Surprise surprise! It's an early update! You guys deserve it for the awesome feedback and support you have given me. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint, it the longest one I've done so far.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Hunger Game s or the film/novel Don't Say a Word. This story is for entertainment purposes only. I make no profit out of this and all of the characters, unless otherwise noted, belong to their respective owners, the great Suzanne Collins and Andrew Klavan.
Chapter 11: Blackbird
"You want what they want."
The words seemed to bounce around every corner in Peeta's mind. The words that stung like poison in her mouth every time she spoke them and were filled with so much animosity and fear, replayed over and over in his mind. They were words that Peeta was certain would forever be haunting his mind as they did the night before; never ceasing to let him think about anything else or get any sleep for that matter. It was like that one annoying song that one would not be able to get out of their head, making them suffer and wish that for just one moment, they had amnesia. It was these exact words that made Peeta hesitant about sitting in front of Dr. Cresta in the 'viewing room' next to Katniss' room.
The day before had been a complete disaster. Just when Peeta had thought that Katniss was about to open up about her suicide, she completely freaked out and told him to get out.
Why though?
She seemed fine and confident for the first half hour of their brief conversation. She seemed just as confident when she leaned in close to him, which caused the butterflies in his stomach to go into complete overdrive. His stomach turned into a lumpy knot as he forced himself to look away, and instead look at the deep scars that would stay forever imprinted on her wrist.
He didn't understand though. Everything was going fine until…
'Until I looked at her scars,' he thought.
Was that it? Did Katniss Everdeen actually become ashamed when he gently touched her skin? Did the confidence she had fade when the memory of that night came back to both their minds? And what about those other scars she had? The ones that were faint enough to be missed if one were not looking close enough? Was she afraid that she had been caught? Or was it the fact that she new people were watching and listening to her and she just wasn't ready to talk about it?
"Peeta? Are you ready?" he heard Dr. Cresta say.
Peeta suddenly met her eyes with his own, "Y-Yea," he stuttered.
Dr. Cresta arched her eyebrows, "Peeta have you listened to a word that I've said?"
Peeta began to open his mouth before he realized he had nothing to say. He definitely had not heard a word she had said. Peeta knew that he could try to hide the fact that he had ignored her for the past ten minutes, but he decided against it. He slowly shook his head as she gave a loud sigh.
"Look, just get in there, talk to her, and come out," she said while she vaguely remembered the reason she has yet to settle down and have children.
"Wait, Dr. Cresta?" said Peeta as he stood up, "I think that maybe…maybe it would be a good idea if you don't listen to us."
Annie arched her eyebrow, "With all due respect Peeta, I make the decisions around here, not you."
Peeta sighed, "I know…but maybe another reason that she started freaking out is because she knows she's being watched and she knows that you're constantly listening to her."
Annie looked towards the transparent wall. She had never thought about that. But then again, how would she be able to help if she couldn't hear?
"How am I supposed to help her if I don't know what she's saying?"
Peeta thought about it for a moment before an idea struck him, "How about you go ahead and listen to her. But if she starts getting hesitant, I'll scratch the back of my head and run my hand through my hair twice. It'll be like a signal or something. I can reassure her that her secret's safe with me. Then I'll just tell you everything afterwards."
Annie thought about it for a minute. How sure can she be that Peeta would tell her everything?
"You can trust me Dr. Cresta. I promise I'll tell you everything," said Peeta.
Annie sighed.
"Fine," she said, "But you better not leave anything out. Now go get to work."
With that, Peeta practically ran out the door, but not before he ran into something, or someone for that matter. He looked up and saw green eyes staring at his own. Peeta let out a chuckle as he scratched the back of his head nervously.
"Where are you off to in such a hurry?" asked the amused Finnick Odair.
"N-Next door."
Finnick nodded his head, "With the suicidal beauty right?"
"Umm…yea."
