AN: I honestly wouldn't be surprised if this was the longest chapter so far (okay, so it isn't long by most people'e standards, but it's long compared to my usual chapters...
To those who have been waiting for the next chapter of Always Read The Fine Print, my writer's block for that story is being cleared one word at a time... It's slow going, but I'm getting there, honest :/
Anyhoo, enough of my yammering, on the emotionally traumatising situations these characters keep getting themselves in! (I swear to god, I did NOT plan this scene... it just kind of... happened :/) Enjoy?
What have I done?
She was crying… His wife was crying. She looked absolutely terrified, her watering eyes wide as she stared up at him.
He cursed under his breath. Surely he should know better than to yell at her without due cause, after everything that had happened between them, he'd believed it a lesson learnt.
Clearly he'd been wrong.
He gulped, the look in her eyes was different to normal… Normally she wasn't crying, but that wasn't the difference he had noticed. He could see memories flashing through her mind and it wasn't hard to imagine what she was remembering, it was burned into his own mind as well.
He couldn't move, paralysed by the magnitude of the mistake he'd just made, desperate to take it back, try again, in the hope that perhaps he could undo the damage. But her eyes told him just how impossible that was.
It felt like years until he was able to say her name. "A-arianna…" it was quiet, quieter than she could ever remember his voice being before and laced with regret. He wanted to say he was sorry, that he'd never do it again, but the words would not form. He just stared at her, shaking on the cold stone floor, tears flowing freely down her now pale cheeks, all colour having fled them in the wake of his fury.
It was taking all her strength not to succumb to the violent lurches in her stomach and throw up what little food was there. That strength therefore could not be utilised to move, and the countless seconds they stared into each other's eyes, doing little more than blinking rarely, stretched on for an eternity, as her brain tried to process what had just happened.
I've screwed up, I've screwed up, that's it he's never going to let me in now, we're doomed, I can't believe I did this… IDIOT! Her mind repeated, over and over and over, whispers and shouts in her ears as she tried to get a hold of herself, tried to stop the relentless torrent of tears gushing down her face, tried and failed. She was too shaken, too scared of what she'd done, lost in memories of being threatened for something she hadn't done.
Well this time she had done it. She had teleported away from the school without permission, without alerting anyone. What were you thinking? It wasn't like her… It wasn't what she'd normally do. She followed rules. People had often mocked her for it, but she had never renounced her ways, had never thought to break the rules for popularity. So what had possessed her to do something so monumentally stupid!?
Both their thoughts continued to rage, to spiral through their minds until finally, Professor Grabiner took over from Hieronymous, pushing through the scattered thoughts and jumbled anger to bring some semblance of order to his shocked mind. He blinked, focussing the world again, then extended a hand to his wife, still shaking, still curled up at his feet.
She stared at his hand for a long while, as though he might be tricking her, getting her to let her guard down only to cast her aside and yell again. He saw it in her eyes.
"My apologies." He said quietly, it was all he could get past the pride that clogged his thoughts. He didn't think of how she already knew him, he only thought of his reputation, and so no other sound escaped his mouth as he waited for her to recognise his apology.
Slowly, carefully, Arianna reached out, pulling back one inch for every two her hand moved forward, the tremors more obvious now that her hand wasn't stabilised on the floor. She was clearly trying to control the shaking, but to little success. Her breathing was uneven, tears still leaking from her eyes, and it took several minutes for their hands to finally connect. He didn't fail to notice her flinch a little when his hand tightened around hers, though it had only been a gentle squeeze as he prepared to lift her to her feet.
Hieronymous longed to pull her against his chest, comfort her, tell her how sorry he was… But the Professor refused to allow it. His walls were unbreakable, even from the inside; he had no hope of talking to her in such a state.
"You may explain your actions to the Headmistress." Was all that came out, and try as he might he couldn't lace it with the apologies he wanted to. After he had pulled her up from the ground, her let go of her hand. "Come." And with that he teleported away.
She couldn't stop the tears that streamed down her face. Nevertheless, she focussed on the hall just outside the headmistress' office, and spoke the incantation. The rush that ordinarily accompanied the feeling as magic flowed through her never came, and she was almost surprised when she arrived outside the headmistress' office, seeing a familiar figure through the frosted glass. He looked calm as he retreated from the door towards the desk.
"Arianna, my dear, do come in." came Potsdam's chirpy voice. Arianna gulped, ignoring the throbbing in her head as she pushed the door open and took a step in, leaning against the door for a moment as she closed it in an attempt to steady herself. It didn't work, her legs still shook as she stepped into the office. "Oh, my poor little seedling, what did you do Hieronymous?" she turned an accusing eye on the Professor, who simply sneered at her, not dignifying her with an answer. "You found her at the church, correct?" He nodded. "Arianna, dear starlet, why were you in the church? Surely you know it's against school rules to leave campus without permission?"
Arianna nodded mutely, not trusting her voice.
"Then why did you leave?"
A long moment of silence dominated the office as Arianna stared at her feet, trying to control the tears and shakes that still wracked her body.
