Cave Johnson again,
The last email I sent involved the new Aperture device that plays music. Look, I'd print it out again, but I'm in a hurry. It turns out that the success of the new Aperture version of your mp3 players has created a disastrous domino effect across the entire multiverse. I'll summarize one thing up: music's as fast as the speed of light, study shows. Now, how'd I get that study? Well, by no one else but Dub-Cave Step-prime himself! Is this good? No, I'm being unnecessarily sarcastic. The fact is I'm being held hostage by a version of me which doesn't have a physical form. He communicates literally through music. I'd say he sounds bad but then he'd turn me into a musical note.
…alright, Dub-Cave Step-prime just gave me an update. Namely, an update he gave me five minutes after that first sentence of mine, because when he tried to communicate with me, he wound up frying my brain. He's saying that he can't transform me into a musical note, but he can turn me into a form of energy which represents sound waves, but isn't sound waves. He's saying that this is why music is so euphoric; it's not sound waves in his universe, it's… a state of being.
Now he's telling me that if anyone stops listening to the Aperture-brand Personal Audio Player Device, or APAPD as it's known colloquially throughout the facilities, they'll be turned into audio sound wave energy and damned to the Nether, which is the universe in his words. He says that while personally travelling faster than light sounds wonderful, it's not. He's using me to advertise this personal motto of his:
CHECK YO-SELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YO-SELF
And… that's it. He's gone; he's gone from my mind and he's no longer here. Alright, folks! Give me a few hours of personal therapy and I'll get back to you. Oh, by the way, very informative motto, Dub-Cave Step-prime.