Sam stood up, stretching her back. These hospital chairs were murder on her back. Then again, she thought wryly. Entering her third trimester was probably also murder on her back. The combination of the two, however, was not pretty.
"Sam…"
She looked up to find Lena standing there, looking as weary as she felt.
"Lena."
"How's Jack doing?"
"He's asleep, but he's getting better…" She said, as the baby kicked. She rubbed her belly as she sat back down.
"How about you and Nick?
Lena rubbed the bridge of her nose, trying to relieve some of the pressure that was finding its place to the forefront of her brain.
"That bad, huh?" Sam asked, studying her friend.
"It's not that it's necessarily bad…I just…"
"It's okay, I understand."
"Yeah, you probably do."
"It's a big change. Just remember that he's dealing with a lot more than you can even imagine right now."
"Thanks." Lena said, preparing to walk away in her wavering emotion.
"Lena!"
The words had not come from Sam's lips, and both women turned to find Jack awake on the bed.
"Jack!" Sam said, reaching a hand to clasp his.
"Sam." He said, acknowledging her sacrifice to be with him, but the look in his eyes indicated to her that it was important that he speak with Lena.
"I'll go and see how Cassie and Liam are doing." Sam said, standing.
"No, you're fine, I was just about to go…" Lena began.
"Let me know how they are…especially Liam, will you?" Jack asked, his voice raspy.
Sam nodded as she left the room.
"Have a seat."
"Look, I don't want to tire you…"
"Lena, this has made me tired for almost fifteen years."
She was consequently shut up.
"Look, at the beginning of the program, Sam was taken as a Tok'ra host against her will, much like Nick."
Lena snorted in derision.
"What?" Jack asked, the usual teasing gone from his voice. He was completely serious.
"Against his will? I wish you could see him right now…he doesn't want to get rid of the damn thing!"
"Lena, imagine getting married…albeit unexpectedly…but more than just agreeing to share your life with someone, you share your mind, your body, your soul…you may not be able to bear parting with someone you know that intimately."
She turned, tears straining to fall down her cheeks. "Lena, he's got that plus some more…this symbiote has most likely blended with at least a dozen other people, and each time that happened, the symbiote shared and extracted memories. He's got remnants of each of those people within him. It's not just something that he can 'give up.'"
"So, you're saying that I just have to live with this?" She asked, surprisingly without resentment or any other derogatory emotion.
"Not exactly." Jack said, as he reached for her hand. "Sit down, please. I have to tell you something."
She did as she was told, allowing Jack's firm, though weak, hand to guide her to the chair.
"When we finally realized what had happened, we captured Sam and put her in the brig. I was asked to talk to her." Lena gasped and Jack shrugged. "Actually, ordered was probably the best term for what happened there. Anyway, Teal'c told me not to see Samantha, he told me to insult the goa'uld, and to realize that Sam was probably already gone."
Lena could tell that this man, whose emotions were normally rock-solid, was having a difficult time recounting the experience. He was close to tears.
"I listened to him…I…I left her when she needed me the most."
"You…you didn't know what to think." Lena replied, almost defensively. She wasn't sure if she was defensive for him or for herself.
"I thought the symbiote was trying to prey upon my weakness…"
He could still hear Sam's desperate voice. "Oh God, he's telling you the truth! Please, Jack, no Jack, please, don't leave me, please, give me a chance! Don't leave me like this! Please!"
Lena felt her throat constrict. It was so much like her own confrontation with Nick and…Iandrum?
"Lena, I left her after that. I left her alone when she reached out to me. And though I hated the Tok'ra for that, I hated myself even more. I vowed that no matter what, she would never be left like that again."
"Have you ever left her since?"
"No." He said, gazing at her with almost all-seeing brown orbs. "Don't make the same mistake that I did."
"I don't know how I can live like…"
"I doubt Nick will choose the symbiote over his own family, but you don't want to be the one to force him to make that choice."
"No." She whispered.
