Cave Johnson again,
Terra-1 reporting! No, seriously, chariots chariots. It seems as though every employee has been getting emails from unknown, now-known alternate versions of me; specifically, much more extreme versions of me. That's to say a monkey Cave convinced that he's fooled you all with the concept of Caveology and a madman Cave who turned Aperture into a prison. I'm just going to go out and say, before a hit is placed on my very life, that I am 100% original. It turns out that Zealot and Warden Cave refrained from mentioning that a damn movie inspired them to do the things that they did. I'm just going to predict that Zealot Cave was inspired by some sort of bible-and-kuran audiobook while Warden Cave, on the other hand, was inspired by Good Will Hunting. I don't know how the hell that even works, but then again I'm the guy who's replaced everyone's underwear this morning with crystallized uranium, so I suppose other Cave Johnsons have other hobbies. Again, Good Will Hunting?
Now, we've got some pretty good news and some bad news that's likely to make the good news not seem good anymore. Greg tells me that I should chronologically order the bad news at the front and the good news at the end so that readers can go out with a bang. When I say that, by the way, I don't mean going out with a gunshot to the head; I'm talking about me making the last paragraph good news and to such a positive extent that it hits you like a speeding piano playing Chopin. That's an actual test, by the way. Follow the maroon line on the floor near test sphere #2. You're going to want some keys placed on and in you so that any pain caused by the speeding piano will cause you to play along with it in sync… mostly in sync. It's there to show you that if you're in massive pain and dying and are about to die, you can assure yourself that you contributed to science by actively playing Chopin.
Now, you're probably telling yourself, "Cave, I don't like pianos." Guess what I don't like? Ramps for the disabled. At this point, it's not a matter of kindness; it's a matter of why the disabled are in a facility like this! Go back to your families and take the help that you need; we're offering nothing! If you plan on rolling up and down the ramps, a place which, by the way, non-disabled people actively share because I had to put ramps in the facility, I'll fire you. I don't need consent because this is Aperture Science and I'm the boss around here. Anyway, if you don't like pianos, that's okay because right next to the 'Speeding Piano Playing Chopin' room there are five others with a saxophone, a bagpipe, a violin, a guitar and a harmonica. There's also one bigger room next to all of them named the 'Room Where You Get Hit By Every Instrument Next To This Room.' The name should be able to cover the would-be explanation.
You might be asking yourself a very trivial question now: Cave, how's that bad news? That sounds like good news to me, damn it! The answer is, I didn't take Greg's chronological suggestion. He's been under the impression that he too is a boss. The actual fact is, he's just another employee allowed into my office for an indefinite amount of time until I decide he's put in a position of power. Okay, the bad news? That'll come tomorrow. I've just finished installing a vending machine into my office and in my computer and I'd like to feel good for about a day before getting back to the Aperture Depression. Alright, get back to work!
-Cave Johnson