Chapter Two: Link's Awakening

Inside The Great Deku Tree

Link shivers as the text falls from view and leaves him in an intricately carved up Deku Tree. The first thought that goes through his head is rather racist, even for the author and Navi, who looks at him in shock.

'Wow. A black guy did this?' Navi hits him on the head.

"Link! I can't believe you! What is with you and your racist comments?!" Link shrugs, unrepentant, and looks around. At this time the author gets lazy and throws her smoke bombs, this time from the courtesy of the still missing Rikimaru from Tenchu; no, the author won't tell you fools where she has found him. Link coughs as he inhales the misty smoke and, in a moment, he is holding a deku stick high into the air with mysterious text written underneath. He blinks and he now holds deku nuts.

'What-' Another well placed smoke bomb and Link is holding up the fairy slingshot, text still flowing beneath him and an annoying music playing in the background. It sounds kind of like; dun dun dun duuun! Link sways. 'I-' The author is now getting too happy, and throws another smoke bomb. Now Link is killing a golden spider. Link blinks, confused, as he holds up a flat skull and the text appears again. Something about it being his first gold skulltulla; he couldn't read it. The text was moving too fast.

"Hey! Listen!" Navi's voice screams out suddenly as another smoke bomb comes and clears. Link's eyes are twitching. "Look at this spider web! If you maybe decided to end your life and jump off of the top of the Deku Tree, you could perhaps fall through this spider web into the dark abyss below where you'll have absofuckinglutely no idea what made it perhaps waiting for you down below." Boom, a puff of smoke.

"Look out!" Boom!

"Twenty three is number one!" Boom!

"Which is my best side?" Boom!

"Die, Inuyasha!" Boom!

"We call him…You Know Who…" Boom!

"I have a dream…" Boom!

Link twitches on the ground, going into cardiac arrest, as Navi pukes beside him. An annoying bleeping noise is permeating the air, and Link is breathing rather heavily. The author is currently being scolded by Ayame on the use of such projectiles on ten year old kids. The author sincerely apologizes to her audience and to Link as she directs the boy to the pool of water behind him so he can collect the hearts within. She didn't mean to get his ass kicked so bad.

Honest.

"Link…" Navi hurls up one last time and wipes her mouth. "Link…Where are we?" Link shivers as he leaves the cold water and drops to the floor.

'I don't know.'

"Neither do we." The audience grumbles. Link and Navi jumps at the sound of their voices and looks around the room. The author would now like to ask the audience to quit bitching and smacking their teeth. The audience tells her to go fuck herself. The author is offended.

"Where are we?" Navi repeats, getting everyone back on track. The author clears her throat.

"You are now entering: The Castle Courtyard. No-no wait, that's Gauntlet Legends, N64 version. You two are now at the room right before the boss."

'Who are you?' Link's mind speech is clearly heard. The author throws another smoke bomb. Link begins to cry. 'Why don't I remember anything?!'

"Come on Link, don't cry…" Navi nudges him towards the ominous looking door before them, blinking stars from her eyes. "Come on. When we get out of here, I'll get you a bottle of milk, okay?" Sniffling, Link follows Navi to the door and opens it. A mysterious force pushes him through the door faster than he would have liked, but before he could tell whomever did that off, the door slams behind him, leaving him in a room with smoke trailing all around. Understandably, Link and Navi becomes afraid at the sight of it, and the author feels bad for giving them a new fear. Once noticing that they were still in the same place the two uncurl from their huddled ball and slowly inch forward.

Navi sniffs the air as they continue to walk forward and twitters nervously as heavy pants fill the room. Those pants are very familiar. Link begins to shiver as the pants become louder and Navi frowns. "Wait a minute…There is no possible way-" She is cut off as a figure jumps out in front of them and Link smacks her forward. He would miss her… "Damn you, Link!" Navi spits at him. "You cowering little simpleton! And you!" She turns to the figure that jumped out at them. "What the hell are you doing here, Smeagol?"

"Preeeeecioussssss…"

"No!" Navi bonks him on the head. "No, no! Get yo ass back to Middle Earth you disgusting creature!" She kicks him in his nonexistent juevos and tosses him through a dark portal. "And tell Legolas I said hello!"

'Legolas?' Link's voice makes her scowl and she crosses her arms over her chest.

"Long story kid."

'So make it short.' Navi snorts and floats forward.

"Why are we here?" Suddenly, the sound of non-Elvin feet is sounded on the ceiling, making Navi and Link, who has joined her, look up. "What the fuck is that?!" The creature opens its eye and falls down, roaring out with rage. Navi's question is answered as that familiar bold text appears again. Parasitic Armored Arachnid Gohma. Link pisses his mini shorts as music springs up from the background. Dun nun na, dun nun na, dun nun na…dun dun dunna dunna dunna, dun dun dunna dunna dunna…Navi suddenly vanishes.

