Erienne did not know how long she had been kneeling down by the bed when she realised that she was not alone in the room. Thranduil was behind her. She knew that she ought to be scared, for she truly did not know what he would do or how he felt about her as a mate. She had thrown words at him without thought and he had left the study without a word. But, in truth, Erienne could feel nothing. So saturated were her feelings at that moment that she did not have the energy to feel anymore. Neither did she have the courage to turn around and face him.
Thranduil did not say anything to her. Instead, he went out to the balcony and stood, looking out. The evening sun was still in the sky providing warmth from the cold, autumn winds and Mirkwood's forests bathed in the lights of autumn was a breath taking sight to behold. "Autumn has come and gone for many years afore but 'tis only today that its beauty had dawned upon me, Erienne." Erienne felt her lips trembling, the sound of her name upon his lips was so heart-warming. Yet, no words still managed to escape her lips and silence was her only response. "Will you not stand by me to enjoy this moment, Erienne?" Thranduil asked this time turning towards her, his right arm stretched out to her, beckoning her towards him.
Yet, Erienne hesitated. "M..my .. my lord, I ought to apologise for my words just now. I threw them at you with neither thought nor respect."
Thranduil gave her a partially amused smile, "I expected no less, my lady. Do I not know how fond you are of Aradan? 'Twas why I used him, for only his hurt could cause you to lose your temper like that."
Erienne bit her lips. That was yet another reason she respected Thranduil so much. He had accepted her feelings for Aradan with no question.
"I still need to tell you something," she managed to stammer out through her veil. Thranduil merely tilted his head at an angle to indicate that he was listening and made his way towards her. Reaching out, he took her hands and led her to the balcony. "My lord, your babe...I…I…Thranduil, I did not lose the babe naturally….the wildmen..they kept coming…Azog, he wanted the babe to be born, I did not..so.." Erienne was trembling unable to look at him.
Thranduil turned around. He could not bear the pain he saw in her eyes, his own brimming with his unshed tears. Slowly, he brought his fingers to her veil, touching them gently. When he saw that she did not flinch, he rested his palm upon her cheeks. "Our babe, meleth. And can it be a greater loss to me than it already is to you, my Queen?" He lifted her chin up stroking her face to look upon him. Erienne could feel her lips trembling. Quivering for a minute, she went on, "I …..my ..l..Thranduil, that is not all. You have already seen part of my body. 'Tis all over like that. And I am not the same wife who left you. I .. my lord.." Erienne had difficulty continuing, but before Thranduil could say anything, she interrupted, "the Wildmen of Dunland…t..they… took their p..pleasu..After a while, I stopped fighting them. I let them do it." Again, Erienne did not have the courage to go on. She knew she was repeating herself but she was panicking.
Thranduil inhaled slowly. War always brought out the worst of the demons in an aggressor. And what was there to say for one as evil as Sauron? He had known it would have happened, even before he had ever seen her at Dale, or when she lay injured in his tent.
Even if it had been an adaneth, a mortal woman, Sauron would not have spared her, less to say of an Elven Queen. Yet, despite the fact that it was no surprise, it took all of Thranduil's restraint to contain the anger that threatened to erupt forth. Taking Thranduil's reaction for displeasure, Erienne made to move away, her eyes closed in a brave attempt to pretend that it did not matter. Thranduil pulled her back, tightening his hold upon her.
An elf could only take so much, couldn't he? He had not been a good father, he could only wonder if he was a good enough King and he was definitely the worst as it came to husbands. It had been his duty to protect Erienne, yet he had failed in it. He had deliberately made the decision not to enter Dol Guldur to save her. The cold calculation that he had made of the cost of his Elves' lives in an attack and the chaotic state of Mirkwood with the death of his father had prevented him from taking any action. He had focused on rebuilding his kingdom, paying the highest possible price he could for it.
Thranduil bowed his head and felt himself sinking to the floor as Erienne watched in fear, unsure of what to do. "Forgive me, Erienne. I had been selfish and cruel. 'Twas my fault that I made no move to save you. I have with my own hands pushed you to the worst of fates. I have no excuse, Erienne. 'Tis only your forgiveness that I can seek."
