Hold my hand I never thought that I'd recover
She's done it. Made it through another knitting class. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't fun, but it's over. As everyone files out of the room, heading for home, Rose stays behind.
"All right, Rose?" Anna asks.
Rose starts to help her pack up her things. "Yeah. Fine."
"You're getting better," Anna says encouragingly.
"It's okay. You don't have to lie." Rose knows Anna is just being kind.
Anna laughs, a nervous kind of laugh. "I'm not." She maintains her expression for just a few seconds and then loses control. "I'm sorry," she giggles. "You're really not that good, are you?"
"No," Rose says. She's destroyed entire fleets of Daleks and faced down werewolves and black holes. Not being able to knit tow bits of yarn together is not going to crush her.
"It's okay." Anna lifts her bag up and heads for the door. "I'll see you later."
"Bye." Rose watches her leave and then heads back to her office. She sits at her desk and waits approximately 20 minutes. Then she walks out the front entrance, nodding to the security guard on duty in the lobby.
"Evening, Miss Tyler."
"Evening, George."
Rose walks down the street and pauses by the coffee shop that sells the best chocolate biscuits she's ever tasted. Before she can open the door, someone puts their hand on her arm.
"Hello. You ready?"
Rose turns to look at the Doctor. "How about a snack first?"
He rolls his eyes. "Later. Come on."
"Dad's not gonna like us doing this on our own," Rose warns the Doctor.
"We're not on our own. At least, we won't be for long. We're just doing some preliminary work."
"At night. Without telling anyone."
"Let's live a little, Rose."
It's after hours at Torchwood. The building is empty except for the security guard at the front. It's not George - he's already gone home and has been replaced by the night shift. Their security passes let them into the building, and once the guard sees who it is, he shrugs and goes back to his crossword puzzle.
"Hi, Hank," Rose feels compelled to say.
Hank grunts and keeps working his puzzle.
"Come on," the Doctor mutters. "Don't give him anything to remember about us."
Rose allows him to propel her down the hall. "What are you talking about? He knows who we are. He probably thinks we're on a mission or something."
"It's a covert operation tonight, Rose. Let's keep it simple." He stops at the lifts and pushes the up button.
"Where are we heading, anyway?" Rose asks. "This mission is so covert you won't even share it with me."
"Because we only need one mastermind in this operation."
"You wish."
"We're going to Control."
"The Control room? For what?"
He looks at her pityingly. "You humans and your tiny brain capacity."
"You're human, too."
"Half-human," he says. "Never forget that. Control is where all the important stuff is kept. Their computers have records that we can't get to anywhere else."
"We should have just asked my dad."
"Rose, you are seriously disappointing me tonight." The lift doors open. "Come on, Lewis."
The Doctor uses his pass to unlock the Control room door. He turns on the lights and scans the room. "That one." He points to a computer terminal at the far end of the room.
"What's wrong with one of these?" Rose points to a computer close by. She's enjoying herself immensely, and feels it's almost necessary to tease him.
"Farthest from the door. Come on."
Rose sits down and turns on the computer. Once the glow from the monitor is lighting their way, the Doctor turns off the overhead lights.
"Too dark," she complains.
"It's fine. Here. Where are you?"
"Over here in the blue light," she says. "Follow my voice."
"Ah." He's back at her side and pulls up an extra chair. "Can you access the search function without logging in?" Rose has been around Torchwood longer than he has, and she's familiar with the ways of the computers.
"I can from here." Rose gets to the right screen. "Okay. Now what?"
In that search program is information on every alien Torchwood has ever encountered, as well as any person ever involved. If someone is an alien, or just suspected of being one, their name will be here.
"Type in Sam Lively," he says slowly.
Rose sits down and types in the name Sam Lively.
"Nothing," she reports.
"Not at all?"
"Nope."
"Try Janet Jupiter."
Rose does, adding in Janet's real last name when nothing comes up with Jupiter.
"Still nothing," she says. "What was the name of their planet?"
"Nocklyn."
"How do you spell that?"
The Doctor thinks for a moment. "No idea."
They try out various spellings but nothing comes up.
"That's so strange," Rose says. "All these aliens, roaming around England in plain sight, and we don't have anything on file about them. What are the odds of that?"
"Janet said they were trying to keep hidden."
"Yeah, but usually an alien will do something to make himself stand out eventually. A mistake or something."
"We don't know who's behind the disappearances."
"It could be anyone on their council. Or someone else entirely."
"That makes it hard to narrow it down," the Doctor muses. "We need to talk to Janet again."
Rose is already dialing on her mobile. "I'll see if she's home. No time like the present, right?"
oOoOo
They meet Janet at a small pub a few streets away. She's wearing her black coat but has left the sunglasses at home. Even so, Rose can tell that she's tried hard not to appear too obvious.
