A/N: SORRYSORRYSORRYSORRY! I promise I've been trying to upload this! I've had it ready for almost a week but between real life (I'm starting university next week, v. stressful and time consuming), doing crazy hours at work to make up for the fact that I won't be able to work full time anymore, and FFdotNet not letting me log in for six days it's been a little impossible. But it's here, and the next chapter shouldn't take as long to get up.
Whomever it was who recced me on TVTropes: Bless you. Bless your family, bless your children, bless your country and your cow. I fucking LOVE TVTropes and knowing that I'm on there is basically the best thing in my life ever. Reviews, as always, make my heart atwitter. I know I haven't been as good about responding to them recently, I'm having some trouble focusing recently - not a good sign for my mental health, I realise, but not much I can do but push through at this point. Hope this chapter lives up to expectations.
A soft, familiar, wonderful voice calling his name woke him up.
"Harry, sweetheart?"
Harry's eyes drifted open and he felt a slight smile twitch at the corner of his mouth as Kurt's face came into view. His boyfriend looked tired and haggard, his eyes bright and worried, but he was still the most beautiful thing Harry had ever seen.
"Kurt," he whispered gratefully, raising a heavy hand to trace his fingers down Kurt's jaw. "God it's good to see you."
"It's good to see you recognising me," Kurt laughed, his voice slightly choked with relief. He raised an equally hesitant hand to Harry's face, cupping his boyfriend's jaw in his palm carefully. He was leaning over Harry on the bed, wearing a relatively simple outfit for him - Harry couldn't see a single accessory. Hermione was still out cold next to them and didn't even stir as Kurt sat down facing Harry, dropping his hand from the wizard's face to his wrist.
"How are you feeling?" Kurt's voice was wavering slightly, and he barely blinked as he took in Harry's clear eyes and content smile. Harry laughed a little nervously, glancing away.
"Physically or otherwise?" he tried to make it sound like a joke but they both knew he had a point. Kurt's thumb was stroking the back of Harry's hand lightly as he took a deep breath, letting it out on a sigh as he reluctantly admitted. "I have a headache. I'm really tired. I'm thirsty and hungry and I feel kind of like I'm going to keel over."
"And otherwise?" Kurt prompted, glasz eyes gentle. Harry cringed a little.
"Just scared, mostly. Anxious," the wizard sighed, deciding against mentioning the little voice in the back of his head still screaming for him to slice himself up, to remove himself from the equation for everyone else's sake - Kurt doesn't need to worry about that right now. "I'm really jumpy and I always feel like I'm going to cry. But I'm okay, love. I'm not going anywhere. Are you okay?"
Kurt let out another strangled laugh and pressed his forehead to Harry's hands, clasping them so tightly in his own that the wizard could feel his bones creaking. Harry felt guilt begin to break through his tissue thin hold on coherence and he felt a tremor run through his body. Kurt looked up at him when he felt it, quickly straightening and looking Harry firmly in the eyes, "Harry, I'm not going to lie and say that this week hasn't been one of the most stressful times in my whole life and that I don't need sleep as much as Hermione clearly did but don't you dare think that I regret or resent it. I'd do it all again if I had to. It's just - God, Harry, I was so scared for you."
Kurt voice cracked on the last word and tears welled up in his gorgeous ocean eyes. Harry felt his own eyes grow damp as Kurt went on, his high voice as broken and distressed as Harry had ever heard it, "This week has been utter hell, and it's all the worse because you kept talking in your sleep and I could hear how scared and hopeless you were and it was just a week for me but it was a whole life for you and I don't know how you did it. I really don't know how you could have - I love you, do you realise that? I know I told you a week ago but I don't know if you remember so let me tell you again: I love you, Harry Potter. I love you so damn much I don't remember how I ever didn't love you. You're so damn strong and that's what's kept me going this week through watching you suffer and not sleeping and Karofsky and New Directions basically imploding into a dramatic bubble because you got through worse and came out the other side the amazing man I fell in love with and - and - and -"
"I love you too," Harry managed to force out when Kurt ran out of breath, sounding a little breathless himself as Kurt - his Kurt - practically burst with love for him. Kurt let out a choked sob and practically launched himself into Harry's arms, burying his face in the side of Harry's neck and ignoring the fact that his back almost folded in half for him to do so."Kurt, I do. I love you. I'm so sorry you had to go through this - I'm sorry I put you through it. But I swear to you, it's over. I'm - I'm going to be all right, love."
