A/N: Thanks for everything, everyone!

And I am SO sorry for not updating. I seriously, truly am. I have had this chapter started for so long, but I got so busy with my other fanfics, and then school started, and I've just been swamped with everything. I just want you to know I have not given up on this fic, and I hope to update again soon.

So, please forgive me, and I hope you enjoy the JxS in this chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Mediator… -sob-

This Is Now, For Now

Chapter Seven

I was crying.

No, it was more like sobbing. Yes, sobbing into my pillow, rolling around on comforter of my bed, just letting my sorrow go in the form of fat, salty tears.

It was one of those cries where you just put your whole soul and being into it. All the stress, all the worries, all the anger in your life. It all goes into those huge shoulder-shaking sobs. It was a good cry, where you could be crying about things that didn't even have anything to do with what initially got you sobbing like a baby. A self-cleansing technique, no doubt thought up by the Big Man himself.

In conclusion, that was what you could find me doing the afternoon after that horrific day at the movies. For more than a few reasons.

One, the most important to circumstance, I failed to exorcise Maria. And two, the most important to me, Jesse didn't believe me.

I didn't see how he could just stand there and soak in Maria's story like a sponge. I didn't see how he so easily just disregarded my claim that Maria could see Josefina, and she was only pretending the whole time. I didn't see how he didn't eye the truth when I was dangling it right in front of his face.

Just thinking of this, skimming over the finer details of what happened only a few hours prior, was enough to send me bawling some more into the tear soaked pillow.

Was this heartbreak? I didn't really know. Sure, I cried for the many times he didn't call, or write a letter addressed to my house, or send a simple word my way. But this was totally different.

There was a heavy weight on my chest, pushing me down, closer and closer to the earth. A searing pain shot through my lungs every time I took a single shallow breath to keep my body functioning. And I couldn't stop crying as I replayed his words through my head, over and over again.

Was this heartbreak? I was pretty sure it was.

When I walked through the door to my house, nobody had asked where I had been, or why I had come home with the soles of my shoes worn nearly to the thinness of tissue paper. Or questioned why my hair was sticking and splayed out across my cheeks like a wild woman, or why there was no backpack over my shoulder like when I had left.

David expressed a little concern as I passed his bedroom, but once I slammed my door, it became pretty clear I didn't want to talk to anyone. Especially someone who was still staring in blank shock at my departure from the movie theater.

This thought only brought on a new wave of pain that choked me even more, and I buried my head deeper into the covers of my bed. The sight of my room disgusted me right now. The vibrant colors, so happy and uplifting, when all I wanted to do was wallow in self-pity until I was too drained of emotion to think anymore.

Even though I could barely keep my head from being rattled with a heavy sob, there was a small nagging worry tugging at my nerves. Chirping in this little annoying voice, "Maria's still with Brad! They're together at the movies! He's in mortal danger every second that you're wasting your time away crying!"

But I only told it to shut up. Because it didn't really matter right now.

All that did was that I cried my love for Jesse out of me and hoped I never felt those feelings when I saw him again.

But, hope all I might, I could never do that. The psychic's words, back from when I visited that carnival with Gina, rang throughout my head. One love. For the rest of my life. She was right about the contact with the spiritual world part, so I didn't doubt that the second part was true too.

I could still wish, and try, even if it would kill me in the process.

There was a soft knock on my door. Not wanting any excuse for anyone to tease me – especially if it was Brad – I hastily wiped my eyes on the comforter. Then, in the least shaky voice I could muster, called, "Yeah?"

My mom's head appeared around the door, smiling down at me in a sympathetic way. I didn't know if David had told her how I looked when I came crashing in the front door, or if she had just formed her own assumptions, but Mom always seemed to know what I was thinking, and the exact things to do in the process.

"Honey?" she said in a soft voice. "You have a visitor. Should I tell – "

I shook my head rapidly. If it was Maria come back to kill me, then I wasn't turning her down just for another excuse to continue the chase all over again. "No. You can tell them to come on in."