"Oh for goodness sake, girl will you stop blubbering and answer the woman? I've lessons to get to." Grabiner snapped, making her shrink into herself. She didn't look at him, too focussed on her own feet, and didn't see the flash of guilt in his eyes.
Potsdam was unflustered by the exchange, and simply smiled. "Take your time dear, why don't you sit down?" Arianna obeyed gratefully, perching herself only half into the chair across from the peppy Headmistress, her gaze now locked on her hands as she twisted them together. "Hieronymous?" Arianna did not react to the voice, electing to keep her gaze away from her irate husband.
He must have looked at Potsdam though, for she continued quite swiftly: "You should return to your lessons, your Blue Magic class started five minutes ago, did it not?" Arianna heard him huff and mumble something under his breath before blustering out of the room, presumably pulling his cloak behind him judging by the gust of air that hit Arianna's back as he left.
A moment of silence reigned, and it was then that Arianna noticed her headache had returned full-force. Why she hadn't noticed before, she was unsure. Most likely, it could be attributed to the shock of her husband's outburst… But she ignored it, staying focussed on wringing her hands together.
"Now then..." Potsdam's voice had taken on a gentler quality, though it still grated slightly on Arianna's nerves. "Do you think you can tell me what happened, starling? Now that Mr. Grumpy is gone?"
Arianna gulped, but nodded minutely.
"I… I don't know why I d-decided to teleport to th-the ch-ch-church… It was a bit of a random decision, I guess… I… I had a headache you see… I-I still have it n-now… but I c-couldn't find anywhere quiet… So…"
"So you went to the only place you knew to be quiet?" Potsdam asked gently. Arianna nodded mutely and the Headmistress sighed, shaking her head. "You'd think he'd understand such a notion." She muttered, more to herself than to the crying girl before her. "Now, you understand that, since you've broken a school rule, I will have to punish you, don't you dear?"
"Y-yes Headmistress... I-I'm sorry."
Petunia sighed. What had that foolish man gone and done to make the girl so quiet? Normally she was far stronger than this. "5 demerits."
"O-only five?" Arianna's head had shot up. She'd been expecting at least 10, possibly more.
"And detention on Saturday." Her eyes widened and she gulped. Potsdam frowned, that wasn't the reaction she'd been expecting. Surely the girl knew that Hieronymous always took detentions? "I'm sure Hieronymous won't give you a harsh punishment, don't worry dear." She said, as if to subtly remind her that it was her husband that took the detentions. If anything, Arianna's eyes filled with more worry.
Oh Hieronymous, you foolish boy… What did you do?
Tuesday 2nd September 2014
STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID
The word was scrawled, all over the page opposite her last entry, in various sizes and degrees of intensity, turning the page into little more than a mess of black ink. One of them had been scrawled so violently a hole had torn in the page.
When her hysteria had abated, Arianna turned the page to see the ink had bled through the the page underneath, making in practically unusable, so she turned again and began her second entry of the day with a shaking hand.
Dear Diary,
Please ignore the previous page, and my awful handwriting… I'm… distressed. That's about all I can think of to describe the war of emotions in my brain right now.
I screwed up. Big time. I teleported to the church, to get away from all the noise. I didn't think things through, I broke the rules… I have detention on Saturday now and I lost 5 merits, but honestly that isn't what bothers me.
His face… He was so furious, like when the school found out… I never thought I'd make him that angry ever again, but I did… I'll be surprised if he ever talks to me again outside of a classroom setting. He must be ashamed of me. Who'd want to be married to someone who screws up so easily?
And I have to face him on Saturday… He always takes detentions, and I don't know what he'll do, but it won't be pleasant. I'm supposed to have Blue Magic tomorrow… I don't know if I can bring myself to go, to even leave this room. I don't want to see the disdain in his eyes again, I don't think I could stand it…
This is it, isn't it? The final straw? I guess I should've known it was coming… As if we could ever make this work… However much I love him wish it could work, it won't. He doesn't want it to… He hasn't got the time or the patience to deal with someone like me, and how can I blame him? I'm a pain, I just keep causing trouble for him, and screwing up… I'm an overemotional mess of a girl.
What did I think would happen? I'd get my fairytale ending? My handsome prince to sweep me away? I know he's no prince… But he is to me… I wanted so bad to make this work, and all I've done is destroy any chance of anything happening between us, over and over…
But I'm not sure I can pull away now… It'll hurt me too much.
Because I love him….
Tears smudged the final words, but she couldn't bring herself to care as she slammed the book shut and threw it across the room, with a satisfying THUD as it hit the wall opposite her, and another when it hit the floor under her bed.
She drew her knees up to her chest, hugging them tightly as she let the sobs take over again. Desperate for something, some kind of comfort, she forced herself off the bed and stumbled over to her wardrobe. Ignoring the voice in the back of her head that said it was a bad idea, she turned and reached up towards the large box, levitating it out with her to place on the bed.