"You'd fucking better," Kurt mumbled against Harry's pulse, his tears dampening his boyfriend's t-shirt. "I swear I'll help you, just - get better."
"I will," Harry swore, pushing away every doubt and fear he had for one moment. I can worry about the details later, just be there for him. He was there for you.
The teenagers sat in silence for a moment, Harry idly noticing that Hermione had snuck out at some point - probably realised she was interupting something, Merlin knows I'd forgotten she was there- when something else Kurt had said in the last few minutes sunk in.
"Kurt," he began slowly, pulling out of their embrace to look Kurt in the eye. "What's been happening at school?"
Kurt let out an almost frightened huff and looked at the ceiling, a look of feigned annoyance so clearly fake Harry was almost offended, "Well, Quinn dumped Sam and is now diligently attempting to break Finn and Rachel up, and Rachel is being a little diva again and might actually play right into Quinn's hands, Santana and Tina of all people got into a cat-fight over a song for Regionals, and I'm pretty sure we're going to be writing original songs for that even though none of us have ever done any song writing before - with the exception of Rachel, and her attempt was laughably bad-"
"Yes, that's all interesting but... what did you say about Karofsky?" Harry's eyes widened when Kurt flinched at the name, and a white hot thread of anger- the first he'd really felt in a week - shot through his body. "Kurt, what did he do? Do you need me to - "
"I need you to get better and let me handle my own problems," Kurt interrupted, his voice firm and his face solemn, though pale. "It's not a big deal, he didn't - he hadn't hurt me any more than he usually does. He just... look, I'll tell you about it in a few days, okay? When we've both gotten a little more sleep. For now the situation is under control, and I've been talking to Blaine about it so I'm not handling it alone. Can't that be enough?"
Kurt must have seen something flicker across Harry's face at Blaine's name because he paused, faint suspicion creeping onto his face, "Harry... you don't have a problem with Blaine, do you?"
"That's not what we were talking about," Harry shook his head, cursing internally when he felt his cheeks heat up. "Are you sure you can handle Karofsky? Is he hurting you?"
"No, Karofsky is fine. What's your problem with Blaine?" to Harry's surprise, Kurt didn't look at all annoyed. In fact, a slight smile was twitching at the corner of his mouth, and when Harry hesitated he looked downright delighted. "Harry James Potter, are you jealous?"
"No!" Harry protested, blushing redder when Kurt began to giggle. "I'm not jealous, I just worry."
"And what, exactly, are you worrying about?" Kurt tilting his head playfully, running his fingers up the bare skin of Harry's wrists. Harry dropped his eyes and mumbled.
"...about the handsome and charming gay boy you're spending so much time with stealing you away?"
"You're jealous," Kurt declared, sounding totally thrilled. "Jealous. Really? You know I only have eyes for you, sweetheart."
"Well, excuse me if I'm worried about my sexy and perfect boyfriend realising he can do better than a drug-addicted midget zombie," Harry muttered at his knees, refusing to look up again. Kurt poked him hard on the shoulder, and he looked up at his boyfriend balefully. Kurt was scowling now, shooting Harry a serious Look.
"Please Harry. Give me some credit. Drug-addled midget is one thing, but I'm not going to leave you for someone who thinks Katy Perry is more talented than Gaga. I have some standards. Honestly," he sniffed disdainfully, and Harry felt affection well up in his chest, overpowering the lingering worry and stress just for a moment. Kurt shot him a soft look, smiling gently. "Sweetie, Blaine is cute and we get along well, but I only have eyes for you. He's a friend. Nothing more. Do not make worrying about him something else on your plate right now."
