Cave "Chariots-Man" Johnson here!
It's come to the unfortunate reality, the reality that Greg-horse predicted, that some Cave in some galaxy in some universe would eventually use the word 'chariots' in his vocabulary other than to refer to how I'd, beforehand, trashed about five million alternate Cave's alternate Aperture's with, you guessed it, chariots. Horses included, by the way. Just let me know if you'd like to buy one as well; hell, why wouldn't you? Wall A's crammed with animals capable of the pulling and Wall B's the actual chariot themselves. All metal and such other similar materials now, though; we realized that test subjects and employees alike had some sorta psychological thrill from setting chariots on fire, the animal with it. Seemed to be funnier with the rhinos, but I say if we're gonna set chariots on fire, strap five cheetahs to it!
Right, we're getting off track. The point is to warn any Cave Johnson's that aren't me not to use the word 'chariots' again! Oh, but if there's a Cave that's anywhere similar to me, and I'm thinking half-Cave half-chariot or, hell, just a chariot who's in charge of Aperture to begin with, then you should come on down to MY Aperture for a raise. Yeah, that kind of raise! The raise where I strap gold plates to your wheels, and... hold on, Greg's giving me a list of things you'll get if you're anywhere near related to the distant cousins of chariots.
Right, list of things you'll be getting if you're to get a raise:
Gold-plated rims
Gold-plated roof
Gold-plated MP6 device
Gold-plated CUSTOM HERE
And that's it. Alright, before I forget, do NOT go to the raise manager as a human. This raise is chariot-only. The only reason I've kept that manager activated in its current corrupted state is because I'd like to see how many of you read this email, and which ones of who do it anyway or... well, who doesn't. Look, I've seen the outcome, and you don't want to hear it.
...unless you do want to hear it, in which case head on down to the Story-time Testing Ring. Greg-horse is our host.
-Cave "Chariots-Man" Johnson
PS: Yes, we've literally exhausted so many minerals, the only one we've got left is gold. And to be honest, it's not actually valuable anymore. In fact, it's so non-valuable that the employees have been using gold cream as toothpaste for the past five months.