Mom nodded her head, gave me another small smile, and opened up the door wider. I sat up on my bed, straightening out my clothes, and readied myself for whoever was standing next to my mom in the hallway.

But of course, who else would it be but Jesse de Silva? The one person I absolutely didn't want to see right now?

Surprisingly, though, he didn't look happy, or expressionless, or even thoughtful. The expression on his face was torn. Completely and utterly torn. His mouth was turned downward into a permanent sad frown, and his eyes were downcast, not their usual shade of deep brown.

There wasn't really any way to put it. He seemed broken to me. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was even more broken than I was.

My mother shut the door on us – obviously not tuned into my current status with Jesse or the scowl planted on my face as soon as I saw him – but he just kept staring forward. Into space, into the air, into nothing, with that heartbroken expression on his face that must've mirrored mine.

"Susannah," he breathed quietly, and my breath caught in my throat. How much I missed the way he said my full name. It sent shivers up my spine, even though I thought I had just cried my whole being out, leaving an empty shell.

Obviously not.

"What are you doing here?" I asked quietly. I didn't know why I wasn't screaming at him like I had in the movie theater, full of anger and rage. I should have been screaming. But, the cry had taken all my strength, so I could only whisper.

He shook his head, still staring into the unknown.

I bowed my head, not knowing what to do. He was here, and he didn't even know why. By the way his brow was slightly furrowed, I knew he was fighting some kind of hard internal battle. Against what was right and wrong, possibly. He was thinking, and I could only wonder about what.

"I want to tell you everything," he said quietly. And I could only sit there. What good would it do for him to tell me what he wanted to do? That would only throw my imagination into overdrive, the endless possibilities swirling in my brain.

I shook my head. "That's not good enough," I whispered, my voice shaking a little. "Especially after…" I trailed off. It was too painful, too raw a wound to relive the moments only a couple hours past. Too… heartbreaking. Again.

He seemed to be going from one thought to the next, figuring stuff out and putting puzzle pieces together in his mind. "I don't understand why Maria is here."

"It doesn't matter why," I said. "What matters is that she gets gone."

Jesse came over to sit next to me on my bed. He was still staring into vacant space, eyes calculating something I didn't know and couldn't guess. God knew what he was doing, just staring like that. But, something must've snapped in him, somewhere, because the next thing I knew was something I hadn't expected.

He dropped his head into his hands and took a shuddering breath.

Okay. I know I don't like to cry. But if there is one thing that is worse than me crying, it's seeing other people cry. It just makes me tear up inside, watching someone else pour their heart's emotions out in front of me. Other people, as in, Jesse de Silva.

And when I heard that shuddering breath, that's when I knew that Jesse was seriously close to crying. He was always that hard rock in my life, as a ghost and human. Even though the tides had changed in the last couple months, he hadn't cried or strayed from the strong mental picture I formed. Until now.

I laid one awkward hand on his back and said, "Umm… Jesse? It's okay."

He lifted his head and, with weary eyes, looked at me with such a heartbroken gaze I didn't know what to do. It's as if when a person who is so broken looks at you, it's impossible to look away, like their brokenness proves you are not the only one in the world. Or maybe you're just amazed at how broken one person can get.

Either way, you can't look anywhere else but their eyes.

He shook his head, the gesture painful from the amount of effort it was probably taking not to cry, and said, "No, Susannah. It's not okay. It's not okay at all."

I shrugged my shoulders and took the hand from his back. He seemed stable enough to hold his own now, wiping one hand over his face and straightening up on the bed. "So? I know it's not okay. But I'll still say it's okay anyway."

Jesse laughed. I never thought I'd be happier to hear that in my life. I let out a little breathy one, even though I was supposed to hate him right now and just toss him down to the ground. He stared out of the window across from my bed, where the window seat was. I stared out that way too, at the sun setting slowly below the ocean.

And, what he did next, I will question for the rest of my life.

