But if you find yourself standing on the corner
While you´re thinking of a different world
Then you might see me waiting on the corner
"Okay," he says, switching on the bedside lamp and crawling into bed next to her, "here's what we need to decide."
Rose turns off the lamp and rolls over to face him. "What are you doing?"
"Going over our housing requirements."
"What time is it?"
"One fifty-three," he says promptly.
"In the morning?"
"Yeah."
Rose groans and hides under the covers. "Go away."
"It's almost time to get up," he says reasonably.
"It is most definitely not time to get up. Have you gone to bed yet?"
"Yeah," he says, sounding surprised. "I fell asleep when you did, remember?"
Rose doesn't really remember, because the previous night was kind of a blur once they got home from that alien birthday candle factory warehouse. She yawns.
"Why are you up so soon?"
It's not really soon, not for him. He doesn't sleep as much and there are nights he doesn't sleep at all. He suddenly feels guilty for waking Rose out of a sound sleep to ask her about carpeting options. Leaning over, he kisses her cheek.
"Go to sleep," he tells her.
"What about you?" she mumbles, already more than half-asleep.
"Oh, I'll be fine, Rose Tyler." He watches her sleep for a few minutes, wishing he didn't have to lie.
oOoOo
Sometimes he wakes up in a cold sweat, with no memory of what woke him up. Single heart racing, blurred images crowding his mind. Daleks the Time War and my family is dead the Master and monsters and aliens and Rose is falling and I can't catch her. He bolts up in bed, pressing his hands against his eyes, forcing the images to disappear.
Beside him Rose sleeps on.
He doesn't try and remember. There's simply too much there, in 900 years of life, to remember. The bad outweighs the good. So many visions and thoughts and people he should have saved but couldn't. Friends leaving him, Susan-
But he shies away from that one, just as he always has. In his mind she is still alive, always alive, always living with her family and friends and safe and happy. That's the only way he can live with himself, to convince his brain that Susan is safe.
And she is! He reminds himself sternly. The Time War didn't touch her. She is safe. Somewhere, in that other universe, in the time that is now hers, she is safe.
Someday he will tell Rose about Susan, and then it will be all right. He knew, almost immediately, that Rose Tyler could make just about anything all right.
She made him all right, didn't she? More than once, too. She made him all right and she made him better, and she's made him who he is at this moment. Who he'll be from now on.
Above everything else, though, above it all, is the absence of sound. The hum of the TARDIS was the sound of home and now it's gone.
No. Not gone. Still there. Just...not here with him. Which is almost worse than being gone for good. Once again, he ponders the great joke the universe has played on him. Stranded here.
Oh, but he has Rose. The universe did one kind thing for him in the end. He has Rose. Sometimes it's necessary to remind himself of that.
Gently easing himself off the bed, trying not to wake Rose, he closes the bedroom door and steps into the kitchen. He focuses on some small tasks at the sink, trying to drown out the words that persist in running through his head. How long does he have Rose for?
The words will not be banished, and he grabs his coat and quietly lets himself out of the flat. London is cold and dark tonight, with very few people on the streets. Here and there a couple stumbles into a building, clearly having had a rough night at the pub. He shakes his head at them. Silly little humans, going on each day, never knowing the dangers all around them.
How can you not like them?
Tilting his head back, he tracks his gaze to the stars overhead. They're not the ones he flew among for so long, but they've become familiar to him. He looks up at them a lot, some nights after Rose is sleeping.
Only sometimes will the sensation of suffocating hit him. The feeling that the sky, with all those stars and constellations, will fall down on him. The feeling of being trapped, of not having a choice, of being torn from everything he's ever known and cared out. Not a new feeling, certainly, but one that he doesn't feel too often anymore.
When he first came here he tried so hard to accept his life now, to accept the simple humanity that was given him. He wanted to yell and scream and rage at the unfairness of it, and he did. He did, so many times and in so many ways. It's a wonder Rose stuck by him, but she did. She had her own issues to deal with, but she stayed with him despite that. He's not the only one the other Doctor left behind. He's not the only one who's lost something.