"Hello," Rose says, sliding into a booth across from her.
"Hi." Janet looks incredibly nervous. Rose can all but feel the tension in her.
"Are you okay?"
Janet swallows hard. "Another of my...friends from home has gone missing. We think it was the same man."
"Why do you think that?"
"He was working with Sam at the movie studio. He wouldn't agree to stop making movies, either. The council sanctioned him and his family but he kept going. He refused to close the studio when Sam disappeared, and now he's gone, too."
"What was his name?" Rose asks gently.
"He called himself Clive. You couldn't pronounce any of our real names."
Rose nods. "I'm sorry. We'll see what we can do."
The Doctor joins them, carrying a basket of chips and a pitcher of Coke. "Here we go." He sets the basket down in front of Rose and Janet and slides in beside Rose. "What did I miss?"
"Another of Janet's friends has gone missing," Rose says.
"I'm sorry. Who was it?"
"Sam's partner."
The Doctor lets out his breath and stares across the room. Rose waits.
"Who do you think is behind this?" he asks Janet. "Do you have any suspicions at all?"
"It could be anyone, Dr. Smith. Anyone here or back on our planet. There are many people who believe that there is no harm in moving to other galaxies, but far more prefer to remain on Nocklyn and leave discovery for other people."
"How many of you are down here, in London?"
Janet thinks for a moment. "Two hundred, perhaps."
"Wow," Rose says. "That's a lot of aliens."
"We don't think of ourselves as aliens," Janet says. "Just...visitors."
"Do you know all of them?" the Doctor asks. "Are you friendly with them?"
"I don't know them all personally. We still try not to get together too much if it's not necessary. I know that many of them work with Sam, or for him. A lot of him act in his movies."
This manages to distract the Doctor. "Really? In those science-fiction films? How many of them are aliens?"
"Focus," Rose says under her breath. "Be a fanboy later."
"A what?" he says blankly.
"We need to meet the people that Sam works with," Rose tells Janet. "They might have more information. They might know where he is."
"Or they might be the ones responsible," the Doctor adds.
Janet nods. "I can do that. Let me call someone right now." She pulls a mobile out of her bag and stands up. "Excuse me."
While they wait for her to return, Rose eats a few chips.
"Do you believe her?" she asks, looking at him.
"Of course. Why would she be lying?"
"I don't know. Maybe she's one who doesn't want them all exposed."
"Then why come to us?" he asks. "We're Torchwood, we're the last ones any of them want hanging around."
"Just thinking of all the angles." Rose pours a glass of Coke for herself, then pours one for him. "Are you thirsty?"
He takes a sip of the drink, shaking his head when she offers him a chip.
"I didn't really think these movies were so much trouble, Rose," he says. "I mean, they were very accurate, but I never dreamed there'd be an alien conspiracy brewing."
She shakes her head. "Life is crazy."
He stretches his arm along the back of the bench, resting it just behind her shoulders. "So what do you think, Lewis?"
Rose chews on another chip. "I think...we ought to go snooping around."
"Excellent!" he says enthusiastically. "We haven't done that in ages. Snoop around where?"
"Well, wherever this Sam bloke was hanging around, yeah? Maybe something will give us a clue. Not like they've gone to the police or anything."
"No, I suppose not." He brings his arm down around her shoulders, hugging her close to him for a moment.
"What?" Rose asks, glancing his way.
He shakes his head slightly. "Nothing. Just got an odd feeling. Like...like what it would feel like to lose you."
"Am I going anywhere?"
"No. You'd better not. Just tried to imagine coming home and you being gone. Disappeared."
Rose looks down at the tabletop. "I've already done that, haven't I?"
He smiles slightly. "I've lost you a few times," he admits. "But you always came back."
She turns and meets his eyes. "Of course I did," she says simply. "You couldn't keep me away from you. No one could."
"But if someday you didn't come back...I don't know what I would do."
"You would find me, I hope," she says softly.
He looks at her. "Would you want me to?"
Her mouth opens in astonishment. Before she can reply, Janet is back.
"One of Sam's assistants said that you can look through his office for any clues that might be around. No one's gone in since he's disappeared."
"Okay," Rose says, struggling to move past the Doctor's last statement. "When can we go?"
"Well, the thing is," Janet pauses. "No one wants to be seen as being involved. We're all afraid that we'll be discovered and exposed. But if you're there, at the studio, looking around, well, that would be all right."
"You want us to sneak into the studio?" the Doctor asks.
"Well, no. Actually, yes. That's what it sounds like. But he can tell you himself. He's on his way here."
"Hello," a man says from beside their booth. Rose and the Doctor both jump.