He took my hands.

Reached over, clasped both of my hands in one of his large ones, and held them. His touch – it felt so good after all these months without it. His hands were warm, just like always, and it gave me a sense of comfort, temporarily making me forget there was any pain between us.

For about thirty seconds, until I built up the courage to speak.

"Jesse…" I started, turning to face him. He put that liquid black gaze on me. His face looked so serious, which was really fitting to the moment, if you ask me. "Jesse, what are you doing?" I asked softly.

He let out a frustrated sigh. It was like he didn't know how he was going to phrase the next question. I waited patiently for him to figure it out, him holding my hands, just staring out at the sun that was sinking in the sky. My room was getting darker by the second.

"I… need to ask you something," he finally said when there was only a sliver of sunlight in the room. "It's big, and I doubt you'll listen to me but – "

"Just ask me," I said, my voice cool and composed. Which was quite weird, since my voice should have been husky from all the crying I had been doing before Jesse's arrival. "You're not doing any good by beating around the bush."

He took a deep breath, turned towards the sun, and said, "I need you to trust me."

It was like a knife in the back. Yes, a sharpened knife driving right through my spine. A backstab. I jerked my hands from his and just stared at him with an incredulous expression on my face, eyes wide and everything.

How could he ask that? How?

His face immediately morphed into an expression of guilt, and he lowered his eyes to stare at his now empty hands. Only the numbness of shock, repulsion, confusion, frustration, anger was keeping me from slapping him across his face and then storming out of my own bedroom. The way he said that…

"I knew you would act like this," he said and raised his head, "but you have to believe me when I say that you have to trust me, Susannah."

I took a deep, shuddering breath to calm my raging nerves. It didn't help one bit. I briefly closed my eyes and willed myself to not send my eyes into crying again.

Because once you cry a lot for a long time, the littlest things can set you off. A homeless man on the street, your stolen pen, tripping up the stairs when nobody's looking. It's as if the whole world is on your shoulders, and anything off-balance can tip it over.

And I was pretty sure this was a sure tip to one side that I didn't want to go.

When I opened my clear eyes again, Jesse was looking at me with a pain-stricken face. Not the worst I had seen, but there was a tinge of hope in the crinkling of his eyes. Why hope? He seriously thought he had hope, in asking me to…

Trust him. Put everything that had been broken, tape it back together, and hand it right over to him. He had already failed my trust once before; what was there to say that he wouldn't break it again?

And why would he ask me now? At this moment, this time?

I took a deep breath, steadied myself as much as I could. But my voice still broke and shook as I answered, "How? How, Jesse?"

He leaned closer to my face, and for one wild moment I thought he was going to kiss me. But then I realized that it was silly, and he was only leaning in to make a point that I was far past hearing. His exhale met my face, and I smelled his sweet breath, just like it was those few blissful months before he went to college.

"I can't tell you why," he pleaded. "These things are too complicated for me to say. But… but please, Susannah, you have to trust me. If something happens… trust me that it will be all right."

And, then, Jesse de Silva was crying.

Well, not sobbing. But there were tears, tears of pure sadness, rippling in his eyes, making them looking more liquid than ever. But he held my gaze, kept it locked dead-set on mine, which were wide-eyed and tearing by just seeing him in such excruciating pain.

He hurt me, but that didn't mean I reveled in his loss.

Something was going on. I didn't know what it was, but something so terrifying, so horrible, so painful was taking place in Jesse right now. And, it seemed like that something was over me. Jesse de Silva, the person who never cried, was tearing up in my bedroom.

Because of me.

"Jesse…" My voice came out sounding harsher than I meant it to. I just kept staring into his eyes, not knowing what else to do. What else to say. It was one of those moments when the single rock in your life turns out to be nothing more than a crumble of dust. "Jesse… I…."

He tilted his face upwards to face me. "You have every reason not to trust me, and I know that. But, Susannah, to save your life… you have to. You have to trust me, and know whatever happens, I'll save you."

