Ohayho everyone! CJzilla here with another update. In this chapter the Joker's evening in Bat-tights is top story. Dick isn't taking it so well and things only get... crazier when Catwoman decides to prowl. Enjoy.

As I trample this city, alls CJzilla has to roar is this: R&R! Love... Hate... review.

AN: CJzilla owns nothing of Aristophanes. I drew a pic based on this chapter on deviantArt. Visit my account at CJzilla dot deviantArt dot com to see it.

"Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master, at which the audience never fail to laugh?"

Aristophanes, Frogs, 405 B.C.
Greek Athenian comic dramatist (450 BC - 388 BC)

Chapter 7

Crazy Cats

"Thank you for joining us. This is Gotham News 3." A blue-eyed grey-headed newsman nodded at the camera, welcoming the viewers that just tuned in. "This morning's top story is localized on Gotham's vigilante hero, the Batman. Last night all of Gotham was turned upside-down when the Caped Crusader savagely beaten by Penguin and Mr. Freeze. Statements from police officers confirm that the Batman was seriously injured in the fight and taken to a local hospital, which brings us to our top story. While Gotham City's hero was getting medical attention, someone else ended the rampage of the monster terror known as Man-Bat, the alternate form of a Dr. Kirk Langstrom, noted geneticist turned mad scientist."

"Eyewitnesses claim that they saw someone dressed as the Batman overtake Man-Bat as it swooped over Gotham's Municipal Park late last night. After tethering the creature to two trees, this copy-cat's similarities to the Batman end there. Onlookers found Kirk Langstrom unable to move and a frozen, marred smile over his face. The investigation goes on but Gotham citizens have seen this type of horror before. This is the handy-work of Joker. As he did years before, the crazed madman impersonated and mocked the methods of his constant rival, the Batman and it seems like the Clown Prince of Crime is at it again. Gotham's citizens fear the worse. While the Batman fights for his life, it's anyone's guess that our city will be overrun by villains. Will the Batman's sidekicks, Robin and Batgirl, be able to fill in for their mentor or will they just be curbing the flow of crime? And will Gotham P.D. be able to keep up with the supervillains? We can only hope. Let's open up the phone lines-"

Click.

Alfred Pennyworth quietly switched off the television. The man let out a quiet sigh as he blinked the sleeplessness from his tired eyes. It seemed like he was unable to close his eyes since he learnt of Bruce's violent beating and critical condition. After a whirlwind of arranging Bruce to be moved out of the horribly vulnerable hospital and to a more secure location, Alfred had his responsibilities to keep his mind off his dear friend's weak condition. But now… everything around him was calm; that's when the utter tragedy of Bruce's condition was slowly taking effect.

"I can't believe it." A low, angry voice snapped Alfred out of his thoughts. "I-… just can't believe it."

Turning around, the butler faced the expanse of a large storage room. His eyes first came to the hospital cot that his motionless master lie on. Then his attention came to Dick Greyson, slouching in a chair near Bruce's side with a livid look over his young face. The teen boy sat there, his arms crossed, head down with a deep scowl creasing his face; Alfred felt a rant coming on.

"There are just no words to describe what homicidal thoughts are running through my head." Dick growled. Alfred could see shame through all that anger. "The Joker didn't listen to asingle thing I said to him last night."

The prim and proper man straightened his fatigued posture and cleared his throat.

"In risk of speaking out of context Master Greyson, it was good that the Joker DIDN'T listen to you." Alfred walked over to the boy, hands neatly folded behind his back. "Had Joker heeded you, Man-Bat would be picking his teeth with your bones."

That got him a glare from under Dick's hero mask.

"Me an' Barbara had it handled, Al." The boy snarled. "Langstrom just caught us by surprise. That's all."

Alfred raised his eyebrows to Dick, showing that he knew the young heroes were over their head. Then he sighed.

"Then you best be alert in the future, Master Greyson." The butler voiced. "Because, it's up to you and Barbara to fill in for Bruce while he's recovering."

Dick sighed, rolling his eyes and moped. Alfred swallowed once the boy's eyes were off of him. When Bruce wakes from his unconscious state, he'd want Dick and Barbara there, safe and alive; NOT in body bags. The butler blinked, banishing the thought from his mind.

