It's Cave Johnson.
Now, instead of you people doing your jobs, a couple thousand test subjects and employees are starting to wonder if I'm ageless or godlike instead of testing for it and coming up with their own conclusions – and that's in the job description, how did you people manage to pass your own tests on the first day? – you've all instead decided to take the easier route. That's to say, you're literally just going to tell me that you're wondering if I'm ageless or involved in any godly business. Well, the answer is, I'm not! Still working on communicating with Saturn, though. The planet. I'm only conversing with things that are there; gonna admit, we're having some issues. Alright, next thing.
The APAPD mentioned in my last two emails before this is no longer in circulation. You idiots get to keep your little devices but I've already warned you all that the much-familiar Dub-Cave Step-prime could get into your heads and crush 'em, or otherwise make you go crazy. The problem is, the insanity comes from a whole number of things present in our facility. For instance, your own co-workers. Gels. The concept of Aperture Science itself… etcetera. It's why I've made sure I'll be charting the insanity chances of people with and without the APAPD.
Also, don't give the APAPD to anyone! That's a damn order! I don't want the graph getting messy because test subject #78 gave little Johnny his music device to play with. As grisly as it is to discuss, if any children die while they're visiting the place, you're getting tossed into a rotatory crusher. I'm not joking. Hell, we've even got an order from the judges up top that we can enforce our own laws if we want to. Actually, that means the whole civil dispute thing regarding human rights in testing facilities – the one that's lasted for a good thirty-five years or so - has gone completely down the drain. Sorry. I probably should've mentioned that a couple years ago! Heh-heh.
I'm also getting complaints that emails are in the 'old', and tablets are in business again. What do you want me to do? Build a pyramid in the lobby? We're not using tablets! As far as I'm concerned, the only injuries from emails have been papercuts, and I don't want anything worse. Also, happy early Halloween! Get the facility decorated. Yes, that means you too, little Johnny!