The words came as a shock to Erienne. She had been so fearful of looking at him and so ashamed of herself. Now, that she saw clearly, she could see his eyes holding the sorrow that he could neither speak of nor ward off. The guilt that had been eating him for all these years had taken a toll on his body. His body. Erienne realised that he was baring his body for her to see. It was not the smooth, beautiful skin of the Elven king, that was held together by the power of his Elven magic, but the battle-ravaged shell of the weary warrior. His head bowed, his body knelt. Thranduil was doing what he would never do before any other in all of Middle Earth. He was exposing his whole vulnerable self. "My lord," she knelt before him "what is this? You are the Elven king." Summoning all her courage, she raised her gloved fingers to his face, gently rubbing his scars, "Think you, my lord, that your mate is so simple in her mind that she would expect her King to forsake all for her one's sake?"
At those words, Thranduil looked up, his eyes brimming with long buried tears. Resting his cheeks upon the cup of her palms, he placed his own over them and said, "Oh Erienne! I have been so lonely and lately, so frightened. All seem lost at times. I am not good enough, not as a King or as a father or a husband. I have failed all." Erienne was shocked. "Thranduil.."she whispered but he went on, "Sometimes, I do not know what I am doing. Have I done enough to protect our land and our elves, They stand so steadfast with us yet I fear if their confidence is misplaced."
Erienne listened, her heart aching to realise that Thranduil had had to bear so much alone. "Thranduil, my lord, you have not failed any of us. You will show us the way. I have seen how all of Mirkwood have shown their love for you. They trust you, my lord. And know that you will lead them. You saw today how the soldiers responded to the first signs of danger. Mirkwood is well-prepared. All we have to do is to stand strong and face what may come. This realm is blessed, Thranduil, it has the love of an able King and the King has the love and trust of loyal elves. We will prevail, my lord."
Thranduil looked up at her, "With you now, my doubts have surely lessened but I have to confess, meleth, I have truly failed your trust of me." Erienne listened in silence as Thranduil confided in her about how he had failed Legolas. This time, it was not anguish she felt but anger. Was it not the duty of a son and a prince to stand by his father, his King? What was Legolas doing abandoning his land in such fearful times? Knowing, however, that it would only hurt Thranduil, she let go of the topic for now. Instead, she told him, "You will never fail me, Thranduil. That I know, beyond doubt."
"And what of you, Erienne? Are you still hurting anywhere, meleth?" Thranduil's anxiety increased when he saw Erienne flinch again. This time, Erienne again made to draw away, though he did not let her. He was kneeling down and looking at her but kept his palms firmly upon hers, as they rested on her thighs. "'Tis a scarred body, my lord. … I am ..deformed..," she whispered, her eyes focused upon the floor. "But you are well, meleth? Please tell me should you need help. I could send Galaden to Rivendell for help."
This time, Erienne panicked, "Thranduil, you only ask of my health? My beauty… it is gone..my body is scarred all over, my lord," she repeated, painfully wondering if he was aware of her words. "And you see mine before you, Erienne. Is it any better?"
"Is your worth only that of your body, my lady? By your escape and your actions, you have shown your courage and spirit. Where most would have fallen, you stood strong and fought for your land, seeking neither reward nor recognition. You were born a princess, raised to be a Queen yet you took on all chores with humility and grace, sharing your knowledge for the benefit of all. I have not known one stronger in spirit nor humble in nature."
Parroting her words, he added, "Think you, my Queen, that your lord is so shallow of mind that he loved you only for your beauty?"
She could think of no further protests and could only look on in mute awe as Thranduil reached for her face. Slowly, she felt him undoing her veil, revealing the full beauty of her face that had been preserved for Azog's sadistic pleasure. It was thin and frail but no worse than that. Erienne felt that she had to explain, "My face..he did not touch it…it was for.." Thranduil stopped her. Drawing her to him, he placed a kiss upon her forehead and held her close, feeling his strength return anew.