A soft chuckle escaped from Finnick's lips as he stepped aside to let Peeta through, "Well then," he said, "let's not keep her waiting. Who knows, she might dying to tell you something"
Peeta allowed himself to walk through the doorway as he felt Finnick's eyes burn the back of his head before he heard the man walk into the room and shut the door.
He didn't know why, but ever since they had their conversation about keeping secrets, Peeta had begun to feel a little uneasy around the man. He was sure that any other ordinary teenager would think Dr. Odair was the shit. He was always very laid back and always tried to reasonably find the solution to any problem. If anything, Peeta should be praising the man for suggesting that he be the one to speak to Katniss. However, as much as Peeta wanted to, he couldn't. He didn't know why, but something told Peeta that there was more to Finnick Odair than meets the eye. To Peeta, it seemed as if he wanted control over any situation. After all, he had over ruled Dr. Cresta plenty of times and insinuated that he knows everything about everybody. But maybe…maybe Peeta was just thinking too much. Maybe Dr. Odair was a good man and Peeta was being way too analytical.
Whatever the reason was, Peeta pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind as he opened the door to Katniss' 'jail cell' and then closed it.
"Oh, you're here again," he heard the suicidal beauty say as he walked towards her bed.
Peeta arched his eyebrow in confusion when he noticed that she was currently lying on her stomach facing the wall, never once looking his way.
"H-How did you know it was me?" he asked as he got a chair and placed it next to the bed.
"I didn't."
She slowly lifted herself up and laid on her back, letting her arms droop on the sides of her bed.
Peeta heard himself gasp as his eyes caught sight of her arms. She suddenly looked at him and noticed him staring at her arms, which were covered in light purple bruises. A small band-aid adorned her shoulder. He felt the stare of her deadly eyes as he slowly looked up to meet them with his own.
"W-What happened?" he asked. He was sure that those bruises were definitely not there the day before. Was she trying to hurt herself under the careful watch of Dr. Cresta and Dr. Odair?
She raised her right arm in the air and softly touched the bruised areas of her skin. She gave a loud sigh as she suddenly tore the pink bad aid off her shoulder and revealed a small punctured wound. She quickly shook her hand to rid herself of the sticky band-aid and met Peeta's eyes once again.
"This is what happens when you completely go ape-shit on everyone."
Peeta looked at her arms again with a confused look on his face.
"These huge steroid infected guys charge at you to get you to calm down while this little bitch in a nurse's uniform stabs you with a needle."
Peeta nodded his head, understanding what she meant.
"I thought they were supposed to help you, not hurt you," he said.
She shrugged her shoulders.
"That's what everyone says," she whispered. Her voice was almost inaudible. It was so low that Peeta was sure neither Dr. Cresta nor Dr. Odair had heard her. But he certainly did.
"Not everyone's like that, you know?"
She tore her eyes away from his and shrugged her shoulders once again.
"Some people do want to help," he said.
"Yea?" she asked in a voice so low, anyone would have thought she was just mouthing words.
"Yea," he said as he noticed a small trail of tears running down her cheek. He scooted his chair closer to the bed and let a small smile appear on his cheeks.
She suddenly met his eyes with her own tearful eyes.
"Everyone wants what they can't have."
Annie and Finnick both watched the events in the next room unfold. Both were watching Peeta and Katniss as well as listening to their conversation intently. They briefly exchanged words and notes before there was a sudden knock on the door. A bright light suddenly flashed on their faces before Effie popped her head into the room.
"Annie, can you come outside for a minute?" she asked.
Annie looked over at Finnick. He nodded his head as if telling her that he had everything under control and that he would contact her if something happened.
Annie stood up, grabbed her notes and followed Effie out the door.
"What is it Effie?" she asked the bleach blonde as she followed her down the hall.
"Mr. Cinna is here to see you."
Annie gasped as she quickened her pace and practically ran into her office.
