He doesn't know. Doesn't even know what day it is. His whole system of time is scrambled.
But then in walks Rocinante, holding a bag which looks stuffed to the brim and behind him, is Luffy. Looks so incredibly pissed and he's thankful he has a guard in the room otherwise he's sure Luffy would rip his head off. That's what he looks like he's eager to do at least. And he's never even had the time to think about what he's going to say to him let alone how to look at him. Doesn't know what facial expression he's wearing. Thinks it could be a mix of fear and the look of a corpse.
Rocinante's the only one who walks in further than where the door closes, sets the bag on the floor beside his bed. Sighs and doesn't sit down, takes out a cigarette from his pocket and oh how fucking bad Law wishes he could smoke right now. How fucking bad.
"I got what you needed kiddo. They don't allow zippers, anything with strings, spikes, shit that dangles or hangs. Pretty much nothing unless it's plain and simple. They told me you're allowed your own clothes but only a couple pairs, so I grabbed stuff that you would be okay with." Rocinante tells him and all this is so fucking surreal to him.
Can't believe this is happening. Can't believe Luffy isn't saying anything. Doesn't care about the bag, the clothes, or the ward. Just has this aching feeling that's about ten times worse when mixed with his fucked over emotions when Luffy doesn't say anything. Just stares him in the eyes like he's a piece of messy artwork on display at a museum. Rocinante sighs again, Law can tell he feels awkward. Kind of out of place, so he leaves. Says he's going for a smoke, asks the guard if it's okay for him to stand outside the door for a while so the two of them can talk. Thinks he's doing it discreetly but it's pretty fucking loud. But Law appreciates the gesture. And also hates him for bringing Luffy here to see him like this. And then it's just the two of them.
Luffy hesitantly walks over, sits not on the stool but on the bed where Law scoots his legs over to make room for him. Still doesn't say anything, but kicks his shoes off and crosses his legs the same way he would at Law's.
"Say something." Law says. He doesn't know where to start. His hands are gripping the blanket over his lower half so tight he can feel his nails in his palms through the fabric. Luffy looks like he doesn't know what to say, or that he's just going to torture Law like this. Just staring at him. And then Luffy starts to breathe heavier, Law doesn't know if its out of anger or fear. Whether he's going to punch him in the gut or hug him. Whether or not he's going to yell at him or cry. It's none of the above, Luffy just tries to regulate his breathing. Closes his eyes for a few seconds and grabs Law's now free hands. Holds them tighter than Law was holding his sheets. Feels like everything is going in slow motion.
"I don't… I don't know what to say to you." Luffy tells him and he's not really that surprised. But at the same time it's weird for Luffy, who's admitted himself he's always got something to say, has nothing. Doesn't blame him though, can't imagine how confused he must be feeling.
"Okay. That's okay-"
"NO! No it's not okay! You could have died Law! What the fuck, just how is that okay?!" Luffy shouts and Law notices the guard look in from the window, looks back at Luffy because he couldn't give a shit about it right now.
"You- I asked you! I asked you so many times if you were doing okay! If you were feeling okay and you said yes Law! You lied to me, you lied to my face!" Luffy shouts and Law's not able to get a single word in.
"What the fuck was I supposed to do if I hadn't seen Roci and he hadn't told me what happened?! I would have never found out, you wouldn't have fucking told me!" He continues and Law just lets him yell. Doesn't even blink when Luffy's nails start digging into the back of his hands.
"What if you fucking died Law?! What the hell did you even think about me for a fucking second longer than it took you to send me a god damn sorry?!" Luffy says and it's no secret he's pissed the fuck off at him. Law would be too if Luffy did something like this. But he wouldn't, because Luffy's not sick. He's everything Law had ever hoped for in himself but never got to be. Feels so guilty, and so fucking sorry. So pathetic and shitty. That he couldn't bring himself to tell Luffy that. He thought it was embarrassing. No less embarrassing than Luffy having to save him the first time, no less than right now. Just saying the words would have taken a whole deal out of him.
"I… I don't know what you want me to say. I'm sorry, I really am you have no fucking idea how sorry I feel Luffy. But I know that it doesn't mean anything-" Law says but Luffy shuts him up, literally. Doesn't want to hear crap like that come out of Law's mouth.
"No, no shut up. I decide what means something to me and what doesn't! I just wish you would have told me how you felt, or just talked to someone about it!" Luffy says, looks like he's about to cry. Blinks rapidly to keep his tears away. Law feeling like he's just gone and killed one of Luffy's family members. That's how hurt he looks. That someone he trusted and believed in would go behind his back and do something like that. But instead of a family member, it was himself. And to Luffy, that's equally as bad.
"I… I know. I know I should have told you. I wanted to tell you."
"Then why would you choose a bottle of pills over talking to me?!"
"I don't know! It was the easier option and my mind was spinning, I didn't know what else to do!"
"You should have called me!" Luffy says and it sounds desperate. Like even now he wishes he could just get the words out of Law and help him.
"I did, I tried to tell you- I should have-" Law says, he does know. He feels terrible he didn't. He feels terrible Luffy's sitting on his damned hospital bed with him holding back tears for the life of him.
"But you didn't! You didn't you chose a stupid bottle of whatever the fuck it was you thought was better than talking to me!" Luffy shouts and again, the guard eyes him and he wishes he could pound his head in for being so damn nosy. Luffy's eyes look beyond hurt, his posture is that of a baby who's looking for comfort and safety. Law thinks it's interesting that it should definitely be the other way around. Because that's all he's ever wanted to give Luffy.