"I didn't think so. Let him figure what he needs to do…but try not to push him."
She smiled a weak smile. "Thanks, Jack."
He shrugged. "I've been there…Sam's been there…we're all there for each other."
"Thanks anyway."
"You're welcome." He said, a smile on his lips. "Now…if you wouldn't mind sending my wife in on your way out, I'd appreciate it…"
Lena smiled. "It would be my pleasure."
--
"Hey." Sam said, as she sat down in the observation room alongside Cassie.
"Hi." Cassie said, turning to look at the older woman. Tears streaked her cheeks and she quickly turned her head to hide them. "I just needed a minute."
"Well, he's asleep…I think he'll forgive you for taking one."
"I thought I'd be ready for this…I was ready for him to pull away from me, but I didn't expect him to literally push me away."
"Cassie, it was a flashback…he didn't know what he was doing. He didn't know who you were."
"I know…and that part, I'm fine with…but…no one seems to understand that I need to be with him as much as he needs me to be with him."
"Have you tried telling anyone?"
"Yes. My mother, and right afterwards, I got this…" She said, indicating her wrist.
"Ouch."
"And it wasn't even Liam's fault…it was mine."
"How do you figure?"
"I fought the airmen as they tried to take me away."
"Was this after Liam tried to shove you out of the way?"
"Yes. But it wasn't his fault."
"Cassie, none of us are saying that it is. What we're saying is that you can't sacrifice your safety for his emotional needs."
Cassie looked down. "How long did you sit by Jack?"
Sam was taken by surprise. "Huh?"
"He's awake, isn't he? How long did you stay with him?"
"I've been there since he came in three days ago."
"And now he's awake…"
"Yes. He needed to talk to Lena."
"You all stay around for each other, yet none of you will let me do the same for the man who means as much to me as your husbands mean to you." Cassie said, looking at her hands. "I know this seems too fast…and it certainly is if I take you, Jack, Mom and Daniel for examples, but…I know that I love him. And I want to spend the rest of my life with him…all he has to do is ask."
Sam didn't respond, sensing that there was more to her plea.
"He's not going to ask if he doesn't think he deserves me. And he won't know how I feel if you keep throwing me out of his room."
"You're serious, aren't you?" Sam asked quietly.
"Dead serious."
"I'll see what I can do. Okay? I'm not making any promises, but…I'll see if I can't extend the visitor's hours…"
"Thanks."
Sam smiled as she stood. "No problem. I know what it's like."
Lena appeared in the doorway. "Sam? Jack would like to see you."
Sam chuckled. "Back to the beck and call of my husband…just like that…"
"You've never been at Jack's beck and call…" Cassie teased. "At least, not unwillingly…"
"Hey! Watch it…" Sam said, a teasing gleam in her eye.
Lena hesitated as Sam left the room, and she moved to do the same, but Cassie stopped her. "You're confused."
She turned, somewhat surprised. "Yeah."
"I could sense that…" She said, a slight chuckle in her voice as she returned her gaze back to Liam.
"Well, it seems like you're not the only psychic around…" Lena said, dryly as she sat in the chair that Sam had just vacated.
"Nick'll come around."
"I know…but this is just putting a strain on our relationship."
"It'll take a while for obvious reasons…"
"I know…I just…I wish I knew when this whole thing would be over."
"It's just beginning, Lena."
"Huh?"
Cassie looked at the other woman intently. "I wasn't talking about Nick's symbiote." She said, simply.
"You weren't?"
"No…I was talking about Australia."
Lena tensed.
"No, he didn't tell me…I'm psychic, remember? This is really important to you."
"Yeah." She admitted softly.
"It'll take him some time. They symbiote may be able to cure physical ailments, but Nick's spirit is healing right now too…You'll know when he's ready to make peace with his past."
Lena just stared at Cassie. She had known so much…she'd understood their situation so well…
"Bella."
