I'm taking some artistic license with the Nashville storyline. Rayna comes across as strong in the show, i wondered what would it take for her to break? What would save her?
"Deacon?"
Her voice was croaky from the non-stop crying she had done since leaving the office. Dropping the keys on the bench, she looked around her kitchen. Her grief, the result of Beverley driving the final nail into Deacon's coffin washes off her. The emptiness of the house adding to her anguish. The deathly silence surrounding her an indication of her future. She was adrift in the world without her anchor. Without Deacon in her life, grounding her, how was she going to navigate? With the whole world knowing the truth, she could no longer deny it to herself. The one person who complimented her, who made her so much more than she was on her own, was dying and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Feeling the waves of hopelessness crashing in on her, Rayna embraced them as they eroded away the last of her hope. She no longer had the strength to fight. What was the point, Deacon was going to die and leave her.
She despondently wandered through the empty house. Amazed that in such a short amount of time, Deacon had been able to fill this house with such joy. He had erased all the bitterness associated with the last years of her marriage, as well at the painful ones linked with her break up with Luke. Trailing her fingers along the walls, she moved carefully along the hall way. Her mind plummeting her with memories of her life with Deacon. Her vision was clouded with tears as she found herself in the one room that always bought her comfort, the music room. Wiping tears from her cheeks, her fingers traced the photos on the wall. The ones of her and Deacon, both on and off stage. Teddy had always hated the photos she had lovingly hung, but she had argued that Deacon was part of her music family and belonged in this room. It was a lie, she knew it and she suspected deep down Teddy knew it as well. Deacon was always much more than just a part of her music family.
Stopping at an old black and white photo of the two of them on stage, Rayna reached out a shaky hand to caress the image before her. It was the same photo that graced the walls of the Bluebird. It encompassed everything that was true between her and Deacon. They were staring deeply into each other's eyes, the audience completely forgotten. Leaning their foreheads together, the joy of being near each other showed in their wide smiles, while the depth of their love was plain to see, shining through even though it was just a photo.
In an act of self-flagellation she had sought out her old albums, choosing the most painful song to add to her heartache. Tears careened down her cheeks as the words to 'No one will ever love you' painfully stabbed at her heart. The words they had written all those years ago had haunted her during her marriage. No one could ever declare her marriage to Teddy one of tremendous passion, it was a steady and reliable relationship. Though when they did hit turbulence, she would torture herself and add to her pain by listening to this song. The ache she felt for Deacon while listening to them sing, made her berate the choices she had made and continued to make. At her lowest she would be overwhelmed with guilt knowing that she allowed herself to be manipulated into marrying a man she didn't passionately love while denying Deacon not only her love but the knowledge that Maddie was he's daughter. Thankfully juggling her home life and life on the road meant that she rarely had the time to wallow in the depressive mood she longed to immerse herself in.
Whenever she thought the pain was too unbearable Deacon would magically appear to take away her misery, but not before adding to it. Her heart would shatter into a million pieces as she watched the way his eyes crinkled with delight as he laughed with her girls, loving them unconditionally. The love that he shone in her direction as he constantly made sure she was okay, filled her with a strength that allowed her to mend her broken heart. During these times he was her torturer and her saviour. She embraced the exquisite pain, both dreading and encouraging it. She wanted Deacon but was also terrified of the depth of her longing. The level of hurt they could inflict on each other knew no end. One moment they would lash out without thought at each other and in the next instant be soothing the hurt and reconfirming their commitment to each other. Smiling sadly to herself, Rayna acknowledged that their relationship over the years had frustrated all those concerned. Deacon was her addiction. As much as she denied it all those years, he was as essential to her as breathing.
Rayna wiped her eyes as the song came to an end. Flicking through her collection of albums, each one holding memories of their relationship over the years. For better or worse Deacon was always by her side, lending his strength to her as she forged her career. Whenever asked she would state that there would be no Rayna Jaymes without Deacon Claybourne. It was the simple truth. Without Deacon, Rayna wouldn't be where she was today. This thought bought fresh tears to her eyes. Biting down on her lip, she struggled to hold them back. Lifting the record needle she gently placed it on the vinyl. The gentle crackle marking the beginning of the song momentarily soothed her before the lyrics struck her with renewed pain. She was drowning in her heartache, wanting nothing more than to sink below the surface and never rise to the surface again. She closed her eyes as she allowed the emotions behind 'River between Us' wash over her.
She was exhausted. She was sick of fighting the truth. The events of the day forced her to confront what she had been running from ever since Deacon told her the truth. The bitter truth came with a darkness that she wanted to immerse herself in. She wanted the pain of the truth to block out reality. Now that the whole world knew the truth, Rayna wanted nothing more than to feel numb. She finally understood why Deacon had turned to alcohol to deal with the overwhelming emotions.
Heavy tears careened down her face as the lyrics ripped open fresh wounds on her heart break. Rayna welcomed the pain knowing that this torture she was inflicting on herself would soon lead to a wondrous numbing against the reality of Deacon dying. If she swam deep enough in the pain she would be able to deaden the hollowness that would devour her upon Deacon's dying. She could feel the dark abyss building in her. The anguish of the lyrics added fuel to the chasm of misery that was consuming her. Rayna had waded so far out into her pain that she didn't hear the door to the studio open. Deacon stood in the doorway, a look of concern on his face as he was confronted with the air of despondency in the room.
Thank you for the songwriters who wonderfully captured Rayna's and Deacon's love with 'No one will ever love you' and 'Rivers between Us'.