"While Barbara is at school, you are on solo patrol." Alfred told the teen. "I suggest you keep your wits and your tail in the air. Who knows what kind of criminal activity Gotham's riffraff are cooking up as we speak."

Dick nodded and rubbed his eyes from behind his mask.

"Yeah, yeah, Alfred. I'm the only one in a cape; at least until three thirty." Then the teen's expression turned dark. "If I so much as see Joker, I'm going to make his ears bleed! That crazy clown still thinks he can impersonate Bruce! He's such a basket case!"

Alfred knew what was lying under all that animosity: shame; shame and embarrassment that Dick felt when Joker proved a better help that he and Barbara combined. If it wasn't for Joker, Robin and Batgirl might not have survived the night.

"Why not use this opportunity for the good, Master Greyson?" The butler suggested. "Instead of chastising Joker, thank him for saving you."

Dick looked up at Alfred like he just slapped himself with a dead fish.

"What?! That'd only encourage the freak show!" The teen shot out of his chair. "You don't get it, do you Alfred? Joker is a criminal! And if he thinks he can copy Bruce's alter ego, he'll have to go through me!"

Alfred sighed.

"I appreciate this situation, Dick." The man returned, his face softening. "I just do not understand why you are so irked. Help with crime while the Batman's down and out should give you relief. Why are you not welcoming the help?"

Dick's face creased deeply.

"Because Joker is Bruce's greatest enemy. That's why." The boy answered.

And the simplest of reasons for a very complicated situation. Alfred imagined that Bruce's two sidekicks were taking his incapacitation harder than they led on, especially Dick. The boy saw Bruce as a second-father after his parents were killed. Now Alfred knew of Dick's reasons for anger. Bruce's life's work was wrapped up in the Batman and Joker impersonating the Dark Knight could very well trash everything that Bruce had worked for.

"I see." Alfred hushed. "I'm sorry for ever questioning you."

Dick huffed and sat back down in his chair, looking over Bruce. He and Alfred shared a moment of absolute silence as they paid their respect to the battered man.

Ever since his parents were prematurely taken from him by an armed mugger, Bruce had to grow up fast. The young, traumatized boy grew into a responsible, caring and strong man. But now, a machine breathed for him as another monitored his heartbeat. Though such a heartrending sight, Bruce was not alone in his suffering.

Alfred's heart was in the pit of his stomach to see Bruce in such a frail state, with those yards of tubes running into his mouth, nose and veins. He'd cared for Bruce, from that small child to the man he is now. So seeing him injured and in a comatose state, it was like seeing a close family member in the same situation. Alfred never considered himself a parent to Bruce but he did believe he was a guardian. It took strength to be the Batman's butler but even more to be his friend.

Catwoman bolted through the door just as the maintenance man left the safety deposit building. The sound of the lithe costumed woman passing gracefully behind him, the man figured was a gust of big city wind. The maintenance man yawned and got in his vehicle, unaware that he'd just let in a cat.

Selina Kyle a.k.a. Catwoman made her way through the sterile halls making careful sure that her collar was up over her mouth and nose as she passed each security camera. The masked woman felt a smile curl over her face as she walked through the hall, to the lobby. She heard voices from the security personnel; the morning move had begun.

During the day, the rich and powerful used this odd safety deposit business like an art museum; their most prized possessions were set out in the lobby, much like displaying the treasures as exhibit. But at night- at night the most expensive archive items were moved from displays to a bulletproof, bomb-proof and cat-proof safe. Catwoman planned this perfectly. It was during the morning move, just before the doors are opened to the public, that the feline femme fatal put her pilfering plan into process.

She carefully hugged a wall as the hallway she was cat-walking down gave into the large lobby. Her blue eyes, covered by orange tinted goggles came to the object of her current desire.

"The Egyptian Mau breeding secrets." The lean woman grinned. "Mew mew."

Catwoman observed that the four stocky security guards had not yet moved the tablet of old paper. Seeing that the guards had no firearms, just police sanctioned night-sticks, Selina Kyle shrugged off her normal stealthy style. Standing straight, raising her chin and propping up her chest, the curvy woman strutted out into the open.

The four security guards were busy unloading a display of broaches and had their backs to her. Catwoman easily approached the display and glanced at the four men. Frowning slightly, easy jobs like this were a bore. Since the Batman was injured, she had only the paltry security and trivial police; hardly a challenge. Grunting in anger, Catwoman raked her claws over the glass case containing the old text.