That one word, coming from the heavily medicated lips of the lieutenant in the isolation room forced Cassie to stand. "I have to…"
"Go." Lena finished.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
As Cassie hurried out the door, she turned. "Trust me. You'll know when it's time for you to take things into your own hands."
For some reason, those words chilled Lena to the very core.
--
He buttoned up his shirt with a somewhat dejected aura surrounding him.
You know, you could actually talk to her. Iandrum pointed out.
You know just as well as I do that she wouldn't even let me in the same room with her… Nick reprimanded his symbiote.
Maybe all that matters is the thought…
You don't know my wife!
Yes, Nicholas, I DO know your wife…as well as you know her, and possibly even better since I have more insight into the life of females than you do!
Well, if you know my wife, then I have gained insight into the life of females…
You would if you would just open your mind to it… The Tok'ra retorted.
I don't have time for this…
What? You've got some place to be?
You're a pain in the neck…ya know that?
Thank you.
That wasn't a compliment.
The symbiote tapped into his nervous system and delivered a nasty shock to him.
OW! That bloody hurt!
Want me to do it again?
NO!
Well, then…compliment accepted.
Daniel walked into the room just then to find the surly look on Nick's face. "Something wrong?"
"No, Daniel…everything's just fine."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Not particularly."
"Come on, Nick…what happened last time you didn't want to talk?"
"Daniel…" He warned.
"All I'm saying is that your relationship with Lena is hanging in the balance again."
"And you don't think I know that?"
You don't seem to… Iandrum noted.
Shut up.
"Look…she's worried about you…and there's nothing worse for worry than closed lines of communication…believe me…"
"What? Have you been down this road before?" Nick asked, sarcastically.
"No." Daniel answered quite truthfully.
"Then stay out of it."
"Look…Sam and Jack have been here…and I've been on the side that Lena's on…"
"Daniel…I'm tired of this…you all are trying to help, but the cold, hard truth is that my wife can't love me with this snake in my head."
He received another zap from Iandrum. "Dammit, Ian! Knock it off!"
Daniel looked at his friend, sadly. "I never told you about Sha're, did I?"
"No, I don't believe you did." Nick said, sitting, somewhat resentfully.
"She was my wife…" Daniel said, wistfully.
"Your wife?" Nick asked, suitably surprised.
"I married her after the first Abydos mission. I stayed for a year or so with the Abydonian people for her…not that she had to twist my arm…" He said, a wry smile on his face as he remembered those days.
"When Jack and the rest of the team went back to Earth, after we killed Ra, we buried the Gate. But then I got curious…" He said, sounding almost bitter. "I had them unbury the Gate. Jack, Sam, Kawalsky, Ferretti, and the rest of the team came through…and while I was off, I don't know, bragging about what I'd found, Apophis came through the Stargate, took my wife and her brother, and killed a number of the Abydonians."
Apophis…that doesn't sound good…
What do you mean?
Let's just say…he likes to be surrounded by pretty things…
WHAT?
"By the time we tracked Apophis down, he had implanted my wife with a goa'uld symbiote."
Nick's eyebrows shot up. "A Goa'uld? Not a Tok'ra?"
"No…her symbiote was Amaunet. She mated with Apophis, and they had a child."
This story is just getting better and better…
Hey, this is Apophis…I could show you images, but trust me…you don't want to see them!
"A child?" Nick asked, suddenly, able to feel more of his friend's pain.
"Yeah…"
"Wow…"
"I hated what had been done to her, I hated the beings who had done this to her, but, I never hated Sha're. Just like Lena still loves you. She just hates watching you slip slowly away from her. Just like I hated watching that happen to Sha're."
"Thanks, Daniel." Nick said, standing up. "I'll keep that in mind."
The archaeologist watched his friend leave, unsure of whether or not what he had just said had really sunk into Nick's mind. For the sake of Nick and Lena's relationship, he hoped that it had.
--
Nick walked thoughtfully toward the elevator, hoping to get out and at least breathe some fresh air. The concrete walls were starting to make him feel like a prisoner. "Nick!"
