A/N: If some of you do not need a tissue after this chapter I did not do the angst justice. I cried just wrting parts of it and I know the outcome of the tale. I will say once more thanks to all who have reviewed. I noticed a couple of new reviewers. Welcome to my Phantom World.
Chapter Eighteen
Misguided Honor
It had taken a couple of days coddling Meg before Antoinette would let the girl out of her sight. Meg tolerated the smothering as she knew how worried her mother had been. There had always only been the two of them for as long as Meg could remember other than Christine. If something similar had happened to her mother, Meg felt she would most likely behave just as her mother did.
On the morning of the third day Meg felt she had succumbed to enough of her mother's attention. Meg wanted to see Erik. She could not understand why he had not stayed the night he had brought her home. He had snuck out like a thief in the night without so much as a peep in farewell.
He had not come to visit her at Madame Cavanaugh's either. Every morning Meg had asked the staff if he had come and been turned away or left some message for her. No one had seen or heard from him.
Meg dressed carefully for her visit to Erik's. She wanted to look attractive without making it seem as if she were trying too hard. Simple elegance had been Meg's finale choice.
Erik loved the colors black and red. The day dress Meg chose consisted of a red skirt, white ruffled blouse with black trim. With her hair pinned loosely atop her head Meg thought she looked casually elegant. Tendrils of hair brushed her cheeks.
Daringly she touched a bit of lip color to her pale mouth. Pinching her cheeks Meg gave a nod to her reflection. She looked quite nice. She hoped Erik thought so also.
When Meg went downstairs everyone was buzzing about a letter Christine had received in the mail. It was an invitation to be a special guest for one night to sing on the stage of the London Opera House.
Christine couldn't sit still. Raoul had told her she must meet the demands of her public. Christine had scoffed at the idea that anyone would even know who she was. Meg loyally protested that she must have many English fans in order to receive such an invitation.
Meg went to sit by Fiona as she looked out the window forlornly. Meg placed her hand comfortingly over Fiona's. The eyes that met Meg's were filled with so much sorrow Meg felt her own eyes prick with tears.
"How are you feeling today? Mother told me you were doing better. You were able to keep a bit of food down. Don't stress yourself trying to take giant steps. Set small goals, as you conquer each of those set bigger goals. You'd be surprised how often I employed that method when I danced in Paris. The world of song and dance is so competitive."
"Oh Meg, I feel so disconnected from everyone. I feel so old. It seems as if I missed my whole carefree girlish years. I have not had any of those awful drugs but I do still want them.
I want them to the point I fear if I am not watched continuously I will give in to the allure. The things that were done to me I don't know if I can ever forget. I resent having to stay in that room even though I understand why. Even now my hands still shake and the only thing keeping me from seeking what I crave is the watchful eye of my family.
You more than anyone know what I suffered. You only spent a couple of days in that monsters care. I thank God for your sake you had someone who was able to save both of us. I know my mother tried and I do not place any blame on her. It was my fault.
If I had not defied her so willingly Mr. Vincent would not have gotten his clutches around me so tightly. I wanted to experience life. Well, I did just that. I got much more than I bargained for.
I wanted to thank you for being so kind while I went through the withdrawal symptoms. Every time I did something to displease him my medication would be taken away. The withdrawal is worse I think than what the drugs make me feel.
When you see your friend Erik, please tell him he has my eternal gratitude. At any time he needs anything please tell him I will do anything to repay his kindness and bravery. He would not accept any monetary remuneration from mother.
I owe him my life. Nothing he could ask of me would ever be enough to repay him the debt I owe, the debt we all owe him.
You are a lucky woman Meg. I have heard the story about his past connection with Christine and Raoul. Servants love to gossip. Truthfully I asked for information as I was curious about my rescuer.
I don't think you ever have anything to worry about where he and Christine are concerned. Even the servants have noticed the way he spoke about you. Mother has told me he confessed to her that he has deep feelings for you.
My goodness I have been prattling on while here you are anxious to be on your way. I won't keep you any longer. Please just give Erik my best and a kiss from me. I would do it myself but I want no misunderstandings between you and me."
With one last hug Meg snuck out while her mother seemed to be occupied in conversation with Christine and Raoul.
Meg went to the stables in search of someone who could hook up the surrey for her. She had never driven one before but thought if she had a gentle, cooperative animal she would be fine. She need not worry about meeting others until she reached the outskirts of London.