There, sitting in the chair directly in front of her desk was a man in his mid thirties. He had light brown skin with light, almost golden eyes and short black hair. He gave Annie a gentle smile as she walked towards him and stretched out her hand.
"Hello, Mr. Cinna. I'm Dr. Annie Cresta," she said.
"It's very nice to meet you, please call me Cinna" he said as he shook her hand and took his seat, "You're a little young to be in charge of a whole department don't you think?"
"Yea, I get that a lot," she said as she folded her hands on her desk, "But that's not what we're here to talk about."
He nodded his head, "I realized that when I got 30 missed calls from your receptionist."
Annie gave a small laugh, "Yes, Effie can be very persistent."
There was moment of silence in the room before Annie took out some papers from Katniss' file.
"Cinna," she began, "how long have you been Katniss' social worker?"
"Not very long," he said as he crossed his legs and folded his hands on his knee, "only for about a year. I'll never forget the first time I saw her. It was about eight or nine months ago. She looked so small, so scared. Her name was Posy at the time and she lived down in San Antonio."
"Cinna, why all the names? Why all the different locations?"
"Why not?" he asked.
Annie arched her eyebrows in confusion, "As far as my knowledge about how the system works, you don't need a name change and the kids usually stay in the same state, not scattered around the country."
"The new names are just a precaution Dr. Cresta. I assure you that it's just a part of how the system works. Why, I don't know very many foster children that decide to keep their real names."
"And the locations?"
"Another precaution," said Cinna with a wave of his hand, "we give Katniss, as well as other kids in her position to start over—get a fresh start."
"So you just give Katniss the option to start over and leave?"
"Yes," said Cinna with a cool look on his face, "We always do."
Annie looked down at the papers in her hands, all with different identities in different locations. None of this made sense. She had never heard of these sort of "precautions" before. If such precautions did exist, she would know about it. She had been through this process before.
Not very many people know about Annie's childhood. It would not be hard to assume that Annie Cresta had the perfect childhood with two happy and perfect parents. People believed that she had everything handed to her on a silver platter, mostly because of her ability to always get her way.
However what they didn't know was that the picture perfect, dreamlike childhood of Annie Cresta was just that, a dream. Annie did not in fact grow up in a happy home nor did she have two loving parents. She hadn't even had one.
Annie had never met her father and had a strong feeling that her own mother hadn't even known who he was. Her earliest memory was filled with nothing but tears and pain. She was hungry and cold and went to look for the blanket that was given to her for her sixth birthday just three months before. She went in search of it in the living room but couldn't find it. Once she looked in every room, she decided to look for her mother to see if she could help her find it, and then possibly get something for her to eat. However when she stood in front of her mother's room, she noticed that the door was closed. Annie's mother had always warned her that she would be in very big trouble if she ever walked in when her door was closed. She didn't want to get in trouble for she knew too well what would happen. She still had the bruises from the last time she got in trouble.
But the hunger pains were too painful and the cold was unbearable for her. So she quietly and carefully reached for the doorknob and twisted it open. She peeked her head in through the door and was in shock of what she saw.
The only light in the room was coming from the crack in the doorway. But it was just enough to see Annie's mother, naked and on her knees in front of a very naked man, bobbing her head up and down while the man pulled at her mothers brown curls. Her mother and the man, who Annie had not recognized, were making weird noises, almost as if they were yelling out in pain. She didn't want to witness it any longer, so she quickly turned her head to the right where, on her mother's dresser, were needles filled with remnants of a strange liquid. Annie had seen these needles before and had been warned about going anywhere near them.
There was other stuff near the needles, but Annie couldn't see what it was. She tried to get a closer look so she carefully opened the door wider to let more light in the room.
"Shit!" she heard the man yell as Annie quickly turned toward her mother and the man who had now discovered her in the doorway.
"You have a fucking kid?" he yelled as he quickly pulled away from her mother.