"Sam." He greeted, curtly, as he remembered the look he'd gotten from her when she'd had him arrested.
"Are you okay?" She asked, cautiously.
"Why does everyone ask me that? I'm fine!" He snapped
"Probably because you're not acting like yourself." Sam said, honestly. "Usually, you would have a smile on your face, and you wouldn't be that curt."
"I'm sorry…I just got a…" He stopped. He'd been about to say 'snake' but he didn't want another shock. "I just got a Tok'ra symbiote, by no fault of my own, and my wife isn't speaking to me now!"
"I know how you feel." Sam said, sympathetically.
"You and everyone else on the base." He muttered under his breath.
Sam took a deep breath, steeling herself for the conversation. She took his arm. "Let's talk."
He rolled his eyes, but allowed her to pull him toward the elevator where she took him up to the surface.
She moved to sit down on the ground, and a glimpse of the old Nick returned as he helped her to do so. "Are you okay?" He asked, more tenderly than he had done inside the Mountain.
She nodded. "It may be difficult for me to move, but I'm fine." She said, a twinkle in her eye.
He chuckled.
"Nick, I do know what you're going through. Almost down to the last detail."
"Right."
"Have you heard about Jolinar?"
Why are all of these stories coming out of the woodwork now?
Because you need to hear them.
That was a rhetorical question, Ian!
Sorry, you need to specify these things, or I will assume that you're asking me something!
"No. I don't think you've told me about Jolinar. Some…alien boyfriend that got taken as a goa'uld host?"
Sam took a deep breath as she looked at her hands. "No."
You idiot! She is one of the greatest Tok'ra operatives we've ever had! Iandrum yelled at him.
You know, Ian, when you have information like this, it would be really nice if you actually SHARED it.
I TRIED!
This is worse than having a blue with my wife!
Hey, I heard that…and I am not fighting with you!
Keep telling yourself that…now, can I get back to the story?
Who's keeping you from doing so?
Nick growled under his breath, winning a look from Sam. "Look, if you don't want…"
"No, it's Ian…"
"Ian?"
"My symbiote."
"Ah…"
"So…not an alien boyfriend." He prompted.
"No." She said, almost sadly. "But she had an alien boyfriend…"
A name drifted to the surface of his subconscious. "Lantesh."
She nodded. "Lantesh's host was Martouf." She said, with a sad smile. "Did Ian know Jolinar?"
"Did?" Ian asked, worriedly. "She's talking about Jolinar in past tense…this isn't going to be pretty."
"Yes." Nick said, as a sense of dread overwhelmed him.
"I'm sorry…she was killed by an ashrak a number of years ago."
Iandrum was silent as he absorbed the news, but slowly a deep grief came over him.
"How does this have anything to do with my situation with Ian?"
Sam swallowed. "I almost died alongside her."
"You were her host?" Ian asked, suddenly taking control of Nick, surprised to hear this.
"Yes. I was."
There was a moment of grief and then slight relief as both symbiote and host realized that Jolinar's death had saved the life of her host. However, Nick retook control of his body. "I'm sorry…he…"
"I understand." Sam said, a sad smile on her face.
"What happened?"
"The other members of SG-1 and I went to a planet, Nassiya, The people there were not very technologically advanced, but we were interested in developing a relationship with them. But before we could do anything to start trade, the goa'uld attacked. At first, we thought that the attack had come because we were on the planet, but it wasn't until after Jolinar took me as a host, that we realized that it had been her that the goa'uld were after."
"She took you as a host, like a goa'uld?"
"Yes. I was giving mouth-to-mouth to one of the Nassiyans, and Jolinar jumped into my mouth."
Nick gave an involuntary shudder at the thought of something entering through his mouth. He'd been lucky-if you could call it that. Ian had jumped in through the back of his neck.
For your information, I didn't exactly want to do that… The Tok'ra informed his host.
What?
It's kind of regarded like a shameful thing to do- entering your host through the back of the neck.