The stable boy had been very eager to please such a beautiful woman. He had flirted with Meg the whole time. Meg ignored him other than to smile politely. She did not wish to have the attention of anyone other than Erik.
Meg had asked the young man to explain the basics to her. He had volunteered to drive into London with her but Meg wanted no one to know where she had gone.
If she made the decision to spend the night with Erik she would simply tell her mother she had gone to town and decided to take in a show. Since the performance would run into the early hours of morning the excuse of staying in a hotel would sound perfectly reasonable.
Meg felt her excitement build as she entered the outskirts to the city. Her horse seemed to know the route well and needed little guidance which had been a blessing.
The long trip had given Meg the opportunity to adjust to using the reins to guide the willing animal where she wanted him to go. He was a gelding who seemed eager to please.
Once Meg parked the surrey she smoothed her hands down over her clothing and hair. She felt nervous. Calling herself all kinds of an idiot she stepped down onto the sidewalk.
Once in front of Erik's door she hesitated. Would he think her too bold coming here without an invitation or even sending him a note letting him know she would be paying him a visit? Chiding herself for being such a coward Meg lifted the knocker then let it fall back down onto the brass plate. She blinked at the loud sound it made.
She put a smile on her face ready to greet whoever opened the door. If it were Erik she would be gratified not to need to explain her visit.
The tall dower looking man who opened the door Meg knew from past visits. Brimley worked for Erik as his butler as well as an assortment of other occupations. Erik did not like a houseful of nosy servants.
"Good afternoon to you Brimley. Would you please inform Mr. Devereaux I am here? I know I should have sent word I intended to pay him a visit but perhaps this once he will forgive my lack of manners."
Brimley harrumphed. He suddenly looked fidgety. He would not look Meg directly in the eye. Brimley cursed Master Erik for making him do this. The man would not listen to anything he said on the matter. Foolishness that was what it was, pure foolishness. Why the Master had to leave without word to anyone Brimley could not ascertain.
When Master Erik had returned in the wee hours before dawn he had been quite agitated. Brimley had thought things had not gone well until Master Erik had disabused him of that notion. It had taken some time for the man to settle down so he could tell Brimley what had him in such a state.
Master Erik it seemed loved Miss Meg. He thought she may return the emotion. He must be certain she did not harbor any feelings of gratitude which influenced her feelings.
At that point Master Erik had lost his mind. That had been Brimley's estimation. Master Erik had written a note telling Miss Meg he would be going away for a while. In the interim he wanted her to allow gentleman to call upon her. He wanted her to spend time in the company of these men to make certain of her feelings. He himself would examine his own as well. Perhaps they had made a mistake. They had been swept away by the intensity of the moment.
If by the time he returned they found themselves feeling the same they would then explore their relationship and decide where they should go from there.
Brimley picked the envelope up from the hall table. He had for a few moments entertained the idea of burning the note thereby eliminating written evidence of Master Erik's lunacy. For a highly intelligent man Brimley thought his employer did not know a good thing when it stood in front of him.
Gravely Brimley handed the envelope to Meg. She took it hesitantly. She could read nothing in Brimley's face. Glancing at the envelope she smoothed her hand over it feeling dread wash over her in waves. Nothing good could be in this note. If everything was as it should be Erik would now be greeting her with an embrace and tender kiss.
Using her finger to open the envelope Meg removed the white paper from within. Unfolding the paper Meg began to read what Erik had written. Upon first reading what he had penned Meg staggered under the devastating impact of the words.
Thanking Brimley Meg turned her back and began to reread every word carefully. There must be some mistake. Perhaps she had missed something in her haste to read what Erik wrote. When she had read the last word for the second time she dropped her hand to her side staring blindly into the busy street.
Raising the paper again Meg read each syllable carefully so she knew there had been no mistake. Erik had left. He had gone without even a word to her or anyone else. Misery engulfed Meg. Erik did not love her. He must care nothing for her at all if he could so easily leave without seeing or speaking to her. He had so little regard for her he felt a note would suffice as an explanation for his actions.
All this nonsense about giving her time to be sure how she felt Meg saw as just a polite way of saying Erik had second thoughts about them. He was the one who needed time. He hoped she would attach herself to someone else thereby alleviating him of any responsibility to her. Perhaps he already had his next lover in mind. He knew that Cavanaugh woman from his past. Although slightly older than Erik the woman did have a certain appeal.