And he gathered up one of my hands again and brought it to his tear-stained lips with the slightest pressure. My stomach wanted to float into heaven; it was the first contact with lips that we had had since forever, it seemed to me. But the hesitant way he did it, the careful way, as if this was the last possible time he would see me, made me scared.

The way he was talking, I could be gone in the next second. 'I'll save you.' It was like I was in mortal danger, some kind of weird death where I would perish on the spot due to some unknown force. He wanted to repair my trust, just for a short amount of time, so that he could make me calmer, make me to believe everything was going to be okay when it obviously wasn't.

I didn't have any inkling of danger I was in, but all I knew was that the fact that Jesse was trying to be beside me for it. He was going to try and protect me. At least, he wanted me to trust in him, have me believe that he would be there for everything.

And I knew that Jesse de Silva didn't beg for anything. He was taught to earn it by hard work. But if my trust couldn't be earned by hard work, and he was forced to beg for it…

Then what kind of freaky danger was I in?

"Jesse," I said, keeping my hand in his palm. It was so warm and comforting, different from when he was a ghost; I could never get used to him being so completely and wholly human. "What… kind of danger am I in? Why do you need me to trust you?"

He looked me in the eyes, our tear-filled ones making a complicated connection with each other. "I wish I could tell you. Nombre de Dios, I wish you weren't even in this position. But I can't tell you, Susannah. Just know that I love you, you're only one I've ever loved, and I'll protect you."

Back up. He loved me? After he ignored me for so long, after he didn't call or answer my letters or anything, after all the pain and agony that he had put me through? I was so sure, so, so sure that he hated me now, that the flame had faded. Anything and everything we shared was gone, I was sure.

But, apparently, that was all changing right now.

On one end, I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream at him, and reject his love, and be stubborn and yell that he was lying, and that I didn't deserve what he put me through, and I'd never forgive him. I wanted to make him feel how I felt so long ago, all those months of silence. I wanted him to feel my pain.

But the way, that hopeful way he was looking at me, like I was the only thing that was keeping him grounded, broke my heart. In reality, I was cheering at his words on the inside, screaming, "He loves me! He still loves me!" And I wanted to tell him I loved him too, wanted to make everything okay like it was before he left. But that could never, ever happen.

"Jesse… I…" I struggled with what to say. What I truly wanted and what I needed were two totally different things that were seriously conflicting now. "I… I can try to trust you. But I need more time to come to love you again.

He nodded, taking my other hand. His touch was gentle, understanding. As if he knew what I was going through. Which he honestly didn't. "I know. I can give you that time. But whatever you believe about me not loving you… I always have, Susannah. I want you to know that."

I nodded, letting my hair fall into my face. I never felt so helpless in my life as I did now. I mean, apparently, I was in mortal danger, my ex-boyfriend loved me, and Maria de Silva was living in the body of a high school graduate. There was a lot on my plate right now, and I seriously didn't know how to deal with it.

But I did know of one thing that would make me feel a little bit safer in the world that was beginning to topple right now.

"Jesse," I said, "could you, um, stay with me tonight? I know you can't tell me what's going on, but… I'm scared. I don't know what could possibly be so dangerous that you'd have to beg for my trust. But… I'd feel better if I had someone by my side tonight."

And, without a word, Jesse scooped me up in his arms and laid me down on my bed. Then he curled up next to me, wrapping those strong arms so they wrapped around me like a blanket. It was like that huge weight was finally lifted off my chest, like I could breathe with relief once again, and not worry about the potential unknown threat to my life.

"Go to sleep, Susannah," he whispered into my hair. "Just know that I'm here. This is now, for now."

And with those words, my eyelids closed and I buried into Jesse's soft warm chest, forgetting everything that was coming up in the future and just living in the moment, remembering when nothing was wrong and we both loved each other endlessly. Because this was now, for now.

A/N: Please review. I'd appreciate it so much. :)