Thanks once again to everyone who's reading this, and especially to my faithful reviewers. This chapter is quite unlike anything I've tried to write before, so I would be especially grateful for feedback. Warning: this is where it starts getting VERY dark.
"Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or they shadows of the things that May be, only?"
-Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol
They were looking into the interior of a car. Alex watched herself, looking slightly older, driving and wrestling with the Sat-Nav - some things haven't changed - and Molly, now a leggy teenager, sitting beside her. Oh, my baby, Alex thought with intense longing. What a beauty she's going to become.
"This is the morning of 10 November, 2010," Sam murmured beside her.
Rain was streaming down the windscreen, so hard that Alex-in-the-car was having trouble seeing the road.
"Sorry I can't go any faster, darling," she said. "I'm afraid I'll make you late for school. But these conditions are so awful, I daren't risk it."
"No worries, Mum," said Molly comfortably. "Remember, everyone else will be in the same boat."
"Boat is right, this morning," Alex-in-the-car laughed. "Fancy getting to school in a Noah's Ark? It might be quicker -"
Suddenly a lorry ahead of them skidded and turned sideways across the road. Alex-in-the-car slammed on the brakes, but the tyres had no purchase on the wet, greasy surface, and she and Molly screamed as the car ploughed into the side of the lorry. A shard of metal punctured the airbag. Another car piled into the back, sandwiching them in a mass of twisted metal and broken glass. The screaming stopped.
"Oh, God!" Alex cried. She tried to run forward, but Sam held her firmly by the shoulders. "Let me go! I have to get to Molly!"
"We can't do anything," said Sam, still holding her. "We aren't there."
She nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks, and he released her. They stood there, watching helplessly as the emergency services arrived, the Fire Brigade cut through the concertinaed car to extract the broken bodies, and paramedics lifted them gently onto gurneys. One of them bent over Alex-from-the-car and shouted, "This one's alive!"
"This one?" Alex moaned. "Molly -"
A paramedic attending to Molly looked up and said, "No chance with this one. Neck broken. Poor kid. It must have happened when the Toyota crashed into the rear. Time of death, nine twenty-"
"NOOOOOOOO!" Alex screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The nightmare image faded, and she and Sam stood in the darkness again. If he had not put an arm around her, she would have fallen.
"Tell me it isn't true!" she sobbed. "Tell me I didn't kill my daughter!"
"You didn't kill her," said Sam gently."It was an accident. Nobody was to blame. It hasn't happened yet. If you are there, it will happen, in that time, in that place. Molly will die. But you will survive."
"I don't want to!" Alex moaned. "Not if she's dead!"
They were standing in Alex's living room. It was a dull day, and little light penetrated into the room. Everything seemed leached of colour. It was full of greyness and shadows. A house of mourning.
Alex caught sight of herself, resting in what she thought was a high-winged armchair. Then the chair glided forward, and she realised with horror that her older self was sitting in a motorised wheelchair, her head supported by a brace. She seemed to have no mobility at all, except in her head and neck, and she was moving her head to control the direction of the wheelchair.
"10 November, 2012," Sam murmured.
"How much longer must I go on like this, Evan?" Alex-in-the-wheelchair's voice was a rasp of bitterness and pain.
Alex had not noticed Evan, sitting in an armchair, his hands folded, trying to appear relaxed but obviously ill at ease.
"The doctors are very pleased with your progress -"
"The truth, Evan!" Alex-in-the-wheelchair's voice snapped out like the cut of a whip. "It's not going to get any better than this, is it? I'm paralysed. My body's immobile. It's two years today since the crash. My condition's deteriorating, and it can only get worse. I'm paying strangers to give me round-the-clock care." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "There are times I'm even glad Molly's dead. She would have felt obliged to give up her life to look after me." She broke into racking sobs. "I killed my own daughter, and I'm glad she's dead!"
Instantly Evan was at her side, drying the tears she could not wipe away.
"You didn't kill her, Alex. It was an accident."
"I was at the wheel!" Alex-in-the-wheelchair wailed. "Maybe that's why I've been punished like this."
"It was an accident," Evan repeated, putting his arms around her and stroking her hair. "The inquest established that. The lorry's steering was defective. The road surface was slippery with rain and neither you nor the driver of the car behind you had room to brake. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't anyone's fault. You must stop blaming yourself."
"I know, I know," Alex-in-the-wheelchair sighed, her sobs quietening. "I'm sorry, Evan. I called you to come here today because I need to ask you to do something for me, and all I do is rant at you."