Flinching at the loud, grating sound the four guards whirled around. Imagine their surprise to see the infamous Catwoman, clawing at their front door.

"I've seen cat toys with better attention spans, boys." The woman quipped, cocking her hip. Then she busted her fist through the weakened glass case.

The men gasped as Catwoman gripped the book. Three of the four men drew their night-sticks while the fourth ran over to the nearest wall and hit the security alarm. Selina giggled as the building went into lock down.

"And I thought this was going to be an exciting evening." She voiced as she faked a yawn. Catwoman pocketed the tablet from the 1950s and drew her whip from around her tiny waist. "I'll have you boys know, I'm never a cheap date."

As the guards charged at her, Catwoman cracked her whip. The whip scored one man across the bridge of his nose, instantly making him flinch and stop in his tracks. The other men did the same moves Selina had seen over and over. Rolling her eyes, the woman easily sidestepped and avoided every blow.

"Thrust, thrust." Catwoman narrated as the men swung their weapons at her in an effort to immobilize her. "Swing and a miss. Swing and a near miss but still, no hit."

Doing a powerful windmill kick, the female thief easily KOed the nearest man. The other two were easily dispatched as their gruff strokes left their jaws unprotected. One rock-hard heel to their faces and both men were knocked unconscious. Catwoman sighed and flipped to her feet.

"Those are the same old moves." The woman tied her whip around her waist. "Doesn't anyone have some originality anymore?"

She huffed and walked over to the man holding his hurting face, where her whip had given him a strike. Catwoman gave his main shoulder nerve a pinch. The move sent his body into overload and unconsciousness. She sucked her teeth at the unconscious man.

"Hardly worth a cat scratch." Selina dropped her collar from her face. Then she caught sight of the large safe, still open and the valuable items inside were winking at her. "Ooo. And what do we have here?"

The female thief traipsed into the safe and looked over the safety deposit boxes. She still had roughly five minuets or so before the police got here; she could spare a curious glance over the knickknacks of the wealthy.

Catwoman picked about two locks and took two small items from separate deposit boxes. One was a gold scepter with a lion icon and the other was a pendant that looked like a cat's eye. Selina tucked both into her brown satchel. The woman gave a contented sigh as she exited the safe.

"Satisfied like a cat with a saucer of milk." Catwoman patted her bag. Then her honed instincts told her that someone was right in front of her.

Snapping her eyes up, she nearly crashed into a tall, shady form. Selina couldn't hold in a surprised gasp as she took two steps back. The figure stood there, his white eyes shining in the dim light. It took just a second for Catwoman came back to her senses and recognize who was in front of her. It was the Batman! She'd know that dark yet masculine presence anywhere!

"Batman." Selina whispered, joy shutting her throat. "You're all right!"

She witnessed the Batman's eyes narrow.

"I wasn't expecting you, here." Catwoman regained her cougar-like swagger. "You wouldn't believe the jokers I've had to contend with since you were injured."

Looking over her crush's shoulder, she glanced at the four security guards. Catwoman then gave the Batman her best seductive smile.

"But now you're here and I'm as guilty as a fat cat in a canary cage." Selina let her bag slowly drip off of her shoulder and drop to the ground. She held open her hands to show that she was empty handed and longing for what the Batman had to offer.

Expecting the Batman to come running into her arms, he just stood there. Catwoman giggled.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" She put her hands on her hips. Still nothing out of the Caped Crusader. "All right then, play hard to get. This kitty will get a hold of your tongue."

With than Catwoman lunged at the Batman. She slammed her hands across his chest, throwing off his balance. Selina pushed as the man tripped backwards, trying to retake his balance. It wasn't until the Batman's back met the nearest wall that Catwoman pinned him there with her body.

And she slammed her mouth over his, diving right into him. The Batman's body was tense under her, almost like he was surprised. Selina's brow creased with frustration; his hesitation was killing her. It wasn't until she deepened the kiss that she found something horribly wrong. Where was the man's perfectly even teeth? His fresh taste? Why was his belt poking her in the stomach? And why did he smell like exhaust fumes?!

Selina hummed and brought her hands to the man's head, still kissing him. Her fingers laced with his mask. In that second, Catwoman jumped back, ripping her mouth off of his and yanking off the man's mask.

