They tried sharing a bed, and it worked until Jane got restless. Jack put his hand on Jane's shoulder in an attempt to calm him down. He woke up from the touch. After a moment he focused on Jack.

"Bad dream", he said, sounding exhausted.

"Was it about the same thing that usually keeps you from sleeping?"

"No, this was different. My wife made a scene, accusing me of cheating on her with you."

"Your wife? Something you wanna tell me?"

Jane gave him small smile but didn't comment. Jack thought about it for a moment. "Now that you mention it, I think I remember you wearing a ring when you came to see me in prison."

"Yeah. I used to. I took it off when I realized I – how I feel about you. But in a way I still consider myself a married man."

"Jane, I'm not following you."

"She's dead. But I'm still bonded to her. I guess I'm feeling guilty about – us. You and me."

"Jane, what happened to her?"

"She was killed. I provoked a very dangerous man, in public. He took it out on her."

Jack needed a moment to deal with that. "He murdered the one person you loved the most to punish you for what you'd said about him."

"Actually the two people I loved the most."

Jack closed his eyes.

"Charlotte was seven when he killed her in her sleep. That's what I keep seeing every time I close my eyes. My wife and my little daughter in their own blood, murdered because I had been an arrogant bastard. He left me a note to make sure I understood that I was to blame for their deaths. I got his point."

"That's why you're with the CBI. Did you get him?"

"No. He's still out there. But I will find him."

"And then what?"

"I'll kill him."

"Don't. I know you think it will feel good, feel right, that it will bring you peace. But it won't. Taking a life comes at a price, Jane. I don't want you to pay that price."

"Do you remember your first? The first man you killed?"

"Yes."

Jane thought that was all he would get, but after a moment Jack went on. "It was a sniper hit. There were three of us, but I was the one with a clear line of sight. So I was given the order."

"What did you feel?"

Jack took a breath. "The very first emotion was accomplishment. The target was neutralized. But that only lasted until he hit the ground. Then I was frozen stiff. What if the intel had been wrong? What if we'd had the wrong guy? What if he had been innocent? I ended his life. Another human being."

"Do you ever get used to it?"

"I can only hope with all that is left of my soul that I never will, Patrick."

~o0o~

Jack's cabin, Minnesota

"This is great", Jane smiled and turned his face towards the sun. They were sitting by the pond, Jack pretending to fish, Jane refusing to try, both relaxed and at peace. With closed eyes Jane said: "You still wanna know what I was thinking?"

Jack understood instantly. "Oh yeah", he breathed.

Jane got up and took a step closer to the water. "It started with me going down on you. And you were incredibly dominant."

Jack got up, too. "What, I forced you?"

"No. But you gave me directions."

"Oh. OK... Look, I'm not sure..."

"That's OK, Jack. I guess that's one of the things that are more of a turn on in theory."

"You said that was how it started – so there was more?"

"Uh, yeah. We were in your office, and you wore your dress blues."

"Oh come on, that's such a downer."

"What?!"

"They're uncomfortable, and they make me look ridiculous."

"You really have no idea, do you?"

When Jack shook his head with a shrug Jane broke into a grin.

"They scream power, and authority."

"And that's good?"

Jane just gave him a pointed look.

"OK I get it, you're really into the dominance thing."

Jane was nervous all of a sudden.

"Actually it's more like I'm into the submission thing."

Jack stepped behind him, putting his hands on Jane's shoulders, gently kneading.

"Really?"

Jane's eyes closed. "Really."

Jack stepped closer, clearly entering his personal space. Jane swallowed.

"So what exactly were we doing in my office, beside you giving me head?", Jack rasped, his hands sliding down Jane's back and coming to rest on his hips. Jane's voice was hushed and his knees went weak. "You had me bent over your desk and just - took me. Hard, demanding."

"Ah, now that's something I can relate to... Maybe I would have to punish you for messing up my paperwork."

Jane's knees almost gave way. Jack kissed his neck, and that didn't help. He leaned back a little, and Jack's grip tightened.

"I didn't think of that."

"That's why I'm the one in control, Jane."

"Oh God yes. You definitely were..."

