This was not love, nor passion. There was no lust, or desire in those eyes. All there was, was pure frustration and anger flowing through the connection between them. Spock could feel sadness fighting to be noticed but, angrily repressed again and again. It was apparent Jim didn't need Spock for Spock; he didn't need Spock at all. He didn't want love or adoration, at this moment. Spock believed Jim would have taken any welcoming body to take out his anger on. A body to allow him to focus on his need for pleasure, his need for distraction.

This was stress relief, and Jim was reverting back into the boy who would distract himself from life's problems by bedding anyone he could. To let out the anger he felt, to ignore the hurt in his heart, because in these imitate moments he would allow others to lie to him, allow himself to believe that he was loved.

He had left his five year old self weeping on the bathroom floor earlier, abandoning that part of him like everyone else had, like he always had. And, now he was using that teenage need for attention and love to drown out the cries of that boy. Jim was tearing himself apart, he was ignoring all the pain and hurt, everything that made him weak.
Anger and rage filled him as he continually filled his bondmate all too forcefully. His emotions internally fighting for dominance, but as always the scared, shy, little boy was pushed away in a dark corner to be overpowered by the anger of others.

"Jim," Spock panted as his mate pounded relentlessly into him. "T'hy'la, do you think you are emotionally…"

Jim quickly stopped his thrust but didn't remove himself from Spock, while he glared down at his love. "If you say emotionally compromised, Spock, I will seriously go ballistic."

Spock moved his hands from where they were gripping Jim's biceps to run them throw the thick blonde locks. "That was not what I was going say. I wanted to say that I am concerned that you are trying to distract yourself from the pain you are feeling from the discovery of your father by engaging in sexual activity."

"Is this really the time to discuss this, Spock?" The only reply Jim received was a slight upward lifted eyebrow. Sighing, Jim continued. "Look can't a man come home to his guy after a long day's work and just want to be as deep in him as physically possible?"

"Yes." Spock whispers as he pulled Jim down for a kiss. "Yes, but, Jim even though you are, as you so crudely put it 'as deep as physically possible' in me, you are very distant from me, ashaya. I believe that as of now it would not matter who is with you, that you only wish to remove yourself from the situation you are hurting Jim, I can feel it. You're emotions are as a chaotic as mine when you… And, I can feel that this has nothing to do with you and I. This is not out of love, Jim. I can feel it."

"Oh, ashaya." Jim sighed in guilt, turning his face to kiss the inside of Spock's knee that was still pulled up over his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm not being fair to you. It's just this whole day has been so screwed up and I just want it to go away so badly that I referred back to what I use to do before the Academy, by sleeping with anyone willing and not worrying about their wants and needs, just focusing on my ability to forget my problems for a while. I am sorry, T'hy'la. I'm hurting you."

"Would it not be better to focus on us, and our love? Would that not be a better distraction?" Spock asked softly, brushing a stray hair from Jim's forehead.

Jim gave Spock a small but, genuine smile. "As always Mr. Spock, you know exactly how to improve my flawed plans to perfection."

With a quick twitch of the lips, Spock ground his hips up into Jim's groin, causing the captain to groan and stare lustfully down at his first.

"Now that your plan is officially in the status of perfection why don't you continue with them?"

Jim smiled as he rested his forehead against Spock's as he began to move again, this time at a much slower, and tender pace. His hips rolling slowly, his hands wandering lightly across sensitive green flushed skin, and his lips securely sealed with his T'hy'las.

Alpha shift the next day was alarmingly quiet, and stressful. Everyone was tiptoeing around Jim, only speaking to him and asking him questions when absolutely necessary. It was honestly starting to piss him off. He also knew that he was in fact either snapping at everyone who spoke to him or sulking worse than a teenage girl who had lost her first love.

Bones had taken to calling him Captain Crank.

"Lieutenant, contact the USS Odyssey and send it to my ready room."

"Captain?" Uhura turned from her station to give Jim a puzzled look.

"Just do it, Lieutenant." He barked.

"Yes, sir."