Erik might need time to be certain of his emotions but Meg knew beyond a doubt how she felt. If she had loved him any less right at this moment her whole being would not feel as if it had been flogged and shredded.
How humiliating this would have been if he had been home. At least he had spared her that indignity. Meg covered her face with her hands feeling shamed when she remembered how she had behaved last night. She had even confessed her love. Oh what a fool she had made of herself. Of course he had taken advantage of her open invitation to fondle her. What man would not have done the same as Erik had? Any liberties Erik had taken with Meg had been instigated by her. She had offered herself to him on a silver platter. Meg began to mistrust her own reactions and emotions.
Perhaps Erik's love for Christine had been rekindled. He had not acted as if he had anyone on his mind other than herself. Of course Meg had little experience to base her assumption on.
Meg turned back to bid Brimley good-day. She thanked him for delivering the message from Erik. Brimley bowed regally. If Brimley did not need to be so circumspect he would give the poor girl a handkerchief as well as a fatherly shoulder to cry on. He did not think he had ever seen anyone looking so completely lost as Miss Meg did at the moment.
Meg blinked trying to see through her tears. Knowing she could not hope to drive while crying Meg began to walk aimlessly down the street. Sentences from the paper began to parade themselves through her thoughts. Meg felt a sob working its way up into her throat. She must find someplace secluded soon or she would make a spectacle of herself on the street. That would make everything just perfect if all of London learned of her plight.
She couldn't return home in this state. Indeed Meg feared she could not face anyone in her present condition. One look and her mother would know something was wrong. Christine would as well. As much as Meg loved Christine she did not feel up to having her know that Erik had rejected her yet again.
Meg had only told Christine that she and Erik had become close while on board then he had second thoughts on the matter and they had parted agreeing to remain friendly. While not being totally truthful Meg felt it adequate at the time to save face. Not remembering Erik's attack on her Meg had thought that she told a partial truth. They had parted and eventually they had made peace with one another.
The longer Meg walked the angrier she became. If Erik did not want her all he had to do was tell her so. This elaborate excuse had been unnecessary. If Erik had come right out and told her that he wished only to have a cordial friendship she would have been hurt but Meg felt she would have accepted things far better than this method of ridding himself of an unwanted female.
If he wished for her to engage socially with men so be it. First she would inform the opera house she would take the position of Prima Ballerina. After that Meg would be filling her days with one gentleman caller after another. Patrons were always on the prowl looking for young dancers to entertain them.
Erik need never worry about being bothered by her again. If he wanted time away from her well who was she to deny him? Meg would give him all the time in the world, the rest of his life in fact. If he needed space to think things through then he could have the width of London between them.
Meg wiped the tears from her cheeks as quickly as they fell. Keeping her head down to hide her distress, Meg made her way to one of London's cheaper hotels. As long as it had a clean room with a decent evening meal that would be all Meg needed to make it through the night.
Tomorrow would be another day. She would cry her eyes out tonight then take stock tomorrow. First thing would be to inform the managers she would be taking the position of Prima Ballerina. As far as Meg knew Erik had little to do with the management other than financial support. After Paris he seemed not to want to be in control of all things artistic. He offered only his musical talents. The rest he left to those who he paid to make wise decisions.
Once in her room Meg let the full force what happened wring all her hurt and grief from her. When her sobbing led to coughing then nearly upsetting her stomach Meg said enough. She would cry no more over that man. He had been given her last tear.
With a pounding head Meg lay trying to sleep. All she succeeded in doing was bringing every moment she and Erik had spent together to the forefront of her mind.
Despair overtook her when she recalled all she had done to Erik and let him do to her. All the things she said reverberated inside her mind making her cringe in mortification. Meg had never had to deal with such anguish and hurt in her life before. How did one go on as if nothing were different, as if your world had not been torn asunder?
Once Meg had established herself with the dance troupe she would then actively seek out gentlemen callers. A few weeks rehearsal should earn the respect of her fellow dancers if she worked really hard and did well.
Hours of private practice would not come amiss either. Meg had been doing her stretches at the bar but had not performed since the night of Erik's opera. Now she could be thankful she had kept herself limber as she would have trouble picking up where she left off otherwise.
When Meg's sobs had dwindled to sniffles her last thought before sleep overtook her had been that tomorrow would be the real test of her resolve. She would have to face everyone and pretend nothing monumental had occurred in her life. She must act as if her world had not been torn apart along with her heart.
The darkest days of Meg's life had begun.