"So there was something else in that fantasy of yours?"

Jane's eyes closed. "You gave me another order."

"I did? I figure there wasn't much you could do."

"Actually you told me what I couldn'tdo."

Now it was Jack who closed his eyes, a slow smile spreading across his face.

"Denial."

"Yeah. You said I wasn't allowed to come without your permission."

"Did you obey?"

"Yes."

"Must have been hard."

Despite the sexual tension between them they chuckled at the pun.

"I obviously gave you permission eventually, didn't I?"

"Actually you didn't. In fact you gave me the order - to come on your mark."

Jack's head sank to Jane's shoulder. He breathed right into his ear: "Do you think that would work in reality?"

"Oh I'm not sure, but I think you could be quite persuasive when you're in command mode..."

"You feel like acting that out one day?"

"Your superiors wouldn't mind?"

Jack needed a moment to catch up.

"Uh, maybe not in my office. Though I doubt I can ever look at my desk the same way again..."

Jane smiled. "Yes, I would love to act it out, Jack. See if I can do it." His hands moved to cover Jack's where they still lay on his hips. "See if I can submit enough to give you control over something as uncontrollable as an orgasm. Be entirely at your mercy."

"Jane, I swear if you keep this up you'll have me in your ass in a minute."

"Is that a promise?"

"It's a threat", he growled.

Jane pushed back against Jack's body, and the obvious arousal he found turned him on even more. He let his head fall back against Jack's shoulder. Complete trust and surrender. "Take me, Jack, please. Make me submit to you."

"Well, since you ask so nicely..."

Jack stepped back and grabbed the back of Jane's neck, pushing him inside the cabin until his chest hit a wall. Still holding him in place he opened his own pants and told Jane to do the same. When he caught the first glimpse of Jane's naked ass he groaned and grabbed his cheek with his other hand. Jane pushed back into Jack's hand, and he grabbed harder. Pleasure and pain mixed in the moan that escaped Jane, but he didn't avoid Jack's touch.

~o0o~

Jack sank to his knees in front of Jane. He was nervous, and he didn't feel too good, but he tried to blame it on the fact that his joints didn't take the position well. He closed his eyes and took a breath, trying to get his nerves under control. He wanted this, dammit. And Lord knows Jane deserved it probably more than he wanted it. But of course Jane sensed Jack's tension. "Get up", soft, but determined. When Jack didn't comply Jane knelt, too. His hands came to rest on Jack's shoulders, and he closed his eyes and leaned in for a soft kiss. "Why don't we get comfortable", he breathed, a gentle smile on his face.

Jack got up from the floor but didn't look at Jane. "Make it as different from Iraq as possible?"

Jane smiled. "Exactly."

When they were laying side by side on the bed Jane went on: "Remember what I said prior to that massage you gave me?"

"You said I could touch you any way I want."

"Yeah. Why don't you make this as much about yourself as about me. Why don't you try and enjoy it as much as you possibly can."

Jack was silent for a moment, and then he hissed between clenched teeth: "I hate this."

Jane was shocked. "God, Jack, I told you, it's alright! You don't have to -"

"No, I mean I hate being like this. Fragile. Weak. I hate what they did to me, hate them for taking this away from me -"

"Jack, look at me."

"What, you decided to give the hypnosis a try?"

"Look at me. Please!"

When he did Jane flinched at the pain and despair – and the anger he saw. He took a deep breath. "Do you trust me, Jack?"

Jack relaxed visibly. He even smiled a little. "Yes. I do."

"To do what?"

"Excuse me?"

"You trust me to do what? There are different kinds of trust."

"Uh, I guess, I trust you – not to hurt me. Not to -" his voice cracked, "force me."

Jane reached out and gently pulled him into a kiss. "Exactly. Despite the fact that I wouldn't stand a chance if I tried to physically force you into anything – I'd never even try. I – care about you, Jack. I know I said I wanted your mouth on me -"

"You'd die to feel my mouth around your cock, if I recall correctly."

Jane was relieved beyond belief to see that smile on Jack's face. "Semantics", he grinned.

"So you want it. Badly."