The next thing Annie knew, she was locked in her room without her dinner and without her blanket, feeling just as hungry, cold, and sore. That's what she got for going places where she didn't belong.
A couple months later, a neighbor reported her mother after noticing how malnourished and bruised Annie was, and she was taken away to a foster home—the first of many. It wasn't until she turned seventeen that a woman named Mags Cresta finally adopted her. Mags had no children of her own, and was very fond of Annie. It was Mags who enabled Annie to go after what she wanted and inspired her to succeed. However, in the back of her mind, Annie always wondered what happened to her real mother and how things would have been if everything was different. Maybe, she told her self, if she was the best at everything, her real mother would come to love her and finally see that Annie was not a mistake that occurred while she was drugged up and being penetrated by an unknown man.
But of course no one knew about this or her past life, not Dr. Aurelius, not Effie, not even Finnick Odair.
This was how Annie knew that there was something strange going. Having been in the foster care system herself for about ten years, Annie knew that they wouldn't let Katniss move where ever she wanted or change her identity.
'This isn't adding up,' she thought, 'it doesn't make any sense.'
"I'm sure you know that none of this makes any sense," said Annie
"On the contrary," he said, "it makes the perfect sense for someone in her situation."
"Situation?" asked Annie, "What kind of situation is Katniss in?"
At this, Cinna's cool demeanor seemed to falter, "Well, she's in foster care."
The only situation Katniss is in is the fact that she's in a psychiatric ward because she tried to kill herself. But what if there's more to it than that? What if there's an unknown reason, something much deeper than the depression that she had assumed had caused Katniss to do this. She wouldn't just give herself a new identity just because or kill herself just for the heck of it, unless…
"Cinna," began Annie as she suddenly felt the cogs turn in her head, "The only instance where anyone would change Katniss' identity is if they knew for a fact that Katniss was in danger."
"You don't know what youre talking about—"
"On the contrary Cinna, I know very well what I'm talking about," said Annie as she cut him off, "you see, what you and your colleagues have failed to know was the fact that I myself was part of this very same system that claims that all they want to do is help Katniss by giving her a new name in a new house ten thousand miles away from her old one. Now you might think I'm just a typical doctor who doesn't know anything except for medicine. But trust me, I know a lot more than you think. This girl—this Bonnie, or Rory or whatever the fuck her name is, is in more trouble than you are willing to lead on."
Cinna sighed and rubbed his face with his hand, "Look," he said, lowering his voice, "when I first met Katniss, her name was Cecilia and she was in a rehabilitation center for teens in Kansas City."
"Rehabilitation center?"
"Yes, I was called in to transfer her anywhere that was far from there. She was my first teenager. Everyone else that I worked with was under the age of twelve, but not her. I originally though she would be easier to work with, but I was wrong…dead wrong. She wouldn't talk to anyone she wouldn't look at anyone. She was like a cold statue."
"That sounds just like her."
"I had heard about her from other colleagues. But I never got too far into it. I always thought they were just rumors, gossip people like to start up. Finally, one day two men came into my office and gave me specific instructions not to say a word about her or her circumstances. I wasn't allowed to tell her or anyone else anything about what they were about to tell me. If she said anything about being followed or in danger, I was to dismiss it as young teenage fantasy and attribute it to the drugs the hospitals were giving her."
"So you are saying that they told you she's in some kind of danger and yet, they wanted to keep her completely ignorant of it?" asked Annie.
Cinna nodded his head, "I didn't think anything of it at first. But then two months later, I get a call again saying that Cecilia A.K.A Posy needed to be transferred again."
"Why, what happened?"
"The same thing that happened six times before."
Annie's eyes widened.
"Dr. Cresta," he said, "Katniss has been hospitalized seven different times. Why? We have no idea. But every time she's in a new location, she lives there in peace for a while. But then something sets her off and she tries to kill herself again."
