Warden Cave here,
It's been a week since I've announced to all test subjects that they are now test prisoners. As of then, the whole damn colony's been rowdy. That might have to do with the fact that we still haven't fixed the gravitational stabilizers yet, so in case you hadn't noticed, we're still in zero gravity and not on the moon. In fact, hell, we're past the moon. Greg's telling me we've officially passed Mars, which means we've passed our last opportunity to last safely on a planet that can be landed on, which means that we'll forever be in zero gravity... which is bad because the LIKE button that I had the cores add to each individual's holding cell has been pressed negative times.
I'm serious; the scores on my screen are as followed, and I'll just pick one random place from the screen:
TEST PRISONER #374 - LIKED -55 TIMES
TEST PRISONER #375 LIKED -19 TIMES
TEST PRISONER #376 LIKED 4 TIMES
TEST PRISONER #377 LIKED 21 TIMES
TEST PRISONER #378 LIKED -149 TIMES
TEST PRISONER 379 LIKED -28 TIMES
Right, you get the point. First of all, you might be thinking that Test Prisoner #377 is lucky as all-hell and should be commemorated for all of the likes he's gotten. The fact that he's only got 21 likes but that's considered good is bad. It's true that I was half-tempted to literally commemorate him by taking him off the grid and back into normal, non-death testing, although I recently just checked up on his records and his likes skyrocketed from down -86 and up to 21 for managing to spray graffiti on the back of my office. That's a place which can't even be reached, by the way.
He's been sent to Test Death Row, the new wing, where he'll be filled to the brim with neurotoxin. #378, on the other hand, is hated for doing his job, which is to be a good prisoner, in addition to promoting friendly prison behavior, which is not to snag out cores from their respective places and somehow using the bot's insides to make a run for it. Some of my employees which have mistaken cores for prisoners with hollowed-out cores on their heads have been fired as a result of sheer stupidity, although Greg tells me that's hypocritical because every test prisoner is stupid because, hell, who becomes a prisoner in a place which was never a prison to begin with? Ha!
...The answer is, you don't, and so the employees and the thousands of test subjects don't have swirly-finger magic letting them see into the future and predicting my choices, which means I'm not a hypocrite because they never saw this coming. They aren't bad, I'm just the warden and I call the shots. Now, don't get me mistaken for Zealot Cave because I've put him in a giant cage. He's postponed his emails, it seems, but that's good because I swear if I see yet another thing clogging my mail up, even if it isn't promotions to become a giant damn cowbell, I'll fire them!
Literally, actually. We're in space and now we've got good reason to use those stored-up jetpacks we didn't have any use for other than to pin bodies up there for show in case we got another batch of psychopaths that didn't like the facility because they didn't see pinned-up bodies stuck in giant spikes. And yes, that's why we've had those spikes just sitting there. If you don't remember anything of any bodies being pinned up there, you won't now. We've been wiping everyone's memory on that specific event.
- Cave Johnson, Warden