"Hi, Derek." Janet slides over to make room for him. He's a tall man with brown hair and blue eyes, fairly average and no one you'd look twice at.
"I'm Derek," he says quietly, glancing around. "Sam Lively's personal assistant."
"How did you get here so quickly?" the Doctor asks. "Janet just called you."
He looks a little uncomfortable. "I don't live too far away. And we can move quite quickly when we want to."
"Alien physiology," the Doctor says in understanding. "Well, that's just fascinating. I always like to hear what abilities other-" He stops talking as Rose kicks him on the shin. He clears his throat.
"I'm the Doctor. This is Rose. What did you assist Sam with?"
"His work. I helped him think through plots, deal with the writers and casts, make appointments..."
"He's a personal assistant," Janet says. "He assisted."
"I don't know what happened. Sam didn't come into the studio one morning. We were due to start filming a new movie. He never showed up."
"Did you go looking for him?" the Doctor asks.
"Of course! He wasn't at his flat, or the office, or anywhere else he normally goes. He's just gone. And now so is Clive. The studio is still open for now, but I don't know how much longer we can go on without Sam. He was the lifeblood of the place."
"Can you get us into his office?" the Doctor asks.
Derek nods. "We all know one another, it's a small community. You can't be seen with me or people will get suspicious."
"We can take care of that," Rose assures him.
Janet and Derek leave soon after. Rose and the Doctor sit at the booth, hands on the table, looking at the basket of chips between them.
"So," Rose begins. Her voice cracks a bit, and she's mortified to realize that she's very close to thinking about crying.
He sighs. "Rose, I didn't mean it."
"You think I'm just gonna get up one day and disappear," she says softly, staring at the chips and nothing else. "You think if he ever comes back I'll fly away with him and leave you here."
"That's not what I said," he says, so quietly it's hard to hear him over the din of the pub.
"No, Doctor? Then what did you say?"
"I'd miss you if you were gone."
"You asked if I would want you to look for me. Well, let me tell you." Rose turns her head to look at him. "If I ever disappear, you better look very hard for me. Because I won't have left you on my own."
He nods. "I'm sorry."
"Don't you trust me? Don't you have any faith in me at all? In us?"
The break in her voice nearly crushes him. He's never, ever wanted to hurt her, and it seems he does that all the time.
"Rose, please. Of course I do."
"Then why are you so afraid of my going? I've told you I'm staying with you forever."
"Do you at least understand why I worry? Do you at least understand why I think that way?"
"I do. I do. Do you understand why I worry about you leaving me?"
By the look on his face it's clear that he's never given that a thought. "Why would I leave you?" He sounds bewildered.
"To...to roam and travel and see what's out there!"
"I would rather be dead than leave this life with you."
She sniffs. "Don't say that. I've seen you die."
He shrugs. "It's more serious now that I can't regenerate. Rose, I will never leave."
"I won't leave you," she counters. "Can we believe each other and drop the entire subject now? It's getting a bit old, honestly."
"I've seen what's out there. I prefer what's right here." He slides his hand around the back of her neck. "I love you, Rose."
She closes her eyes for a moment to hide the tears. "I love you, too," she manages.
He smiles tentatively at her. "Do you want to go home?"
She smiles. "Yeah."
oOoOo
"How did knitting go tonight?" he asks her in bed. They're lying together in the dark, her head resting on his shoulder. Rose is holding his burned hand in her own, cradling it in her palm.
"Not too bad," she says. "Still can't do it at all, but Anna thinks I'm getting better."
"Are you?"
She chuckles softly. "No. I hate it."
"So why do you keep going back?"
"Have you met Anna? She can be pretty scary."
"Oh, she's harmless. If you don't want to knit, then don't go."
"I went tonight so I could hang out in the building. Per your instructions, remember? Make sure the coast was clear."
"You did an excellent job of it."
She thumps him on the chest. "Quit."
He pretends that it hurts to be polite and brings his free hand up to brush her hair out of her eyes. "I got a call from Sally while you were knitting."
Rose makes a face. "What'd she say?"
"She has a few more houses for us to look at. She's emailing us a link to them."
"We can look at them tomorrow."
"You sound sleepy," he observes. "Are you tired?"
"Bit of a long day."
"Close your eyes," he tells her. "I'm right here."
He feels raw and empty inside. Not because of anything Rose has done, but because he's the reason for the look of worry she gets sometimes. She doesn't believe that he wants to be with her. How to make her believe that will have to be his mission. He lies awake next to her for most of the night, trying to let her know that even asleep, he's staying put.
oOoOo
It's eleven o'clock in the morning and things are not going well. They were sent out on a mission to recover an alien artifact from a crash site. Totally routine, totally normal. They're geared up and are ready to load the artifact and take it back to Torchwood.