"I suppose with the whole drug-addiction and recent homelessness and diagnosable major depressive episode and the missing guardian I could probably leave the normal teenage drama to the rest of the club," Harry agreed, sinking back against the headboard of Kurt's bed. Being with Kurt made him feel so much calmer, so much more in control, and when his boyfriend toed off his shoes to slide up next to him, allowing Harry to snuggled against his chest, Harry couldn't help his contented sigh. "So Quinn and Sam, huh?"
"Yeah, I was totally surprised, but she's a little strange right now..."
Kurt went on to talk about how Jacob Ben Israel had tried to interview the Glee clubbers about Harry's whereabouts, only to have had Brittany steal his camera and somehow feed it to her cat, and how Mercedes had had to be physically restrained when Rachel had used the phrase, "to showcase my talents," one too many times. It was easy and familiar, the club's gossip and drama, so Harry let himself drift into a happy daze. He still jumped a foot in the air when he heard a knock at the door, his heart racing and instantly on alert, but when Hermione stuck her head around the door he managed to keep his cool.
"If you boys are all right I might head back to yours, Harry," she smiled tiredly at them, pushing her frizzy hair behind her ear. "Ron might be up by now."
"Could you bring me some of my clothes when you come back? That is," Harry turned to Kurt and bit his lip. "Will you and your family mind if I stay here for a little while longer-?"
"If you think we're letting you leave you've got another thing coming," Kurt huffed, tugging Harry closer to his side. "You said it yourself, the worst is over but you're not better yet, and we're going to help you. You're not going anywhere."
"You just like having him in your bed," Hermione quipped, smirking a little when she saw how they both blushed. "I'll bring you some clothes and your toothbrush, Harry. Do you need anything else?"
"My phone, if you find it and it isn't broken," Harry thought for a moment. "And - could you bring me some of my photographs? Of my parents and stuff?"
"Sure," she agreed easily, waving to Kurt. "I'll see you boys tonight."
Kurt waved back and turned to Harry with a smile, "Mr Schuester told the rest of the group that a couple of them could come over after school. Is there anything you want to do before they get here? Eat something or..."
"I had something to eat before I showered," Harry shook his head. His hands began to faintly tremble at the idea of seeing other people, of other people than Kurt and Hermione seeing him. Without his magic available to him he felt more vulnerable than ever, and even if it was only Puck or Quinn or Brittany and Santana... he was utterly, irrationally terrified.
See people, can I really see people? I can't defend myself, I don't know if it's really them what if it isn't, it might not be - no, stop, don't do this, I can't do this, I can't let my fear control me like this. It's not rational, I know it's not rational, everything is fine so just stop being so scared -
"You don't have to see anyone if you don't want to, sweetie," Kurt's voice was careful, controlled. His hands were closed on Harry's fingers, stopping him from digging his nails into his wrists. Harry stared at the little crescent marks on his skin - he hadn't even noticed he was doing it. "I can just call them and tell them to wait another couple of days."
"No, I want to see them, I just - " Harry cut himself off, running his hands through his hair and taking a slow breath. "I'm okay. I need to - I need to do this."
"You don't need to, it's just if you'd like to," Kurt argued, but Harry shook his head.
"I can't let myself get stuck in a rut just because it's safe, Kurt. If I do, I'll never get better," Harry thought back to the year Remus had spent in St Mungos, barely talking to anyone, just staring at the walls. "I can't guarantee I won't have an anxiety attack after five minutes, but I need to try."
"I'll be here the whole time," Kurt promised, squeezing Harry's hand. He shuffled off to the side of the bed, slipping off and straightening his clothes in a graceful movement Harry couldn't pull off in his wildest dreams. "I should probably grab some snacks and drinks to set up in here, though, so I don't have to leave again. Do you want to come to the kitchen?"
Harry tried not to flinch at the thought of going downstairs, leaving his safe little Kurt-filled bubble, but he tried to push it aside, "I'll come down."
He staggered to his feet again, taking Kurt's offered hand gratefully, and they made their way down the stairs. The Hudmel living room, which had always seemed so inviting and homey to Harry before, was suddenly so threatening. The wizard froze at the bottom of the stairs, staring at the large bay window diagonally across from him. He'd seen that window a hundred times, even sat curled up in the windowsill with Kurt one cold December evening, watching snowflakes fall onto the garden beds. How had he never noticed how open it was? Anyone on the street could see in, they had a direct line of fire to anyone sitting in the livingroom, it wasn't safe at all-
"Sweetheart?"
