Bella's Point Of View

Edward! Please, please don't leave like this! I promise I'll be more careful! I promise I'll be better! Please don't leave me!

I had awoken successfully to a second nightmare, not quite as horrible as the first, as the true nightmare that still played around my lifeless body. At least with the dream, I knew it would end. The reality on the other hand, wouldn't...

I wanted so badly to sit up in my bed, to get up and walk off the muscle cramps that stung my body, though I had no motivation to do so. My body begged me to remain in the comfort of my bed for just a while longer...

I know you love me! Somewhere deep inside you do, you can't deny that! You told me, you promised me! Please don't throw this away because of your doubts! Please, Edward!

Sitting up in bed, I noticed the countless towels and blankets that were tightly wrapped around my body. Charlie and whomever else he had out last night took every precaution in preventing hypothermia. Of course, I wished they didn't. Death suited me today. My previously soaked hair clung to my face, making me look just as ugly and dispensable as I felt.

I contemplated walking to the police station where Charlie would surely be working, walking to one of my friends houses, I was sure they were worried, walking off a cliff... but I just couldn't bring myself to any of the three options. Instead, my bare feet found the cold, wooden floor and brought be to the bathroom.

I knew what to expect when it came to my reflection in the mirror that hung above the bathroom sink, emptiness. I knew I wouldn't find myself in the image before me so instead, I made sure to cover the mirror with one of the towels I kept clung to myself, later doing the same to every other mirror I would be exposed to.

The hot water of the shower was lost on me, nothing would ever be as painful as the tight, clenching feeling in my chest. The feeling that was left there by someone I loved and trusted more than anyone in the world. The feeling that made me feel less than human, feel like nothing.

I refused to spend anymore time than necessary in the shower, afraid that if I concentrated too long on washing my hair, or scrubbing the dirt from my body, I would look as I had. I didn't want to resemble anything like my past, my past was nothing but a lie. Instead, I would settle for the new Bella. The Bella that could no longer look at herself in the mirror - she was all I had.

It took only a few moments to dry off and walk back into my bedroom, my sanctuary that was both blessed and cursed. Too many things reminded me of him, I would soon have to discard everything he forgot to rid me of. My still shaking hands grabbed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, clothing that the old Bella would wear. I, instead, settled for a pair of sweats and a baggy sweater. Clothing that hid the emotional scars beneath.

I made my way downstairs, only to find myself feeling the first authentic emotion since his departure. Surprised. Charlie had not left the house for work as he normally would have. His jacket hung by the door along with his gun, while he lounged at the kitchen table, his brown eyes peeking from over the newspaper he had been reading. I assumed he was waiting for me to speak, to show him that I was still alive, but I wasn't.

I offered him the closest thing to a smile I could manage, basically consisting of my lips moving themselves into a straight line, compared to the frown they had been in. It wasn't good enough for him, his eyes still followed me. My body brought me to the counter, my hands pouring me a bowl of cereal, my stomach lurching at the thought of eating. I looked down into the filled bowl, fighting back mouthfuls of vomit as I stormed my way out of the kitchen, up the stairs and back into the claustrophobic bathroom.

My pale arms hugged the toilet while my stomach heaved everything that had previously been inside, out into the open. The acidic taste burning my nose and throat each time the fluid passed through. My coughing and gagging alerted Charlie, his fists pounding on the door.

"Bella? Bella are you okay?"

I'm not okay, I'll never be okay. His knocking grew more violent.

"Do you need me to get you anything? Bella?"

My body lost the fight, finally giving in and allowing me to breathe. My hand reached up to flush the toilet, though my body remained on the cold, tiled floor. I was right, I was no longer human. Bella was replaced by something else, a zombie. Unable to move, to smile, to eat like I always could.

Charlie finally had enough of my silence and opened the door. He must have known what to expect, as his facial expression refused to change. I faintly recalled hearing the voices of the many men that made up my search party. All discussing their departure. Charlie became more and more infuriated during that conversation with his friends, his voice reaching angry pitches that not even I had heard before. He demanded to know what their problem was, where they went, why they left. The same questions I too, wondered though couldn't bring myself to ask.

He must have gone downstairs before coming into the bathroom, in his hands he carried Advil and a glass of water, setting both on the bathroom sink for me. His body was awkward in this new situation, unable to decide on leaving me be, or helping me back to bed. My body wrapped itself up in the protective ball position they had found me in, Charlie taking the hint.

Charlie, just close the door and leave this room. Your daughter is gone, wandering after her fickle Romeo. She isn't coming back. Meet your new child, this ghost. She will try to smile, but she will fail.

I failed.