'Hey!' Link shouts out in mind speak. 'Navi?!'

"You're on your own pal." Queen Gohma begins to track forward towards him and Link does the only thing he can do; he curls into a ball on the floor and kisses his ass goodbye. "Hey!" Navi's voice suddenly shouts out. "Link! Take out your slingshot and pop this bitch in the eye!" Link shakes his head.

'I can't…I'm scared…'

"Come on, Link! You can do it!" Navi encourages. Link wipes snot from his nose.

'No, I can't! I'm only ten years old; this thing is a monster!' Navi frowns, seeing the monster getting steadily closer but somehow not reaching them, and does something that she knows is going to make her audience smack their teeth, roll their eyes, and or question how far the author plans on taking these racial jokes.

"You can do it, Link! She's black!" Link blinks and looks up at the spider looking creature, whom is inches from his face-no wait, she glitches. Now she's at the back of the room and is steadily advancing towards him. His resolve is strengthened. Link stands up in sudden courageousness and uses his fairy slingshot like a pro. He doesn't question why he knows how to use this slingshot, nor does he question why he knows how to use the sword that he is currently smacking the bitch around with. After all, Link is only ten, and as a ten year old, he's never even touched a sword. And he never even touched that sword either, you perverts. Ew. Get a life guys, he's only ten!

"HYA! HII! HO! HA! SAIT!" Navi shakes her head as Link screams out unnecessary nonsense as he slashes Queen Gohma down to princess status. Suddenly, a wide screen look is given to them, and Queen Gohma begins to crackle and break as the music in the background plays a triumphant sound. Duuuuun, dun dun dun duuun…duuuun duuuuuun.

…The author wishes she had more funds…

Link and Navi holds their noses as a giant hollow heart plops down from the creatures body. The thing spins around in a circle and, for some insane reason, though maybe it's because Gohma was a monster, the heart's main color is blue. Beside the heart a blue portal sits. Navi gestures Link forward. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

'I'm not touching that…' Link screws up his nose. Navi scowls.

"Stop being racist, Link. Pick up the damn heart." Now Link scowls.

'I am not racist, Navi!'

"And, let me guess, you're not gay either?"

'No!'

"Right, right…far be it for me to call you a liar…"

'What?!' Link scowls as Navi floats to the heart and hovers around it. Link rolls his eyes and goes forward to grab the heart, hoping he could keep the killer intent from his audience at bay. Once there, for some inane reason, he holds the heart above his head, accompanied by some triumphant music, and smiles. Unfortunately, a weird "whork" sound also accompanies this, and the mysterious text comes back and says something about collecting a heart container. Link's eyes travel to the top of the screen, close to where his hearts lay, and the author throws a smoke bomb.

"…Link…" The Great Deku Tree ignores the way Link's body is twisted in an awkward position from the way he was thrown into the clearing. He also ignores the fact that it was short eared people that threw him into the clearing. Navi slowly floats into the clearing from a blue light and hovers above Link's prone form. "…Link…You have done well…" The familiar ominous music hovers through the air. "But…I am afraid…that I was doomed from the start…" Link slowly sits up.

'So why the hell did I do all that for?' The Deku Tree sighs.

"I don't know, Link. I really don't know. So I'll just say that it was to make sure you could take care of yourself when you leave this forest." Link and Navi both freeze.

"What?" Navi bobs up and down. "You're kicking him out?!"

"Yes, Navi." The Deku Tree says slowly. "And you will accompany him." Navi turns gray. "…Link…I have a horrible secret that I must tell you…Something that I should have told you a long time ago…" Link's eyes go extremely wide. So wide, in fact, that the audience is worried that they'll fall from his sockets.

'What is it, Great Deku Tree? Please tell me that I'm not black!' Navi throws a rock at him.

"You douche bag!"

'What?!'

"You're losing us reviewers!"

'I-'

"LINK! YOU ARE NOT A KOKIRI!" The clearing is plunged into silence.

'…What…?' The Deku Tree sighs.

"You heard me, boy. You are not a Kokiri child. You are a Hylian. When you were nay a child your mother came into this forest from the world outside, which was torn from war, and asked me to raise you in her stead. She then died before I could tell her that I didn't want you. I couldn't just leave you out there on your own, so I tried to contact your father…" He trails off. "Unfortunately, your mother was a bit loose, and I couldn't decide on two from sixty four guys to pick from. So I had to keep you here." Link's eyes are glassy.

'You didn't want me…?'