"What guy in his right mind wouldn't?"

Jack chuckled and lay back on his back. "You remember I told you about Paul?"

Jane tried not to let his surprise show. "Uh, yeah, of course."

"I was a virgin. He wasn't. And he was gentle, and caring, and we never – I was too scared to actually sleep with him, so all we had were blow jobs, and I used to love it. Both ways, I mean. And all those years later those guards in Iraq turned it into something disgusting. Used it to humiliate me -" His voice trailed off. Jane had to force himself into a professional mind set. He could see Jack slip away, drift into a flash back, and he knew he had to do something. "Jack, listen to me. Listen to my voice. You're safe, you can relax. Breathe. Relax." He was fighting to lead Jack away from the abyss he had almost fallen into, and it worked. Jane couldn't remember ever feeling this relieved before. He was usually proud and satisfied when his methods worked, but this was different. A lot more personal. He gently guided Jack back to the surface and out of his trance. When he was absolutely sure that Jack was back he said: "I'm sorry. I didn't want to do this, but I was scared you'd slip into a flash back."

Jack turned towards him and rested his forehead against Jane's. "I was already half way there, Jane. Thank you."

For a few minutes neither of them spoke. It was Jack who finally did: "I wanna try again."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"What happened to 'I'd die to feel -'?"

"Jack. Seriously. You just barely avoided going through something horrible. Maybe you should rest a little, calm down."

"No. I want this back, Jane. They took it, and I want it back. Can you – guide me through it? Give me an anchor, I mean? Talk to me?"

Jane kissed him, deep, passionate, his hands roaming Jack's body. "Of course", he breathed when the kiss ended, panting, smiling. "If you're absolutely sure. And if you promise to stop the moment you're uncomfortable. Don't try to be brave. I need to know that you're enjoying it. OK?"

"OK."

Jack kissed Jane's chest, his mouth wandering lower, inch by inch.

"So you used to like this, huh?"

"Mhm", Jack hummed against Jane's stomach.

"More than being on the receiving end?"

Jack stilled. He had to consider that. "Back then? I guess I did, yeah."

"Paul was one lucky guy."

Jack smiled. "I don't feel like talking about Paul right now, Jane. This is for you. Because you're amazing." He kissed Jane's hip bone. "And sweet." His stomach. "And hot." The other hip bone. "And I'm crazy about you."

Jane's hand moved into Jack's hair, gentle, tender strokes. "Can you look at me for a moment, please?"

Jack lifted his head and met Jane's eyes, waiting. Jane's voice was a mere whisper: "You probably think I'm nuts for saying it, and for saying it now of all times, but I love you. I'm sorry if that's not what you want, but I can't help it. You're -"

Jack just smiled at him and placed a slow, open mouthed kiss against his stomach that made Jane groan in anticipation. It took him all he had to keep his hips still. Jack's lips wandered, and Jane lost the battle. He arched into the touch, reveling in the sensation of Jack's mouth on his skin. "God Jack, so good!" He thought he could feel Jack smile against his body, but the next moment he stopped thinking completely when he felt the tip of Jack's tongue run along his length. Circling his tip, sucking him into his warm mouth. He briefly remembered he was supposed to talk to Jack, but when he felt him hum his pleasure around his cock he decided it wasn't necessary - and he drifted off, losing himself in the bliss that was Jack's ministration. So good. Such pleasure. Such devotion. It didn't take long before he couldn't stand it any more. "Oh God, Jack, I'm so close!" It had been meant as a warning, but Jack just sucked him harder and swallowed his cum when he finally let go – every drop, to the last bit, licking his lips and Jane's tip afterward, and the smile on his face spoke volumes about how much exactly he had enjoyed doing this. Jane just lay on his back, completely spent, fully sated, and tried to recover. Jack's head rested in his lap, his lips brushing against his thigh.

"Come up here, please", Jane breathed as soon as he could. Jack pulled away almost reluctantly. "Good?"

Jane's smile was irresistible. "So much more than just good, Jack!"

Jack pulled him into his arms and nuzzled into the crook of his neck. "And by the way, I love you, too."