He'll look at his right hand and try to understand it, and he just can't. The only choice is to just accept it. He'll go mad otherwise, and he knows madness is not what he is meant to do here.
And still...he scans the sky sometimes, looking for a blue box. On street corners, he'll stare extra hard at phone booths, trying to overcome perception filters that aren't there.
What if a breach did open up? What if he came back?
Same face, different face - would it matter to Rose? Would she leave without a backwards glance?
Such insecurities don't make for the most stable of relationships.
It's so hard, this being human nonsense, all paperwork and fill out your name and date of birth, and live in a house and go to a job every day and wait for your death.
Hard enough without wondering if the woman you love loves you back. Loves you back enough to stay with you.
If he hadn't left them on that beach - what would have happened?
He knows, in his heart, that the other one won't return. The other him would never try it, he knows. Wasn't that him once? Never try to go against the laws of the universe. Laws are there for a reason. You don't go against them.
But now...he's not the man he once was, is he? Donna made him better and she never was one to do as the universe said, only because that's the way things were always done.
Donna demanded more.
He wonders if that part of Donna is there within him. He wants more. He's just afraid of making the demand and then losing it all anyway.
Shut up, Donna's voice seems to tell him sternly. It's so clear and exact that he actually turns around in a circle, looking for her.
Spaceman, just shut it and listen. She loves you. You love her. That's all that matters. Now stop being a looby and go tell her you love her.
"She's asleep," he protests.
She won't mind if you do it right.
"I miss you," he admits quietly.
Haven't gone anywhere, have I?
"You're not here."
I'm always here, you prawn.
He doesn't wake Rose up when he gets home, but he does feel better. It will be okay. Clearly he has some kind of vitamin deficiency that makes him susceptible to strange bouts of delusion.
Setting up his laptop at the kitchen table, he grabs a banana, just in case his potassium stores are low.
The computer hums quietly, nowhere near as comforting as the TARDIS but close enough for now. He gets most of his work done here, at the kitchen in the night when Rose is asleep. All of his degrees and articles and research theories have been written and drafted and sent off from this laptop in the kitchen, all in the deepest part of the night when most people are sound asleep. Between his Time Lord mind and all his knowledge of that other universe, and his super-duper new typing skills, he can churn out dense documents in no time.
Rose has mentioned, once or twice, briefly, that he could do anything he wanted. He knows he doesn't need to stay at Torchwood. So many places would be glad to have him on staff to teach or conduct research.
Maybe someday he'll do that. It doesn't appeal so much right now. He's seen the universe out there. He knows what dangers lie in wait, and he is the only one who does truly know what's out there. He is the best person to keep Earth and his family safe, and he will do it until it is safe out there.
He makes a few quick notes on the baby TARDIS, noting its growth. Very slow but on schedule. Very nice.
Some nights he relaxes and reads, or watches something on the television. Once in a while he will explore this world's version of the Internet, looking for improbable events.
Tonight, though, he has other plans. Pulling up schematics for his other project, he settles down to get a few hours' work in.
He takes Donna's advice right before the alarm goes off that morning. Well, possibly it was Donna's advice. More likely it was just him, trying to make himself think it was Donna. For whatever reason he would want to make himself think it was Donna.
Anyway. Moving on. He kisses Rose awake, focuses on the smooth spot between her neck and her shoulder.
"Hi," she says with a sleepy smile.
"Good morning. Are you awake?" he asks hopefully.
"Maybe," she says, and smiles the slow smile that lets him know exactly what she's thinking.
"Good." He kisses her again.
oOoOo
He falls back on the bed and hums with pleasure. "Good morning," he says again.
Rose giggles. "Shut up."
He flips onto his side. "Good morning."
"All right."
"Goood morning," he continues, and she finally kisses him just to shut him up for good.
"Did you wake me up last night?" she asks him.
He looks around the room. "Last night?"
Rose isn't fooled by his innocent act. "I could have sworn you did."
"Well, I just wanted to say goodnight."
She's watching him closely. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine." He smiles at her because he is, in fact, okay. Maybe it was the banana, or hearing what might-be-might-not-be-Donna's voice, or maybe just sitting in the dark and working, but he feels much better this morning.
