It's Warden Cave,
Good news first, the gravity stabilizers finally managed to stabilize themselves. That means zero G is once again gone and therefore everyone in the facility is able to do their jobs. Now, while that accounts for the employees, the prisoners on the other hand do not have jobs and rather run on demands, one of which is perpetual, that being to shut yourselves up. It's as simple as that. I'm amazed that the rule not to have more than fifty people in one place in Test Death Row hasn't been broken yet. Alright, that concludes the good news; now for the bad news. Readers, you might want to brace yourselves because the next few paragraphs will be nothing but bad news. If any employees didn't walk through the negative nullifier just up yonder near Test sphere-prison #6, get yourselves restrained. No, really; after this, it's 99% negativity and 1% nothing at all, so you might literally want to brace yourself down into a steel bed while reading it.
The bad news is, when we fixed and launched the gravity stabilization modules on the outer rim of the colony, Greg forgot to tell me that there were still people floating more than fifty to one-hundred feet off the ground. The mail that mentioned having to get yourself to float downward to the ground just as we fixed them was never even sent, and as a result of that, we've lost over five-hundred test prisoners and employees! I can't find anyone else to blame but Zealot Cave, who's still a monkey for those still concerned, and as a result we've strapped a jetpack to the guy and fired his ass out at full throttle into the emptiness of space. Good riddance.
The additional bad news is, prisoners are now using my previous email to their advantage and are now up-rating every test prisoner they know and pinning crimes on them, some of them not only being law-breaking but instead breaking both the laws of physics and of science. I'm looking through the files here and one test prisoner's been reported to knit himself a red cape, gel up his hair (with the repulsion gel), strap on tights, fly outside the colony, grab the damn colony and throw it even farther into space. Another one, test prisoner #45, says that he stabbed himself with a wire, pledged himself to drinking conversion gel up to the throat, setting the wire on fire and blowing himself up, effectively making himself a conversion gel bomb. There's only one good thing that cave out of this; the blood mixed in with the gel so much so that it was obsolete at this point.
Continuing that 'good news', it was soon realized that the blood-mixing was intentional, which means that there was never good news to even begin with. The case is that blood and conversion gel don't mix well together and instead burns to a deadly degree through anything, so much that it has created a hole in the hull and that's why we sealed it up. As a result of that accident-slash-plan, we've lost an additional fifty-three test prisoners. The hemogel's still floating around the colony because we're either so important or so physically big that we've developed a gravitational pull. That's not good because, once again, the rings around the colony are not rock-rings the likes of Saturn but rather deadly, burn-through-anything gels.
Even worse is that I mentioned swirly-finger magic in my last email. Well, it turns out that one test prisoner, namely #666, has actually managed to stop me dead in my logic-streak track. That's to say, anyone who gets in my way typically gets out of the way when I throw at them complicated scientific words like hemogel, repulsion gel, conversion gel, propulsion gel and such other gels. This time, he's stopped me by actually confirming the existence of magic. So, you know, to the prisoners: Go team. Look, I'm Warden Cave Johnson but I'd been, at a time, personally affiliated with the original Cave Johnson from Terra-1 and he told me that he'd had a problem with… I don't know, what was it, Greg? That's right, a 'regurgitated gel problem.' Right, that sounds accurate enough; my point is, we're now having gel problems.
So, to sum it all up, we've got a large amount of people dead because of the stabilizers going online, prisoners are being automatically terminated for being rated good on the LIKE scale, we've been surrounded with a ring of 'hemogel', we're having to deal with a test prisoner who's independently discovered magic and we're having reproducible gel issues. If you've braced yourself, you can let yourself out now. You've officially dealt with the most negative email ever!
- Cave Johnson, Warden