She began to pull the objects out one at a time, laying them out before her. A pile of photos, a note-pad, a pair of headphones, a new diary she'd never used and probably never would along with various other gifts and knick-knacks from when she had parents. And at the bottom, a tattered old teddy bear, with one eye missing, replaced by a black button, missing patches of fur on its stomach and one of its ears.
Her first teddy bear, ragged from too much hugging, its golden brown fur was now dull and tattered. But it smelt of home, and after packing the rest of the memories back in their box, Arianna tucked herself under the covers and pulled her oldest friend to her, letting her tears soak into his old stuffing.
He would say it was childish, but then why should he even care? Why should she care what he thought, when he never did the same?
She fell asleep to a torrent of such thoughts raging in her mind.
Tuesday 2nd September 2014
I did something altogether unacceptable today.
I am, as of yet, unsure as to the exact reasoning behind my actions, however I hope they never occur again. I am concerned that my actions today may be the final straw for Arianna, and as much as I deny it both to her and to Potsdam, I do not wish to lose her. This journal is the only place I will openly admit that I care for her. I am reluctant to use the word love, however perhaps that is not an entirely unimaginable leap.
Perhaps I should explain what I did to cause myself such concern.
It has, of course, become customary to meet with my wife for lunch, despite how short my time is I continue to hold this pattern. Today was no exception. Ordinarily, she would already be there, waiting for me. However today she was not. I did my best to ignore the worry, but I have never been skilled in this endeavour. As such, I found myself searching the school for her, having barely touched my lunch in the hurry to find out what could have caused her absence, since the last instance saw her retired to her room in a fit of quite understandable emotional turmoil.
She was nowhere to be found, and I had exhausted every possible location; her room, the library, the grounds… All lacked her distinct presence. Thankfully I had begun my search early, otherwise I am unsure what I would have done; it is possibly within reason that I may have cancelled my afternoon classes in order to locate her, although without evidence I cannot jump to such a conclusion.
The obvious next-step was Potsdam, reluctant though I was to entertain the idea I swallowed my pride. The Headmistress was just as confused as I (though perhaps less concerned, as she was rather distracted by the realisation that I cared enough about Arianna to search for her, preposterous woman…).
She therefore conducted a search for Arianna's magical signature within the school (how the blasted woman manages to separate all those signatures perhaps I shall never know). The only instance of Arianna's specific magical resonance in recent hours was in the Red Magic classroom and the grounds. I ruled out the Red Magic classroom as helpful since she had most likely been in Seymour's class this morning (I shall comment on that later), so I investigated the grounds using Spirit Echoes where I found, among the slew of random students taking walks, the image of my wife casting a teleportation spell seemingly at random.
There was only one place I could conceive of that she might have gone to and so I myself teleported to the church Potsdam and I have been restoring. For a moment, I feared I'd been wrong, seeing no trace of her upon arrival in the fields surrounding the building, however once I entered the building I heard her voice.
What followed was a poor showing on my part. I believe I frightened her quite badly, though perhaps a visit to the church would be prudent in order to watch the display myself. I scolded her as a teacher to a student for disappearing from campus, and this somehow led to her crying, sat on the floor shuffling away from me as quickly as she could.
In retrospect, I believe my actions may have been reminiscent of April, when the school learned of our marriage… If they were not entirely similar, they certainly brought back some abhorrent memories for Arianna, I am honestly unsurprised at her reaction.
After such a display, I found myself wishing to comfort her, but I disallowed myself that privilege. One does not deserve to offer comfort for their own actions. Though it was difficult, I ignored the notions and acted as a teacher.
In hind-sight, this may not have been the recommended approach when it was such an approach that caused the initial reaction.
I am ashamed. I had believed myself capable of avoiding such aggressive actions around her. She may still be a student but I can no longer use my ordinary intimidation tactics against her, she knows me too well and, as I have realised today, she has at least one too many personal experiences with the height of my "anger", so emphasised for it is often nothing more than irritation or concern that I channel into anger in order to intimidate my students into acting more suitably.
She is my wife, and I must treat her with the respect that I often demand from her. I can only hope that this has not destroyed any chance of forgiveness… She is kind, but she is not stupid. I am unsure whether even she can find it within herself to forgive my repeat-offences in this area.
As for her attendance of Seymour's class, I should not be surprised if she takes them with a similar fervour to her classmates. He has always attracted their attention, and it has certainly never bothered me.
That is until now.
I cannot fathom what caused the reaction when Potsdam announced that Arianna had been in the Red Magic classroom this morning, of course meaning she had taken the sophomore morning class. It was altogether entirely unexpected. My chest seemed to constrict and a most peculiar nausea settled in my stomach.
I shall have to analyse this feeling in more detail once I have reconciled with my wife, if such a thing is possible. I believe she will be in my Blue Magic class tomorrow morning just before lunch; perhaps I might catch her then.
It was very strange to write as Hieronymous for this, but I hope it was worth it and you enjoyed looking into his mind instead of Arianna's for once :) Hopefully, I'll return soon, but no promises :/ University work is piling up again...