Yes, he thinks to himself. Rose Tyler makes everything all right.
Rose gives in and pushes back the covers. "How long have you been up?"
"A bit now."
She contemplates the ceiling. "Let's go get breakfast somewhere."
"Instead of here?"
She smiles at him, that teasing little smile that he can't resist and can't say no to. He doesn't even try.
"Nowhere fancy," he pleads.
oOoOo
Their breakfast in the Torchwood cafeteria was interrupted by Riley, who saw them in the window as she was walking by. She's stopped in to join them for a muffin and orange juice. A few minutes later Ian and Anna walk in. They don't notice them for a few minutes, but then Ian quickly drags their chairs over to join them.
"Good morning," he says cheerfully. "Don't usually see you two out so early."
"We like to ease into our mornings," Rose tells him.
Ian nods solemnly. "I can see that."
"Are you coming to my knitting class tonight, Rose?" Anna asks.
Rose, caught in the middle of putting a forkful of egg into her mouth, stops in mid-motion. Stalling for time, she slowly chews and swallows, glancing at Riley as she does so.
Riley nods her head enthusiastically.
"Uh...I don't know about tonight," Rose hedges.
"You had to leave early last time," Anna continues, oblivious to Riley's muffled giggles.
"Yeah, about that..."
"We're looking at houses tonight," the Doctor volunteers. "I'll need Rose along, of course. She knows best about what kind of box with windows would suit us best."
They look at him, puzzled by his statement.
"You're looking for a box?" Riley asks. "Like a...cardboard box?"
"No," Rose says hastily, before they start to think that she plans to live in a box in the park somewhere. "It's just our little joke. What we call houses."
Ian doesn't quite understand. "You refer to houses as boxes?"
"With windows," the Doctor says. "Our own little joke. You had to be there. Weeell, you didn't have to be there, I'd advise against it, but I wouldn't recommend it there even if you could go."
"Anyway, it's gone now," Rose says.
"What's gone? The house that's a box?" Riley is still trying to follow this through.
"No, the planet that we thought we'd trapped on," Rose corrects.
"A black hole," the Doctor says shortly. He still doesn't like to talk about that impossible planet and the Beast and what Rose had to go through there. "Far away in a different time in a different universe. But we escaped, as you can clearly see."
"Good as new," Rose adds. She hates to talk about that with anyone but the Doctor, because no one else understands, and it's so hard to think about what happened there.
Anna shakes her head. "You're daft."
oOoOo
Rose walks into Riley's tiny little office, easing the door shut behind her and sitting down in the chair in front of the desk.
Riley looks up from her computer. "Hello. What's up?"
Rose checks to make sure the door is fully closed and leans forward. Riley leans forward as well.
"I don't want to knit," Rose says quietly and clearly.
Riley nods, all seriousness and sincerity. "All right."
"It'd be all right if someone else were in charge. But this is Anna. I don't want to hurt her feelings."
"Rose, we're talking about yarn and metal needles. I think she'll be okay."
"Yeah, but you know." Rose fidgets in her chair.
"No. What?"
"She's Ian's girlfriend. She works with the Doctor. I feel like I have to be nice to her."
"Rose, you're nice to everyone. That's a big character flaw in a Torchwood agent, by the way. If it weren't for nepotism I don't know how long you'd last here."
"Riley, I'm serious."
"Well, either you tell her no every single time she asks, or you show up and pretend to be having fun." Riley seems to think this is perfectly reasonable.
"But I'm not having fun! It's dead boring and it's torture. And I know torture!" Rose adds. "I've been in dungeons on other planets that would make your skin crawl, and I'd rather go back to any of them than do this one more time."
"Well, you got out of tonight, didn't you?" Riley reaches in a desk drawer and pulls out a hank of brown yarn and knitting needles. "But look at what I did!"
It's a long, skinny scarf, done inexpertly and with several gaping holes, but Riley seems pretty proud of it.
"That's…nice," Rose manages. After all, it's more than she was able to manage.
"Thanks. And this was after that one class! If you just keep practicing you'll get better."