Kurt's voice, even as gently concerned as it was, made Harry just about jump out of his skin. As it was he twisted hard against his boyfriend's side, grabbing at Kurt's shirt before he knew what he was doing.
"We're too -" exposed was what he was going to say, but the words died off at the sight of the familiar blue-green of Kurt's eyes. This is Kurt's living room. We're in Lima. There's nothing to be afraid of here except school yard bullies and ignorance. I know that. What just happened?Kurt tilted his head a little as Harry's grip on his shirt loosened. Harry shook his head to try and shift the sudden cobwebs in his mind.
We're not - this isn't - I was so sure, so sure that we were in danger but we're not, I know we're not, what did I - what did I think...?
He'd been half in a flashback without realising it, a big part of his mind back in England with an assault team behind him and every open entry-point a danger, every unknown factor a danger. For that moment, that split second, he'd been an honest-to-god danger to Kurt.
"Christ," was all Harry managed to mutter, rocking back on his heels. He dropped his hand to his side, then grabbing at his own shirt when he automatically went for his wand. "Jesus Christ."
"What is it?" Kurt demanded, looking wildly between Harry, his hands and the window. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, everything's fine," Harry shook his head wildly, glancing back at the window. It's just a window, for fuck's sake, Potter. Keep it together."I just - forgot where I was for a moment. Big open windows like that would have been a bad thing last year."
"Oh, yeah, I guess it would have been," Kurt smiled a little, shooting the window a worried glance. "Would you - I can draw the curtains, just give me a second -"
"No, Kurt, it's fine. I'm okay, it was irrational," Harry argued, still edging towards the kitchen. "I know we're safe here, I'm just - I'm just..."
To Harry's embarrassment, tears started welling in his eyes again. He let out a weak laugh and rubbed helplessly at his eyes. To his credit, Kurt didn't say anything. He just took Harry's hand, gave it a gentle squeeze, and led him into the kitchen. When Harry was comfortably sat at the kitchen table (a box of tissues and a glass of water having been provided without comment) Kurt began pottering around, setting out a tray and putting a few plates of biscuits and snacks on it. Harry bit at his nails and let his eyes flick between the open kitchen window (thankfully facing the yard rather than the street) and the door to the living room. He could feel his pulse in his throat jumping almost nauseatingly, fast and uncomfortable. His hands were sweating even as he clutched at the cool water glass, and he couldn't help but drum his fingers against every surface in arms reach.
Fuck, it feels like my skin is crawling, surely this is just the last bit of withdrawal and I'm not just going to feel like this forever? What was that oh it was just Kurt closing the fridge door, I knew that, I know that, god, why can't I just sit still? Tap tap tap can't stop tapping it must be bothering Kurt but I can't stop I can't stop no no no do not hyperventilate, Potter, you have no goddamn reason to be panicking right now! Just just just just breathe slow, breathe deep, like the healer taught you no don't dig your nails in, just breathe, just breathe.
The soft hand on his arm made him jump and cry out, automatically going for his wand. Kurt took a step back and raised his hands in surrender, his eyes going wide at the obvious aggression in Harry's stance. It was enough to snap Harry out of his terrified defence, and he dropped his hands loosely by his sides.
"All right? You're not - you're here, right?" Kurt glanced to the side, and Harry nodded slowly.
"I'm - I'm here. Merlin, I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have - you just started me," the wizard stammered, shaking his head. "I'm here. I'm here, I promise. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, I know you can't control it," Kurt waved off Harry's apology, the tension slipping from his shoulders as he picked up the snack-ladened tray. "Can you grab the sodas from the bench? I figure no one will drink more than one, right? And if they do they can get it their damn selves, I'm tired and I've been a good host all week. Right?"