And then Luffy starts crying.
And it's probably the worst thing Law's ever had to see. The one person he wanted to keep happy, crying. And he doesn't want to show any further weakness. Even now, he doesn't want to let Luffy know just how much he's hurting but his own tears well up too much for him to hold back with just blinking and attempts at composed breathing. So he lets them drop. Pulls Luffy close to him and wraps his arms around his waist, one on his back and holds him so damn close. His own chest fucking hurts like hell already, but he'll take it. Mutters nothing but quiet choked up apologies into Luffy's ear and Luffy keeps lightly punching at him. Doesn't have to say it, but he knows all he's asking is why.
"You have to stay here okay? I don't know what I'd do if you died." Luffy mumbles into his chest. Doesn't look up at him because he's still crying. Law can feel his tears through the thin hospital gown and he nods. Nods and nods. Says okay. He will, he swears by it.
"You have to. You have to. You have to." Luffy repeats and it sounds more of reassurance to himself he gets with every nod that Law gives him afterwards.
That he needs to know that Law's not going anywhere anytime soon.
"So… when are you leaving?" Luffy asks, really hesitant to hear the answer. Because anything Law says will put him off.
"I uh, don't know." Law says, looks at Rocinante because he assumes he should.
"They said three days after you wake up so… tomorrow." He tells him and Luffy frowns. Law only sighs and rubs his temples. Still not okay with this. Not okay with any of this.
"It'll be okay. It's a month, not forever. You'll be fine. And you'll come back better, you will." Rocinante says, pats Law's arm and gives Luffy a smile too. Hasn't moved from Law's bed, just adjusted himself to lay down on top of him and hold him for as long as he can.
Luffy just gives them a 'hmph', turns around and buries his head into Law's chest and apologizes when Law kisses his teeth because of the pain.
A nurse walks into their uncomfortably quiet room and pats Luffy on the back, asks him to get up so she can do her job. Check up on Law and make sure his breathing is good. A pouty Luffy gets up, only enough for her to get an arm in with her stethoscope. Asks him to breathe in a couple times.
"Any pain?" She asks and he's about to say no but Rocinante clears his throat. Scoffs he can read him so well.
"Yeah, kinda. My whole body aches." He tells her and she nods.
"That's normal considering what happened. You're lucky there wasn't any severe damage to your liver or lungs during the procedure." She says, gives all three of them a smile, and sure. He's so very lucky.
"Well, for now just get some rest. Visiting hours end in about, ten minutes so. Say your farewells before then." She tells them and Luffy's eyes go shot, no way he's leaving. Rocinante sighs because he can tell the boy's got no intention of moving an inch away from the bed let alone leave the hospital.
"I'm not leaving." Luffy shifts, finds a way to replicate the comfortable position he'd had before the nurse asked him politely to move and pouts. Why would he want to leave Law's side if it's technically the last day he'd get to see him properly?
Knows a month without seeing him daily is going to be a pain in the ass and he doesn't know how to feel other than sad.
"Luffy…" Law knows his hearts in the right place but really doesn't want him to get in trouble for somehow finding a way to stay hidden in a closet or bathroom everytime a nurse walks by so he could stay the night.
"I'm fine now, you know that right?" Law asks him. To him it seems like Luffy still thinks he could kick it any second and he's fine, really he is.
"You can come by tomorrow morning." The nurse suggests and Luffy scowls at her, doesn't like her tone. Like 'get the hell out of here already before you get me in trouble' kind of thing.
"You'll be here?" Luffy turns to Law, doesn't give a reply to the snide ass nurse who's getting on his nerves and Law smiles down at him, nods his head.
"I'll be here."
Luffy goes to the hospital early in the morning the next day. Hoping to see Law before class, no thanks to the pointless policies of the hospital, which don't even make sense to him. What do they think he's going to do while he's there, throw a fucking party? Either way, even if it's a couple minutes really, he'll take it. He's feeling like he's going through withdrawal and Law's all he craves. Honestly just wants to make sure he's okay and that he means it when he says he is. Not just some empty words that he'll croak out to make Luffy not worry because that in itself, makes him worry about ten times more than if Law were to just tell him he wasn't.
Walks in and heads to the elevator, up to the floor the CSU is on. It's quiet and empty. Seems like not that many people swing by at seven in the morning in the middle of December. Hears the ding and walks out, down the hall to Law's room and sees a lady holding a few sheets and peeks inside behind her.
Doesn't see Law.
"Hey, do you know where Law is?" The lady turns around, stuffs the dirtied sheets into a bin.
"Sorry sweetie, he was taken this morning. I'm just here to clean up." She pulls out a clean sheet, folded a couple of times and walks back into the room and Luffy's left alone. Saddened by sight of an empty bed it even gives him frightening thoughts of how close it could have been that Law could have ended up dying on him. He didn't but he's not there and that's what makes Luffy's insides turn.
Law had told him he'd still be there. He said he'd fucking be there.
It's the third time he's been lied to, and it's a feeling he really fucking hates.
A/N: my lazy ass couldn't get this out seriously I had no idea how hard it'd be to write this, but here it is now? so? yay? sorry it took so long though. I look forward to hearing from you guys as always! Lots of love. ~S