"Goddesses, no!" The Deku Tree chuckles. "I have enough snot nosed bastards living in this forest! What the hell makes you think I want to take care of one that shits a nappie?" Link's lips begin to wobble. "Anyways, I took you in, yadda yadda, I raised you as best as I could with limited funds, then, I received a vision…"

'Really?'

"No, I can't back that up. I just needed an excuse to kick you out of the forest." The Deku Tree sighs. "Anyway, I'll tell you the story about how the world was made-Take this stone." Link blinks. Navi blinks. The Deku Tree hums. The audience looks at the author. The author hides her smoke bombs and whistles innocently. The story goes back on track. Link holds up a giant emerald and gold stone in the air. You have received the Kokiri's Emerald. Link and Navi ignores the text. They are used to it now.

"…Goodbye…Navi…Goodbye…Link…" The pitifully spaced words makes Link and Navi stare at the Deku Tree in wonderment.

"Where are you going?" Navi questions.

"Go…forth…and…save…Hyrule…" Then, something eye watering-ly sad happens. The Great Deku Tree turns gray, the life leaving his three million old self, and the music dies in the forest. Link and Navi stands there in silence.

'Well shit.' Link's voice echoes through the clearing. 'How am I going to explain this to the other Kokiri?'

"Don't worry, Link," Navi consoles. "I was here, remember? I've got your back." The two turn their backs on the dead tree and slowly walks off. Before Navi leaves, however, she stops and turns around. "Son of a bitch! He didn't pay me for my charge!"

Link stares at Mido in trepidation as he walks from the forest grove. Mido is currently blocking his passage and Link knows that he's going to get blamed for something. "Well?" Mido's voice makes him jump. "What happened? Why did the music stop?" Link's face turns sad.

'Mido…the Great Deku Tree has died…' Mido gasps.

"You KILLED THE GREAT DEKU TREE?!" All heads in the forest turn their way.

'No I didn't!' Link shakes his head. 'I swear I didn't! Tell them, Navi!' He turns around to look for his fairy. Unfortunately, Navi is still in the forest grove, burning the dead carcass of the Deku Tree. The forest kid adults glare at him.

"Murderer!" Mido smacks him in the face and walks off. Link holds his cheek in shock. Moments later, Navi floats up to him.

"What'd I miss?" Link scowls at her.

'Only me becoming even more lonelier than I already am.' Navi shrugs.

"So, not much, huh? Anyways, didn't Saria say she'd be waiting for you outside of your house? Maybe we can explain to her?" Link sighs and nods. The two silently walks towards Link's house under the glares of the Kokiri. When they reach his house, however, Saria isn't there. Link turns to Navi.

'What now?' Navi shrugs.

"I guess we leave the forest and go save Hyrule." Link scowls and follows her.

'Why do I have to save Hyrule anyways? I'm only ten! I want to play tag!'

"Shut up, Link! Your future has been decided already! Suck it up!" Navi's scolding makes Link go silent. As they reach the tunnel to the entrance the two notices that the older Kokiri with the creepy fairy is sitting off to the side. He turns to them as they head for the tunnel.

"You'll die if you leave the forest, Link." Link stops and looks back at the other Kokiri. They all glare at him. But his eyes travels past them and lands on the opening to the now deceased Deku Tree's grove. "You are not a Kokiri child. You are a Hylian."

'Well, I'll die faster if I stay here.' He then walks through the tunnel and appears on a short bridge. Another tunnel stands at the end of it. 'This is it, Navi.' Link shakes slightly. 'This is probably the last time we'll ever see this forest.' Navi nods, nostalgic, and floats forward. Link takes one last look behind him before running forward.

Unfortunately for him, he doesn't see the foot until he trips on it.

'Ouch!' He stands up rather slowly. 'What the hell…Saria?' Saria looks at him with a sorrowful look on her face.

"Link…" she sighs. "I had a feeling…that you'd never stay in this forest." Her eyes travel to the tunnel to Hyrule. "You were destined for great things…Great things…" She reaches into her shirt, unknowing of Link's eyes following her hand, and pulls out an ocarina. She holds it out to him and he takes it, holding it up and looking at it in a cross eyed manner. "Link…Take this ocarina." Saria sighs again. "Whenever you play it, think of me?" Her eyes then turns white and she begins to speak, though no sound comes from her mouth. Instead, the familiar text replaces her words. You have received Saria's Ocarina. Treasure it or else. Link's eyes go wide and he quickly runs off, Navi and the camera crew following, leaving Saria on the bridge looking after him. Once gone, a ball hits Saria on the head.

"Who the hell just threw that?!" She looks around the forest with a glare, not seeing the horde of yaoi fans that quickly slinked through the barrier after Link. That pairing was officially nipped in the bud.