Rose doesn't want to either practice or get better, but at least she's gotten out of this evening's class.
"Maybe I'll come to the next one," she sighs.
"There's the spirit," Riley says approvingly. "Look - it's easy." She manages to knit one or two bits of yarn before the door start to open. She jams the yarn and needles back in her desk and schools her features to polite curiosity.
"Just me." Simon pokes his head in the office. "Hey, Riley."
Riley relaxes. "Hi." She pulls the yarn back out again.
Simon looks around and sees Rose. "Well, hello. I've been looking for you."
"You have? What's up?"
"Got a minute?"
"Yeah, I'm done here."
Simon looks back at Riley and blinks. "What the hell is that?" he asks.
Riley holds it up. "A scarf."
"There's no way that's a scarf."
"Shut it, Simon."
Rose says goodbye to Riley and walks out of the office with Simon.
"What's going on?" she asks him.
"Nothing much. Just had a meeting with your dad to go over last month's Kirtuks invasion."
"The little bitty people who landed in Dublin?"
"The same. All cleared up now, luckily."
"Where you headed now?" Rose asks.
"Come on." They walk to his office, just down the hall from Riley's. "I just want to take this off." Simon hangs up his suit jacket and removes his tie. Rose sits down and waits for him. It's an easy feeling, being together with friends again. She and Simon were good friends before she went looking for the Doctor last year.
"Something's up," Rose says quietly. "What is it?"
"Haven't seen you for a while." He's trying a little too hard to be casual.
"Been busy," she admits.
"The gym?"
"Not lately." Rose knows he knows this, because they go to the same gym. Or they used to, anyway.
He sighs. "We used to be friends, Rose."
"We still are."
"No. Now you've got him and everything is happy and fine and I'm left alone at the gym."
Rose laughs. "We're still friends."
"It's not the same."
"We see each other all the time. You just had dinner with us."
"Dinner three weeks ago?" He bursts out laughing. "Rose, I would never call that dinner."
"What do you mean?" She worked hard on that dinner.
"The chicken exploded in the roasting pan," he reminds her. "I brought Denise that night. Haven't seen her since."
"Well, if I had dressing explode in my hair, I'd be a bit sore," Rose concedes. "We did apologize."
"Did you get it all off the ceiling?" he asks with a straight face.
She can't help it and succumbs to laughter. "He made a small error with the thermometer. He didn't realize you shouldn't try to improve a device that you stick into your food so that when it heats it lights up."
"Well, at least we know what temperature meat thermometers will explode if treated to various alien bits of radiation."
"It was a good idea, just ahead of its time."
His mouth twists in a half-grin. "I know, Rose. He's bloody brilliant and he's not all human and...and I know how much you love him."
Rose nods, uncomfortable with this train of conversation. Simon watched her cry and rage and scheme for a long time, after she first came to Torchwood. He watched her friendship with Mickey slowly splinter under the strain of the Doctor's shadow. Mickey had still loved her but accepted that it was over. Rose could focus on nothing but the Doctor, and that created tension within Torchwood as well. Simon was the one who held the teams together while Rose worked on the Dimension Cannon. Jake helped keep Mickey together as he tried to argue against using it.
Simon was the one in the Control room who helped Rose shift across parallel worlds. He was the one who let Mickey take the dimension jumpers so he and Jackie could go after Rose last year. He knows what Rose had been trying to do for so long.
Simon also knows this isn't, strictly speaking, the Doctor that Rose and Mickey knew, but he's close enough for him. He respects him and can see it's obvious that he loves Rose as much as she loves him. Whatever they have is still mysterious and unknown to Simon, but for them it works.
Rose shrugs. "What can I do? It's not like I'm going anywhere."
He grins. "Not like he's going to fly away into outer space sometime."
Rose glances away. "No. Of course not."
oOoOo
"Nothing new on the alien rock," Anna reports to the Doctor later that morning. They're in her lab at Torchwood, and she probably won't be calling him daft during this conversation. Unless he does or says something particularly strange, and then she'll tell him off.