"Uh, right," Harry started a little at the abrupt change of subject, grabbing the sodas Kurt was nodding to. He trailed after his boyfriend back up the stairsdeterminedly not looking at the living room window as he did, and he couldn't help his relieved sigh when they reached Kurt's room. He set the cans down on the desk at Kurt's instruction and sat on the edge of the bed, running his fingers across its smooth surface thoughtfully. Kurt bustled around for a moment, resting the tray of snacks next to the drinks and moving his school bag under the desk.
"It's a lot tidier in here than this morning, did Hermione clean up?" he asked Harry distractedly, and Harry cleared his throat softly.
"Yeah, after I woke up. Look, Kurt, about a few minutes ago..." he trailed off with a meek glance in his boyfriend's direction. Kurt looked over his shoulder with a curious frown.
"Yes?" he prompted when Harry hesitated, wandering across the room to fluff the mountains of pillows at the head of his bed. Harry bit his lip.
"You did the right thing, moving back and r-raising your hands like that, but you need to promise me that you'll stay away from me if I go into a flashback," the wizard rushed out, that moment earlier when he'd unconsciously gone for his wand sticking in his mind. Kurt's frown deepened as Harry went on, his words rushed and tripping over one another. "The last thing I want is to hurt you, love, I couldn't stand it if I did, and I get so confused when I'm like that. I'm not asking you to not be there for me or whatever you want to do, just - you need to be careful, all right? Because even if I don't want to be I am a danger to you when that happens."
"I'll be careful," Kurt promised, an oddly determined expression sinking into his features. "I won't grab you when you're not looking at me or anything. I promise I'll be careful. But sweetie, you know I wouldn't blame you if something happened, right?"
At Harry's puzzled look Kurt sighed and sat down next to him, shoulder to shoulder, "If you did push me away or lash out at me during a flashback... I wouldn't blame you. I wouldn't be angry at you for doing something you can't help. And I'm not saying, no, listen - " Kurt nudged Harry silent when he began to protest, smiling a little wryly, "I'm am definitely not saying that if you were to hit me in some other context - say, during a fight or something - that I wouldn't get angry then. If you got physical with me in any other context, then we would be having words. Stern words. Possibly shouted words as I kicked you out of the house. That I wouldn't put up with. But accidentally when you're in a flashback or something - "
"I would never get violent with you like that, Kurt," Harry protested, hurt seeping into his words. Kurt shook his head.
"I know, sweetie, I'm not saying you'd ever do that, I'm just saying that there's a difference between a terrified, panicked person lashing out unintentionally during hysteria and someone becoming violent because of anger or whatever," he patted Harry's arm gently and leaned in to press a kiss to Harry's forehead. "So I'll be careful, sweetie, but don't feel like you need to be afraid of losing me if something does go wrong."
"Thank you," Harry whispered, resting his forehead against Kurt's shoulder. He sighed when long fingers began running through his hair, nuzzling the cashmere in front of him. "I just - thank you. I don't know how I got so lucky as to find you."
"I guess after your life you were due for some good karma," Kurt teased, squeezing the base of Harry's neck affectionately. Harry laughed a little into Kurt's shoulder.
"Definitely. How are you real?" he pulled back to look into Kurt's blue-green eyes. "I wonder that, sometimes, if I didn't just dream you up somehow. How did I go from London to the middle of nowhere and manage to find the one person in the world who would get me and could know me without having to know all my secrets? And someone who would put his whole life on hold to help me? You're like a dream, Kurt."
"I could say the same thing to you," Kurt's voice cracked a little, his smile wide even as his eyes welled with tears. "I fell for you so fast, do you know that? Within, like, a week I was daydreaming about you and writing your name in hearts on all my homework. Mercedes thought it was hilarious. You were just so brave and so accepting - I've honestly never known anyone who honestly didn't even react to my sexuality. It meant no more to you than the colour of my hair or the freckles on my arms and it felt like breathing for the first time."
"Hey, don't cry, love," Harry raised a hand to wipe a few tears of Kurt's face. His smile felt wider and more natural than any expression he'd held for the last week, relaxing his face and easing tension he didn't know he was carrying. The wizard leaned forward to press his lips gently to Kurt's, kissing away the salt from his tears as they just revelled in one another, cuddled up against the other's side.