"Don't worry," said Evan, trying to smile as he held a cup of tea to her lips. "All part of the service."
Alex-in-the wheelchair took a few sips. "That's enough, thanks, Evan. Sit down, please. I need to talk to you very seriously."
Evan put the cup down and sat opposite her, leaning forward. "What's all this about?"
Alex-in-the-wheelchair hesitated a moment. "I know there are places on the Continent - in Switzerland - where one can go - to - to end one's life. I want you to arrange it for me."
"Alex! You can't be serious!"
"I was never more serious in my life."
"Alex, I know it's been terrible for you since the crash, but think what you still have. Your mind is unimpaired, you can still work -"
"My mind is unimpaired, so I know how much I've lost. I know there's no hope of improvement, I know things can only get worse. This isn't a spur of the moment decision, I've been thinking about it for a long time. Evan, please. You're the only person I can ask to do this for me."
"I'm sorry, Alex, but I can't." Evan's face was stern. "I must ask you never to raise this subject again."
"Why? Because you're a lawyer and you're afraid it would harm you professionally?"
"First, because you're asking me to do something which, in this country, is a criminal offence. Second, because I've always loved you like my own daughter, and I just can't do it, Alex, I can't. Let me ask you an equally difficult question. Would you have done this for Molly if she had been paralysed?"
"Molly would have had me. You're the only one left who'll look out for me, and you're not getting any younger. That's why I need to ask you to do this for me, while you're still here to ask."
"I'm sorry, Alex, but the answer is no."
"Why not?" Alex-in-the-wheelchair's voice rose to a howl. "Sam Tyler killed himself. My own father killed himself. Why can't I be allowed to kill myself?"
Evan went pale. "How did you know about Tim?"
"Never mind how I know. You don't know what I gave up to come back here after I was shot - the love I lost -"
"What are you talking about?"
"I should have died then. I should have killed myself before the crash. At least Molly would still have been alive, even if my death left her on her own. Why won't you help me?"
"No. Don't ask me again, Alex. The answer will be the same. No." Evan jumped to his feet and ran from the room, banging the door behind him. Alex-in-the-wheelchair tried to follow him, but the wheelchair caught against his armchair and stalled.
"EVAN!"
The image faded, and Alex and Sam were in the darkness again. Alex sank to her knees, hugging herself and shivering.
"Dear God above us," she whispered. "I thought it couldn't get any worse than what happened to Molly - but this…"
Then doubts crept in again. Sam is Gene's friend. Is he trying to trick me into choosing 1981? Might something even worse happen to Molly if I don't go back to 2008? Still shaking, she dragged herself to her feet.
"So, what happens to Molly if I don't go back to her? If I die in 2008?"
They were looking into the interior of another car, with Robert, Alex's ex-husband, at the wheel, and Molly sitting beside him. The rain was beating at the windscreen.
"This is 10 November, 2010," said Sam. "You died more than two years ago. Molly is living with Robert and Judy now. Evan helps out, of course. He's just as invaluable to them as he always was to you."
"Sorry the Weather Clerk couldn't organise anything better for the day of your netball match," Robert was saying. "Just after we'd got you a new kit for it, too."
"Never mind," said Molly. "If it's still wet this afternoon, we'll hold it in the gym."
"Will that make any difference to the time I come to collect you?"
"No, we'll still finish at four."
"Right on, treasure. I'll be there."
"One good thing to have come out of your death is that Robert has at last turned into a responsible father," Sam said softly.
The car drew up to the school gates and Molly grabbed her satchel, her kitbag, her lunchbox and an umbrella, and jumped out of the car.
"Good luck, Mols! May your team win!" Robert called after her as she hurtled inside. He watched until she was out of sight, and drove away.
The vision faded.
"No crash," said Alex numbly.
"No," Sam replied. "Robert lives at the other end of London. He drove Molly to school by a completely different route. They didn't go anywhere near the site of the crash."
"So - if I go back to Molly, she'll die and I'll be left a cripple. If I don't -"
"If you don't, she will live past that day. She will have the chance to grow up, to grow old."
"What will happen to her? What will her future be like?"
"That is something I can't show you, because it will be entirely up to Molly. But you know her. She's strong and clever, like you, and she will have Robert and Judy and Evan behind her. The world will be hers for the taking. Just as it was for you at her age."
Alex nodded slowly and painfully, acknowledging the truth of that.
"So, what will happen if I go back to 1981?"
"First, I have to show you what will happen if you don't go back."
TBC