Spock turned to look at the back of the blonde head he had become so fond of. Jim's back was ramrod straight, his shoulders tense, and jaw clenched tightly. The level of stress Jim was harboring underneath that tanned skin would be visible to a stranger. His emotions battling each other, causing Jim to be violently moody all day.

During breakfast, Jim's fingers had lightly brushed against Spock's as they ate and sent a surge of heartache, anger, guilt, and loss through him so violently that he had to excuse himself to gain control.

"Captain?" Spock walked up to stand beside the captain's chair.

"Yes, Mr. Spock?"

"Jim, I-"

"I have that transmission for you, captain." Uhura announced, unbeknowningly to her cutting off Spock completely.

"Thank you, Lieutenant." Jim stood from his chair. "We'll finish this later, Commander. You have the conn."

Once in his ready room Jim took a long, deep breath, sitting down at his desk. He had never been more nervous in his life, never wanted to run away from something more than ever before. He would much rather deal with Khan all over again, have Spock strangle him on the bridge, climb through the warp core than do what he was about to do. He could obviously delay the event, but what good would that do? He would just continue to walk around with it weighing on his mind. He needed to do this, he had to do this. It was what she deserved.

Jim hit the link before he had time to change his mind and run away with his tail between his legs like the complete coward he knew himself to be when it came to this woman and discussing his father. He never wanted to reopen wounds, and every time Jim had brought his dad up in the past his mother would get a look in her eyes as if her entire universe had been destroyed, leaving her with nothing to live for, and Jim supposed that's how she felt.

"Jimmy?"

"Hi mom."

"It's good to see you, sweetheart. But, I have to admit I'm a little surprised by your call. Is everything alright?"

Jim laughed, but it wasn't one of relief or humor. It was strained and almost hysterical. Winona's heart began to flutter at the obvious distress of her youngest son.

"Jimmy, please tell me what's going on. You're scaring me. Are you okay? Is it Sam? Spock?"

"No, mom." Jim shook his head. "Spock's fine, I'm fine, as far as I know, Sam's fine." Jim ran a hand over his face, staring intently at the edge of his desk before answering. "Actually, everyone is fine, this isn't anything negative per se, but, it is shocking."

"Okay…" Winona drawled, becoming more impatient with her sons obvious procrastination. "Are you gonna tell me? Or, are you gonna sit there and with your thumb up your ass?" Winona chastised.

Jim couldn't help but snort at his mother's attempt to relax him little bit. It was something she had always done, and always would do.

He finally mustered up the courage to look his mother in the eyes. She looked beautiful as ever. Her green eyes soft and apologetic. They had always been that way, especially since they had reconnected. When he was young the apologies were for leaving, for Jim not having a father. Now, they were for not believing him about Frank, for causing Sam to leave, for not protecting him. Jim was still angry, but since he had found Spock he could sympathize with her. If he were to ever lose Spock the way his mother had lost his father, he would react the same way. That was why he must tell her. He would want to know if his long lost love had somehow been found, and could possibly be restored to him. And, he's sure his mother felt the same way, "I found dad."

Winona's heart stuttered, as well as her brain. "Y-y-you what?"

"I found dad."

Winona's breathing started to pick up rapidly, her quarters began to feel extremely hot, and she felt completely nausea, as she always did when George Kirk was brought up in conversation. She had never gotten over the death of her husband, so much so that it affected her ability to parent her sons properly, something she regretted and hated herself for each day. "Jim," her voice extremely quiet. "Your father has been gone your entire life. He's gone, I watched-" she cut herself off with a gasp, as tears began to well in her eyes.

"Please, mom, calm down, and let me explain."

IMPORTANT! CHAPTERS HAVE BEEN UPDATED AND REVAMPED.

I have gone through and fixed and added things to the story, nothing to change the plot, I just wanted to go in and give it more... something. I have been posting these chapters as skeletons to see if I enjoyed the story or not. So, now that I have figured out more where this is going I'm going to be posting more in depth chapters, and will hopefully be updating more often.