"I knew it!" She looked at the black poorly sewn mask in her hands. "You're no Batman! You're-!"

And then she looked up. The look of absolute horror came to her face when she saw who she'd kissed so passionately. There, before her was the Joker! In all his pasty faced, yellow-teethed, green-haired, surprised glory.

"J-J-Joker?!" The woman stumbled backwards, dropping the Batman mask. "W-W-Wha-…?!"

The insane harlequin stood from leaning on the wall and wiped his mouth with his black glove. For his normal smiley self, the Joker's face was pretty straight, save for a subtle delightfully bowled over smirk dancing on his thin red lips.

"The cat and the bat… go figure." His face finally cracked into a full-on Joker smile. The villain dressed as a hero began to walk toward Catwoman. "And for the record, … you kissed me."

The horrified woman just stumbled back, gaping at Joker. The clown bent over and picked up his mask.

"The Clown Prince of Crime is standing in for the Batman. So while my best fri-enemy is recovering, you are looking at the newest Batman model." Joker began, opening the mask. When he slipped the fabric back over his head, his demeanor changed 360. "But since it seems that you and I have got a history together, I won't gas you."

Selina's brain finally caught up to her. The woman gave an angry cat-hiss as she bared her claws.

"WE never had a history together, Joker!" She snarled. If she had fur, it'd be standing on end right now.

"I'm the Batman, Catwoman." The costumed Joker stated, his face straight and his voice steely. "Now give yourself up."

Selina gritted her teeth, the taste of his tongue still in her mouth.

"Shut up! You're no Batman!" She shot back, shoulders rigid. Then she saw that subtle delightful smirk on the Joker's mouth.

"That's not what you said half a second ago, kitty." Catwoman saw the madman lick his lips, savoring her flavor. The furious female thief gave a cat yowl and dove at the masked clown.

The Laughing Bat easily avoided her initial disemboweling slash and went on the defensive, watching the seriously shocked and angered woman swipe at him.

"Since when did you care if the Batman survived a near fatal injury?!" Catwoman snarled, finding it furiously frustrating that she couldn't dig her claws into the Joker. "You'd sooner laugh and dance on his grave than don his costume!"

The Laughing Bat sidestepped and blocked a dangerous kick to his face. As Catwoman's foot was on his arm, he seized her ankle. Pulling the catty woman to him, he swung an arm around her waist and pushed her against the wall.

"That's where you're wrong, Catwoman." The Laughing Bat voiced. "There is something you have in common with Joker: neither of you can live without the Batman. Batman is Joker's only real sparring partner, only real enemy and the only real friend in his life. The Joker's doing a favor to his friend; a token to make sure the Batman gets back onto his feet as soon as possible while making sure his work doesn't pile up. That being said, the Joker would rather send Bats to his grave himself than have a two-bit bird-brained villain and an over-grown ice cube do it for him!"

His other hand shot inside his cape. Merely half a second later, something was wrapped on Catwoman's wrist. The Laughing Bat spun her, untangling her whip from her waist. While he shot the tether from his grapple, the Laughing Bat snapped the whip around the feline femme fatal's ankles.

Selina's wrist was tied to the rope of the grapple and as it was driven into the ceiling, the Joker bound her feet together. With a surprised gasp, Catwoman was propelled into the air by the grapple. By the time the grapple hit the ceiling and Selina stopped her ascent, she was all ready high off the ground. She knew she wouldn't take a fall like this without hurting herself. Selina looked quite that catty piñata.

Grunting in frustration, embarrassment and a little charm, the woman looked down.

"Uh! JOKER!" Catwoman fumed, her angry voice echoing through the safety deposit building. She observed the masked clown make an exit much like the original Batman would.

With a yank of his cape, Joker started for the door.

"The Batman, kitty cat. I'm the Batman." The insane harlequin called back, his footfalls making no sound as he left the building.

Then the sound of police sirens reached Selina's ears. She groaned. Wrapped up like a gift and by the Joker no less! He was even more twisted than she once thought! But she'd have to admit; if it wasn't for the obvious physical differences, the Clown Prince of Crime pulled off the Batman well. He had every little detail about the masked crime fighter down, and Selina had seen enough of the Batman to say she knew him VERY well. Though thoroughly embarrassed, Catwoman now saw the Joker in a new light.

R&R! LONG LIVE ROCK!