Really?
To take a host honorably, we enter through the mouth.
The Tok'ra do that?
Yes…what I did was very Goa'uld-like. And it was necessary, just like Jolinar taking Samantha…like her, I would have preferred to get to know you before jumping into you, and I would have rather given you a chance to accept or decline the procedure. But Jolinar kept her dignity by jumping into Samantha's mouth. I gave my dignity up in my haste to leave the Goa'uld, by jumping into your neck. For that, I apologize.
No problem.
No, it is a problem. I have given you more reason to hate me. And you are more than entitled to do so.
I don't hate you.
But your wife and children. They will not see you the same now…
That's not your problem.
It is my problem. Because you are unhappy.
Nick was silent for a few moments.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." He said, answering Sam's question.
"A little…reflection?" She asked, understanding.
"Yeah."
"I spent a lot of time after Jolinar's death thinking about her…trying to sort out her feelings and the memories that she had left me…even several years later, I had a hard time deciphering whose emotions were whose."
"I take it you met this guy…Martouf."
"Yes."
"Oy." Iandrum said, understanding the depth of the bond between symbiotes and their mates.
What? What's oy?
Let's just say you're not going to have that problem.
Thank you?
Hey, be grateful…
I am. Why won't it be my problem?
I never had a mate.
Recognizing instantly how much trouble that would have amounted to, Nick sighed in absolute relief. Oh…I am ETERNALLY grateful!
Hey, this has nothing to do with you.
I didn't think it did, but nevertheless…
I know…
So…what would have happened?
How about you ask Samantha about her experience with Martouf…
I'm not going to do that! It's private!
Well, you're not going to hear anymore from me…
"What happened to Jolinar?"
"Cassie was the one who discovered that I had a symbiote. She could sense the naquadah in my blood. She told Jack and Janet. They locked me up."
"Ouch."
"Yeah."
"Look, I'm sure they were just doing their jobs…"
"That's not where the story ends, Nick." Sam reprimanded slightly.
"Oh. Sorry."
"Jack was sent to question Jolinar. They were both equally stubborn. He didn't relent, and she didn't give anything up."
No self-respecting Tok'ra would have…even under the duress of torture.
Ian!
Sorry.
"When he turned to leave, she let me surface. I begged him to stay…" She began to choke on her tears. "He…he left…He left me…"
He put his arm around her. "I'm sure he did what he had to…if he had known that it really had been you, he wouldn't have…"
"I know." She said, wiping her tears as she pulled away from him. "That's not the point of my story…my point is that in my hour of need, I was abandoned by the man that I love."
Nick winced at her choice of words.
"I am trying to tell you not to abandon or be abandoned by Lena."
"I don't know how to do that." He whispered, staring at his feet.
"You're not the only one." A voice behind them answered.
Both of them turned to find Lena standing behind them. "Lena!" Sam said, struggling to get up.
Nick stood and helped her up.
"Sam. Jack was looking for you…an airman said that you and Nick had come to the surface…"
"Oh…Jack…I was going to go and see him!" Sam said, smacking her forehead.
"Yes, you were."
Sam turned to Nick. "I'll talk to you later?" She asked as she gave him a supportive smile.
He nodded. "Thanks."
He sat back down as she walked away. Lena still stood behind him, trying to figure out what to say or how to approach him.
"I know you're still here, Lena." Nick said, still looking ahead at the foliage spilling down the side of the Mountain.
"I'm not leaving." She said, defensively.
He turned. "I wasn't asking you to."
He patted the piece of ground that Sam had occupied only a few minutes earlier, and Lena approached him, sitting where he had indicated.
"So…how are you doing with this whole…Tok'ra thing?"
"I'm…I'm confused." He admitted.
"So am I."
They sat, watching the red, pink, gold, purple, and lavender hues of the sunset glimmer across the sky, silently getting reacquainted.
"So, how're Danny and Tommy?"
"They're fine. They're with Alan Barrows."