Annie looked down at the papers in her hands. She finally realized why Katniss, and all the other identities she has been given, did not exist. This young girl was convinced that she was being followed and receiving a new identity would limit the chances of being found. But did it really?
"H-Have you ever thought that maybe she's just hallucinating? That this is all some big hallucination and that's why those two men told you to go along with it, for her sake?" asked Annie.
"The thought did cross my mind. That's why I started to contact the social workers that worked on her case before me."
"What did they tell you?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"They're all dead."
"Do you ever wonder if there's an afterlife?" asked Katniss.
Peeta looked up from picking at a hangnail on his finger.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Katniss sat up on her bed and leaned against the wall. She looked down at her hands before she turned to look at Peeta.
"Do you think that maybe, there might be life after this life? You know, like a heaven and hell?"
"Well…yea. Don't you?" he asked.
She gave him a small smile before she looked down at her hands again.
"I don't know," she replied softly, "Sometimes I think that maybe this is hell. Like, this whole world we're living in is just one big clusterfuck of corruption, poverty, global warming, war…"
"…Suicide?"
Katniss looked up sadly and met Peeta's eyes.
"Yea," she said softly, "Suicide."
She looked down at her hands again.
Although Peeta couldn't fully see her face, he could faintly see a trail of tears coming from her eyes.
"Look Katniss, I'm sorry."
Katniss just shook her head, "No, don't be. I totally deserve it."
"But that's the thing; you don't deserve any of this."
"Yes I do."
"No you don't."
"Yes Peeta," she said as she looked at him with tears engulfing her eyes, "I do! I'm a horrible person. All I do is move from place to place and make peoples lives miserable. Why? All because of a stupid promise that I sometimes wish I never made."
Peeta looked at her with confusion written all over his face, "Promise? What promise?"
His conversation with Dr. Odair resurfaced in his mind. Could this be what he was referring to? Is she really hiding something?
Katniss' eyes widened with the realization that she had said too much. Peeta looked down at her hands which were nervously scratching at the bed sheets. He looked up at her and noticed her looking at the tinted window in the room. Her lip began to quiver as her hands grabbed the bed sheet and started to wring them.
"Katniss?" he said as he noticed her breathing become irregular.
She was going to burst. Peeta knew that if he said anything else, she would completely freak out again. He didn't know what to say. So he did the only thing that came to his mind.
He scratched the back of his head and ran his hands through his hair twice as he looked at the tinted window in hopes that Dr. Cresta would turn the intercom in the viewing room off and just let him talk to her with out supervision.
"Katniss listen to me," he said as he stood up and went to sit next to her on her bed. He could feel Katniss slowly try to move away from him, all the while staring at the wall.
"No one's there right now. I promise."
Her breathing was still irregular as she let go of the bed sheet and started to draw on the bed with her finger.
"No one can hear us. It's only me and you. No one else."
He slowly began to reach for her hand.
She saw his hand slowly reach for hers from the corner of her eye. She suddenly flinched as she felt his finger gently touch her rough hand.
"Kat…you can trust me."
Katniss suddenly held her breath. She turned to look at his eyes and noticed how blue they actually were for the very first time. They were eyes that held so much care and so much passion, more than any eyes she had ever seen.
"W-What did you c-call me?" she quietly asked.
Peeta gave her a small smile, "Kat."
She looked down at her hands again.
"Do you trust me now?" he asked her as he slowly reached for her hand.
Katniss inhaled a deep breath as she felt a tingling sensation throughout her body. She looked at him again before she let him intertwine their fingers and nodded her head.
"W-What promise were you talking about?"
"Nothing," she replied quickly.
"Kat, you can tell me."
"No I can't," she said quickly.
Peeta wanted to know what she had meant, but knew better than to press the matter. His talk with Katniss had been going smooth until she got nervous and almost freaked out again. Luckily, he was able to prevent it but he also knew that if he made her the least bit uncomfortable, she would lash out again and Dr. Cresta would definitely never let him speak to her again.
