Right, let's get one thing clear, and you'll know this is true because I'm Cave Johnson and I'm the CEO of a company that hasn't been crushed from the overwhelming amount of crap that's literally above us at this very point because my company is underground. My employees, let's be honest, most of them don't actually listen. This is a bad thing because, whereas when you don't listen upstairs, you're either subject to being in a cage with a fat man or you're spanked by your parents. Or you're grounded, if spanking is now not the new cool. Or, if you're really creative, they kill you. Honestly hope that's not true, though! Then we won't have enough candidates for testing!
..Okay, Caroline informed me that joking about disturbing or grisly deaths may not have been the best way to start out a fairly informative new email for you. Hell if I care! Mentioning that possibility just gave me an idea! New device? The Robotic Cooperative Emotion-Lacking Sensor! No, it's not the sensor that lacks emotion, you morons. Last time we gave a robot emotions it suffered through tears of extremely sharp metal. Just.. don't ask me why I agreed to also giving it pain receptors. It got so upset, we had to.. listen, just learn something from this informative email.
INFORMATION TEXT-BASED POWERPOINT TO APERTURE SCIENCE'S INCLUSIONS
Greetings, viewer! This informational text-based powerpoint provided by my very own, personally looked-over paragraphs will be obviously informational for the newcomers and employees for entertainment and other. Before I start, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Cave Johnson, somehow unpopular despite CEO of Aperture Science!
Test chambers. Most people assume that test chambers are just walls, a ceiling and a floor. These "people" had better damn well be the newcomers, though. Now, they are that, except they're also much more. First, you've got air, pumped freshly through oxygen generators that can easily be manipulated, I'll be honest, but we do add a spice of CO2 in there. Now, the walls? They're just walls. Boring. Sit there all day and develop mold quite like many of my employees sitting in their chairs all day. There's also the occasional monkey. No, I'm not talking monkey and idiot, I'm talking full-blown monkey in a labcoat and nothing else. At this point, it's not a nuisance, it's a scientific breakthrough. The fact that employees are disappearing without a trace and replaced with monkeys?
Anyway, fortunately for all of us here, we've solved the boring wall problem tactfully by making the walls portalable, which isn't exactly a surprise considering these walls are in every test chamber and you NEED portals to solve the test. Unless you don't and solve it anyway, in which case I'll have Caroline not give you a medal, but have you kicked out for completing it the wrong way.
Panels. Fully configurable, infinitely variable and safe.. is what my thought was before the panels started killing our test subjects with minds of their own Is what I and the monkeys employees say about them! Test chambers used to sit there being solid. We made them better by adding in the panels, which allowed the walls to actually move and rotate! Now, honesty is a large portion of the Aperture Science guidelines, so let me stay true to that. The solidity of the test chambers actually began making people mad, and we didn't want to have things moving around for the hell of it. We wouldn't know if it was distracting them too much, aiding with the solving of the test or if it just drove them even more insane. That's why we incorporated panels into test chamber design.
The mentioning of panels was also necessary to the elder test subjects. Most of our death certificates associated with most of our old test subjects had them tiring out literally right in between the exit door because they apparently thought resting in between the door and the floor would mean victory. Instead.. well, you understand. Grisly. Therefore, our panels helped them! Now we just need to figure out why they fall asleep under crushers. Not sure if it's a coincidence or a subconscious death wish. Good stuff.
The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, the Aperture Science Quantum Tunneling Device, or ASHPD, if you will! At first glance, our fairly regular and criticized Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device seems, well, regular. I mean, it's nothing more than a beam on top with an aperture logo imprinted on the side. That, and it has no sense of artistic taste whatsoever. It's just white. I informed everyone to not take it for granted! Not just because it's a stupid design, but because it'll set off my employees. The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device is ridiculously important to them for some reason. Hell, we have over 120,000 in stock and yet they act as if we've got one. Gets on my nerves.
All arguments aside, the plain Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, without any artistic style, is by far our best invention. Each and every one of our chambers as well as test subjects rely on this baby, even the gels. Not the rigged gel, the regular gel. I must, MUST inform you that you may not take it apart and mess with the miniature black hole inside the device. Yes, you were probably expecting something more smarter-sounding than just "don't mess with it", but at the end of the day, I'm serious. Don't mess with the damn device.
The Quantum Space Hole! You learned about the Aperture Science Handhe- ASHPD. Now, you're wondering, "what's the hole it shoots out called?" Well, okay, you probably aren't concerned about the name of the hole, but how it works. To answer the predictable question and be perfectly clear and in an illogical manner, it shoots a hole... but doesn't. To be perfectly unclear and logical, it doesn't shoot a hole. First off, that's impossible. How do you shoot a hole? It's a beam, which then expands to become a quantum space hole!
Now, the olhe itself is the most complicated part. The hardest part is hoping for our lives that we aren't the first victims of a catastrophically ridiculous black hole incident. The easiest part.. well, there isn't really. We've spent a number of years attempting to develop the thing. Honestly, if you want to know how the tunneling process works, ask an employee.
And that concludes this lesson. A lesson that I had to summarize a hundred times earlier. It'd be shameful to be babysitting you all if I hadn't wrote and actually enjoyed this. Oh, and reading this and getting through it and actually getting it is the equivalent to 500 Science Safety Opportunity points. You won't imagine where I hid that lie detector! Good job, people, and get back to work!