"Really?"
"Yeah, Daniel had to come for a briefing and so Alan and Rihana went over to stay with the kids."
"But Daniel's been primarily responsible for all the kids?"
"Yes. Janet had to take care of you, Liam, Jack and Kinsah, Sam was here for Jack, I was here for you, and Cassie was here for Liam."
"How is Liam?"
"Not good. He shoved Cassie out of the way when she went to visit him, and she ended up with a broken wrist. Janet's had to keep him on a low-level sedative so that he doesn't injure anyone else."
"And Jack?"
"He's been awake for the last hour or so."
"Kinsah?"
"He's just got some minor injuries…he should be fine in a few days…"
"Nevertheless, we're not the only ones whose lives have become a living hell."
"I guess not." She said, looking at Nick, unsure of where he was going with this.
"Do you ever wonder if it ever ends?"
"Excuse me?"
"Elena, I can't be the only who's noticed that every time we get involved with the SGC that our life becomes a hellish nightmare."
"Nick, what's wrong?" Lena asked, trying not to get scared by the way her husband was talking.
"Yeah, we have great friends, but…" He faltered for a moment. "Is it worth it?"
"I…" Lena said, faltering for the right words. To say that she was shocked was an understatement.
"I mean, Sam, Jack, Daniel, Janet, Cassie, Liam, Alan…they've done so much for us…they've sacrificed so much for Earth…"
"So have we."
"No, Lena, we haven't…This…this is only a token of what they go through on a regular basis. We get called and we come and play hero…I mean, this is the first time that a mission has gone wrong for me…"
"But the last time…"
"The last time it was my personal life that got in the way…"
"Nick, you're scaring me…"
Nick heaved a sigh and put his arms around his wife. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. It's nothing."
"No, Nick, it's not nothing…what's wrong?"
"I'm not sure I want to come back to the SGC. I mean, I'd love to work with everybody again, and I'd certainly love to see Kinsah and his family again, but…I don't think I can handle this again…"
"Well, I'm sure it's not always doom and gloom around here…"
"Lena, the next time you talk to Sam, ask her about Jolinar. Ask her to list all of the things that have gone wrong in her life…all of the times she wasn't sure she or someone she cared about would be coming back…she probably wouldn't even know where to start…and that's everyone…not just Sam…
"I mean, I waltzed in here five years ago, thinking that my life was so awful, and now, I realize that they have had their share of personal tragedies as well as intergalactic emergencies…I have two areas of my life that I wish I could rewrite…TWO memories, Lena…Jack, Daniel, Sam, Teal'c…they have more than that…in fact, I think they gave up a long time ago trying to count them on one hand…"
"Nick…"
"Lena, darling, since I've gotten Iandrum, I've heard TWO stories of people in this situation…"
"Jack and Sam?"
"No…Sam and Daniel."
"Daniel?"
He nodded. "His wife was taken as a goa'uld host."
"Janet?" She asked, her eyes widening.
"No. His first wife."
"First wife?"
"An Abydonian woman named Sha're."
"What happened to her?"
He looked at her, sheepishly. "I walked out on him before he could tell me the whole story…"
"You didn't want to hear what he had to say…"
"Lena, I thought everyone was saying that they understood so that I would talk, but…then I realized that they really did understand."
"So…what'd Sam have to say?"
"How much did you hear?"
"Not to abandon me or allow yourself to be abandoned by me…"
"That was the basic message…"
"I take it she was more successful in convincing you that she had a clue about what was going on than Daniel did…"
"Daniel chipped away at the wall…Sam broke it down."
"So, I have some competition for your affections." She said, gently teasing him.
"There is no competition for my affections. They're all yours." He said, brushing his lips against her forehead as he pulled her closer to him.
"I…I know…" She stammered. "I just…" She saw his gentle smile and returned it. "It's nice to hear you say so every once in a while."
"I love you." He said, kissing her lightly on the lips.
"I love you too." She said, kissing him more deeply.