She heaved a loud sigh as she turned to look at him. This time, Peeta noticed that her eyes were not as dead as they once were. Instead, they were replaced with a mixture of fear and solitude, a fear and solitude that he wanted so badly to cure.
"Katniss, you know that you can talk to me about anything?"
"Why do you care so much?" she asked softly.
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Because."
"Because what?"
"Because…I'm nobody's child, I'm nobody's child." she began to sing softly.
"Just like the flowers, I'm growing wild. I got no mummy's kisses; I got no daddy's smile."
Peeta sat there mesmerized by her voice. How is it possible that someone as troubled and fragile as Katniss have the most beautiful voice he has ever heard?
"Nobody wants me, I'm nobody's child."
She let out another breath as she tried to stop the tears from falling.
"That's not true Katniss."
"Yes it is," she said softly, "no one would ever want someone like me."
'I do.' thought Peeta.
"I'm a total fuck up that no one cares about."
"That's not true. I care about you."
"Just face it Peeta. I'm useless. I'm like a stupid black bird that's always picked on by all the beautiful doves. Nobody cares. All they care about is getting me out of here so they could move on to the next freak show."
She leaned her head back on the wall and closed her eyes.
Peeta didn't know what to do. How can he convince her that he actually does care?
'I'm like a stupid black bird.'
Her words stung him like a deadly wasp. How can he make her realize how beautiful she was? How can he convince her that she needed to be strong?
A small smile suddenly appeared on his face as an idea came to his mind. He cleared his voice and looked at her beautiful face.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night,"
He began to sing,
"Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise."
He looked at her as her eyes suddenly fluttered open. She turned to look at him as the trace of a faint smile slowly began appear.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these sunken eyes and learn to see."
He offered her a small smile as the tears of sadness began to turn to tears of joy. He knew he sounded horrible, and he knew that he was probably making a fool of himself. But that didn't matter. All that mattered was making Katniss realize that she did matter and that he did care. He needed to show her that she was beautiful and that she needed to be strong.
"All your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free."
He saw her smile fade away. She turned away from him and closed her eyes. Did it not work? Did she still not trust him? He let out a frustrated sigh as he looked away from her.
"Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly."
His eyes widened as he heard her sing. He looked back at her. Their eyes suddenly met, and for the first time since Peeta had known her, she did something that he only saw her do in her dreams. She gave him a true genuine smile. He grinned at her while he sang after her.
"Into the light of the dark black night."
There was a comfortable silence. Their eyes never left each others, for in that small moment, a feeling of trust and passion entered both of their minds.
"Green," she said softly.
"What was that?" he asked while still mesmerized by the beauty of her voice.
"You asked me what my favorite color was. It's green."
"Is that so?" he asked as he saw a hint of a smile appear on her lips.
She nodded her head.
"And I love cheese," she said as soft giggles escaped her lips.
He suddenly looked away embarrassed as laughter escaped from both their mouths.
"Me too," he said as he looked back at her, "You had me worried there for a second."
Katniss laughed a little louder this time. He decided that he really liked her laugh. It was sweet and angelic and every bit as beautiful as her. He couldn't explain it. But somehow, her laugh made him feel reassured…reassured that somehow, someway, everything was going to be all right.
However, nothing seemed to beat the feeling he got when he realized that her hand still held on tightly to his, never letting go of the feeling both of them got when their skin finally touched.
I hope you guys enjoyed reading. Please don't forget to review, they really mean so much to me :)
FYI: The first song in this chapter is called Nobody's Child and has been covered by many artists including the Beatles with Tony Sheridan. The second song is called Blackbird by the Beatles. However, the version of the song that I chose as inspiration for this chapter is the version sung by Evan Rachel Wood in the movie Across the Universe. I don't know why, but I imagine Katniss' voice sounding like Evan's when she sings. Both songs will be available to listen to on my tumblr account (go to profile for direct link).