The Doctor realizes more and more each day how truly extraordinary Rose Tyler is. She took him on the faith from the very start and never stopped believing in him. Most humans aren't like that, and he knows about humans. Anna likes things to fit in her world and for those things to make sense. Otherwise she gets easily irritated.
The Doctor looks thoughtfully at the chunk of rock. "Let's try to slice it open. Maybe we can find something inside."
"Inside the rock?" Anna asks skeptically. "Are you sure about that? We've already cut this part off of the bigger piece that's still in storage."
He shrugs. "It couldn't hurt."
"All right." Anna packs it in and prepares to go slicing and dicing. "I'll let you now what I find out."
"Have one of the other blokes help you, if you need," he adds on his way out. "I'm going to be tied up today."
oOoOo
Quiet days at Torchwood mean lots of downtime. Taking a break from his project, the Doctor absently turns on the computer to check his company email. Scrolling through the majority - urgent memos from various executives, threats from Accounting regarding expenses, requests to schedule meetings abut past assignments. Nothing urgent there. The Doctor deletes it all.
Hs method of dealing with the bureaucracy that unfortunately comes with the job he loves is to ignore it. The important stuff filters down to him sooner or later. Anything very urgent will come from Pete Tyler himself, or Rose.
As he's logging off the email system, he has a flash of memory from the night before. He'd been sitting on the couch, eating chocolate biscuits and watching the late night talk shows, when he'd glanced over at the side table. Rose subscribes to an odd selection of magazines. Fashion and beauty, conspiracy journals, magazines clearly intended for middle-aged women in the country who walk around wearing tweed. But the one on top had a hot pink cover which all but screamed at you to pick it up. Having done just that, he ignored the scantily-clad cover girl to focus in on the headline. HOW CLOSE IS TOO CLOSE? IS TOGETHERNESS KILLING YOUR LOVE?
He'd snickered and tossed it aside. Now he thinks hard for a moment and slowly, haltingly, types in the magazine's name and finds its website. Thankfully Torchwood is a government entity and the computer systems are top notch. Nothing is restricted because no one knows where aliens will strike next.
He scrolls down the webpage and finds an intriguing quiz. RATE YOUR TOGETHER TIME, it screams in hot pink.
He studies the questions on the web site thoughtfully, pondering each one. He only reads. He does not actually answer them. That would be a step too far. Even now, he's uneasily uncertain whether he's controlling his actions and thoughts or if the part of him that came from Donna is in charge.
It would certainly explain why he's reading women's magazines.
Finally he logs off, and Rose walks in just as he's shutting down the computer.
"Hello," he greets her.
"Hi. What's up? What were you doing?"
"Not much," he says evasively. "What are you doing here?"
She looks surprised. "Came to say hi. Should I go?"
"No, of course not." He studies her for a moment. "You don't feel it's taking a bit from our relationship, do you, this working together?"
"We always spent our time together," she says, puzzled. "Has something changed?"
"No," he says quickly, inwardly cursing the web site, its magazine, and all relationship advice. "I love spending time with you."
"Okay, then." Rose is confused and considers walking out and back in again and starting this conversation over.
"Anyway, I'm glad you're here," he tells her eagerly. "I've something to show you."
"Yeah?" Rose sits down on his chair. "What is it?"
"Watch, Rose Tyler. Watch and appreciate!"
He pulls out a metal tray and flourishes a long silver tube at her.
She smiles in delight. "You built a sonic screwdriver!"
"Can you believe it?" he asks her happily, and somewhat rhetorically. "Finally managed it, even with the shoddy materials I was able to find here."
"Lovely," she says with real appreciation, knowing that he's been missing it.
"And look, it's got all the same proper settings as before."
The Doctor points the sonic at the wall. The tip glows blue and the humming sound is there. And then the wall, quite simply, evaporates.
Into a cloud of smoke.
When the smoke clears there is a hole where the wall used to be. Anna shrieks from across the hall. The sonic blew away the wall in the Doctor's lab and continued on to Anna's across the way.
He stares at the hole in dismay before turning helplessly to look at Rose. The sonic has burned out and is smoking in his hand, causing a contact burn that will take fully three weeks to heal.
Rose shakes her head. "I don't think it's working properly," she comments.