As Rose and Jake unearth it, the Doctor snaps pictures of the site with a camera. It's a nice day out, and they're in an open field with very little cover.
"Come on," he urges them. "Before someone comes by and starts asking questions."
"They'll figure it out," Jake says. "Three people all in black, holding guns and cameras?"
"We'll tell them we're on a reality show," Rose suggests. She's on her knees in the dirt, digging with a small tool to unearth a small glowing object. "I see it!"
The Doctor bends down. "That glowing thing?"
"Looks like a ball."
"A sphere," he corrects her absently. "Interesting."
Jake opens up a containment box. "Ready?"
Rose reaches for it. As she sets it in the box, sparks start to fly and the sphere is enveloped in a bright light. Startled, Rose drops it. The box falls from Jake's hands. The Doctor drops the camera and dives for the box. The edge of the containment unit hits him in the middle of his injured palm. Swearing, he lets go of the box. Rose tries to catch it and manages to get only half. The sphere falls to the ground, rolls a few feet away, and shatters.
All three of them let out a yell and dive for cover, shielding their heads with their arms.
oOoOo
"Well?" a voice asks him from far, far away. "Are you alive or not?"
He groans.
"That sounds alive to me," the voice says cheerfully.
He cracks his eyes open. "Owen?"
"Dr. Owen Harper. Nice to meet you." The Torchwood doctor is standing there, looking down at him. He's in his white lab coat and looks perfectly normal. Only he's not supposed to be there.
"We've met. What happened?"
"Can you tell me your name?"
"I'm the Doctor." He tries to sit up and is pushed back down.
"Close enough," Owen says, and shines a light into his eyes. "Do you remember what happened?"
"What happened? We were out in the field. There was a box."
"Correct." Owen checks the Doctor's pulse. "It exploded. We're working on seeing what happened. No one even knows what it is yet. Luckily another team was nearby. They were able to pick you all up and contain the scene without civilians getting all curious."
The Doctor is still struggling to figure out what he's doing there. "They brought us back to Torchwood. Am I injured?"
"Nothing serious." Own steps back and regards him with satisfaction. "You're relatively okay. For an alien, anyway."
"Half-human," the Doctor corrects him. "Where am I?" He looks around as he asks the question, recognizing the medical wing. He feels sore in spots but it's nothing major. Nothing at all, really, compared to -
"Rose?" he asks anxiously. "Is she all right?"
"She's fine. She'll be better once the blindness wears off."
The Doctor feels, quite simply, like his stomach has dropped out of his body. "What?" he whispers.
"Temporary blindness. Jake is suffering the same effects. You must have looked away in time."
The Doctor shakes his head. "I wasn't trying to. I...Where's Rose?"
Rose is lying in bed in a small white room in the medical wing. The medical personnel he passes on the way there all shoot quick looks at him, like they know something he doesn't. He enters the room slowly, looking around. There are machines standing next to Rose, some of them beeping, but none of them look too sinister. He looks at her, lying helpless, and his heart lurches.
He moves to the side of the bed, wanting to touch her but afraid to. "Rose?" he whispers.
She turns her head and smiles. "Hello."
She looks so pale lying there, her face bleached of color. There are bandages over her eyes, mean to promote faster healing, he was told.
"Are you okay?"
"Are you joking?"
"Sorry. Are you in pain?"
"No. I think they gave me something for that. My dad was just here. He sounded upset." Rose doesn't mention that Pete was nearly in tears.
"Your mum will be here as soon as she hears," he says.
She makes a face. "Just what I need right now, yeah?"
He reaches out and gently touches her face. "Does it hurt?"
"Not really. Just can't see."
"If I hadn't dropped it," he says, "this wouldn't have happened."
"Remember that talk we had?" she asks him. "About you not getting that guilt complex every time something happens? The world is not your responsibility anymore."
"No. But you are."
"I'm fine."
He traces her cheek with a fingertip. "I'm not."
oOoOo
He stays beside her bed all that night and into the next morning. He managed to sneak away for a few moments to check on Jake, who was recovering his vision and was eager to go home and rest by himself.
Later that morning Owen removes the bandages from Rose's eyes. She blinks in the light and looks around.
"Doctor?"
"I'm here, Rose."
"What do you see?" Owen shines a light into her eyes.
"Some light. Not very bright."
"Anything else?" Owen asks.
She's blinking and frowning, trying to force her eyes into focus.
"Don't try too hard," Owen says. "Give it a minute."
Beside the bed the Doctor waits, heart frozen, lungs refusing to work. He's holding her hand very tightly.
Finally Rose looks surprised. Turning her head, she meets the Doctor's eyes. "I can see you," she tells him. "You look awful."
He laughs and hugs her tightly, hiding his face against her hair so they can't see the sudden tears in his eyes.